EUCNN: We're the Network you wish you were!

|EUCNN| EUCNN Newsbar proudly presents some things that NO normal person can do |EUCNN| No normal person can eat raw carrots quietly |EUCNN| No normal person can give directions without using their hands |EUCNN| No normal person can walk past a mirror without glancing in it |EUCNN| No normal person can watch another person yawn three times without yawning themselves |EUCNN| No normal person can pass a piano without pressing at least one key |EUCNN|

Are you saying I'm not normal? About time!

Deranged Easter bunny on Easter banner really scares people

*Huddles in corner*

Those big, scary eyes!!! *Runs away screaming*

 

New Sith Order/Galatic Defenders War Update(I was ask to do this 4 months ago. )

General Darth Oochy launched an attack against Dantooine with a S-SSD and destoryed the planet, killing nearly 1.8 billion. The brave attack by the captian of a Ryson Defense Fleet ship destoryed the massive SSD by ramming it at lightspeed. General Oochy's force pulled out, leaving two Jedi injured after the space battle.

In other news the Jedi have made a deal with the Dark Lord Dispicable, to exchange Jodack Palpaitine for the plans for the Eclipse-class SSD. The meeting is taking place at an undisclosed location.

Jedi Master Booster reports that his brother may have joined the Sith and plans revenge for his sisters death. More on this later...

 

Deranged Easter bunny on Easter banner really scares people.

ROFLOL!


Nice update Oochy.

 

Bush declares Iraq ?completely war-free, and we?ve got it right this time?, major missile strike follows

I thought this was EUCNN, not actual CNN.

Seriously, good stuff.

 

Valyn's Hanger Update


EUCNN, When news breaks, we fix it!

In other news today, british born man bets life savings and his clothing on a single number on a roulette wheel in vegas, he won. Inthread, we have a lovely topical selection happening based apon what body parts people represent of Valyn's human figure. So far, his hands have still not been taken. Last week, on a split second decision, the Hanger recieved a new Senator, Thok. He promised to not interfere with anything, and allow the crazyness to continue. More news to come, this is Ran Daver, signing off.

 

It's time! The EUCNN Newbar "Greatest Hits"! Enjoy!


|EUCNN| The EUCNN Newsbar team would like to announce the Newsbar?s greatest hits! Have fun! |EUCNN| F.A.D.A. members finally concede that Anakin might not be coming back |EUCNN| icniV ad odranoeL yb deripsni rabsweN s'yadoT |EUCNN| Genghis12 sick of being called ?Ghengis12? |EUCNN| This just in: Grand Admiral Thrawn failed art class |EUCNN| Le bar d'Actualite de EUCNN est plus pretentieux en François |EUCNN| OPPM found mysteriously beaten up, pulverised, shot, and stabbed in seedy backstreet |EUCNN| New piece of evidence claims a Super Star Destroyer is actually 45 km long |EUCNN| Bush orders bombe Alaska in restaurant: misinterpretation leads to terrible tragedy in Anchorage |EUCNN| George Lucas hijacks EUCNN. EUCNN is now a pay-per-view service, charges just $20 per program. Newsbar extra |EUCNN| 14 year old JC?er amused by last name of ex-goalkeeper David Seaman |EUCNN| The Meaning of Life is not 42. That is the Meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything. The Meaning of Life, assuming that the ratio of Life to the Universe and Everything is 1:1:1, is actually 14. Thank you for your ignorance. |EUCNN| Scotty maintains that the Starship Enterprise is giving all she?s got |EUCNN| Elijah Wood enjoyed playing Frodo so much that now he can?t kick the Hobbit |EUCNN| CAPITALISED TEXT FOUND TO STAND OUT |EUCNN| Star Destroyer found errantly venturing around the galaxy ? Booster Terrik sues |EUCNN| R2-D2 bemoans shortage of non-natural shampoos and exfoliates |EUCNN| Eleven year-old boy declared to be world?s oldest recorder player |EUCNN| The national smoking club says that smoking can be good for you: 100% of non smokers die |EUCNN| Reality TV loses its sense of reality |EUCNN| DISCLAIMER: This Newsbar may contain traces of peanuts, ice hockey fans, NFL followers, or other nuts |EUCNN| This just in: 90% of suicides are committed during or immediately after listening to rap |EUCNN| New on the market from Acme Corporation: insoluble sugar cubes, water-proof teabags, flame-retardant firewood, and solar-powered flashlights |EUCNN| Politicians consider minimum wage rise unaffordable: parliamentary salary to increase by 50% |EUCNN| US troops found liberating Ireland ? ?Alphabetically close? claims commander |EUCNN| Feminists in uproar over latest statistics: only 50% of people married in the past year were female |EUCNN| Vigilant father shoots bearded man coming down chimney in the early hours of December 25 |EUCNN| If you are reading this, you have no life |EUCNN| JC?er surprised that the length of a fictitious ship of mass destruction is still cause of great dispute and debate |EUCNN| Why is it that a man who takes money out of another man?s wallet is a pickpocket, yet a woman who takes money out of a man?s wallet is a wife? |EUCNN| Fascinating fact of the week: the practise of naming hurricanes and cyclones began early last century when an Australian weather forecaster decided to insult politicians he didn?t like by naming devastating tropical storms after them (typical ) |EUCNN|

I_F

 

R2-D2 bemoans shortage of non-natural shampoos and exfoliates

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

F.A.D.A. members finally concede that Anakin might not be coming back

As a Media Studies major, I demand to see your source for such an falsify remark.

