Resource Fanfic Writer's Desk: Your Place for Writing Discussion, Questions, and Advice

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction and Writing Resource' started by Luna_Nightshade, Nov 24, 2011.

Moderators: Briannakin, mavjade
  1. Gamiel Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 16, 2012
    star 6
    Thanks you, even if i'm certain somebody else has come up with it before me.
  2. gizkaspice Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 27, 2013
    star 2
    Seems like Nature beat you to it @Gamiel --there actually exists a lizard that mimics a spitting beetle (Heliobolus lugubris) and a beetle that looks like a lizard (Tribe Languriini). So beetle-lizard is a real deal!! (which we writers can make even more cooler for a SW thing of course.....)

    Okay I'm going to stop being a nerd now.
    Tarsier, Findswoman and Gamiel like this.
  3. whiskers Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 19, 2005
    star 4
    Also: some ion weaponry to stop craft they want to plunder dead in their tracks.
    leiamoody and Gamiel like this.
  4. Cowgirl Jedi 1701 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 2016
    star 4

    In case anybody is curious what the aforementioned creature actually look like, here are links.

    Heliobolus lugubris

    Tribe Languriini
    Snocone, gizkaspice and Gamiel like this.
  5. Raissa Baiard Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 22, 1999
    star 4
    Does anyone have tips or suggestions for writing something set during canon events without retelling the entire thing?

    In this case, part of my story takes place during the events of the Rebels episode “Fighter Flight”. I don’t want to retell the entire episode, because that would make my chapter pretty long (and probably unwieldy). I don’t want to bog things down and get away from the theme of the chapter, how Zeb’s relationship with Ezra changes, by going into too much detail about the events, and yet they do play an important part in that. So far, I’ve outlined the key events of the episode, but I’m still not sure how to get away from telling the whole darn thing. :p

    Help?
    Findswoman likes this.
  6. Sith-I-5 Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 14, 2002
    star 6
    Who are your protagonists and POV, and how much of the episode has relevance to your fic?

    Are you writing about Zeb and Ezra, from within their relationship?

    For instance, I had a pair of ISB agents on Cloud City during ESB, doing their own thing, but knowing that Luke had arrived by X-Wing, and hearing Lando warning the whole place that the Empire was taking over the city, along with witnessing the panicked running through corridors.

    I would need to know your POV to see if it as removed as my agents, or are you actually dealing with the crew of the Ghost.
    Last edited by Sith-I-5, Oct 29, 2017
    Raissa Baiard likes this.
  7. Raissa Baiard Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 22, 1999
    star 4
    Zeb is actually my POV character, and the story is written in third person limited. I’d say that probably half of what occurs on screen is relevant to the story, because the episode’s events are the turning point in Zeb and Ezra’s relationship, going from antagonistic to friendly as they work together.
  8. Sith-I-5 Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 14, 2002
    star 6
    Is it possible to mention a single turning point out of the episode's events?

    If that seems hard, please bullet point for me all the moments where one of them agreed with, or helped the other, and I'll see if I can suggest something.
    Snocone likes this.
  9. Raissa Baiard Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 22, 1999
    star 4
    @Sith-I-5, here’s my bullet points (beneath the spoiler, for anyone who hasn’t seen the episode). I tried to boil things down as far as possible, but there’s a bit of action involved in each point.
    Show Spoiler
    • Hera, tired of Zeb and Ezra arguing, sends them on a supply run together, with orders to bring back at least one meiloorun.
    • Ezra and Zeb are pursued by stormtroopers when Ezra tries to steal the fruit. Zeb grabs Ezra and climbs up a building, and tosses him on the roof. Zeb falls when the troopers shoot at him and the two are separated.
    • Zeb steals a TIE fighter to go after Ezra and saves him.
    • On their way back home, they spot Imperial troops who have just burned a farm and taken the farmers prisoner. They work together to free the farmers.
    • Once again, Zeb saves Ezra in the nick of time.
    • The two conspire to hide the stolen fighter, instead of abandoning it as Kanan had ordered.


