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Freak Wars Episode I: The Phantom Hindu v2.0

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Arakay, Jun 6, 2000.

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  1. Arakay

    Arakay Jedi Youngling

    Jun 2, 2000
    Maybe this title will get more attention... Oh, and this doesn't follow the story of TPM closely...or at all. That's because this is a TRUE story (sort-of). Anyhow....

    Dramatis Personae
    Swan Singh-An insane Hindu guy running down the lane on Earth. No one knows why he is doing this, except Amber the Kommunist Kitty, who is (still) trying to take over the world. But that's not the point...

    Swan Singh's Two Sons-Who are they? That is a mystery. They're very confused, because their father is insane and running down the lane.

    Empress Arakay (that's ME, MUAHAHA)- Empress of Grrhorsish, Incadu System, GFFA (which everyone knows) and also ruler of the GFFA (which no one knows); benevolent Dark Jedi (don't dwell on the logic there...); motto: "Chaos, panic and work here is done"

    Other Assorted Main Characters will drop in from time to time, but, um, I don't know when they're coming so I'll describe them later....

    ::universe fades to black and across the space time continuum, blue letters appear. Denizens of the Big Bang Burger Barn (see Adam's "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe) applaud::

    A not-so-long time ago in a galaxy far far away from the galaxy far far away....

    Freak Wars
    Episode I
    The Phantom Hindu

    ::at this point yellow letters scroll across the space-time to the continuum, scrambling the transmission from the Mars probe::

    It was a period of great boredom. Fourth period to be exact. Trapped in class, students minds snapped in insanity, and a Great Rebellion against the cruel Administration arose. But that's beside the point.

    Meanwhile in India, an insane Hindu guy named Swan Singh was running down the lane. His two sons were watching him. No one knew why or how he was insane, and since he was insane he didn't know either. Only one being, Amber the Communist Kitty, knew why he was running down the lane. Screaming maniacally, he ran from the green globs he hallucinated chasing him....

    [This message has been edited by Arakay (edited 06-06-2000).]
  2. Arakay

    Arakay Jedi Youngling

    Jun 2, 2000
    Swan Singh ran screaming down the lane, into the darkness that was beginning to engulf the Indian countryside. His two sons watched, horrified yet strangely amused by their now-crazy father's plight. They watched as he sprinted over the crest of a hill and dissappeared into the night. Wait a minute--it was dark, but it was also one o'clock in the afternoon. THAT couldn't be good. The two boys looked at each other, and then up at the sky. What they saw soaring across the once-azure zenith made them tremble with awe and fear; immediatly, they dropped to their knees and bowed up and down, saying "Mooooo, moooomooo, mooomomomomomoooo..."

    Swan Singh ran. He didn't know why, or what, or how, or much of anything at all, which was understandable, since he was insane. He burst out of a grove of trees into an open field. It was empty, save for a lone cow grazing. The cow glanced at Swan Singh, then went back to the more immediate task at hand--eating. Swan Singh, for lack of something better to do, glanced up into the dark sky. Even through his insanity, he was shocked and amazed. A huge gray sphere was blocking out the sun. It looked like a small moon, with a crater in it. What was painted on it(actually, it was some leftover spraypaint, but he doesn't have to know that) made him gasp. It was the sacred symbol of the cow!! Like all the other Hindis around the world, he immediatly bowed down and uttered the sacred mantra. The cow in the field just stared at him. Swan Singh watched in amazement as a speck detatched itself from the great cow-moon(Death Star, for those of you who haven't figured that out) and dropped out of the sky like a shooting star, landing with a whine of repulsors on the grassy field. It was what would become known as a lambda class shuttle, but Swan Singh didn't know that. The cow, annoyed that the ship's repulsor's had fried a particularly scrumptious-looking morsel of grass, continued to stare. With the hiss that always comes with the release of pressurized air, the door of the ship slid open, revealing a four-legged creature inside.

    ***By the way, due to the lethal radiation of Grrhorsish, Grrhorsishians can morph from humans to horses to an odd looking in between******

    Swan Singh watched in total shock as a horse stepped out of the doorway and out onto the ramp that had extended. And he fainted when that same horse spoke--"This guy'll do," she said. "Take him."

