First Fanfic, would appreciate opinions.

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction and Writing Resource' started by HudsonFalcon, Sep 5, 2001.

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  1. HudsonFalcon Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Sep 5, 2001
    Hey I just finished writing my first fanfic story, so I decided this would be a good place to post. I would appreciate comments and constructive criticism. This story deals with the origin of Shmi Skywalker.

    P.S. I also know my grammar skills are not top notch.
    =============================================
    Betrayal of The Master

    (35 years before The Phantom Menace)

    In the Jedi training facilities a friendly sparring match is taking place between a Jedi Knight and his Padawan.

    The Jedi Knight is Linskey he is about 5'11 reddish/brown hair and brown
    eyes. Also has a moustache connected to a goatee is of an average weight. Walks with a slight limp due to a battle with traitor Jedi Wright-Bast. He bested Wright-Bast
    but Bast put up a hell of a fight.

    His Padawan learner is Nuvkevio. A slightly large Padawan from Dantooine.
    6'1 dark brown hair and eyes. Clean shaven. As the sparring goes Nuvkevio gets slightly angry and starts lashing out at Linskey.
    Linskey remains calm and with a slight wave of his hand Nuvkevio loses his balance and falls to the padded floor.

    "Learn to control your anger Nuvkevio, the path to the darkside lies in your anger" Nuvkevio starts apologetically "I'm sorry master, I will make bolder attempts to keep my anger in check" Linskey offers a hand to help him up.
    "Why doesn't a master take his padawan for some Toydarian stout?"

    The 2 retreat to Monahan's a bar not far from the Jedi Temple.

    A very attractive waitress comes to the table. "Greetings Jedi Warriors, what can I get you?"
    Linskey happily says "2 Toydarian stouts". "I'll be back with your drinks in a second".
    Nuvkevio gives her a look as she walks to the back "I think there's something else I'd like from her"
    Linskey says seriously "Nuvkevio you must control your emotions. I understand the want for intimacy is strong but you have chosen to serve a greater purpose, please do not jeopardize yourself especially when you are so close to the trials"

    The waitress returns with 2 Toydarian stouts. There you go, that'll be 2 Republic credits. "Here's 3 thank you for the great service" says Linskey handing her the credits.

    Linskey is only partially through his stout when he is overcome with a feeling. He puts down his stout and says to Nukevio "Padawan I must leave Master Yoda has summoned me".

    The waitress comes back. "Was that your master that just left?" asks the waitress. "Yes it was he was summoned
    by our Master Yoda". The waitress says "I've always wanted to get to know a jedi, I know you guys are known as the Guardians
    of Peace but I don't know much of what you do"
    Nuvkevio says "Well we cannot tell much of what we do the code forbids it, alot of our work is in secrecy"

    Nuvkevio finds the waitress beautiful and is very attracted to her. Although it is not allowed for Padawans to have
    relationships he lets her know with his telepathic powers that he likes her very much and is interested.
    After he finishes his stout he heads towards the door.
    "Hey Jedi" he hears. Its the waitress walking towards him he looks at her with a smile and asks "Yes?"
    she says "I just have to know, what is your name?" he says "I am Nuvkevio and you are?" she replies "Riliska, Riliska Skywalker."
    Nukevio replies "Very pleased to make your acquiantance"

    Meanwhile at the Jedi Council...
    Linskey walks in. The entire council is present with Yoda at the head of council and Yumillo a twil'ek
    who preceeded Mace Windu and serves as Yoda's main advisor.

    Yoda speaks "Linskey always depend on you we can" "Of course Master Yoda" replies Linskey bowing his head in respect.
    "Know why we have summoned you, yes?" asks Yoda "Actually I'm a little puzzled I was relaxing with my Padawan Nuvkevio
    next thing I know you request my presence" says Linskey.

