EUCNN: There not yet quite.

Hey everybody,
Thanks for clicking on the EUCNN thread or, as it's referred in the "industry", a browser-formatted window to the soul. It's been a long process getting this out to you -- from its infancy as a "concept thread" detailing my years as a stained glass artist in Antwerp, to a aborted thread containing 350 lines of random four-letter-words tentatively titled "You stink, I drink", which due to current legal restrictions with an unnamed jedi council*, I'm not at liberty to talk about at any more length. Suffice to say, you cannot litigate genius, my friends -- remember that.
But now I'm so psyched to know you guys can finally read EUCNN on the first page of the EUC, and, inevitably on the second, third, and census pages. A lot of the material to be posted later was written back when I was selling frozen yogurt on the bayou, during my ?Midwestern mysticism? phase at night crying alone in my room or just completely wasted off my ass. I have to say, I have no recollection of one of the upcoming posts or how the hell I typed it, but I?m pretty sure it?s me. It looks like my hand-writing, anyways. So, here it is. No more forum death threats, in-band fighting, or staying up till 5 in the morning trying to figure out something that rhymes with ?purple?. Just pure, unadulterated comedy from me to you. I hope you have as much fun listening to it as I had making it. And in case you happen to see this thread laying around in the bottom pages of the EUC, do me a favor and pick it up. I?m not saying you have to post in it or anything -- maybe all it wants is a little attention. A kind word. Or a loving touch. Remember -- somewhere, at one time, someone liked it enough to post in it, and by not posting in it anymore, what they were really saying was not that they didn?t like the thread, but that they didn?t like themselves.

-- KansasNavy

 

Yay!

 

"Where's the Comedy?"

 

Where's the return key?

 

Get the hell on with it.

 

woooo!!! My icon has meaning, again!

 

Hold-on...I'm busy. The anticipation (and my free-time) isn't enough.

 

Oh wow. Just...wow.

I forgot how monstrously brilliant this highly misinformativnessnationive thread was. It takes me back to my days as a duck wrangler in the Alaskan Desert. Back then, you didn't have any hippies trying to keep you from using hard duck manual labor to drill oil in the sweet, sweet black gold fields of that unihabited mystery land. I once ran across a man from "Japan," which we all learned earlier is a land of myth and legend, not be used lightly and sure to curse you if negative thoughts about it you think. This man, with his great sword and the power of industry trotting at his heels like some sychophant Democratic lap dog had the chutzpah to give to me a platinum chapstick doohicky (mint flavored) even as I ate a candy cane, sitting on the corpse of some fat man with a big white beard, a great red coat and some very mute, deformed Canadians tied to a sled. I said thank you, would you like to feast on the goodness below me and he said no, I have to get back to my pagoda and slice foreign businessmen to ribbons with my twin katanas of cheap manufacturing and midlevel quality products.

After that, I ventured to the Russian Steppes where I met the dread Vladamir Ibanakonovichich. We struggled for control of the world's snow supply for forty leagues and forty leagues, but in the end, I came out victorious. Sitting there in the snow, his steaming, charred-from-my-eyebeams body no more than a handspan away from my finely tuned killing machine body, I smoked a cigarette made from ent bark and hobbit hair. I had defeated the second Lord of Snow and my journey was almost complete. Two more of the great behemoths stood in my way, including the dread Australian Apache chief, Crazy Whore and Brah-heel's finest importer/exporter, Art Vandele de Sanchez Rivera Montoya Rio Bravo, truly a dread soul if I ever ate one. Well, those were all that my journey really included, not counting that Vietnamese brothel or the Penguin Host of Arturo Trioculus, dread one that he is.

And I covered it all for EUCNN!

Ah, memories.

 

Yes the greatest news channel never invented is back.

 

Well, Were are the posts?

 

Wait a-second ....

Nope; I almost had one, but finals and that socializing crap brought me out of it.

 

A bit of breaking news, we go live to Spiderdevil.

---

[b]SD[/b]: Thanks you, Bane. I'm here at the Poughkipsie Books-a-Million where a special book signing by legendary Star Wars and Dune author Kevin J. Anderson, known to this inside his cabal as "Mastermind," turned into a bloodbath of epic proportions. One minute, the rotund, bearded man was autographing copies of the Jedi Academy Trilogy as well as House Rahbahbah Dune books. Then a certain fat jedi walked in and ruined the whole thing. I have with me an eye witness from that delightful prison continent, kiwi Matt Kadue Boomarang. Matt?

[b]Kadue[/b]: My name isn't really Kadue. Or boomarang.

[b]SD[/b]: And you're also not a flightless bird named after a delightful fruit, but who's really splitting hairs here?

[b]Kadue[/b]: I-

[b]SD[/b]: Guh...

[b]Kadue[/b]: Guh...?

[b]SD[/b]: Dai...

[b]Kadue[/b]: Dai...what're you-

[b]SD[/b]: Mate!

[b]Kadue[/b]: I'm going to rip you a right new one.

[b]SD[/b]: C'mon, say it once, monkey!

[b]Kadue[/b]: You son of a-

[hr]
Uhm...as you can see, we are still workign the kinks out of our new system. Ahem.

We'll be right back. :)

 

Stay tuned for my interview with the infamous KJA himself. Pulitzer material for sure.

 

Gah!

 

Spiderdevil: Good evening. With me tonight is a man known to many as "The Mastermind." I'm speaking of course about the infamous KJA. K...may I call you K?

KJA: You may.

SD: All right. Thank you for choosing to appear on our program. I understand there were offers from many other networks.

KJA: KJA does not deny this. But KJA values his privacy, so he feels that this network is the best place to come if he must appear in public.

SD: Wait...are you saying no one watches EUCNN?

KJA: KJA would have thought that was obvious by now.

SD: <off-camera> KN, is it really that bad?

KN: Well, according to our insta-ratings poll, only 6 people watching right now.

SD: But there are at least 12 people in the control booth alone.

KN: Your point being?

SD: ...nevermind. Anyway, back to you, KJA. Do you have any comments regarding the massacre which took place following your booksigning?

KJA: KJA has no time for such petty concerns.

SD: But...there were twenty-three deaths...you yourself were responsible for at least 9 of them...

KJA: KJA confesses that he blacks out from time to time, sometimes waking to find scattered limbs and horrific screams.

SD: Screams...yes. Reports say that your screams were the loudest. That you declared, and I'm quoting here: "None may harm KJA! For I am legion! Gaze upon the glory that is your death!"

KJA: ...KJA does not know how to respond to this.

SD: Nor does anyone else, I'm afraid. <pauses> Just a moment, I'm receiving a message in my earpiece...

KJA sits back and picks his teeth, removing what may or may not be a piece of human bone.

SD: All right. I've just been informed by KansasNavy that our 6 viewers have now dropped to 2, so I've been instructed to ask you about your kinky sex life in a shameless ploy for ratings.

KJA: KJA would be delighted. Perhaps you are interested in becoming another of KJA's conquests?

SD: Um...we'll be right back.


EUCNN: When it's news to you, chances are it's news to us as well.

 

Hah!

 

Will there be a trial? Cause if there is someone should cover it.

 

I've been instructed to ask you about your kinky sex life in a shameless ploy for ratings.

Nothing like an obese nerd's libido for viewers

 

It was decent, but pales in comparison to the old glory of EUCNN.

"Glory?" I think you have us confused with some other news organization. We strive for a comfortable level of mediocrtity here at EUCNN.