    Thanks for your help:)
    Findswoman likes this.
  10. Chyntuck Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 11, 2014
    star 5
    @Raissa Baiard Are you sure you want to have all that happen in a single chapter? It could become a very long entry if you want to emphasise Zeb's perception of Ezra in addition to all those events.

    In any case, I think a good approach would be to rewrite your bullet points from Zeb's POV, to see how your chapter builds up. I haven't seen Rebels yet so the below is probably off the mark, but it may give you an idea of what I mean.
    Show Spoiler

    • Zeb is upset because he's being teamed up with Ezra and that kid is a pain in the shebs.
    • Oh, brilliant! The kid tried to steal the fruit and we got spotted by stormtroopers. Looks like I'm going to have to save his hide again.
    • Argh! That hurts! I was shot. And now I lost the kid. Hera is going to kill me.
    • What to do, what to do? Oh, here's an idea! Let me get a TIE fighter and I'll go pick him up.
    (etc)
    Findswoman and Raissa Baiard like this.
  11. Sith-I-5 Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 14, 2002
    star 6
    No problemo. I don't watch Rebels, but it sounds like this episode was sponsored by the words, "I told them I'd left the gas on!"


    Here you go.

    Show Spoiler
    Zeb looked over as Ezra buckled on the clean trousers. "It was good of those farmers we saved to give you a change of clothes." His nose twitched as he regarded the pile of soiled pants that the young Rebel had discarded. "Wait till Hera hears how her pet jedi crapped his-"

    "I'd like to see how calm you are when a TIE fighter comes screaming down on you, all cannons blazing." Ezra glared back under his bangs. "And how'd you leave my ass in a firefight to go steal one anyway?"

    "I knew you'd be fine. Aren't we always talking about how rubbish stormtrooper aim is?"

    "I s'pose." Ezra noticed the Lasat narrowing his eyes and looking around. "What?"

    "Where's the fruit?"

    "What fruit?"

    "The whole reason for this stupid mission! Hera sent us for a meiloorun, remember?"

    "Oh, that." Exra raised his hand to the side, palm facing outwards, an a moment later, a small object blurred horizontally into view from offscreen somewhere, slapping audibly into his grasp, which when he showed the Lasat, turned out to be the meiloorun.

    "Good lad." The former Lasan Honor Guard leaned over and ruffled the padawan's hair. "We make a good team."
    Raissa Baiard and Chyntuck like this.
  12. PlanetSmasher Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Mar 14, 2017
    star 1
    I need help in writing up a dialog between two characters where the characters speak subtly, making cleverly veiled but crushingly stinging insults to each other. I have written up the dialog, but to me it doesn't have any punch. I need the dialog to have - PUNCH!

    Can I get a volunteer to help me out on this?
  13. Sith-I-5 Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 14, 2002
    star 6
  14. PlanetSmasher Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Mar 14, 2017
    star 1
    Thanks, Sith-I-5! I wanted to go over it privately, but there seems to be a character limit to private messages. So, how do we do this?

    EDIT:

    I'll just post it here.


    Show Spoiler
    In her hotel room, Jane thought back to her passionate fling with John. It was a fun two hours, but after the afterglow had worn off, reality had set in. She realized she didn’t want to get too cozy with John, and John had also thought of using her giddy feelings of the moment to get out of his impending arduous task.

    He proposed, “What if you hired some cheep labor to get that patio deck stained instead?”

    Jane answered, “You’re as cheep as they come, John.” Then she struck, “I’ll tell you what. Since you made me feel oh-so-wonderful, I’ll throw in five thousand dollars, as a bonus.”

    John was thoroughly humiliated by Jane’s offer, but he didn’t want her to know. He was a professional gambler, a con-man, and a cheat at poker and blackjack.

    He masterfully hid his hurt feelings with his best poker face, as he replied, “Well, if you’re gonna throw money at me, I’ll be happy to start staining the patio deck when we get back to the shop!”

    He got out of her bed and began to dress. Jane watched him quietly, wondering if nothing ever fazed him.

    She thought, “Damn! He’s got thick skin!

    John headed to the door, and just before opening it to exit, stopped and turned to face Jane.

