Before - Legends For the Record - Obi-Wan has his say, vignette, humor

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by VaderLVR64, Apr 26, 2005.

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  1. VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2004
    star 8
    Title: For the Record
    Author: VaderLVR64
    Timeframe: ??
    Genre: vignette, humor
    Summary: Obi-Wan wants to set the record straight.
    Notes: Inspired by a random comment from Drabbo Fett about ?these women must be stopped!?




    For the Record



    I?m not ?adorable.?

    I hate that description. It makes me sound like a kitling, or even worse, a crecheling. I have been blessed with the normal number of eyes, appendages, a nose, and a mouth ? all of which are in the appropriate places.

    My eyes are not jewels. I would also like to clarify that they are not ?stormy seas upon which passion rages.? They?re eyes, plain and simple. I use them to see. They are not instruments of seduction, nor can they lure a staid, solemn Jedi into forgetting his duty to the Order. They don?t even work particularly well at distinguishing some colors. There ? the ugly truth is out.

    My hair is brown. It is not cinnamon, nor does it have ?streaks of autumnal glory? in it. I do not care to think of it as russet, which rather makes me sound as if I?ve been left out in the rain too long. Where do you people come up with this stuff?

    My braid is not a leash. It is an outward symbol of an inward devotion I have toward the Jedi and all of its codes and tenets. It is not there merely for your viewing pleasure, and I certainly don?t want it to be a part of any sick fantasies you might conjure up featuring my poor bit of plaited hair.

    I?m not ?hot.?

    As far as I know, my body temperature seems to run just about normal for a human male in good health. Although I have been known to run a fever on occasion, it is always due to some bacteria that has attacked my system and not an excess of emotion centering on one or more person or persons who shall remain nameless.

    I understand that my grin has been known to garner a few feminine sighs. I fail to understand how or why this happens and can therefore do nothing to remedy the situation. I smile because I am happy. Don?t you?

    I do not resent my Master.

    In fact, my feelings for him are quite the opposite. And no, don?t go in that direction, either! Stars above, will you people please elevate your minds! I respect and admire Qui-Gon Jinn and I am thankful to him for saving me from Agri-Corps.

    Do I think he might have been a bit timelier in said rescue? Well, yes. But I defer to his judgment in this and all other matters. I strive to be the perfect Padawan in all areas and this means following the Code. Some of what you people come up with is in clear and vivid defiance of the Code.

    To be honest, the thought of Xanatos never crosses my mind. I do not hate him, nor do I have a secret crush on him. He?s dead and it?s time everyone faces it. Not that he had a face when he died. That pretty much was eaten away by the acid he jumped into. I think that statement pretty much sums up his mental state at the time.

    Yes, I have been known to sing on occasion. I like to sing and have been told that my voice is somewhat pleasant. I fail to see how the fact that I am singing would cause females? temperatures to soar to heights that they would feel it necessary to remove clothing. Perhaps if they carried a fan?

    Yes, I find Siri attractive.

    I?m a human male with all of the normal accompanying hormones. I would think it abnormal if I didn?t have any feelings of that sort. I will not lose control and jump her in the training salle. Nor will I pine away for what we cannot have. We?re Jedi and we?ve learned to deal with a little frustration.

    We?re not animals.

    Yes, I move quite gracefully. No, I do not have a secret life as an exotic dancer. What you see is the logical result of years and years of training. Lightsaber fighting is very graceful in nature and gaining skill in that arena naturally translates into an ease of movement. No, I do not move this way merely to ?tempt? those who are more easily distracted.

    I do not work out so that I might increase your viewing pleasure. My muscles are not intended to provide you with a ?visual banquet.? They are there to help me
  2. Jedikma Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2004
    star 4
    LMAO [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    I loved it VL!

    And I do believe this may be the truest characterization of Obi-Wan written. ;)
  3. Sabe126 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 18, 2002
    star 4
    ROTFL!!!!! :) Obi-Wan strikes back! Bravo!!!
  4. Knight-Ander Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 19, 2002
    star 4
    God, I so wish I wrote that. [face_laugh]

    A thousand Bravos, VL. =D= =D= =D= =D= =D=
  5. forever_jedi Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 5, 2002
    star 5
    The wonderful Sabe directed me to this gem! Bravo! This is absolutely hilarious! ROTFL! :D

    I think there should be an appendix about the:
    1. Adorable cleft in the chin.
    2. Walk that's the most seductive in the galaxy.
    3. Hottest rear end in the Jedi order.
  6. VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2004
    star 8
    Well, we could make it a round robin! And let everyone have a go at it! :D
  7. Layren Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 28, 2003
    star 5
    LOLOLOL Kimberley that was hysterical!!!

