GAME: Reconstruct A New Hope! (humour)

Luke: There's gotta be something you can do Ham!.. I mean.. Hanz..
Han: *waps Luke over the head* There's nothin I can do about it KID. I'm high on coffee and their not going to get me without a fight! HAHA!
*Mundi walks into the cockpit while drinking a martini glass*
Mundi: Oh please ...shut up!
Han: Well they aren't!
QuiGon: Yea right.. I forsee you will run away like some scared panzy. HAHAH!!
Han: *rolls eyes* Chewie please..
*Chewie pulls out his crossbow; ready to fire at Qui Gon.*
Chewie: *roars* Sorry Qui Gon its nothing personal.
*Qui Gon pulls out his lightsaber*
*Han is about to pull out his blaster*
*When suddenly Obiwan jumps in front of Chewbacca*
Obiwan: Wait! There are alternatives to fighting!!
All: *surprised and shocked* Really?!....

 

Obi-wan: ...no...

 

ObiWan: Oh yes, we can all get along and settle things in a civil way.
(they think it over for a few minutes)
QuiGon: That's crazy, you're crazy. (throws ObiWan against a wall)
(they begin arguing again, unaware that they are almost inside the death star. They go in, the door opens)
StormTrooper1: Hand up!
Han: Can't you see we're talking here?!? (shoots stormtrooper)
StormTrooper2: Get 'em boys! (many stormtroopers run in and begin shooting but are quickly killed by the enrages mob of jedi, wookies, droids and death stick guy)
ObiWan: Enough with you guys, I'm going to shut down that tractor beam.
QuiGon: I'm going to do some... stuff...
Death Stick guy: I'm going to sell some death sticks.
Mundi: I'm going to get some food.
Luke (whining): Awwwwwwww, mannnnnnnn, I thought we came here to save the princess.
All: Shutup boy.
Han: I guess Chewie and me will have to go with the boy.
C3P0: R2 and I are going to some room and locking the door.

 

R2: Chirp bleep Whistle?
C3PO: Don't worry that photo on the web was a trick of photography that was another droids arm.
*R2 whirrs uncertainly*
Han, Chewie, Luke and Obiwan are in a control room, Luke is sobbing uncontrolably
Obiwan: I am going to shut down that tractor beam.
Luke: *crying and sniffling* I want to go with you
Obiwan: I would really like to take you . . uhh . . . but I am wearing a special jedi cloak of invisibility that can't be seen by the enemy and I don't have an extra one . . and I'll be going a really far way, without bathroom breaks . . . and your destiny umm, yes your destiny is here, I see it really clearly in the force.
Luke: *using Chewies arm to blow his nose* well I guess but . .
Obiwan: gotta go bye!
*leaves the room*
Chewie: Mrwwrawr
Han: You said it chewie, where did you dig up that old fossil?
Luke: In Montana with Dr. Malcolm, it's a raptor claw.
*chewie and Han gather around to peer at the claw in Lukes hand*
C3PO: I say, isn't that the math guy . . .R2 whats happening, everyone look!
*R2 has inserted a part of himself into a receptacle in the wall, his entire frame is shuddering as he releases ecstatic robotic moans*
Han: What's he saying?
C3PO: I'm afraid I'm rather embarassed, but I will repeat the part about "she" being here.
Han: Who?
C3PO: The princess
Luke: Where?
C3PO: in THE detention block
Luke: We got to rescue her, she's a hot babe in a bikini, she is just as I remember her in my dreams, grown more beautiful I mean, we can keep it a secret . . . And there's a reward.
Han: what's your plan
*Luke walks towards chewie with binders*
Luke: now I'm gonna put these on you . . .
Chewie: RoarRRRRR!!!!
*Luke steps back, tears streaming down his face, a puddle of urine forming at his feet*
Han: that's definately gonna cost extra

 

Meanwhile, in the mess hall, death stick guy is surrounded by a crowd of eager stormtroopers -

 

