Saga Fire at Dawn (working title)- AU PT script.. UPDATE 5/20- we are not dead!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Commander-DWH, Apr 23, 2004.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Moderators: Briannakin, mavjade
  1. Commander-DWH Shiny Costuming & Props Manager

    Member Since:
    Nov 3, 2003
    star 4
    Used to have this in the "Before the Saga" forum, but a quick whack over the head made me realize it was better off here. *sighs* I'll find my way around this multitude of boards eventually....

    In any case, here's the story. Over Winter Term, two of my friends and I decided to rewrite the Star Wars prequels, because we just don't really like them all that much. So we sat down, and over the course of a few days, came up with a full outline for all three movies, including an "Extended plot line" for the third film.

    We kept many characters, but we redid a few personalitites, such as Anakin's, to better fit the description given in the OT, reworked some relationships, and basically did away with Naboo and pretty much every plot in the prequels thus far.

    A few character ages have been changed as well. To reduce the creepy factor, Anakin Skywalker is 18 and Padme Amidala is 17.

    Padme is also an orphan, since we did away with Naboo. Her parents were killed in a landspeeder accident when she was 10, and since her parents were friends of the Organa family, the Organas adopted her. Bail Organa is her foster brother, and he is 13 years her senior.

    What you'll see here is our script. It's far from being done, we meet every Tuesday night to work on it. But it's still in a very rough form, and feedback would be most appreciated.

    Star Wars: Episode I
    as yet untitled
    By DWH, ebezalith, and Dragoncandle


    There has been a mysterious accident in the Republic Security Training Facility located in the city of Corliath on the remote planet Dantooine. Due to the devastation caused by the accident, Chancellor Palpatine, head of the Senate of the Republic has journeyed to Dantooine with Jedi Master Sifo-Dyas as his protection to determine the extent of the damage.




    SCENE 1

    [The screen explodes violently- pan out, a city is burning ferociously on the planet?s surface, spewing ash everywhere.]


    SCENE II

    [Pan in on a night scene, where robes and effects are being burned. Present are CHANCELLOR PALPATINE, MACE WINDU and YODA, as well as the Jedi Council and many senators. PALPATINE approaches YODA and MACE WINDU and bows.]


    PALPATINE

    Master Yoda, Master Windu. I cannot express how sorry I am that this accident cost you one of your Jedi.


    YODA

    Accident? Accident, you say?


    WINDU

    Master Yoda suspects- and I agree with him- that the first attack was simply to lure you to Dantooine, and the second was designed specifically to kill you.


    PALPATINE

    Attack? Masters I greatly appreciate your concern for me, but there are many would-be assassins of any chancellor. I see no reason to believe that the first explosion was anything but negligence and the second could easily have been some stray mercenary.


    WINDU

    You said Sifo-Dyas gave you no warning, that he did not feel the danger.


    PALPATINE

    No. If he felt anything, he certainly did not speak of it to me.


    WINDU

    Then believe me when I say he felt nothing. A Jedi of Sifo-Dyas? training would have sensed a mercenary or bounty hunter and told you immediately. Another power is at work here.


    YODA

    Unforseeable this malice was, and plotted carefully. You must tread with care, Chancellor.


    WINDU

    The Jedi Council has agreed that you should be extended our constant protection- and we would prefer it if you would accept a guard of Jedi at all times.


    PALPATINE

    My own guard will stand well enough on Coruscant Master Windu. When I leave, howeverÉI think I shall be quite glad of your offer.



    PALPATINE bows very slightly in his leave taking as the Senator of Improcco approaches. WINDU and YODA watch the body turning to ash under the fire.


    WINDU

    He is an impatient man when it comes to his own security. But we can hardly force him to accept our offer if he is determined to resist.


    YODA

    But track him we can. And should.