    He told her, “It was a lot of fun for me too, but I don’t want you thinking that we’re gonna be an item or anything. Let’s not make a habit out of this, either. It’s better if we just got back to being professionals at work.” He made as though to leave, the door starting to open, but stopped and turned to face Jane again, adding, “Hey, and let’s be discrete about this with the rest of the employees. I don’t want them thinking we got something going on or anything, either.”

    Jane, lying naked on her bed, bristled on hearing this.

    With a smile that was too tight, and that failed to reach her eyes, she was not at all convincing at hiding her stung pride as she replied, “I’ll be sure to write you that bonus check as soon as possible.” Then raising her voice, to be sure John – already out the door and down the hallway – could hear, she added, “You’ve really earned it!”

    Jane had to get out of bed to shut the door. John’s smile widened as he made his way to the hotel elevator, and to the hotel lobby. He knew that his words had struck her hard, but he still stung at the humiliation of being treated like a male prostitute.


    That exchange between Jane and John. I want it to be zingers, but I'm not really nailing it, I think.
    Last edited by PlanetSmasher, Oct 31, 2017
  15. Sith-I-5 Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 14, 2002
    star 6
    I don't really get why John's feelings were hurt. He doesn't do patios, so why he should feel hurt by her offering him five grand to do it...oh well.

    You would probably be better off using lines that had to do with the actual people.

    For a start, none of this makes sense. He was a professional gambler, a con-man, and a cheat at poker and blackjack. None of that indicates in any way that the two work together in a job with employees, or which one is the boss, so making remarks about that, doesn't make sense.

    The only thing that seems to work, is John leaving the door open, so that she had to get out of bed to close it. I would suggest expanding that sequence a bit, eg. Jane having to leave the warmth of the bed to go shut the door

    If her five grand statement is about them sleeping together, I would lose the patio suggestion from John, as that unnecessarily prompts the reader into thinking the money is for the patio work.
    Last edited by Sith-I-5, Oct 31, 2017
  16. PlanetSmasher Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Mar 14, 2017
    star 1
    I changed the names, locations, and professions.... He doesn't do patios, but (earlier) he damaged the patio. So, he was tasked to repair it.

    The idea was that she was offering him 5K for making her feel good, but she offered it in the guise of paying him for work on the patio.

    He is offended because he understood she was offering him money as though she were paying him for sex.

    His come back seems kind of weak, too.

    EDIT:

    Also, she is the employer.

    I mentioned his skill as a gambler, con-man, and all of that, because I wanted to show how skillfully he hid the humiliation that he had felt from her words. "His masterful poker face."

    I guess he purposely "misinterprets" her offer of money as incentive to do the work on the patio, to hide how he feels about how she treated him.

    Apparently I failed to convey all of that. Looks, like I need to get back to the drawing board, but I could use some help to figure out how to illustrate the subtly veiled insults, and the hurt feelings.
    Last edited by PlanetSmasher, Oct 31, 2017
  17. mad-jade FanFic Mod that has gone Maaadddd

    Member Since:
    Oct 30, 2009
    There shouldn't be a limit on wordcount in PM, especially not on something that short. (Make sure you are in "Conversations" and not someone's profile wall, which does have a word count limit). If it happens again please PM me on my regular account (mavjade) and we'll see if we can figure out what's up because that shouldn't be happening.
  18. Chyntuck Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 11, 2014
    star 5
    @PlanetSmasher LOL, this is great! Here are a few suggestions from me. Red is my comments, blue is the places where I modified your text, *...* is where I'd put italics to emphasise a word.
    Show Spoiler
    In her hotel room, Jane thought back to her passionate fling with John. It was a fun two hours, but after the afterglow had worn off, reality had set in. She realized she didn’t want to get too cozy with John, and John had also thought of using her giddy feelings of the moment to get out of his impending arduous task. I think you need to add/change something here to show that she actually despises him and was using him even in bed. As things are right now, as a reader I didn't understand why the scene would shift from "passionate fling" to underhanded zingers.

    He proposed, “What if you hired some cheap labor to get that patio deck stained instead?”

    “You *are* cheap, John,” she said with a pointed look. “As cheap as they come, on every level. I’ll tell you what. Since you made me feel oh-so-wonderful, I’ll throw in five thousand dollars, as a bonus for supplementary, ahem, *services*.”

