EUCNN - Still Always On!

Think more like chariots...

 

Anti-speaking harness. Why not just cut out their tounges? A whole gungan tounge, dried and leathered, can make for a great belt. Not a duty belt of course, more of an off duty type. They make for a great conversation piece.

 

...Uh, how about not...

 

Hey, we Mandos like our trophies!

 

I'd bet that Mandalore would whip you with your trophy if you do that.

 

I bet the EUCNN will be investigating Bardan in the future...

Evil.

 

Any manda'alor we might have knows that the taking of trophies is an accepted practice. Every species has its attributes that make good souveniers. With Wookies and Ewoks its pelts, Humans its typically ears or fingers, Twileks its headtails of course and Gungans its ears or tounge. I would enjoy an interview from the EUCNN about my hunting practices, it would be enlightening for you aruetiise I am sure.

 

It seems my talk of trophies has killed the thread and destroyed the concept of a free press for the EUC.

 

I've just been busy with work.

Evil.

 

Elections are around the corner so be ready for exposes galore!

 

Haha, indeed! I have great plans for the press this election cycle.

Evil.

 

You're gonna rig it too be more partial to you.

 

I am sorely tempted to march my security forces in here and shut down this "institution".

 

Nonsense, I didn't do it last time, and I won't do it this time either. My goal as the EIC of the EUCNN is to make sure that people have something fun to read, not to protect myself from snide remarks and stories.

Evil.

 

Oh and I lob ideas in from deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep left field...

 

EUCNN covers the elections! Darth-Deception announces his candidacy for Chancellor.

The following missive, made of compressed tree pulp with black ink slathered across it was delivered soaking wet with mud stains to the EUCNN:

Dear Expanded Universe Community Network News,

It is a great grievance to me to have not been invited to participate in your ?Political Debate & Slander? special. This will not be forgotten when I am elected and your business license comes up for renewal. My being the President and only member of the Jar Jar Apocalypse Now Party should be met with the same regard as the other candidates.

I hereby announce my candidacy for Dictator of the EUC( I am aware that the official title is ?Chancellor,? but all that will change once I win).

Since you didn?t bother to include me in the nominations, here are my great but belated answers to the questions you asked the other Chancellery candidates:

What is your Age? Old enough to know better than to answer that question.

What is your current Occupation? Freelance Writer (according to the IRS). Professional Sponge (actual).

How long have you lived in the EUC? 6 months too long.

Have you ever been arrested? No, but I should have. I think wearing the all black ninja outfit saved me that time.

What is your Favorite Pastime? Writing crank letters to newspapers, and unleashing hordes of undead Jar Jars.

What compelled you to run for Chancellor? Reading the Dark Side Compendium and the fact that Sinrebirth made so much money at it.

How could the EUS improve its job of governing? Put me in the major position of power then let me dismantle most of it, especially the oversight committees.

How would you revitalize the EUC's economy? Happy hour starting at 8 in the morning.

Should the EUC be trying to appeal to economy-priced attractions and patrons? Nah, we want only the high rollers here; the GrandAdmiralJellos, the s65horseys, the Adalia-Durrons. We don?t want to get a bad name. Plus it is time-wise more economical to smoozle the big guys. You?d have to roll too many of the little people to get any serious money out of it.

What is the biggest issue facing the EUC and how would you address it? Making sure there is enough moolah coming in and figuring out a way to funnel a lot of it to me. I?m tired of seeing how the big boys in the Mod Squad vacuum it up all year long. It?s time for the same thing here; a form of trickle down effect, right into my bank account you might say.

When elected, I will see the following changes instituted:

Women must wear only miniskirts the entire winter. I know, I know, this is chauvinistic, but for us guys it is cheaper entertainment than paying for the Holonet.

It will be legal to shoot any speeder equipped with one of those damned blaring theft alarms that go off if the owner doesn?t turn it off within five minutes. In fact, I?ll give the shooter a citizens? award for doing it.

Not only must all pets be on a leash in town but so must all kids.

Anyone piloting anything less than a 300,000 credit ship in town will have his thruster cable cut and be launched out into space.

The Blue Moon Cantina will be forced to bring free samples to the Senate Hall at 3 PM every Friday.