    WINDU

    He will need the Jedi if he has indeed been marked by a dark power-


    YODA

    Feel it also, do you? No stray mercenary this. No hired hunter. The mark o
  2. Gina Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 3, 2003
    star 4
  3. Jedi_Jessie_Anne Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 4, 2004
    star 3
    I agree w/ Gina. Veeery interesting...
  4. _JM_ Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 26, 2001
    star 4
    This could get very AU and very interesting. The characters seem the same in personality but circumstance and the galactic situation is so different.
  5. Commander-DWH Shiny Costuming & Props Manager

    Member Since:
    Nov 3, 2003
    star 4
    Gina and Jedi_Jessie_Anne: Glad you think so! Just wait 'til we really get the ball rolling...

    _JM_: Yeah, everything you know about the prequels, except for the characters, can pretty much be thrown out the airlock. As the story progresses, you'll be able to see some personality differences in the characters, but that's mainly in characters that, to us, had personalities other than what we thought they ought to have. Like you'll notice that Anakin is no longer a whiny prat. Arrogant and cocky, yes. Whiny, no. Oh yeah, and there's a new character to be introduced in Episode II, maybe in the end of this one. We'll see.

    Thanks for the feedback, though. It's always good to know people are interested in what you're writing.
  6. VadersMistress Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 7, 2004
    star 6
    Very interesting.... good job!
  7. 1Yodimus_Prime Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 13, 2004
    star 4
    When i read your description of what this was, i already knew it was gonna be awesome. While the PT isn't "Battlefield Earth" bad, it's still bad, and any attempt to fix 'em is cool with me. It's also good to hear of fans actually meeting in person to collaborate on stuff like this. Far more can get communicated that way.

    Being an animation student, i'm somewhat familiar with scripts. So speaking for the technical, it would be a good idea to note whether a scene is EXT (exterior) or INT (interior), as well as the time of day, in the scene line. But that and other little bits are just movie-script rules that don't have much to do with the actual quality of the piece.

    You've got some neato elements in here. I like the idea of introducing Obi-Wan as a sleuth early on. It really suits him.
    There is a specific scene description i'm curious about:

    "PALPATINE bows very slightly in his leave taking as the Senator of Improcco approaches. WINDU and YODA watch the body turning to ash under the fire."

    Who turns to ash? You might want to consider rewording this one, to make it more clear. Also, since you're using a planet nobody's actually seen on screne before, it would be a good idea to give a short visual description of it in SCENE 1, before you go into the action.

    As for the story, while the beginning felt a bit rough and doesn't have as strong a sense of linear real-time that i expect for a starwars film, i like where you're taking it. I especially like it opening on the surface of a planet. That's cool. Lucas for some reason pigeon-holed himself into opening every movie in space. "Jedi" should have opened on-planet too.

    I'm curious as to why you opted to have Palpatine already be a chancellor at the beginning? Does that mean you'll be completely throwing out the senate-type scenes? I never thought having Palpatine start as a senator was bad, but those scenes in particular really bogged down the movies.


    Anyway, keep 'er postin!
  8. Commander-DWH Shiny Costuming & Props Manager

    Member Since:
    Nov 3, 2003
    star 4
    VadersMistress: Thanks!

    1Yodimus_Prime: Thanks for all the suggestions, necessary clarifications like that are what we are really looking for in these. Given that we have more experience with theatre scripts than film scripts, you'll probably notice that difference.

    The line about the burning body: there are three copies of the script in three different dorms on this campus. It was fixed in one of them. It's not a body that's burning, it's the robes and effects of Master Syfo-Dyas, whose funeral it is, so it makes sense that they're watching them burn.

    The decision to make him Chancellor right away: Well, it makes perfect sense if you know the whole story. As in, the story all the way to the end of Episode III. Which I'm not telling, because that would ruin the surprise. Don't worry, we'll get there before we graduate in three years.