Also, if I don't see a retraction for this, the FADA Minister for Insanity, Lunacy and Fanaticism will not be happy.

 

US troops found liberating Ireland ? ?Alphabetically close? claims commander

, must have missed that one first time round

 

Up.

Let's keep it alive, people...

I_F

 

!! Great work, I_F.

 

Awesome job!

|EUCNN| Fascinating fact of the week: the practise of naming hurricanes and cyclones began early last century when an Australian weather forecaster decided to insult politicians he didn?t like by naming devastating tropical storms after them (typical ) |EUCNN|



|EUCNN| Fascinating fact of the week: elevators rank as the safest form of transport, with only one fatality for every 160 million kilometres travelled. By comparison, stairs are five times as dangerous and cars are moving death-traps |EUCNN|

Wow...I knew there was a reason I liked elevators! How about escalators?

 

So, I've dug deep into my resources of wit, and I've managed to do another newsbar for you all (yeah, it's dodgy, but anyway ). Enjoy!


|EUCNN| Brand new ?reality? TV show introduced: ?Don?t Come Near Me With That Knife: Insanity House? |EUCNN| Star Wars fan not sure what to do after reading all the books |EUCNN| Tax cuts given just before election |EUCNN| Dammit, I spilt my drink... |EUCNN| Overheard - God to his boss: ?Jeez, I may be God, but if you want it done in six days, then it?s not going to be perfect? |EUCNN| Elderly farmer John MacDonald has farm, midwife faints |EUCNN| Orthodontist prescribes braces unnecessarily |EUCNN| If crime doesn?t pay, then why are so many people committing crimes? |EUCNN| Why is it that to score a ?touchdown?, you only have to run over the line, and when you get a strike, you don?t actually hit the ball? |EUCNN| Husband insists ?it looks nice? |EUCNN| ?Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? in crisis after sixth millionaire in a row |EUCNN| New #1 song not based on love |EUCNN| Nudist bares all |EUCNN| Comms issue hotly debated |EUCNN| This newsbar is routinely monitored by the CIA, as per the Patriot Act |EUCNN| Quick... blink before your eyeballs go dry reading this |EUCNN| Disappointed ten-year-old disproves theory that cats have nine lives |EUCNN| Lovesick frog has butterflies in stomach |EUCNN| Pick-up line in men?s magazine fails to secure date |EUCNN| Model?s body completely unattainable by any normal means |EUCNN| "Small medium at large", midget psychic escapes from jail |EUCNN| Politician speaks mind, accused of lying |EUCNN| Gwyneth Paltrow?s next child to be named ?Banana?, then third to be named ?Cucumber? ? ?it?s logical?, she claims |EUCNN| Dieter makes sure to order a diet Pepsi with their supersize KFC meal |EUCNN| Fascinating fact of the week: a US guard in a bank van was once killed when US $50 000 worth of pennies fell on him |EUCNN|

 

Good stuff, Iron_Fist! Thanks!

 

Great stuff.

 

"Small medium at large", midget psychic escapes from jail

So cheap... but so hilarious!

Gwyneth Paltrow?s next child to be named ?Banana?, then third to be named ?Cucumber? ? ?it?s logical?, she claims



Seriously, APPLE?

 

Fascinating fact of the week: a US guard in a bank van was once killed when US $50 000 worth of pennies fell on him

Ouch! That's gotta hurt.

 

If I wanted to copy all the funny lines out of that news bar...I'd have the entire thing in here. AWESOME JOB!

~LtJS

 

Hilarious, as always!

 

Star Wars fan not sure what to do after reading all the books

Read them again!

Nice job, IF.

 

Good stuff.

Hopefully, we can get Fist some more help with thread reps posting periodic updates here like Thok and Oochy's excellent examples above.

A good mix of comedy and real forum news - exactly what the thread's all about.

 

Thanks guys for the compliments


NJO Fan Club Update - Breaking news


Adalia-Durron and Jedi_Satimber were both admitted into intensive care earlier this week after several attempts to keep the NJOFC home thread moving along. The pair, both noted inhabitants of the Geriatric Ward, apparently exhausted themselves trying to jolly the thread along, which has coasted towards stagnation recently. Doctors reported that the two are in a "stable" condition, but warned that neither would be allowed out of their beds for some time, to avoid the risk of further occurrences. They also hinted at possible restrictions on the pair's future actions to "ensure that this never occurs again". Whether this will be a detriment to the pair remains to be seen.

Reports have come out that desertion from some of the lower ranks as well as some prominent Commanders has caused the current situation of the club ("close to dead"), but Grand Admiral and club founder Lord_RJ insists that the "club is going fine, we're active at our social boards, and everything is good. We've had a steady intake of new members in the recent past, although plenty of spots are still available - just speak to our club's Admiral, Iron_Fist". He declined to comment on the condition of Durron and Satimber, although he did mention that "It's never a good day when two such prominent members of the club are both out of action". Iron_Fist was unavailable for comment.



I_F

 

Are we going to get more anytime soon?

~LtJS

 

Maybe. If I get more time. Maybe...

I'll see what I can do, but my schedule (like I've been saying for a while...) is idiotically full...

I_F

 

Great headlines. *pops back out of existence*