DeathStick: Now come on guys.. can't we all just have a smoke of.. *pulls out death sticks, and throws each one into their helmets, big clouds of smoke begins to come out of their helmets*
DeathStick: ...Deathsticks?! ..Now! Think of the happiest thing! Its the same as having wings!!
Troop#2: Lets all try just once more.
Troop#1: Look we're rising off the floor!!
Troop#4: I flew!!!!
DeathStick: *jumps up into the air and flies around the floating Storm Troopers* You can fly!!!
All: We can fly!!
*They all fly around in circles*
DeathStick: Off To Never Land!!
*They all fly out of the spaceship*
Chorus: *singing* Think of a wonderful thought.. any merry little thought. Think of christmas think of snow.. think of sleighbells off you go! Like reindeer in the sky!! You can fly! You can fly! You can fly!!!
...........
(A little tribute to Peter Pan.. )

 

QuiGon: Woohoo!
StormTrooper: Run!
(QuiGon has hijacked am AT-ST and is shooting at everyone)
StormTrooper: No, not that-
StormTrooper: Let's just hope he doesn't find the nukes in the next room. Too late...
QuiGon: Take that coruscant (launches hundreds of nukes at coruscant)
StormTrooper: Lord Vader will not be pleased
Vader: What has happened here?!?!?!?
Death Stick guy: Wanna buy some death sticks?

 

Vader: Ah what the heck.
*takes some death sticks*

 

(Mundi is sneeking quietly through the hallways, Bond music is playing, he is holding a silenced pistol and wearing a very fancy watch. He also speaks with a british accent.)
Mundi: Tell me, where is the princess?
StormTrooper (in russian accent): You'll never know, Mr. Mundi.
(All of a sudden 6 stormtroopers come around the corner shooting their weapons at Mundi, but they all miss him)
Mundi: I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got to run. (presses button on watch, hundreds of remote mines explode)
(A rope comes through the hole in the ceiling, Mundi grabs onto it and is lifted away by a helicopter while firing is machine gun he found somewhere.)

 

*cuts back to Han, Luke, Chewie, C3P0 and R2D2*
Luke: Well I'm not paying you anything. Besides Princess Leia will do that.
Han: Look you fool, I don't want her to pay me.. If ya know what I mean! Nudge Nudge wink wink say no more!
*winks alot and nudges his elbow to Luke*
Han: *laughing* Eh eh eh?!
Luke: *rolls eyes* ....Your hopeless. Come on, lets go get the princess.
Han: Alright hopefully she'll be wearing that bikini! AND She'd better be friggin hot!
C3P0: Pardon me sirs.. but what do R2 and I do if we're discovered here?
Luke: Well ...then your screwed!
Han: Yea HAHA!! So long suckers!
*They quickly run out, locking the door*
C3P0: Well that isn't very reassuring!.....

 

Luke: Yay!!! We're gonna save a princess!!
Han: Calm down boy
Chewie: Mooooooo
Luke: Hey, he's not a cow!
Han: Shut up, boy.
Luke: I'm sure she's in this one (shoots handle off of door) Nope. Then she must be in this one (shoots handle off)Nope. Can't be that one.
Han: Boy, (points to top of skipped door, it says Princess inside)
Luke: Boy, you sure are smart Han.
Leia: Little short and dumb for a stormtrooper aren't you?

 

*Many minutes before rescueing the princess*
Luke: I can't see a thing in this helmet!!! No wonder they haven't shot us yet!!
Han: Well what do you expect their clones! I have a feeling this isn't gonna to work!
Luke: Why didn't you say so before?!
Han: I DID say so before!
*they come out of the elevator*
Officer: Where are you taking this...thing?
Luke: *in Qui Gon voice* ..To Coruscant.
Officer: Coruscant? That doesn't compute oh wait umm your under arrest!
Luke: Wait! This is prisoner transfer from cell block 1138!! HA!! Clever isn't it?! Good one Lucas! *looks to Lucas*
Lucas: *gives thumbs up*
Officer: *in Texan accent* 1138?! Yeehaw! That IS clever! I'm sorry boys but I haven't seen that movie before.. so I'll have to clear it!
Han: Hey look at that wall!! *points*
*all of the soldiers look at the wall*
Soldiers: Yea.. its beautiful.
Luke: Good distraction Hanz!!
*they run to the cell hallways*

 

Leia: Don't just stand there, get us out of here.
Luke: Ummmm... yeah, how do we do that?
Leia: Leave that to me (throws thermal detonators everywhere) Now, jump down thta vent into the trash compacter!
(they all jump down)
Luke: Something just swam by my leg...

