Fan Film Script

Discussion in 'Fan Films, Fan Audio & SciFi 3D' started by Ad_Argolisen, May 18, 2002.

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  1. Ad_Argolisen Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 29, 2002
    What does :"Breathing is important for life", got to do with this? I mean, I may not know what you are trying to say. Thanks.
  2. Ad_Argolisen Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 29, 2002
    Oh, thanks. I misunderstood you. But if you will look at almost all of the lightsabers battles in the movies or books, when the two combatants know each other at least a little bit, they will talk during a momentary lull in the fighting. Thanks though.
  3. Various Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 15, 2002
    star 2
    It's hard to tell, but he was being sarcastic. :)
  4. Dalen_Fan_Jakan Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    May 22, 2002
    Is the talking in the lightsaber battle scenes really all that important? I mean, could you cut it back a little? Just a question.
  5. Ad_Argolisen Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 29, 2002
    Yes, it really is. The Talking between Nighthawk and Torvis gives the viewer the apperance that they knew each other before the events in the movie, which, by the way, they did. He started telling Ke-Son the story when the camera faded out. The dialoge between Ke-Son and Torvis is kinda like a repition of the classic battles between the Sith and the Jedi. Maul didn't talk to Obi-Wan or Qui-Gon because he didn't know anything about them besides their names. And when that Count gut fought Obi-Wan, Anikan and finnaly Yoda, he talked thought a lot of it. Thanks for the imput.
  6. Ad_Argolisen Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 29, 2002
    This is what we were planing for the opening "credits". How do they look?


    STAR WARS
    EPISODE 0
    THE BEGINNING OF DARKNESS

    IT IS A TIME OF PEACE FOR THE OLD REPUBLIC.
    WITH THE JEDI AT THEIR SIDE, NO ENEMY CAN STAND
    AGAINST THE REPUBLIC.

    BUT PRESSURES ARE BUILDING OUTSIDE AND EVEN INSIDE THE REACH OF THE REPUBLIC. ONE SUCH IS THE DARK JEDI WARP NOD. WITH HIM IS A POWERFUL FLEET, LED BY THE
    SITHSPAWN. AND ON THAT POWERFUL SHIP IS ONE OF THE
    MOST TERRIBLE, WELL-KEPT SECRETS OF ALL TIME.
    ONE THAT WILL THREATEN TO ERRADICATE THE REPUBLIC.

    BUT ALL IS NOT LOST. FOR THE JEDI MASTER KE-SON MAAL HAS DISCOVERED THE SECRET OF THE SITHSPAWN. SUPPORTING HIM IS A GROUP OF JEDI AND THEIR ALLIES. THEY ARE ALL THAT STAND BETWEEN THE REPUBLIC AND TOTAL DESTRUCTION. BUT STILL THERE ARE MORE TO JOIN THE FIGHT AGAINST THE JEDI KNIGHTS.

    WARP NOD?S APPRENTICE, DARTH TORVIS, IS SOON TO BECOME A SITH LORD. WITH HIS EVEVATION, SOON THE FIGHT WILL COMENCE FOR FREEDOM AND JUSTICE IN THE GALAXY...
  7. andalite Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jan 29, 2002
    star 2
    it says "republic" way too much.
  8. Ad_Argolisen Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 29, 2002
    STAR WARS
    EPISODE 0
    THE BEGINNING OF DARKNESS

    IT IS A TIME OF PEACE FOR THE OLD REPUBLIC.
    WITH THE JEDI AT THEIR SIDE, NO ENEMY CAN STAND AGAINST THE THEM.

    BUT PRESSURES ARE BUILDING OUTSIDE AND EVEN INSIDE THE REACH OF THE GALACTIC SENATE. ONE SUCH IS THE DARK JEDI WARP NOD. WITH HIM IS A POWERFUL FLEET, LED BY THE
    SITHSPAWN. AND ON THAT POWERFUL SHIP IS ONE OF THE MOST TERRIBLE, WELL-KEPT SECRETS OF ALL TIME. ONE THAT WILL THREATEN TO ERRADICATE THE REPUBLIC.

