Forget Regret, or Life is Yours to Miss- A JA fic with LOTS of Obi torture!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Jedi Erica Amidala, Apr 26, 2000.

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  1. Jedi Erica Amidala Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 16, 1999
    star 4
    I'll have it up tomorrow...I hope you guys like it, I'm putting it up because I've realized how long its been since I put up a fic.

    See you tomorrow!
  2. Herman Snerd Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 31, 1999
    star 6
  3. Kid Jedi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 2, 2000
    star 1
    Patiently waiting I am....
  4. Jedi Erica Amidala Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 16, 1999
    star 4
    I didn't get very much home work tonight so I figured that I'd post a little tonight...here goes: I hope you like it!
    I'm only 13 so please don't be too harsh!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    ?Padawan! Time to wake up!? Qui-Gon said as he entered the adjoining room to his which housed his sleeping padawan. It still amazed him how his teenage padawan could sleep through the chronometer turned up to the highest level.

    Obi-Wan mumbled something that sounded sounded suspiciously like ?5 more minutes?

    ?Well Padawan, maybe next time you won?t stay up so late watching movies on the holovid!? Qui-Gon said in a mock serious voice. In truth he was glad to see his padawan getting some rest, their last mission had been exhausting for both master and padawan.

    ?Good morning Master,? Obi-Wan said with a yawn.

    ?I?ll fix breakfast Padawan, then we need to work on your blocking,? It was a little off on our last mission.

    ?Yes Master,? Obi-Wan said remembering how he had needed Qui-Gon?s help to ward of the blaster beams.

    ?I?ll make pancakes, I bet that will get you moving!? Qui-Gon said laughing; a sure thing about his padawan was his hunger. The day that Obi-Wan didn?t feel like eating was the day that Qui-Gon would worry.

    ?Wizard master!? His padawan said as he jumped out of bed.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    The Obi torture is coming soon! I promise! I hope you like this little part, I?ll write more tomorrow.
  5. HealerLeona Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 18, 2000
    star 4
    I'll be here waiting to read.

    Post often, post soon.
  6. jedi_master_gimpy Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    This is looking mighty interesting, Erica!! I am looking forward to more!
  7. Kid Jedi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 2, 2000
    star 1
    Great first post...how old is Obi in this one?
  8. Herman Snerd Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 31, 1999
    star 6
    Oh come on JEA, just because you're 13 don't expect me to go easy on your story.

    I'll hold off on any comments until you get a bit more of this story under your belt, but you're beginning is interesting. Keep it up.
  9. Jane Jinn Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 5
    Not only does Qui-Gon NOT dump him out of bed, but he actually volunteers to make pancakes for him? What sort of Obi-Torture is THIS? No, just kidding. Enjoy your cushy life while you can, Obi-Wan, I have the feeling it's all downhill from here!
  10. Return of the Wattowatta Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Mar 11, 2000
    star 4
  11. Bastet Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 30, 1999
    star 4
    Cool! cool.gif
    Can't wait to read more!
  12. Kenobi Maul Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 23, 1999
    star 4
    This is very nice! cool.gif
  13. Darth Homer 327 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 24, 1999
    star 4
    I'm looking forward to this too.
  14. Jedi Erica Amidala Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 16, 1999
    star 4
    Thank you Master Gimpy! I'll try Leona! Don't worry Jane Jinn, you'll get PLENT of torture here! Thanks Bastet and Kenobi Maul! I LOVE feedback! I'm not that thrilled with this part, please tell me what you think!
    ---------------------------
    ?Concentrate harder,? Qui-Gon Jin said, ?Feel, don?t think, don?t know the moment, but simply do.?

    Obi-Wan Kenobi sighed; he was tired and sweaty. A voice interrupted his exercises;

    ?The council wishes to see you Master Jin and Padawan Kenobi? A young initiate said.

    ?Thank you, young one,? Qui-Gon said to the initiate.
    --------------In the Council Chambers

    ?A mission for you, we have? Yoda spoke when they entered, ?To the planet of Irlate, in a civil war they are, sent one knight, Eartae Amaliy, disappeared she has.?
    ?Your mission is to find her, bring her to the transport that will
    wait and then begin a peace process if it is possible,? Mace Windu said, ?More information is in these data pads.? He handed them two small data pads.