    Personal side note that has nothing to do with Star Wars: that rocks that you're an animation student. That's actually my intended major. Well, technically it's computer science. I'm starting in on using Maya next year (probably as a Winter Term project), then I'll eventually take the graphics course and learn the spiffy algorithms for animation. It's almost an independent major, but it's not really. Yay for flexible major structures. But I'm only a first-year, so I haven't had to deal much with scripts as of yet. Just data structures. :p

    Well, I'll try to remember to post tomorrow. We've got a halfway-decent portion done, and we meet Tuesdays to write. Who knows what'll happen once the summer starts and we're in three different states, but we'll figure it out then.

    Exeunt DWH
  9. Commander-DWH Shiny Costuming & Props Manager

    Member Since:
    Nov 3, 2003
    star 4
    Okay, here are scenes IV and V. Thanks once again, all, for your feedback, and we hope you enjoy this part as well.

    ================================

    SCENE IV

    [OBI-WAN and ANAKIN get into a small ship with Jedi Council markings.]


    OBI-WAN

    Did you send out our transponder code?


    ANAKIN

    No faith in me at all, Master.


    OBI-WAN

    [As ANAKIN slides into the driver?s seat] And who said you got to drive?


    ANAKIN

    [Sarcastic] Sorry. I forgot how much you love flying through Coruscant, avoiding the speeders and buildings, dodging around the traffic-control freighters in orbit-


    OBI-WAN

    Anakin! Just power up the ship. [ANAKIN does so] Did you remember to get two Droids?


    ANAKIN

    [Sighs] We have two astromech droids. An A2-M3 and an... an- I don?t remember. But we have two.


    OBI-WAN

    Alright. Just so long as we don?t only have one like that disaster on Callus III-


    ANAKIN

    [Groaning in embarrassment] You had to drag that up again. I was fourteen when I did that. I haven?t forgotten them since then.


    OBI-WAN

    I know, Anakin. Your attention to detail has improved remarkably.


    ANAKIN

    Yeah, yeah. [Takes off gently] Restraints on, Master?


    OBI-WAN

    What? Why? [As ANAKIN starts to fly out rapidly] Anakin, none of your-! [The ship flies straight up, narrowly missing several accidents. They end up safely in orbit after blasting out of the atmosphere]- usual stunts.



    [ANAKIN plots their course for Alderaan, and they jump into hyper-space.]


    SCENE V

    [Entering ORGANA?s great hall on Alderaan. He is attended by his wife: KARALINA, his foster-sister AMIDALA, the CAPTAIN OF SECURITY and his cabinet (five members large)]


    OBI-WAN

    [Pausing just outside the doors] Anakin- you?d best let me do the talking. The Viceroy will not be pleased- men like Organa like to believe they have complete control over their systems.


    ANAKIN

    But I thought that Alderaan was entirely peaceful.



    OBI-WAN

    The majority are, Bail Organa included. But obviously someone slipped past them. He knows we?re coming, this should not be a surprise for him, but still- it would be best if you remain silent. [They enter the hall]


    ORGANA

    [Rising from his seat of state as the Jedi approach] Master Jedi, you do me honor. But I must confess I am surprised as to the necessity of this visit.

    OBI-WAN

    [Bowing with ANAKIN] I hope that it will be but a small matter for your consideration, Viceroy. I am Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, and this is my Padawan learner, Anakin Skywalker. [ORGANA nods politely to both]


    ORGANA

    I am Bail Organa, Viceroy of Alderaan. These [sweeping hand indicates all behind him] are my family and advisors.


    OBI-WAN

    [Bows to them, as does ANAKIN] I trust you have had news of the disaster on Dantooine?


    ORGANA

    Naturally. And the Jedi know that they can always turn to us for assistance. What is it you, or the Republic, can require in this case? We keep exhaustive records and have plenty of men, supplies- is an investigation being mounted?


    OBI-WAN

    Thank you for your generosity, Viceroy. I will not presume to ask so much. I actually have but one question for you. [OBI-WAN produces the rose stem]


    AMIDALA

    [Interrupting as she spies the rose] Where did you get that?


