Before FIC: Understanding (JA) *Epilogue posted 4/10/03*

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Obi the Kid, Apr 4, 2003.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Moderators: Briannakin, mavjade
  1. Obi the Kid Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 13, 2000
    star 4
    As you can read in the NOTE section under my disclaimer, this is a very personal story for me. One that I have written during the past week, and involving a situation that's been going on for a month now. It's not the first time for this situation, and I know that it won't be the last. For personal reasons, this story will be posted in very few places. I hope to post once a day until the story is complete. Thanks!

    Obi

    *****************************

    TITLE: Understanding
    AUTHOR: Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)
    RATING: PG
    SUMMARY: Pre-TPM. Non-Slash. Obi-Wan tries to understand a close friend?s battle with depression. (Obi-Wan is 16. Taj is 18.)
    ARCHIVE: This story is not available for archiving.
    FEEDBACK: Always appreciated.
    MY WEBSITE: http://www.angelfire.com/movies/obithekid/
    DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.

    NOTE: This is in many ways, a true story. For all intensive purposes here, Obi-Wan is me. Writing has always been a good release. It allows a person to get out all those pent up feelings and emotions that you just can?t share with others. I by no means an expert on Depression. But from conversations with my friend about what they battle with every day, and in knowing my own feelings when I am in the position that Obi-Wan is put into in this story?this is how it?s come out. Just knowing this person for the few years that I have, has given me a much greater understanding and respect for those who struggle with Depression. But as Obi-Wan finds out in this story?he is still learning. As am I.

    ===============
    Understanding
    ===============

    ?Master, have you ever had a time when someone who you thought was your friend just stopped talking to you??

    ?No, not that I recall.?

    Qui-Gon Jinn approached his apprentice who was lounging in a large chair. The boy stared thoughtfully out the window of their apartment. The master sensed a certain sadness in the air.

    ?Oh.?

    That abbreviated answer, combined with the solemn mood immediately alerted Qui-Gon that all was not well with his apprentice at the moment.

    ?What?s wrong, Padawan??

    ?Taj won?t talk to me.? He suddenly blurted out. ?I?ve tried everything. I?ve sent him comm messages. I sent notes through my data pad. I even tried to talk to Master Jerra when I saw him in the dining hall yesterday, but he left before I could get to him. I can?t get him to answer any of my messages.?

    ?When?s the last time you spoke with him??

    ?Over a week ago. We had lunch together and that was it. Nothing since. I don?t know what happened between us. Did I do something to hurt him? Say something wrong? I don?t understand why he won?t talk to me.? He finished the thought in an exasperated rush.

    ?Could he be sick? Did he seem ill when you saw him last??

    Obi-Wan shrugged. ?Maybe he looked a little tired. But he didn?t say anything was wrong. And he?s been sick before and he?s never completely ignored me like this. If he?s sick, why can?t he just send me a message and say that? Why does he have to do this? It?s almost as if I don?t exist anymore. Like I don?t matter in his life. I thought we were friends. That he could talk to me about anything. Master?? Emotion filled the young voice and he had to stop himself before he lost further control.

    Moving behind the chair, Qui-Gon placed his hands on the boy?s shoulders and massaged them gently. ?Relax, Obi-Wan. You?re getting yourself all worked up over this. You and Taj have been close friends for a long time now. I am sure there is some reason behind his actions.? Qui-Gon then remembered that he would see Taj?s master in a few hours. Perhaps he could take a few moments and talk to his old friend. ?I have a meeting with the council this evening with seve
  2. Arwen-Jade_Kenobi Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 9, 2002
    star 5
    Great post! I can't wait to see where this goes, I haven't seen this type of story before so I hope that things turn out well for them
  3. Ginger_Jedi Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 4, 2001
    star 6
    Good start Obi and depression in a friend is something I can relate to - a friend of mine has been very depressed lately and it was hard on everyone.