    ?Leave tomorrow, you do,? Yoda said evenly.

    Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan bowed and prepared to leave before Yoda spoke again.

    ?Be mindful Qui-Gon, trouble in this mission I sense,? Qui-Gon stored this in his brain, he had learned the hard way not to ignore his former masters advice. ?And may the force be with you.? Yoda said.
    ----------------------Later..

    ?Master, what do you suppose that Master Yoda meant when he said that?? Obi-Wan enquired later in their rooms.

    ?He must have seen something, be cautious in this mission my Padawan,? Qui-Gon said, in truth he did not sense anything out of the ordinary for this mission. Better to be cautious he thought.

    ?Eartae is very skilled at negotiating and lightsaber teqniques, she has always been nice to us padawan, and when I was an initiate she helped me with lessons, sometimes.? Obi-Wan said.

    ?We?ll find her,? Qui-Gon said putting an arm around his padawan.
  15. JoeyKenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Apr 22, 2000
    OOOhhhh!!! This is good so far, I already can't wait to read more. Keep up the good work
  16. Kenobi Maul Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 23, 1999
    star 4
    Advice from one early teen-age author to another. To improve your writing:
    <LI>Find another author, preferably but not necessarily better than you, and send your work to him/her by e-mail before you post it, and have him revise it, revise it again and then post it.

    <LI>Try to delve into the characters' thoughts more to draw out the paragraphs. I also try to comunicate too much through dialogue instead of describing everything the characters think. If you do this, the action seems rushed and you find your posts don't have much meat to them.


    This is just my honest-to-goodness advice. I don't mean to be critical, because you're good. If you want, I'll help you, though I'm not much better, but a second opinion is always a help.
  17. TheLastApocalypse Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 3, 1999
    star 4
    Ah, so you've joined us fanfic-ers! Nice start!
  18. Jedi Erica Amidala Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 16, 1999
    star 4
    I have written several fan fics and posted them here before. You must have missed them, I would repost them excpet they are on my laptop.
  19. Kenobi Maul Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 23, 1999
    star 4
    Come on Erica Amidala(unless you'd rather be called by your *new* screen name)! Post some more!
  20. jodiwent Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Feb 11, 2000
    star 4
    No offence to anyone giving advice but stay off peoples backs about that kind of stuff. The first time I posted everyone complaned about my spelling and spacing. My spelling and type-o's still are bad. If people like your story that's all that counts. I like your story. I do a lot of lurking and not too much answring. offen too in to my own story to reply.
  21. light_sabe_r Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 11, 2000
    star 4
  22. jedi_master_gimpy Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 4
    Hm, this mission sounds interesting! Keep it up!
  23. Jedi Tamara Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 25, 1999
    star 1
    Here's some (hopefully constructive) criticism: The last post was a little choppy, which made it slightly disorienting. Don't be afraid to write more -- you've got really good technique and great ideas.
    "No other hope, no other way, no day but today . . ." I love RENT, too. Does this story tie in? I can just see Obi-Wan in glasses and the striped scarf, following Bant and Garen around with his holocorder.

    [This message has been edited by Jedi Tamara (edited 04-28-2000).]
  24. Laheara Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 13, 2000
    star 1
    This story is started out well. Keep it coming.

    And I'm a little older then 13, does university count?? I think it's sounds good the way you put things together. But I do agree with another post, fleshing out the paragraphs with some feelings or thoughts is always good too.

    And as for help, a beta reader is always a good thing to have. I have several for my archive.

    Well that's my opinion. I'll be looking for more parts. hint hint hitn
  25. Kenobi Maul Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 23, 1999
    star 4
    jodiwent, I agree that complaining about spelling and typos is a waste of time. All I'm doing is providing ideas for Erica Amidala to improve (not that she necessarily needs it) because as a fellow 13-something author, improving is one of my most important goals (again, I am not implying that it should be anyone elses, but that's the way I feel).
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