    OBI-WAN

    [Glancing at her, amused and serious] Well, that answers it.


    ORGANA

    Padme. [She withdraws] I apologize for my sister, Master Obi-Wan. What was your question, sir?


    OBI-WAN

    I was going to ask if you knew what this was and where it comes from. It is clear that you- or at least your sister- knows what it is.


    ORGANA

    [Stiffly] Forgive me, Sir Jedi, but where did you come by that?


    OBI-WAN

    In the ashes of the room of Master Syfo-Dyas on Dantooine, Viceroy.


    AMIDALA

    How is that possible, Bail?


    OBI-WAN

    I was hoping that perhaps you could tell me. The records say that regulation of your Flame Rose is strictly monitored.


    ORGANA

    And so it is. No flower could have left the planet without our knowledge of i
  10. Obi-Wan21 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 27, 2002
    star 4
    Great update! It continues to be awesome work! I love how you're playing it out so far! I'm curious though if Palpatine had a hand in Sifo-Dyas' murder?
  11. Gina Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 3, 2003
    star 4
    The mystery surrounding the rose deepens! Great update!
  12. Commander-DWH Shiny Costuming & Props Manager

    Member Since:
    Nov 3, 2003
    star 4
    Obi-Wan21: Now, I can hardly be expected to tell you a thing like that. This is, after all, a mystery. ;) You'll find out eventually who killed Syfo-Dyas, though I won't guarantee it will be in this film.

    Gina: Thanks again, I'm glad you're enjoying it.

    And to all of you reading this, thanks much to you, too.
  13. Commander-DWH Shiny Costuming & Props Manager

    Member Since:
    Nov 3, 2003
    star 4
    Okay, we've sunk to the fourth page, but never fear! We have more script for your reading pleasure.

    ========================================

    SCENE VI
    A night scene on a small planet covered with high grasses and fields of growing foods. TIE fighters sweep in low over the scene, shooting and bombing the fields, setting them alight and destroying houses. There are screams, people running. The usual mayhem of a terror blitz.



    SCENE VII
    [YODA and MACE WINDU stand in the Temple meditation room.]



    YODA
    Unexpected this new attack is.



    WINDU
    And illogical. Agamar is remote- a community of farmers. It has no military importance as Dantooine did.



    YODA
    Striking terror... effective if indeed this was done by the same beings that attacked Dantooine.



    WINDU
    Perhaps we should reconsider what we thought of the attack that killed Syfo-Dyas. It is possible that it was not a plot against him specifically, but that he simply happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. After all, there were no Jedi on Agamar. These attacks have something else lying behind them. But what?



    YODA
    And why?



    WINDU
    Is Qui-Gon back yet?



    YODA
    Not yet, a few days more perhaps- [The doors part and QUI-GON JINN enters the room. He bows to them both]



    QUI-GON
    I have just arrived from Agamar, Masters. This was the only thing left at the center of the blast. [Opens his palm, wherein lies a blackened rose stem]



    SCENE VIII
    [ANAKIN, OBI-WAN and AMIDALA are seated across from TOBIAS FARSIK in a comfortable office situated overlooking a river. FARSIK is a pleasantly rotund man with an easy smile and friendly manner.]



    FARSIK
    Now may I enquire to what I owe the honor of your visit, Master Jedi?



    OBI-WAN
    [Places the rose stem on the desk] Can you tell me about this?



    FARSIK
    [Manner changing rapidly, examining it with a shrewd expression] Well, yes. That?s actually the reason that Alderaan Biotics exists. We regulate those little ones very closely. [Staring directly at OBI-WAN, pleasant smile back in place] Might I ask now how you came to possess it? I have no records of selling to the Jedi.



    OBI-WAN
    I picked it out of the wreckage of Dantooine?s security training facility. It apparently set off the bomb that destroyed the site and killed a Jedi.