    BUT ALL IS NOT LOST. FOR THE JEDI MASTER KE-SON MAAL HAS DISCOVERED THE SECRET OF THE SITHSPAWN. SUPPORTING HIM IS A GROUP OF JEDI AND THEIR ALLIES. THEY ARE ALL THAT STAND BETWEEN ORDER AND TOTAL DESTRUCTION. BUT STILL THERE ARE MORE TO JOIN THE FIGHT AGAINST THE JEDI KNIGHTS.

    WARP NOD?S APPRENTICE, DARTH TORVIS, IS SOON TO BECOME A SITH LORD. WITH HIS EVEVATION, SOON THE FIGHT WILL COMENCE FOR FREEDOM AND JUSTICE IN THE GALAXY...


  9. Lord_Rive TFN Fan Films Staff

    VIP
    Member Since:
    Jun 29, 2000
    star 4
    All of the films have started with three paragraphs, not four... No biggie, but something to consider.

    Of course, they've all tilted down after the opening crawl until this month, so who knows...

    Also, it's a good idea to avoid using a conjunction ("but") at the beginning of a paragraph...
  10. GarenLiLorian Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 1, 2001
    star 1
    From your first post,

    "G4: Gold 4 reporting, Gold 3 was just blasted by a
    strange ship that was headed for the surface. "

    Sounds a bit unnatural. Maybe it's just me, but I'd change it to;

    G3: Gold three repor... hold on a second. Got an unidentified contact moving towards the planet at mark 2.5. Moving to intercept.
    G leader: 3, do you need help?
    G3: You won't make it. He's entering the atmosphere now... I think I can catch him. Wait. What the? <static>
    G leader: 3? report!
    (show shuttle dropping below cloud level, expanding cloud of debris)
    G4: he's gone.
    G leader: ... Copy that... (deep breath) alright, all ships form up. Rendezvous with the Thunderbolts at
    Coordinates H-52.95.

    A bit longer, but it's just an idea.
    EDIT; uh,...heh heh... ship's heading FOR the planet, not away, heh heh... misunderstood you. Ok. All fixed now.
  11. GarenLiLorian Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 1, 2001
    star 1
    For your second post;

    Torvis: I will enjoy watching you die, Jedi scum. I can
    feel your fear and anger.
    Ke-Son: You are mistaken, Darth Torvis. It is not I who
    will die today. It is you and your master, Warp Nod.
    Torvis: My master will be here shortly, and then you will
    be destroyed.
    Ke-Son: We will see.

    I'd cut Ke-Son's line in the middle and go straight from "I can feel your fear and anger." to "And soon, my master will join me on this planet, and you will be destroyed."
  12. GarenLiLorian Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 1, 2001
    star 1
    And, from your opening crawl (I've got too much time on my hands, sorry if I'm becoming irritating)

    IT IS A TIME OF PEACE FOR THE OLD REPUBLIC. WITH THE JEDI AT THEIR SIDE, THEY STAND ALL BUT INVINCIBLE.

    BUT PRESSURES ARE BUILDING OUTSIDE, AND EVEN INSIDE THE REACH OF THE REPUBLIC. ONE SUCH PRESSURE IS THE FACTION LED BY THE DARK JEDI WARP-NOD. (I'd change that name, by the way, nod is alright, but warp has too many connotations in sci-fi to make a good name) COMMANDING A POWERFUL FLEET FROM HIS FLAGSHIP SITHSPAWN, HE CONTROLS ONE OF THE MOST TERRIBLE, WELL-KEPT SECRETS IN THE GALAXY. ONE THAT THREATENS TO ERADICATE ALL THAT THE REPUBLIC HAS LABORED SO LONG TO BUILD.

    BUT ALL IS NOT LOST, FOR THE JEDI MASTER KE-SON MAAL HAS DISCOVERED THE SECRET OF THE SITHSPAWN. SUPPORTED BY A GROUP OF JEDI AND (who are thier allies?), KE-SON IS ALL THAT STANDS BETWEEN THE REPUBLIC AND TOTAL DESTRUCTION. BUT THERE ARE STILL MORE TO JOIN THE FIGHT AGAINST THE JEDI.

    WARP NOD'S APPRENTICE, DARTH TORVIS, IS SOON TO BECOME A SITH LORD. WITH HIS ELEVATION, THE FIGHT WILL COMMENCE FOR FREEDOM AND JUSTICE IN THE GALAXY...