    Yoda looks towards Yumillo. Yumillo speaks "We have summoned you in regards to your Padawan's trials." Linksey gets a look of
    joy and asks "You mean its time??!!"
    Yumillo stops him "No I'm afraid not it will never be time."
    "What are you saying?" asks Linskey cautiou
  2. Skar Kjoil Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jan 16, 2000
    star 2
    I'll have a go at it!

    -------------------------
    Betrayal of The Master

    (35 years before The Phantom Menace)

    In the Jedi training facilities a friendly sparring match is taking place between a Jedi Knight and his Padawan.

    Don't separate these two parts, they belong together.

    The Jedi Knight is Linskey he is about 5'11 reddish/brown hair and brown
    eyes. Also has a moustache connected to a goatee is of an average weight. Walks with a slight limp due to a battle with traitor Jedi Wright-Bast. He bested Wright-Bast
    but Bast put up a hell of a fight.

    Your story is written in the present which makes it more of a script than a story, I suggest you make it past tense or change the view to a first person POW. And even if you change it to first person, you're gonna have to make your description of the characthers flow more easily. Instead of writing "5'11", write that he is of average height. "Reddish/brown hair" could be "He had red hair with shades of brown." Don't do the other thing! your description of his fight with Wright-Bast needs some more colorful explanation too. If you decide to change his height matter into the average thing, then put a comma in front of it.

    His Padawan learner is Nuvkevio. A slightly large Padawan from Dantooine.
    6'1 dark brown hair and eyes. Clean shaven.

    "6'1 dark brown hair and eyes." That's a lot of hair and some fairly big eyes! Put a comma in there somewhere.

    As the sparring goes Nuvkevio gets slightly angry and starts lashing out at Linskey.
    Linskey remains calm and with a slight wave of his hand Nuvkevio loses his balance and falls to the padded floor.

    "Learn to control your anger Nuvkevio, the path to the darkside lies in your anger"

    comma before Nuvkenvio.

    Nuvkevio starts apologetically "I'm sorry master, I will make bolder attempts to keep my anger in check" Linskey offers a hand to help him up.

    The segment after Nuvkevio's speech should be separated.

    "Why doesn't a master take his padawan for some Toydarian stout?"

    The 2 retreat to Monahan's a bar not far from the Jedi Temple.

    Write "two" instead of just "2"

    A very attractive waitress comes to the table. "Greetings Jedi Warriors, what can I get you?"
    Linskey happily says "2 Toydarian stouts". "I'll be back with your drinks in a second".
    Nuvkevio gives her a look as she walks to the back "I think there's something else I'd like from her"

    names in sentences are generally followed by commas. I know talk is cheap but this conversation really needs to say more. Its two forward. Too boring is another way to put it.


    Linskey says seriously "Nuvkevio you must control your emotions. I understand the want for intimacy is strong but you have chosen to serve a greater purpose, please do not jeopardize yourself especially when you are so close to the trials"

    The waitress returns with 2 Toydarian stouts. There you go, that'll be 2 Republic credits. "Here's 3 thank you for the great service" says Linskey handing her the credits.

    Put a " before "there." he's talking so you should indicate that.

    Linskey is only partially through his stout when he is overcome with a feeling. He puts down his stout and says to Nukevio "Padawan I must leave Master Yoda has summoned me".

    I think you forgot something after Nukevio, and wasn't his name Nuvkevio, btw?

    The waitress comes back. "Was that your master that just left?" asks the waitress. "Yes it was he was summoned
    by our Master Yoda".

    You need a comma after "yes" and after "was."

    The waitress says "I've always wanted to get to know a jedi, I know you guys are known as the Guardians
    of Peace but I don't know much of what you do"
    Nuvkevio says "Well we cannot tell much of what we do the code forbids it, alot of our work is in secrecy"

    Nuvkevio finds the waitress beautiful and is very attracted to her. Although it is not allowed for Padawans to have
    relationships he lets her know with his telepathic powers that he likes her ve
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