    You should do Qui's pov next.... [face_laugh][face_laugh][face_laugh][face_laugh]

    After a really crappy day that was a wonderful thing to bolster my spirits :D
  8. Nicholi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 17, 2005
    thats preety funny.
    lol
  9. Shaindl Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jun 18, 2002
    star 4
    I shudder to think that women such as us would provoke such a heated response. :p Great job, VL, just the laugh I needed at the end of the workday. :)
  10. JadeSolo Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Sep 20, 2002
    star 6
    *****!

    My throat is still sore. Stop making me laugh like this! [face_laugh]

    I?m not ?hot.?

    I beg to differ, Jedi Kenobi. [face_batting]
  11. Phoenix_Reborn Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Feb 23, 2003
    star 4
    How does he know that he would prefer a blue eyeliner?

    Brava VL!
  12. red rose knight Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 3, 2001
    star 4
  13. Arwen-Jade_Kenobi Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 9, 2002
    star 5
  14. Lady-Kenobi Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 5, 2003
    star 3
    LMAO!

    THAT WAS BEYOND WONDERFUL!
  15. Mistress_Renata Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Sep 9, 2000
    star 4
    Nailed it! Brilliant! (especially the "going commando" bit... with all the athletic moves the Jedi make, I've always assumed that something, um, supportive was in order...)

    Very, very, VERY funny!
  16. Master_Noi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 8, 2004
    star 4
    ROTFL!!! [face_laugh]

    EAch and every word was wonderful. I needed that.
  17. obi_ew Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 14, 2002
    star 5
  18. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    Stellar in every way VaderLVR... though I wonder on those feet??? ;) :p
  19. Lord_Zeron Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 19, 2005
    star 2
    Very funny, I really enjoyed reading that. I could feel that Obi-Wan was trying his best not to get angry, and it didn't appear easy. Very creative, and again, very funny. Great work!

  20. Siri-Wan-Kenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jan 14, 2005
    star 2
    *rolls around on ground laughing* [face_laugh]
    I just found this viggie and I LOVED IT!! I was laughing from the first lines! Haha It was great!

    If this wasn't a fanfic, I would have sworn those were our Kenobi's exact words! lol!

    "I am not hot..." *snorts* THAT WHAT HE SAYS!

    Great job!
  21. VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2004
    star 8
    Jedikma I'm sure the poor guy gets tired of walking through all that drool!

    Sabe126 Even a Jedi can only take so much.

    Knight-Ander Maybe I've just spent too much time contemplating his charms???

    forever_jedi All wonderful ideas! [face_batting]

    Layren Glad it cheered you up.

    Nicholi Thanks! :D

    Shaindl Well, we are fairly blatant in our admiration of his charms! =P~

    JadeSolo I'm with you there! I think he is scorching!

    Phoenix_Reborn He preferred not to reveal that. ;)

    red_rose_knight Aw, shucks! [face_blush]

    Arwen-Jade_Kenobi Thank you so very much! [:D]

    Lady-Kenobi :) Thank you for reading.

    Mistress Renata You'd think so, wouldn't you? [face_devil]

    Master Noi It's amazing what jello inspires, isn't it?

    obi_ew I thought you'd appreciate his little venting session.

    Healer_Leona Wow, thanks! :D

    Lord_Zeron I'm sure he gets tired of all the adoration! But I mean, really, we can't help it!

    Siri-Wan-Kenobi I just pictured a very exasperated Jedi Knight trying to fend off the ladies.

    Thanks to all who read. I was sort of surprised that anyone liked it!





  22. c_owensby Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 25, 2002
    star 3
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] That was absolutely hilarious. I'm glad I found this.
  23. PadawanKitara Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 31, 2001
    star 5
  24. Gabri_Jade VIP

    VIP
    Member Since:
    Nov 9, 2002
    star 5
    Fabulous! [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] If I started quoting my favorite parts, I'd quote the whole thing. :p Wonderful job! :D
  25. Indra Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 31, 2003
    star 3
    [face_laugh] I loved it, VL. So this is what we're doing to poor Obi. :D Very funny and the perfect way to start my day. :)
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