GAME: Reconstruct Phantom Menace (humour)

Qui-Gon: Are you sure there's nothing of value left on board?
Obi-Wan: No, nothing. Not even a servicable droid. Wait, we're receiving a message from Naboo.
( Obi-Wan listens to the message )
Obi-Wan: It's Mr. Bibble, he says people are starving.
Qui-Gon: Better them than me I always say.
Obi-Wan: He says we need to contact him.
Qui-Gon: Tell him to send us some real money conflab it. Excuse me...
( A man walks by Qui-Gon, Qui-Gon pulls out his lightsaber, and in one motion, cuts the man's legs out from under him, picks the phone back up and deposits 10 more cents.)

 

Anakin: Are you an angel?
Handmaiden: Oh For the love of.. (padme collapses to the floor and twitches) I did not hear Darth vader say that!!!
Anakin: Darth Vader?! I'm no Darth Vader. I'm a person and my names Anakin! (anakin slaps padme)
Padme: Oh so you wanna fight now Punk?! (padme picks him up and throws him at new Jar Jar)
Anakin: Look.. if we're going to be a couple in the future the least you could do is not act like some wrestler.
Padme: Sorry its in my blood..
(suddenly QuiGon enters in)
(hes completely bloody and grins)
QuiGon: All work and no coffee makes Jack a dull boy!!! (qui gon runs at jar jar; who throws a robot thingy at qui gons head; knocking him out cold)
JarJar: Dattin was a close one.
(qui gon slices off jar jars leg)
(padme N anakin shrug and join in the fight)
(now its a huge brawl, Jar Jars got Qui Gons head in a headlock, Padme just grabbed Qui Gons lightsaber! and Whats this?! Anakin is grabbing a chair?!
(cuts to Naboo; Nute Gunray is watching the wrestling match on his tv)
Nute: Hey! She can't do that! Shoot her or something!!.....

 

In Anakin's Home

Shmi: All slaves have a transmitter inside them somewhere. Any attempt to escape--
Anakin: And they blow you up BOOM.
Qui-Gon: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
( New Jar-Jar slurps down an apple from the bowl. Everyone gives him a bad look. )
Anakin: So, has anyone ever seen a podrace?
Qui-Gon: They have podracing on Malastair,... hey, wait a minute, we need to talk about me.
( Jar-Jar does the tongue thing again only to have his tongue cut off by an enraged Qui-Gon. Who then kills the new Jar-Jar. A help-wante sign magically appears outside of their home.)
Qui-Gon: You fool.
Anakin: You're a jedi knight, aren't you?
Qui-Gon: Why you little... I mean no.what makes you say that.
( Qui-Gon put's his lightsaber down again.)
Anakin: I saw your laser sword. Only jedi have them.
Qui-gon: I don't remember ever owning a lightsaber, you must be an idiot to think such a thing.
Anakin: Lightsaber? You do have one. you just killed that thing.
( anakin looks over at the new Jar Jar, who is struggling to breathe. )
Anakin: I built a droid, anyone want to see?
Qui-Gon: Where is it???????
anakin: In my room, over ther.....
Qui-Gon: Got him!
( Before Anakin can finish his sentence, Qui-Gon runs into the room and the sound of a lightsaber cutting a droid is heard. Qui-Gon calmly walks out.)
Qui-Gon: Your droid could use some work.

 

Anakin: So, you want me to race & win you some parts and money?"
Qui-Gon: "That's the plan."
Anakin: "What's in it for me?"
Qui-Gon: "I'll free you, take you to coruscant where you'll become a Jedi, then you can bang the hottest senator in the galaxy, grow to become one of the most feared beings in the galaxy, and be the right hand of the most powerful man in the... uh, galaxy."
Anakin: "Yeah... and?"
Qui-Gon: "And you can wear a cool black cape."
Anakin: "Yippee!"