    "Yes, Empress Arakay," replied the stormtroopers as they exited the shuttle and collected the unconcious Hindu. One trooper glanced up. "What about the cow?"

    "Hmm..." Arakay replied, "Best not to leave any witnesses. Take it too. After all, if worse comes to worst, we can always make it hamburger night tonight instead of Thursday."

    The troopers, happy with the thought of an earlier hamburger night, quickly herded the bovine up the ramp of the ship, which retracted behind them. With an almost silent hiss, the door slid shut, and the shuttle streaked through the sky towards the great Cow-Moon, aka, Death Star.

    TO BE CONTINUED, UNLESS ANYONE POSTS FOR ME TO STOP (reverse psychology, hahaha)

  3. Ulberymay

    Ulberymay Jedi Youngling

    Jun 5, 2000
    Is this the same thing as "The True Identity of Emperor Palpatine"? Some one responded to that that they wanted to hear more. I think you should post on there that this is the same thing, modified, that way people will know to look here for the rest of the story.
  4. Arakay

    Arakay Jedi Youngling

    Jun 2, 2000
    Arakay had the cow and Swan Singh brought to her grand audience chamber on the Death Star once Swan Singh regained consciousness. She explained the situation to them.

    "You primitive creatures probably don't know this, but the rest of the galaxy is filled with aliens of all different species and genomes. The Jedi Knights are the supposed guardians of peace and justice of the Galactic Republic, the interplanetary government of the rest of the universe. However, the Republic is just a bunch of stupid beaurocrats now, and the Jedi Knights are getting nauseatingly noble and self-sacrificing--IT'S JUST SICKENING!!! So, I, Empress Arakay, ruler of Grrhorsish, intend to, ah, change all that. In layman's terms, its revolution time!!!" Arakay looked at Swan Singh and the cow, seeing if her words had inspired them. They just looked at each other, then back at Arakay. Undaunted, Arakay continued. "So, you too are going to help me. You-" she said, pointing to Swan Singh. "How would you like to be Emperor of the galaxy?"


    Arakay gave the insane Hindu a sideways glance. "I'll, um, take that as a yes. Come here." When Swan Singh complied, Arakay promptly began zapping him with blue lightning. Swan Singh screamed and cried, espescially when the lightning made his feet begin to melt. After what seemed like an eternity, Arakay stopped. "There now," she said brightly. "You should be charged enough to shoot static bolts for months, if not years!! Oh your feet? Don't worry about it!! Here, take this navy robe. Yes, I know cowled robes went out a long time ago, but y'know what? When your emperor of the galaxy you can wear whatever you want!!"

    Swan Singh tried to say "ok", but his voice was low and gravelly, and his words were muffled by the loose folds of pale skin that now made up his face.

    "Okay, so maybe a little more than just your feet melted," Arakay mumbled,"What, nothing's perfect!!" She looked at Swan Singh again. "Hmm, Swan Singh is too earth-sounding; you need a new name!! We can't just call you "Emperor", you know. Lemme think, um, 'Qui-Gon', no; 'Emporer Vader', no, too many "-er's"; 'Yoda'? No, "Emperor Yoda" just doesn't have a ring too it...hey I know!!! I call you Emperor Palpatine!!! That Senator Palpatine guy is too nauseatingly perfect anyway; after I dispose of him, his image will be ruined forever!! YES!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!" Arakay threw her head back and laughed somewhat evily, a strange sight for a horse.

    Swan Singh looked at the cow. He was hungry, and despite what his religion said, hamburger seemed mighty tasty at the moment...

    "Don't even think about it," Arakay said, throwing a look at Swan--er--, the newly christened Emperor Palpatine. "That cow is a critical part of my plan."
  5. Arakay

    Arakay Jedi Youngling

    Jun 2, 2000
    To The Top!!

    Ok, well, I'll be gone on vacation June 8-22, so if anyone is just DYING to know what happens, you can read on a page of my website; go to

    This 'fanfic' is the "Singh Manuscript".

  6. Ulberymay

    Ulberymay Jedi Youngling

    Jun 5, 2000
  7. Jean

    Jean Jedi Youngling star 1

    Oct 7, 2003
    Upping for the move
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