  13. Ad_Argolisen Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 29, 2002
    Okay, you are not becoming a nucince or whatever you said. It is kinda of nice having another person revise your script. Ke-Son's allies are Nighthawk Arglisen, Cindy Martin and her brother, the Task force under the command of Captain Pacaster Nelwalker, Smockclay, and the crew of the G'Toth, Hope, Homeworld, Thunderbolt, IRD, Hyperspace Roamer, Flurry, Vigilance, Pride of Dantooine, Ghost,and the Space Cowboys (The Republic Fleet assinged to Taprowa and to assit the Jedi). Those are the allies of the Jedi. I agree with most of the revisions with the Opening Scene. And I changed Warp Nod to Darth Tiberius. Like that? But it all sounds good. I will try to incorparate many of things you suggested into the finial script. Thanks.
  14. Ad_Argolisen Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 29, 2002
    I think that this will work, don't you? Thanks a lot for the suggestions on the opening crawl. That has been the hardest part of the script.


    IT IS A TIME OF PEACE FOR THE OLD REPUBLIC. WITH THE JEDI AT THEIR SIDE, THEY STAND ALL BUT INVINCIBLE.

    BUT PRESSURES ARE BUILDING OUTSIDE, AND EVEN INSIDE THE REACH OF THE REPUBLIC. ONE SUCH PRESSURE IS THE FACTION LED BY THE SITH LORD DARTH TIBERIUS. COMMANDING A POWERFUL FLEET FROM HIS FLAGSHIP THE SITHSPAWN, HE CONTROLS ONE OF THE MOST TERRIBLE, WELL-KEPT SECRETS IN THE GALAXY. ONE THAT THREATENS TO ERADICATE ALL THAT THE REPUBLIC HAS LABORED SO LONG TO BUILD.

    BUT ALL IS NOT LOST, FOR THE JEDI MASTER KE-SON MAAL HAS DISCOVERED THE SECRET OF THE SITHSPAWN. SUPPORTED BY A GROUP OF JEDI AND THEIR ALLIES, KE-SON IS ALL THAT STANDS BETWEEN THE REPUBLIC AND TOTAL DESTRUCTION. BUT THERE ARE STILL MORE TO JOIN THE FIGHT AGAINST THE JEDI.

    WARP NOD'S APPRENTICE, DARTH TORVIS, IS SOON TO BECOME A SITH LORD. WITH HIS ELEVATION, THE FIGHT WILL COMMENCE FOR FREEDOM AND JUSTICE IN THE GALAXY...

  15. Ad_Argolisen Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 29, 2002
    Is this good? And the Thunderbolt is the name of a ship, not pural. Just noting that. Thanks.