    I really look forward to seeing how this story developes :) It's a good start and coming from you, I know it'll be wicked from start to finish.
  4. Obi the Kid Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 13, 2000
    star 4
    Thanks Arwen and Ginger for reading and for your comments. This is a close as I could get to non-fiction without actually revealing names, etc. So, I hope others can relate as well. I just finished writing a short epilogue to this story that is told in an Obi POV. If all goes well, that will post once this entire story has posted.

    Thanks!

    Obi
  5. Padawan_Jess_Kenobi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 20, 2002
    star 4
    Great job so far! I can also relate, as one of my friends has been very depressed lately too, and it affects us all. I love how you played Obi-Wan's emotions, and this is quite the different storyline. Keep up the wonderful job.

    Oh and Obi the Kid? I hope everything turnes out for the best for you. :)
  6. Obi the Kid Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 13, 2000
    star 4
    Thanks so much Jess! Just what I needed today..encouraging words!
  7. KrystalBlaze Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 3, 2002
    star 5
    A nice story there, Obi, since I've been through depression before. I hope everything turns out okay for you. :) A good start. You've got a way with words.
  8. Obi the Kid Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 13, 2000
    star 4
    Thanks Krystal! You guys are making me feel much better today.

    Next post should be up tomorrow morning sometime.

    Obi
  9. TheSwedishJedi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 15, 2001
    star 4
    Looks interesting, Obi. Hits a little close to home here too. Hope everything is working out for you. Can't wair for the next piece.

    ~Swede :)
  10. Obi the Kid Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 13, 2000
    star 4
    Thanks, Swede. You know you go thru something like this, and it makes you feel like you are the only one..but then to find out that so many others know of a similar experience...makes me feel like I'm not so alone in things as I though.
  11. Obi the Kid Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 13, 2000
    star 4
    Why I am up so early in the morning, I have no idea! Can I blame my dog? :D Okay, here's the next part.
    ===================================


    ?It was diagnosed two years ago while we were on a mission. I?d noticed a great change in him. His attitude. How he carried himself. His unwillingness to talk. And the need to sleep all of the time. We were on Gamus II. I got so concerned that I had him to a doctor there. Gamus is well known to have some of the best medical personnel in the galaxy, so I felt comfortable enough with them. But to be sure, I had Taj see the temple healers when we returned home. It?s a chemical imbalance that causes it. Sometimes brought on by stress. He?s on a daily regime of medicine to help control the imbalance, and it works most of the time. But there are periods when it overwhelms him. The depression hits hard. It?s happened maybe seven or eight times in these last two years, these intense down times.?

    Qui-Gon questioned Jerra carefully on the subject. Wary, but trying to understand further. ?And when he gets like this, he withdrawals??

    ?Yes. He?s very sensitive about it. Uncomfortable with talking about what he has to deal with. He thinks no one will understand. And it is such a difficult illness to understand. The last thing he wants to do is explain it over and over. So he pulls back. And in the process, pushes people away.?

    ?Obi-Wan said he wouldn?t acknowledge his calls.?

    ?Please don?t think bad of Taj, Qui-Gon. This is not something he wished upon himself. And he?s doing his best to deal with what?s been given to him. Taj is a wonderful apprentice. Very willing and bright. He?s a good person. But he struggles with something beyond his control.?

    Shaking his head, Qui-Gon put a hand on his friends arm. ?No, Jerra. I didn?t mean for it to sound like I was critical of Taj. I can honestly say I know very little about depression. I don?t understand it or what a person who suffers from it must go through. From what I?ve seen of Taj, he is indeed a wonderful young man. He and Obi-Wan have a great deal in common, and when they are around each other, I find myself almost consumed by their energy. I would never think that depression could affect a boy who seems to truly enjoy life so much.?