 

Ahhh monday

Luke: I am suprised there are any thermal detonators left *crying uncontrolably*
Chewie: MRWARAR *moves away from luke*
Han: Chewie noticed the water's getting mighty warm by your leg. I'm outa here potty pants *shoots door, laser bounces around the room*
Leia: no wait, that's pretty
*everyone starts firing creating a beautiful laser show, chewies fur is singed in several places*
Han: I think I was suppossed to comment on the smell but all I can do is stare at you in that bikini.
Luke: *tears streaming down his cheeks* Yah, just being around her is . . intoxicating. *all of us sudden Luke is pulled under, screaming help as he Bobs up and down*
Luke:Blast it!
*Han and Leia begin shooting at Luke and he disappears under the water*
Han: At last, we're alone. *begins to grope Leia*
Chewie: WRARWARWRA
Han: Well, alone as we could hope to be, turn around Chewie, what do you think I am some kind of Dog that I would let you watch me and -
*Luke appears from the water with a splash*
Leia: *hastily putting her top back on* What happened!
Luke: *sobbing uncontrollably* there were these aliens, and I was on a table. They began to probe me, I feel so violated, then it just let go of me. WHy would there be such a huge thing in this place anyways it doesn't make sense, I mean if the station were old maybe it could have grown, but really, this thing's brand new, why would somebody put that thing in here, what is this?, the flintstones with a pig under the sink as a garbage disposal and hey, wake up -
*kicks han who has fallen asleep*
*all of a sudden the walls start closing in*
Luke: I'm not dying a virgin! *grabs Leia*
Han: Me neither! *jumps in*
Chewie: MWRARWAR *moves toward the group*
*meanwhile back in the control room*
C3PO: *listening to a com* It sounds like something very interesting is going on down there. R2, stop that smasher and open the door, I want to look.
*Obiwan walks past garbage smasher door and sees Luke, Leia, chewie, and Han all tangled together*
Obiwan: Uhh Luke , Leia there was something important I was going to tell you . . umm but . .its . .
Luke: *eyes going misty* What Ben, is it about my father?
Obiwan: Uhh . . no, I left my oven on, if you go back to tatooine turn it off.
*Obiwan heads down the hall following large pink signs that read, "This way to tractor beam controls"*
*the group heads out of the room and down a hallway*

 

Luke: *tries to run after ben but falls over an imperial painter spraying,"this way back to the hanger, where the Millenium falcon HASN"T been fitted with a tracking device, so that we can blow up your base" in pink lettering* Leia, is there anyway I could get some alone time with you? *snot running out of his nose*
Leia: after that garbage disposal, I think I was right when I said you were a little short for a stormtrooper. *turns towards han* and you, you know I want you, everyone in the audience knows it for crying out loud, but from now on I am in charge of leading us on a series of crazy, suicidal, illogical adventures. Would somebody keep this walking carpet in my way, just in case these stormtroopers learn to shoot staight.
Han: Only one reward is worth this, *looks towards luke* wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

 