    GL: Nice shootin? boys. Report in Gold Squadron.
    G2: Gold 2 checked in.
    G4: Gold 4 reporting in.
    G5: Gold 5 here.
    G7: Gold 7 reporting.
    G8: No one can shoot ol?8 down.
    G10: Gold 9 was a great pilot. This is Gold 10. Out?
    G3: Gold three repor... hold on a second. Got an unidentified contact moving towards the planet at mark 2.5. Moving to intercept.
    GL: 3, do you need help?
    G3: You won't make it. He's entering the atmosphere now... I think I can catch him. Wait. What the? <static>
    GL: 3? Report!
    (show shuttle dropping below cloud level, expanding cloud of debris)
    G4: he's gone.
    GL: ... Copy that... (deep breath) alright, all ships form up. Rendezvous with the Thunderbolt at Coordinates H-52.95.
  16. Ad_Argolisen Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 29, 2002
  17. Wajas Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 15, 2001
    star 1
    Warp Nod I would change mate...Warp from StarTrek obviously, and Nod has Command&Conquer connotations.
  18. GarenLiLorian Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 1, 2001
    star 1
    I don't know whether you care, but in Expanded Universe, at least, there are 12 ships to a squadron... Just a little nitpick.
    And, I know I suggested the re-write of the Starfighter sequence, but perhaps you should add some line emphasizing the urgency of thier rendevous with the Thunderbolt. Otherwise, (at least, if I was leading the squadron) they'd go after that shuttle, whether it went into the atmosphere or no.
    The crawl does seem a little more grand, (that's a good thing) but one thing still bugges me. The line;
    "BUT THERE ARE STILL MORE TO JOIN THE FIGHT AGAINST THE JEDI." Seems a bit stilted. I'm not sure what to do about it, but I thought I'd let you know...
    btw, I like Darth Tiberius. Innuendo is always good
  19. Ad_Argolisen Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 29, 2002
    Okay, well, I know that there SHOULD be twelve ships to a squadron, but the Rpublic is a little undermanded in the terms of starfighter pilots. Thats why Cindy's brother, Nighthawk and a few other "independent" pilots are flying for the Republic. And the reason they are helding for the Thunderbolt is that they are going back to tell the Jedi Master Kay Mardorn about what happened. And Darth Torvis' ship is NOT a shuttle. It is a Sith-Class Inflitator, named the, um, well, I just forgot the name. Anyways, how do you suppose that we re-write that sence to make it better? That would be really helpful. And I will tell a bit more concerning the rendezvous with the Thunderbolt. Thanks.
    P.S. I changed Warp-Nod to Darth Tiberius. Bye.
  20. Ad_Argolisen Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 29, 2002
    Well, acually, "Warp" comes from 'Tales of the Jedi: Dark Lords of the Sith'. The right hand of Freedom Nad was a Dark Jedi Lord named Warp-Null. Thats where I got it from. Just letting you know. And I changed it.
  21. Cyberskip Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 27, 2002


    Just out of curiosity, I couldn't find any reference to "Gilgath" in the U.S. Copyright office or in the U.S. Trademark registry.

    Where and when did you copyright it?

    I'm curious how long it takes to get things
    copyrighted

    Is it registered with the WGA?

    Just curious.
  22. Ad_Argolisen Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 29, 2002
    Um,um, I didn't copyright it. Just we had a short argument about the use of *Gilgath* in my script. Thank you for you imput, thought. But I am not the one to talk with about *Gilgath*. Just a little note. Thanks.
    P.S. What is WGA?
  23. Cyberskip Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 27, 2002
    It's the Writers Guild of America. You can register your script with them and they keep a record of it.

    It helps protect your intellectual property.

    http://www.wga.org/

    Of course for most fan films it wouldn't matter, seeing as Lucasfilm owns most of the rights and trademarks related to the Star Wars universe.
  24. GarenLiLorian Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 1, 2001
    star 1
    Ah, a Sith Infiltrator. Does it have a cloaking device like Maul's ship did? If so, I'd suggest the following;

    GL: Nice shootin? boys. Report in Gold Squadron.
    G2: Gold 2 checked in.
    G4: Gold 4 reporting in.
    G5: Gold 5 here.
    G7: Gold 7 reporting.
    G8: No one can shoot ol?8 down.
    G10: Gold 9 was a great pilot. This is Gold 10. Out?
    G3: Gold three repor... hold on a second. Got an unidentified contact moving towards the planet at mark 2.5. Moving to intercept.
    GL: 3, I'm not picking up anything on scope. Sure it's not a sensor ghost?
    G3: Negative, lead. Got him on visual now...
    GL: Squad, link missles to 3's targeting system. Fire on my mark
    G3: Belay that. He's got some sort of jamming. Torps (torpedoes) won't lock..., closing to laser range..., I think I can catch him before he hits atmosphere. Wait, what the? <static>
    GL: 3? report!
    G4: He's gone... I caught a flicker of something on my scanner... I think I can trace a probable landing area, but it'll take time.
    GL: Belay that.(deep breath)It's more important we warn the Jedi of (whatever they need warning of). It's only one ship. How much harm could it do? ...Alright squad, form on my wing. Rendezvous with the Thunderbolt at Coordinates H-52.95
  25. Whoever Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 31, 2002
    star 1
    I have been reading the page for half an hour and i have an idea for a way to get the talking in the fight. you could have Ke-(watever) get injured and have night(whoever)
    show up conveenyently and shoot her blaster(?) at darthy and distreact him. THEN you have the speech. and by the way who is that dals guy in the entry? see ya l8tr :cool:
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