    ?He does enjoy life. And he will again, once he can get past this most recent spell. It saps his energy. It gets to the point where the only thing he?ll be interested in, is sleeping. He can push himself if needed, as he did during that mission on Gamus. But it?s a different Taj than I am used to. I?m still learning how to deal with him when he gets like this. I am trying to understand. At times I don?t know what to do, or even what to say. He?ll talk to me some, but most of the time when the depression is at it?s worst, he even pushes me away,? Jerra finished sadly and then said, ?Qui-Gon, please keep this confidential. It?s very important that others don?t know about this. It?s up to Taj to tell his friends, if he chooses to.?

    ?Would it be okay to let Obi-Wan know? If I ask him to keep this in confidence, he will.?

    After a few moments, Jerra agreed. ?I will let Taj know. But it?s not a subject that Obi-Wan should bring up when they are together. If Taj wishes to talk about it, he will.?

    ?I understand.?

    ?You know, it?s funny,? Jerra reflected. ?When I first made the decision to take Taj as my apprentice, I spoke with his group leader. He told me that Taj goes through what he called ?sad periods.? He would do his work and the training that was required, but he asked to work alone during those times. But he never said why. I sense that was the beginning of what he now deals with on a more extreme level.?

    ?It was never checked out by the healers when he was younger?? Qui-Gon asked.

    ?No. Taj would just tell them that sometimes, he got sad. And since physically he was doing fine and his studies didn?t suffer, they didn?t pursue it further.?

    ?And if they had??

    ?I asked Terran that same question. He?s told me tha
  12. Padawan_Jess_Kenobi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 20, 2002
    star 4
    *claps* Beautiful job with that last post, Obi! :D Now we see what happened. Aw, poor Taj, suffering from something like that. I can see why Obi is so sad from it, I am relating to that experiance now with one of my friends. I guess the best thing Obi-Wan can do is just to back off. Or even, he can still be the best possible friend he can, even if Taj does not see that. :) Wonderful, powerful chapter. I loved it. :)
  13. TheSwedishJedi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 15, 2001
    star 4
    Very touching. Poor kid, I understand what he goes through. It can get really hard sometimes. Wonder what Obi will do when he finds out. I know he'd be understanding and all but I hope he doesn't try to push things, that could only make it worst. Can't wait for more.

    ~Swede :p

    P.S. Man, you were up late. Or early. Or whatever. :D
  14. Ginger_Jedi Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 4, 2001
    star 6
    Another sensitive and well written post OTK :)
  15. Obi the Kid Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 13, 2000
    star 4
    Jess, Swede and Ginger, THANKS! This is one of those stories that was easy to write..but hard as well. Um...my dog decided that 530 am was a good time to get up this morning and drive me nuts. So I figured...may as well post early! hehe!

    Obi
  16. Kelly Kenobi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 23, 2000
    star 4
    Very touching Obi. I can't say that I understand what any of these characters are going through, because thankfully I have never had to experience it from any POV and I hope I never do.

    It's very interesting to see how depression effects the various people in such a diffent way. I am anxious to see how Obi-Wan will react to the truth and very anxious to see how Taj will react to the fact that his condition is now known by more than just his Master and the healers. I hope he doesn't push Obi-Wan out of his life, even for a brief time, although I fear that is what I suspect will happen.

    I am happy that at least you seem to have several outlets, that seems to be very important to personal healing. I hope your friend is okay.

    I am also thrilled to see you posting another of your more angst filled stories, while your humorous stories are LOL funny, it's the drama I can't get enough of.
  17. Arwen-Jade_Kenobi Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 9, 2002
    star 5
    Marvelous post Obi. A real eyeopener into how much Taj suffers from this. I'm really feeling for him.

    Hope to see more soon! Good luck to your friend!
  18. Obi the Kid Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 13, 2000
    star 4
    Kelly and Arwen, thank you. I appreciate all or your comments and wishes! Means a great deal.

    Thanks.