*Qui Gon Jinn and Death Stick Guy blow the locked door open*
QuiGon: Where did everyone go?!
*a little tapping sound is heard from inside a door*
*Qui Gon turns on his lightsaber and cuts the door open violently*
C3P0: They're mad! they ran to the detention level..Hurry and you might catch them!! Wait a minute..What are you guys doing here?!
QuiGon: What Am I doing here?! I'm a friggin spirit for crying outloud.. Of course I'm going to be EVERYWHERE! Now enough of the chit chat... Where the hell are the guys?!
Deathstick: Are they smoking deathsticks?
C3P0: No they went to rescue Princess Leia..
QuiGonAndDeathStick: Princess LEIA??!! Come on what are we waitin for??!! Lets us get some!!
R2D2: *beeps* For monkies, you sure think alot about sex!
QuiGon: HAHA! Shut up you poor excuse for a trash can.. or I'll cut you up and eat your innards for lunch!!
R2D2: *bleeps VERY loud* Bring it ON!!
QuiGon: *bring out his lightsaber* I don't know why I didn't slice you up in the first place!!!
R2D2: Maybe becuz I have the Death Star plans jerk!
QuiGon: *dumbfounded* Oh so now you talk?
R2D2: HAHAH!! Your SO dumb.
*Qui Gon is about to strike but is stopped by Death Stick guy*
QuiGon: What are you doing??!!
Deathstick: Theres no need to get angry!!
QuiGon: What if I'm angry its YOUR fault!!!
DeathStick: *slaps Qui Gon* After all these long years we have been friends.. Trust me as you once did.. Let it go..with some death sticks.
C3P0: Come on we must go now! Obiwan...
QuiGon: Wait a sec. Obiwan?!.. Oh no!! Hes going to face Darth Vader alone!!!
*runs through the walls*
Deathstick: hold on! *runs to the wall but smashes his face right into it and falls to the floor* what the f.... I'm very confused. Am I dead or what?
C3P0: I really don't know. But we'd better...
*suddenly the door next to them explodes!! It is Jedi Master Mundi!*
Mundi: YEEHAW!! NINJA JEDI!!! *slices up several stormtroopers chasing after him with Go-Carts* *sees Death Stick guy, runs up to him and steals 3 death sticks and jumps into one of the stolen go-carts*
Mundi: So long chaps!!! *drives away into the very long empty hallways*
DeathStick: No one steals death sticks from me! NO-ONE! Come on guys!!
*grabs the droids and puts them into another go-cart lying around*
*they take off after Mundi*
Mundi: *looks back* Haha! You fools.. No one can take out the great Jedi Master Mundi...
*James Bond type music plays..*

 

(they are drving the go cart through the death star, QuiGon is drving and death stick guy is manning the the machine gun on the back)
QuiGon: Shoot him!
DeathStickGuy: Yes (fires machine gun at mundi, missing and shooting up the entire hall they are drivng through, Q's voice comes over the radio)
Q: I say QuiGon, do try to bring this one back in working order. And don't forget to use the rocket launcher I installed, along with the parachute, jet engine, and a bathroom.
QuiGon: Okay, Q. I wonder how he put all that in a go cart?
Death Stick Guy: Probably the same way he made a pen grenade, don't question him, he's british intelligence.
QuiGon: British?
Death Stick guy: Never mind. Drive closer, get behind him
QuiGon: I know a shortcut. (drives into another room, crashed go cart into the old death star.)
Death Stick guy: now look what you did.
QuiGon: But look what I found (looks at old death star) hehehe...
(Mundi stops his go cart and looks behind him)
Mundi: Pheww,I think I lost him. (smokes death stick, all of a sudden the old death star crashes through a wall.)
Death Stick guy: AAHAHAHA (shoots mundi with old death star, the go cart explodes in a fiery explosion)
Death stick guy: I think we got him
QuiGon: Good, now that we have this, lets go pay a visit to Coruscant.
Death stick guy: Good idea
C3P0: But what about R2 and I?
QuiGon: I don't know (steps on R2's foot, his top pops up, he puts a thermal detonator inside and pushes them out, they fly away)
QuiGon: They'll repair him.

 