    FARSIK
    I beg your pardon?



    ANAKIN
    You have heard of the disaster on Dantooine, haven?t you?



    OBI-WAN
    Anakin-!



    FARSIK
    Well I- I mean- of course... terrible tragedy! [Pulling himself up impressively] All of our clients are carefully screened before they are allowed to purchase this kind of rose, I can assure you. Are you implying-



    ANAKIN
    That there could be something wrong-



    OBI-WAN
    Anakin. Excuse my apprentice, Mister Farsik. We?re not implying anything-



    AMIDALA
    Mister Farsik, my brother sent us here because we simply have some questions that we want answered. Alderaan Biotics is well known for being very thorough and extremely safe and knowledgeable. The Jedi just need to clear up a few details and your expertise would be very helpful.



    FARSIK
    [Still bristling] Questions? Like what?



    OBI-WAN
    Just some matters I?m sure you can clarify, Mister Farsik. First of all: can this rose be grown anywhere else?



    FARSIK
    Well, yes- it actually can. Its evolution is unique to Alderaan, however, we were able to plant a small colony on Borleias in the Pyria System almost a century ago.



    AMIDALA
    Is it still there?



    FARSIK
    No, Miss Amidala. The site has been abandoned for more than a decade, before my promotion. It failed due to expenses.



    OBI-WAN
    And what of the flowers? Were they all removed?



    FARSIK
    Of course. Nothing was left behind. Given the value and the danger of these flowers, it is impossible that any would have been allowed to remain.



    OBI-WAN
    Are you absolutely sure? Excuse my prying, but if even one seed were missed-



    FARSIK
    [Becoming indignant again] Master Jedi. There
  14. 1Yodimus_Prime Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 13, 2004
    star 4
    Thanks for the clarification. Having that many versions can indeed get messy, but it seems like you all got a good process going. Great dialogue in the last two updates, by the way.

    response to unrelated comment Into animation too?? Awesome! Computer science will help tons with the technical aspect, but, and this is from experience, take every drawing class that comes by. In fact, if your college offers any kind of 2d animation class of some kind, take that too. It may not seem important when you won't be actually drawing or even animating in the tradtional sense, but believe me, it makes a world of difference. Learning the basic concepts through 2d, forces you to time everything out by hand, which is infinitely helpful. You cannot truly get good timing out of Maya's animation curves. ease-in's, anticipations, walk cycles; i've found that all these aspects have greatly improved my character performances after doing them in traditional animation.

    Drawing in general is just really important. Having a picture in your head is nothing compared to having a picture on paper. You can't imagine how much easier it makes the process.

    So, there's a cent or two about that.
  15. Obi-Wan21 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 27, 2002
    star 4
    YAY! Another great chapter! So we will find out who murdered Sifo-Dyas? Curious. Looking forward to seeing how this plays out. And the rose idea is very original and interesting. :D
  16. Gina Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 3, 2003
    star 4
    Great update. I wonder if Farsik is really telling them everything he knows.


  17. Commander-DWH Shiny Costuming & Props Manager

    Member Since:
    Nov 3, 2003
    star 4
    Woo, we're not dead, we're just coming out of finals!! Yay, college.

    Well, here is the next part for your reading enjoyment.

    =================================

    SCENE IX
    OBI-WAN, ANAKIN, and AMIDALA going to a landspeeder from FARSIK?s


    ANAKIN
    Master, what are we going to do? [Obi-Wan looks at him questioningly.] Obviously something slipped by the Viceroy?s security.



    AMIDALA
    Nothing can get by the security.

    OBI-WAN
    No security system is unbreakable, your highness.

    ANAKIN
    [Both men are moving ahead of AMIDALA] So what are we going to tell the Viceroy?

    OBI-WAN
    Nothing. We?re going to Borelias.

    ANAKIN
    Why, do you think? oh. [stops himself.]