    Obi
  19. KrystalBlaze Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 3, 2002
    star 5
    Good job. A well thought out post. You cued the emotions perfect. Keep up the good work.
  20. Obi the Kid Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 13, 2000
    star 4
    Thanks Krystal! Here's the next part!
    ======================================


    When Jerra returned to his apartment, he called out to his padawan. Taj slowly forged his way out of the bedroom and dropped himself onto the couch. His brown skin hiding the dark circles under his eyes only slightly. His normally black eyes had changed to almost a pale blue in his weariness.

    Jerra sat on the small table in front of the couch. He needed to be able to look into the young man?s face. ?Have you been sleeping??

    Taj shook his head. ?Can?t.?

    ?You want me to help you??

    ?No, Master.? Then he looked over at his teacher. ?Where did you go??

    ?After the meeting, I ran into Qui-Gon. That?s what I wanted to talk to you about. I?I told him what your situation was. I told him about your depression.?

    A desperate look crossed the tired face. ?Master, you promised me. I don?t want anyone to know. Why did you do that??

    ?Before you get angry with me, hear me out. We started talking, Qui-Gon and I, and one thing led to another. The Force was leading me to tell him. And I needed to tell?someone. I need a friendly ear to listen to my pains. Taj, I know how difficult this is for you. And it pains me to no end to see you suffer and knowing that anything I do won?t help things. I can?t sit here and watch you go through this and not be affected. You are my apprentice. The closest thing I will ever have to a son. When you hurt, I hurt. And I need to talk these things out. I trust Qui-Gon more than I do myself. He would never betray my confidence.?

    Taj dropped his head. A tear escaped. He?d never given thought to how much his master hurt. Always so consumed with the darkness that was overwhelming him, he?d forgotten about Master Jerra. He had become an inconvenience to his own master. The man who had always taken such care of him when he most needed it. ?I?m sorry, Master. I don?t mean to be a burden to you.?

    ?Padawan, no. You are not in any way a burden to me. Why would you think that??

    ?You are forced to completely change your life around for me when I get like this.?

    ?That doesn?t mean that you are burden. You will never be that to me, Taj. Never. All I want is to be there for you if you need me. If you have to push me away for a time, that?s okay. I know you need that time away from everything. But at the same time, I can?t hold my own emotions in. That is ultimately why I told Qui-Gon this evening. He?s a good friend, Taj. I need him as I need you.?

    ?What about Obi-Wan? He?ll know.?

    ?Obi-Wan is the reason that Qui-Gon came to speak with me to begin with. He was worried that he?d done something to upset you since you haven?t returned any of his calls. You know, Obi-Wan. He would never betray information that has been trusted to him as secret. But knowing, it will allow him to learn to understand. It will show him that you need space to recover from your depression. And you?ll know how good of a friend you have in him, when he accepts you for what you are. Faults and all. Maybe you?ll be able to talk to him eventually about some of what you suffer through.? He put a hand on Taj?s knee. ?I only want what is best for you, Padawan. I don?t wish to cause you anymore pain.?

    The boy nodded and wiped at the tears that had begun to fall so easily. ?Master, I don?t like feeling this way. I can?t deal with this anymore. I wish you could make it stop. I wish?? He broke down before he could complete his thought.

    Immediately, Jerra was at his side and folding him into a strong embrace. ?I wish I could make it stop too. More than anything in the galaxy I wish that. But the Force has given us this challenge. It?s up to us what to do with it. I know this is hard. I know. But, I?m here, Taj. Whenever you need me to be.?

    Auburn hair buried in the masters tunic, Taj cried for a long time. The pent up emotions of the past week driving him to finally give in completely. He held to his master as if he was a lifeboat. And to Taj, who during this ti
  21. Ginger_Jedi Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 4, 2001
    star 6
    :( Poor Taj.

    Touching post OTK :)
  22. Padawan_Jess_Kenobi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 20, 2002
    star 4
    :( Poor kid. I love the relationship between Taj and his Master. It reminds me so much of the relationship between Qui and Obi. Very very touching post. Brought wetness to my eye. You are doing a wonderful job with this story. :)
  23. Obi the Kid Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 13, 2000
    star 4
    Ginger and Jess! Thank you for sticking with me thru this one. Much appreciated.