*Obiwan is sneeking down a hallway following an imperial painter that is stopping every 10 feet to spray a pink stencil that reads, "tractor beam controls, this way"*
Qui-gon Ghost:Is it time for breakfast?
Obiwan: You scared me, and we just ate, what about elevensies?
Padme's Ghost: I don't think he knows about elevensies?
Obi-wan: when did you get here?
Padme: Why is it only Jedi have ghosts, didn't I lead a meaningful life *music begins to play* I came back because I love you.
Obi-wan: What you're not real! *ducks behind a door*
Padme: *to Quigon* put a penny under the door.
Quigon: Umm . . I'm a ghost to, but Ok!
*Obi wan stares in amazement as the Ghost of Padme slides the penny up the door*
Obi-wan: I've missed you!
*The righteous brothers sing unchained melody as Padme helps Obi-wan makes some pottery*
Whoopi Goldberg:Hey let's go shut off that tractor beam and teach the choir to sing so that we can save the school!
Qui-Gon: School, they were doing ghost not Sister Act.
Whoopi: Mufasa, Mufasa, Mufasa!!!
Obi-wan: Listen, everyone, I am going to put on my cloak of invisibility and go to a happy place.
Padme: We're not as dumb as Luke , you know.
*Obi-wan is sneeking towards the tractor beam, he causes a sound to distract the two stormtroopers*
Stormtrooper1: Do hear that, it's a funny squeeky sound?
Stormtrooper2: Jeeez, you couldn't hear a dumptruck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.
Stormtrooper3: No I hear it to, it's coming form this tree *peers inside* SQUIRREL!!!!
*All the stormtroopers run away*
*Obiwan starts turning handles on the tractor beam controls, an imperial officer dressed in pink shows up*
PinkOfficer: Excuse me, but I am here to make sure you do this correctly.
Obiwan: Thank God, I don't know what I'm doing, I mean, what am I a mechanic? That underwater craft repair in TPM, was me trying to electrocute Qui-gon for not letting me take the trials, and the Hyperdrive repair, hah! Of course I said we'll need a new hyperdrive, with me as mechanic we needed a new ship.
PinkOfficer: Well, if you don't mind I'll finish this up for you, and you should go meet Vader in the Hall outside the Hanger.
Obiwan: OK, I guess, but there seems to be something mighty Queer about you and this whole situation.
PinkOfficer: I get that a lot.

 

Obiwan: Well.. umm catch you later?
Pink: Nope I don't think so.. I'm probably gonna blow up this thing tonight.
Obiwan: Really? Thats what I was doing!
Pink: No seriously.. I'm gonna blow this place to kingdom come!!
Obiwan: Oh.. okay... You do that. I'll go fight that old bag of bones with a respirator ..
Pink: Toodle Loo. *hops away giggling*
Obiwan: NOW that was just strange.
*Obiwan runs around the death star, suddenly he sees a group of storm troopers standing right next to one of those huge empty spaces, Obiwan force shoves all of the stormtroopers down the empty space*
Obwain: HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!! I don't know WHY they put those there. Hehe! *wipes tear away* Why.. I could do this all day! Hmm.. lets see here.. Fate of the galaxy or killing StormTroopers? Decisions.. Decisions..
*But his thoughts are cut off as suddenly he hears very loud techno music coming from the room next to him.*
*he force opens the door*
*Obiwan sees Yoda and Mace Windu dancing with a bunch of Twileks*
Obiwan: *shakes his eyes in disbelief* YODA?! WINDU?!! What in the blazes?! Why are you dressed as Wookies?!...

 

Vader:I forgot to tell you, there is a presence, something I have not felt since I was in the presence of my old master.
Tarkin: Wait this isn't the right spot, we're way to late, but, ah hell, obiwan kenobi is gone, the jedi are extinct, you my friend are all that is left of their order.
Vader: I don't know if you've been watching the moniter but the entire Jedi Council seems to be running around here, and whoopi Goldberg is here as well.
Tarkin: She lied to me!
Vader: huh
Tarkin: Ohh that Leia, she was telling me this happens to all guys, that its normal, look at that moniter. * a moniter is showing Leia in a closet with Obiwan*
Tarkin: Go kill him!

 