    AMIDALA
    What? [No response] Master Kenobi? [Again no response.] Master Kenobi, I assure you my brother?s security systems have never failed us. Your flame rose cannot be from Alderaan.

    OBI-WAN
    Precisely.

    AMIDALA
    So you?re going to Borelias? [ANAKIN is shocked that she actually can think.]

    OBI-WAN
    Yes your highness.

    AMIDALA
    But Mr. Farsik told you that there was nothing there.

    OBI-WAN
    There is often a difference between what one believes and what one knows. Especially in bureaucrats


    SCENE X
    (YODA and WINDU are in the meditation room, receiving a transmission from Obi-Wan)


    OBI-WAN
    ... I think we ought to proceed to Borleias. Their system regulating buying and selling seems quite thorough and complete from Alderran- it?s hard to imagine anyone managing to acquire it illegally from here.


    YODA
    Investigate this planet Borleias, you must. I trust you are in no need of extra assistance?


    OBI-WAN
    No. Anakin and I will able to handle this. And I suspect the Viceroy will send his own men with us.


    WINDU
    Tread with caution. If you find nothing on Borleias, you will have much to explain to Viceroy Organa.


    OBI-WAN
    Yes. But my instincts tell me that I will not have to submit such an explanation.


    WINDU
    May the Force be with you.


    OBI-WAN
    And also with you.


    SCENE XI
    In the viceroy?s throne room

    ORGANA
    Will one regiment of our guard be sufficient, Master Jedi?

    OBI-WAN
    With all due respect, we could go without them, Viceroy Organa

    ORGANA
    With all due respect, Master Jedi, this is Alderaanian business and I must insist on their presence in what could potentially be a? hazardous situation.

    OBI-WAN
    Then we will be grateful for the assistance of the regiment, Viceroy.

    ANAKIN
    Master, are you sure we-

    OBI-WAN
    Viceroy, time is very short. If we could leave immediately, that would be best.

    ORGANA
    Of course. The regiment can be ready within the hour to depart.

    ANAKIN

    ANAKIN and OBI-WAN bow and turn, ready to depart. AMIDALA comes to ORGANA.

    AMIDALA
    Bail, let me go.

    ORGANA
    Padme, why? There is no reason for you to want to go.

    AMIDALA
    These Jedi may be your friends but their first obligation is to the Republic and their council, not to us or Alderaan. This mission could uncover information that is dangerous to Alderaan. I will report directly to you.

    ORGANA
    These Jedi, Padme, are not my friends. They are however servants of the Republic and as servants of the Republic they will serve us the best they can.

    AMIDALA
    But Bail, you said yourself recently that the Jedi serve their own ends and that their motives are hidden and no one knows what those ends are. Are we to trust the possible political future of our planet on the whims of two men who have no investment in Alderaan?

    ORGANA
    Padme, you listen to all the wrong things I say. It is true that the Jedi serve ends that we do not understand but that does not mean that they will ill serve us or the galaxy simply that their decisions must consider the fate of thousands of worlds not just one. In the end little sister, there is potentially more at stake then Alderaan?s political future.

    AMIDALA
    But our focus should be on Alderaan and for that you want me on board.

    ORGANA
    Padme, you don?t know what I want. The captain is more than capable of handling it without you. He will report
  18. Gina Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 3, 2003
    star 4
    I knew a little thing like being forbidden to go wouldn't stop Padme. :p

    Great job!

  19. VadersMistress Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 7, 2004
    star 6
    "Forbidden" stop Padme??? NEVER! Ha ha ha. Really great work!
  20. 1Yodimus_Prime Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 13, 2004
    star 4
    Hmm, no update yet.
    I'd be mildly concerned if it didn't take me just as long to update my own story.

    Don't mind me, just reminding the world that this still exists, even if in a limbo-like state. :D
Moderators: Briannakin, mavjade
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.