    Obi
  24. Renton Kenobi Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 24, 2000
    star 4
    God I've been there, but unfortunatley it wasn't Obi's role, I was in Taj's situation. It's so hard to deal with it sometimes.

    This is absolutley brilliant Obi, as usual.
  25. Obi the Kid Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 13, 2000
    star 4
    THank you Renton. Seems alot of people are identifying with this story in some way or another. Glad it's able to touch people. Here's the next post for you guys.

    ======================


    Obi-Wan was eagerly awaiting Qui-Gon?s return from speaking with Master Jerra. It took great restraint to keep from bombarding his master with questions as soon as he walked through the door. Instead he followed the man with his eyes as he made his way into the apartment and then to the kitchen before answering to Obi-Wan?s silent anticipation.

    ?I did speak to Jerra. And I know you want to know what?s going on. But you have to give me your word as a Jedi that you will not say anything about this to anyone. Not to your friends. No one. This is to be kept in confidence.?

    The boy flinched slightly. It had to be something bad if he was being asked to keep it a secret. But he could tell by Qui-Gon?s tone of voice and by the deepness of his eyes that this was a serious situation. ?I understand, Master. Whatever you tell me will stay between you and I.?

    ?Jerra and I had a long conversation about what is going on with Taj. First of all, you need to know that he?s not angry with you in any way. Okay? There is nothing you did or said that had caused him to withdrawal from you.?

    ?Then why is he doing it??

    ?Taj suffers from depression. It?s something he?s dealt with on a very serious level for a couple years now.?

    ?Depression?but he never seems sad when I?m with him.?

    ?It doesn?t affect him all the time. Most of the time he?s just like you know him to be. Happy and energetic. Other times, this illness causes him to become the complete opposite.? Qui-Gon went on to explain the chemical imbalance and the symptoms that set in for Taj when the depression becomes to intense.

    ?So that?s why he won?t answer my messages. Why he won?t talk to me right now. He just needs time away from everything to deal with this.? Obi-Wan hung his head. ?I should have sensed something was wrong. I should have known not to send all those messages to him. I probably only added to his stress. He felt like I was pushing him before he was ready. I didn?t know, Master. I?m sorry.?

    Qui-Gon came to sit next to his apprentice on the couch. ?It?s all right, Obi-Wan. You didn?t understand the situation. You two spend so much time together and then all of the sudden he disappears and stops talking to you. It leaves you in a difficult situation of not knowing what happened and not knowing what to do. Now things are a bit clearer. Not easier, but clearer. You know what can affect him. And you have to learn how to respect his illness. He needs you to understand that there is little he can do to prevent the depression. As tough as it is for you to feel as if your friend is ignoring you, and I can see how much that hurts, at the same time you have to see things from his point of view. Things are dark for him. And until the light can began to filter back in, he needs your understanding. That is the most important aspect of your friendship right now.?

    A heavy sigh escaped from Obi-Wan?s slouched form. ?I don?t want to add to his burden, Master. But the longer this goes on, the more I wonder about our friendship. And I wonder if things ever been as they were before between us. I miss him.?

    ?I know you do,? Qui-Gon replied as he placed a hand on the padawan?s knee. ?It?s not easy for any of those involved. But Jerra tells me that Taj will work himself out of this eventually. This is not the first time this has hit him, and it won?t be the last.? Qui-Gon then tried to turn things to an area that might assist Obi-Wan in handling this. ?There are a couple things you might do to help yourself through this. Do research on depression. Find out more about what the symptoms are. Research information on others who have friends with depression. What do they do? How do they help? Depression affects millions of people, Obi-Wan. Jedi are no exception. There are others out there who have walked in your sho
Moderators: Briannakin, mavjade
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.