    John was thoroughly humiliated by Jane’s offer, but he didn’t want her to know. He was a professional gambler, a con-man, and a cheat at poker and blackjack. no need to describe his feelings here IMO; if these are underhanded zingers the reader should understand it from the flow of the text alone. He put up his best poker face and replied casually, “For that kind of money I'll work anything you want, no matter how old and decrepit it is.or equivalent – anything that can be interpreted as applying to her as well as the patio

    He got out of her bed and began to dress. Jane watched him quietly, wondering if nothing ever fazed him.

    She thought, “Damn! He’s got thick skin! Again, I'd remove the introspection. I also think that Jane needs an extra line here; perhaps something like "I only pay for hard work, I'm sure you won't disappoint".

    John headed to the door, and just before opening it to exit, stopped and turned to face Jane.

    He told her, “It was a lot of fun for me too, but I don’t want you thinking that we’re gonna be an item or anything. Let’s not make a habit out of this, though. It’s better if we just got back to being professionals at work.” He made as though to leave, the door starting to open, but stopped and turned to face her again, adding, “We don't want the rest of the employees to think that there's anything to see here... beyond a purely professional *transaction* of course.

    Jane, lying naked on her bed, bristled on hearing this.

    With a smile that was too tight, and that failed to reach her eyes, she was not at all convincing at hiding her stung pride as she replied, no need for more detail, we already understood from her smile that she didn't do a good job at hiding her feelings “I’ll be sure to write you that bonus check as soon as possible.” Then raising her voice, to be sure John – already out the door and down the hallway – could hear, she added, “You’ve really earned it!”

    Jane had to get out of bed to shut the door. John’s smile widened as he made his way to the hotel elevator, and to the hotel lobby. He knew that his words had struck her hard, but he still stung at the humiliation of being treated like a male prostitute.
    PlanetSmasher and Sith-I-5 like this.
  19. PlanetSmasher Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Mar 14, 2017
    star 1
    I'll look into this. I may have been in the wrong place. Thanks for pointing it out.

    EDIT: This was in reply to Mad Jade's post. For some reason, it didn't automatically quote Mad Jade, when I replied.
    Last edited by PlanetSmasher, Nov 1, 2017
    mavjade likes this.
  20. PlanetSmasher Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Mar 14, 2017
    star 1
    Thanks for your reply. Thanks for your suggestions. I'll be study this carefully. This is most helpful. Thanks again.

    EDIT:

    This is in reply to Chyntuck's suggestion. For some reason, it didn't automatically quote the post when I replied.
    Last edited by PlanetSmasher, Nov 1, 2017
    Chyntuck likes this.
  21. Cowgirl Jedi 1701 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 21, 2016
    star 4
    Aren't that kind of glitches annoying? If you're having trouble with quotes (or are just feeling lazy), you can tag the person you are responding to. Also you can respond to more than one person in the same post.
  22. PlanetSmasher Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Mar 14, 2017
    star 1
    One of these days, I'll have to figure out how to do all of that...

    EDIT:

    Posted in response to Cowgirl Jedi's post. Somehow, it didn't auto quote when I replied.
    Last edited by PlanetSmasher, Nov 1, 2017
  23. Chyntuck Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 11, 2014
    star 5
    @PlanetSmasher Are you posting through a mobile app, or directly on the site? If the latter, which browser are you using?
  24. PlanetSmasher Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Mar 14, 2017
    star 1
    I tried finding the way to do a private message send, on your profile page, but all I managed to accomplish to do was post a comment about the origins of your user name.

    Show Spoiler
    I'm using my PC at work, right now. *shhhhh* At work I use Internet IE. At home I use Firefox.
  25. LAJ_FETT Tech Admin and Collecting/Lucasfilm Ltd Mod

    Administrator
    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    star 9
    PlanetSmasher - to send a PM to a user you can click on his/her profile. For example, to PM Chyntuck click on her name above and a small panel should open over this thread. Look for 'start a conversation' and click on that.
Moderators: Briannakin, mavjade