Jar Jar Binks will be canonized the Patron Saint of the EUC.

The RPF will be declared the EUC's Sister City so that upper-level City government employees can take free vacations there.

All the EUC police ships will be junked and replaced by ones that look like the Batmobile.

Any visitors from SWC will be charged a special obnoxious tax just for being here.

A Starbucks on every corner!

The new art museum will be built to look like the Blue Yoda Society and only feature nude photos of local celebrities.

The discussion of all things EU will be given back to the Literature Forum (no matter how much they whine and complain about it).

A special Dumb Tax will be charged to any person wearing robes in the pedestrian zone between December 1st and A

 

So did you hear the one about the Mandalorian Candidate who is trying to replace Republic troops with JarJar-Brained Battledroids?

Also is it seem odd to anyone else that the Mandalorian Candidate sounds alot like the Manchurian Candidate?

Just wondering.

 

Clearly I don't find the use of such monstrosities appealing.

However, I can see where they might have their uses. A battalion dropped behind enemy lines could wreak havoc with the confusion they would cause. Just imagine it.


"Wesa comin to get yousa."


"Woger, woger! Wesa bombaaad."

 

Hello all!

I apologize for the absence, but it has come to my attention that I am getting the EUCNN BACK ON TRACK and YOU ARE ALL ALONG FOR THE RIDE!!!

I promise nothing less than weekly reports and nothing more than weekly reports. Sometimes there will be reporting on a more frequent basis than weekly reports.

My first order of business will be to correct the above fallacious and felonious interview of myself by the Evil_King_Wiggins (deployed) by myself! Following that, as this reporter refines his relearned knowledge of his current expanded environment, there will be... lesser news (aka- about you).

ta-ta.

-Deception

 

EUCNN Covers The EUCNN!!!

Welcome, friends. Tonight, we bring you a special report about ourselves. Specifically, the lack thereof.

Earlier this week, we received a message from network founder and head anchor, Evil_King_Wiggins which reads as follows:

"Hey guys! I hope everything's going well! I can't wait to see all of the reports I'm missing! I'm sure everyone in the EUC is eating it up!!!"

We have yet to respond, though our current draft looks something like this:

"..."

We spoke to CPL_Macja, acting Chancellor and most reliable patron of the EUC, to find out his thoughts on the current state of the EUCNN.

"You guys just aren't very reliable, anymore. I may be reliable, but at least I'm dedicated to being reliable enough to be reliable. Can't you be reliable? Can't you be cool like me?"

Darth_Gangrenous chimed in:

"I'm not sure who you are or what exactly you're doing, but I want you to know I respect you and it, respectively.

Respectfully yours,
Darth_Gangrenous

p.s.- respect."

We also spoke to resident Mandalorian overlord, Bardan_Jusik, but couldn't understand what he was saying, and gave up.

Finally, we'd like to close with a quote from local-favorite mod, s65horsey.

"I like horses!"

Indeed, horsey.... indeed.

I'm Darth_Deception.

Continue expanding your horizons, expanded universe community.

---

See you soon for our coverage on the Mandalorian takeover!!!

[i]all likeness and whatever are like, totally fictitious and stuff. sorry about that.[/i]

 

Well you know you can rely on a reply from Mr. Reliable.

I was like:

 

I expect nothing less than an hour long special about how I finally broke through and won my long eluded Starfighter Draft special.

Also, all my quotes will be slightly modified versions of Dirk Nowitzki quotes.

 

I would be more than willing to assume the role of "General Slander Executive" in the EUCNN, and slander and insult and bring embarrassing truths to the surface about anything or anyone in the EUC.

My qualifications?

I run (ran?) the CCCNN, the older counterpart to this network in the SWC.

*smiles as he begins to draft his first slanderous attack, just in case*

 

I'd be glad to have you aboard!

Mac- I enjoyed your response.

NYJ- I'll see about working that in- perhaps in the Style section...

 

Hey it is not my fault you can't speak a civilized language like mando'a!

As for the upcoming Mandalorian takeover, I have no comment on that at this time. Classified Protector operations are not to be discussed with members of the public or media.