Saga "Exile" ~ Bad to the Bone Challenge ~ Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, Darkly AU

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Rigil_Kent, Oct 28, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Moderators: Briannakin, mavjade
  1. Rigil_Kent Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jan 24, 2004
    star 1
    EXILE

    Genre: Action, Drama
    Summary: In a bleak time when the Dark Side is triumphant, one good man does what he must. Bad to the Bone challenge.
    Disclaimer: I own a big fat nothing. Not my hopes. Not my dreams. Nothing. All were pawned off to pay for school. And even that wasn?t enough?
    Challenge Rules: Take a Star Wars character and write an AU where this person has gone bad. Jedi, pilot, princess or pirate use your creativity to portray a canon personality in all their evil glory.

    I originally wrote this for a different story, one that I ultimately abandoned, but with some tweaking, I think I made it work. You be the judge?

    HUNTING THE DARK Jedi, Qui-Gon Jinn, I came to the planet Naboo.

    It was a dead world, occupied only by the corpses of the billions who died there on a single, tragic day so many years ago. Despite the ongoing war with the Separatists, a Republic battlefleet was always above the dead planet, under explicit orders from the Senate to never set foot on Naboo and to prevent any ship without special dispensation from landing. Viewed from orbit, it seemed a ridiculous instruction, as the world appeared to be a thriving and lush planet of rolling plains, soaring mountains and glittering oceans. Appearances are deceiving, however, and I, more than anyone, knew how deadly the world truly was.

    For I had destroyed it.

    Jinn was waiting for me at the Temple of the Sun, and he smiled as I approached. There was something sinister in his expression, something dark and feral that robbed him of the charisma he had possessed before he Fell. His eyes, once the clearest of blue, were now tainted yellow, and the stench of death seemed to surround him.

    "Hello, apprentice," he rasped as I drew even to him. I frowned.

    "You gave up the right to call me that ten years ago," I told him. Anger simmered within my breast, but I focused on control. There is no emotion, I recited mentally.

    "Did I?" He laughed. It was a bitter sound, like glass shattering against plasticrete. "You killed this world, Kenobi, not I." His voice was mocking, and he gestured expansively toward the shattered buildings that yet climbed into the darkening sky. "Even the Sith of old could not have done a better job."

    I said nothing in response, and allowed his words to wash over me. It was an old dark side technique intended to undermine the confidence of a foe, one that my old master had learned at the foot of his master now dead these many years. To those unskilled in such matters, it would seem to be nothing more than simple words, incapable of harming. The truth, like so many things Dark Side, was more pernicious. As he spoke, Jinn gently probed with the Force, honing in on his enemy's weakness and focusing his contempt there. If one was unprepared for such a subtle attack, one could be defeated before the battle had begun. For a moment, I knew despair. I had been the one to give the order that destroyed Naboo, and even now, I could still hear Padme Naberrie?s agonized cry as she clung to my apprentice while her world died. Guilt churned within my stomach, bitter and cold.

    It was an old friend to me, one I learned to wield like a weapon during the five years I was stranded here on Naboo. The number of times since then that I had faced certain death had hardened me, had made me callous and cold, especially once I learned the truth about my tainted Order. To non-Jedi, our lives appear to be exciting, as if we jumped from one heroic story to another. Few ever witnessed the truth of the matter, the long hours of difficult study and practice, or the overly strict discipline and training that ultimately led to darkness, or the moments of soul-crippling terror that gripped a thirty-year old facing the man he?d once loved as a father.

    So, instead of ignoring the fear, I accepted it, examined it from all angles, and discarded it as unhelpful. It was still there, of course, but had no hold upon me. Thus unencumbered, I gave myself over to my/>
  2. divapilot Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Nov 30, 2005
    star 4
    wow. Incredible!

    The first instinct is that Qui-Gon is the character who has turned, but Obi-Wan's viciousness, his intensity and willingness to destroy and rationalize it... That makes him pretty darn dark.

    This is masterfully done. =D= =D=
  3. KELIA Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 26, 2005
    star 6
    WOW - that was intense!

    I loved the action and pacing of the story.

    And evil Obi was just perfect

    Great response to the challenge

    =D= =D= =D= =D=
  4. Lilith Demodae Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 1, 1999
    star 4
    Wow, not a single Dark character, but the whole Jedi Order, with a Rogue Obi-wan trying to save as many as he could. I love it! Dark, and wonderfully creepy.
  5. earlybird-obi-wan Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 21, 2006
    star 6
    Whew, both were dark. Even Kenobi who seemed to be on the light side until you came to the end.

    Great writing.
  6. VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2004
    star 8
    Wow! Incredibly well done! I got shivers. [face_devil]

    It was an old friend to me, one I learned to wield like a weapon during the five years I was stranded here on Naboo. The number of times since then that I had faced certain death had hardened me, had made me callous and cold, especially once I learned the truth about my tainted Order. To non-Jedi, our lives appear to be exciting, as if we jumped from one heroic story to another. Few ever witnessed the truth of the matter, the long hours of difficult study and practice, or the overly strict discipline and training that ultimately led to darkness, or the moments of soul-crippling terror that gripped a thirty-year old facing the man he?d once loved as a father.

    So, instead of ignoring the fear, I accepted it, examined it from all angles, and discarded it as unhelpful. It was still there, of course, but had no hold upon me. Thus unencumbered, I gave myself over to my duty.



    =D=
  7. Jade_Pilot Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 10, 2005
    star 5
    Woot! Wow, RK, who knew you could write so dark???? [face_devil]

    Bravo!! =D=
  8. Nyota's Heart Combos & Paragraphs Host

    Game Host
    Member Since:
    Aug 31, 2004
    star 6
    Superbly written, gripping intense.

    =D=

    @};-
  9. ginchy Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2005
    star 4
    I didn't respond yet? Well, you know I loved it. I really like how everyone (including the Jedi) are dark here--and different from what we'd expect. And for Obi-Wan to be so completely opposite from the true Jedi he was--that is shocking. Great Halloween fic!
  10. Rigil_Kent Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jan 24, 2004
    star 1
    Thanks, all! Everybody's pretty evil in this AU, aren't they? Even the "good" guy is pretty ruthless, which is, I think, a reflection on his Jedi training...

    So, it's all that Evil!Yoda's fault... [face_mischief]
  11. Darth_Leia_6669 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 26, 2003
    star 4
    Evil Yoda is something I'd like to see! [face_skull]

    Awesome job! I love not knowing who's actually evil and who's just dark, and all the contradictions with the canon versions of the characters. Very well done!

    --later--
    6669 [face_devil]
  12. Jedi-2B Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Nov 2, 2000
    star 4
    You did two challenge responses? I'm impressed. This one was great, with Obi turning right before our eyes.
  13. _ThatJediScum_ Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 28, 2005
    star 3
    I agree Obi-wan is ruthless and hardened here but I am not sure if I would call him dark. I think Obi-wan's harshness is just a reflection of the enemy he is facing.

    Good job! :D

    bran
  14. Vialco Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 6, 2007
    star 4
    Nice, the Jedi Order has turned dark, and Obi-Wan has chosen to turn his back on them. This is similar to a fic that I wrote, called Requiem, it too has the Jedi Order go dark, led by Mace Windu, they kill Palpatine, and have their own dictatorship.
  15. MeleanaKenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 28, 2002
    star 2
    This was amazingly good. I loved it!
Moderators: Briannakin, mavjade
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.