*cuts back to Obiwan, Yoda and Mace and some Storm troopers without their helmets; twileks, more jedi council members, and even some Imperial captains are in this party room watching Obiwan sing at a Karoake machine*
Obiwan: *drunk and singing* So raise your glass, we'll drink a toast to the little man who sells you thrills along the pear!!
Windu: *singing* OOOhhhooohhh!!
Obiwan: *singing* He'll take you up he'll bring you down he'll plant your feet back firmly on the ground!
Stormtroopers: *singing* OohhhooOOOhhh...
Obiwan: *singing* He flies so high, he swoops so low, he knows exactly which way hes gonna go!
*everybody claps*
*suddenly evil Grand Moff Tarkin intrudes upon the party*
Tarkin: ....I didn't authorize a party!
*silence*
Tarkin: Now.. why are we having a party in my friggin mail office?!!!
Obiwan: Hey because we all love you! *falls drunkily to the ground*
Tarkin: Disgusting display as usual.. Wait a minute... aren't you.. Obiwan Kenobi?! Butter biscuits!! Vader wants to fight you alone! Come on we gotta go now!!
*Tarkin picks up Obiwan and tries to carry him as best he can, but Obiwan keeps stumbling, Tarkin suddenly turns around looking at everyone* AND As for the rest of you..*everyone stops and looks at him* ...Party On Dudes!!! HAHAHAHAAHHAHA!!!!!!
*He winks and drags Obiwan out*
Yoda: Do a little dance you will.. little make love we will!! Down get you must tonight! HAHA!!
Windu: You one crazy mofo Yoda!
*Cuts back to Tarkin; who is now carrying a drunk Obiwan to fight Darth Vader..*

 

*Obiwan is walking down a hall, sees DV waiting for him with saber drawn, he pauses with a lightsaber handle, a prop guy runs out and replaces it with a fully extended saber*
Obiwansigh* and supposedly we're suppossed to be farther along than AOTC, this is just weak.
DV: You should not have come back.
Obiwan: What are you talking about? I've never been here in my life, at least I think. Wait, is there a room with a bunch of Twileks here?
DV: Ever since you put me in this suit I have been hindered in that area, I have experimented much, but I have not found a robotic "limb" that adequately replaces that organ, so all women are banned from this station, except for Whoopi Goldberg who is not attractive.
Deathstick guy: Want some deathsticks?
Obiwan: Uhh . . not right now, we've got work to do.
DV: I can't believe you complain about being in these movies, what else have you done?Moulan Rouge?
Obiwan: Wait a minute, I am Alec Guiness not Ewan Macregor, you are David Prowse not Hayden Christian.
DV: Is that so, what was I thinking, well let's try to get back on the lines. Smoke rises from mordor, and Gandalf the grey rides to Isengard.
Obiwan: I have located the one ring, the hour is late.
DV: The hour is later than you think.
*DV swings lightsaber at Obi-wan, hits Deathstick guy instead, Obiwan rushes to his side*
Obiwan: are you alright?
Deathstick: I thougth I was already dead
Obiwan: he was using a nozgul sword, they hurt spirits, if you check back, I am dead as well. Anything you need?
Deathstick: I Luv You
Obiwan: Uhhh . . . I love you to nordberg.
Deathstick: Drugss . .
Obiwan: Nurse, get this man some drugs
*a nurse injects some drugs into a protesting OJ Simpson*
Deathstick: No frank , Heroin
Obiwan: Uhh . thats gonna be a tall order Nordberg, you're gonna have to give me a couple days on that one.
DV: Wait frank, when he said I love you, maybe he was talking about the boat that he was shot on, and that they were selling heroin.
Quigon: *appearing through the wall* Now how did a naked gun qoute get in here? you guys need to get back on track.
*Obiwan and DV face off again*

 

*Tarkin walks in a dark room, hears humming, turns on a light and sees Mundi crouched against the wall, pretending not to see him*
Tarkin: Hey who are you *no response, mundi stays still* You know I can see you, quit pretending, and were you just humming your own theme music?
*sweat begins to form on Mundi's brow, as he is determined not to blow his cover*
Tarkin: *poking at him with a blaster* I see you, you are right in front of me, I will not move until you quit pretending and admit that I see you.
*mundi draws on the force for strength as he settles in for the long haul*

 

Tarkin: Speak to me! NOW!
*But Mundi is still ever quiet, he slowly holds his finger to his mouth and makes a Shhhhh sound*
Tarkin: *whispers* Shhh about what?!
*more sweat begins to poor from Mundis cone shaped head, but Mundis finger points at the door behind him.*
*suddenly the door begins to shake back and forth with Mundi holding it with his back*
*Tarkin looks at the door*
Tarkin: Well don't just sit there... open it for godsakes!!!
*Tarkin shoves Mundi out of the way and opens the door*
Mundi: NO YOU FOOL!!.....

 

We need some new blood