(cut to Watto's shop. Qui-Gon grabs Watto between his legs and squeezes. Watto's eyes bulge from his head)

Qui-Gon: "Mind if the kid races to win me money?"
Watto: "No." (He says in agony)
Qui-Gon: "Thanks, sweetie."

 

In the shop

Qui-Gon: By the way, Watto, let's discuss that little stunt you pulled earlier with the droid.
Watto: Okay...Wait a minute, hey, TC-26, come out here.
( TC-26 walks out and before he can say a thing, he is cut into two equal pieces by Qui-Gon's lightsaber. Qui-Gon turns around, but Watto is gone yet again. )

Qui-Gon: I'll get you next time Watto, next time. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

(Cut to Darth Maul prancing from his ship as he checks his nails)

Maul: "Gottagetthejedigottagetthejedi for me and my Master. Those bastard cuties."

(He sends the locator droids off and looks through his binoculars. A pair of naked men take up the scene.)

Maul: "Oops!"

(Blushing, he takes the pictured lenscaps off and looks through again.)

Maul: "I'm on the prowl for some Jedi ***K!"

 

(Cut to Anakin preparing for the race)

Sebulba: "You won't walk away from this one, Skywalker."

Anakin: "Why, you not using lube this time?"

Sebulba: "You're Bantha Fodder!"

(He leaves and Qui-Gon approaches)

Qui-Gon: "You will win the race, right?"

Anakin: "Sure, I guess."

Qui-Gon: "Well, I'll tell you what, if you don't, I'll break you into so many pieces, you'll look like a friggin' jigsaw puzzle. I'll hit you so hard, you'll be picked up in Mos Eisley for speeding. If you don't win, I'll bust your face apart for ya. Am I clear?"

Anakin: "Yeah, but I'm a little nervous. Do you think I could get killed?"

Qui-Gon: "Tell you what, I'll sit over here not giving a ****, and you win the race, OK?"

Anakin: "I will."

Qui-Gon: (Lets out a loud fart) "May that force be with you."
(Walks away) "Little punk bitch" (He mutters)

Jar-Jar: "OOOH, Peeyoosa!"

 

(LMAO!! man you guys are awesome!! I could not stop laughing!!! man i gotta calm down!! but seriously, good stuff guys keep it up!!! )

QuiGon: You should be proud of your son. Hes going to kill all of the jedi. (smiles like a madman)
Shmi: But isn't that bad?
QuiGon: No not at all. (laughs) Hell, I was planning on doing it, but thanks to that little prick hes going to take down those bastards in the Jedi Council for me!! HAHA!!!
Shmi: Your evil!!!
QuiGon: Am I? Is the sky blue? Am I damn tired? Am I Gungan? Am I running away from the Coruscant police? All these questions shall be answered at a later time.
Shmi: Well.. can you help him?
QuiGon: (annoyed) Look.. You have some nice shoes there.. so lets ****!
Shmi: Perve! (kicks quigon in the crotch)
(she walks away)
(suddenly for some reason Obiwan walks to QuiGon)
Obiwan: Master.. thats not a good pick up line.
QuiGon: NO! This is a good pick up line bitch!! ......BANZAI!!! (picks up obiwan and jumps from the top of Shmis house)

 

Back at the race

Announcer: Start your engines!
( Sounds of engine starting up )
Announcer: Go! and they're off! What's this? Little skywalker is having some problems with his racer. That's odd. It must be the power supply that that old jedi stole and------
Qui-Gon: Good evening everyone, my name is Qui-Gon, I will be narrating the rest of this race. Let's see, Ben Quadrinaros is also having some problems, not to worry. Excuse me while I go help him out.
Ten Minutes Later
Qui-Gon: Ben and I had a nice talk, he decided to quit the race and quit life for that matter. You won't be seeing him around much more. It seems that anakin has finally gotten his racer started and, there he goes!
( Anakin shot off to catch up with the rest.)
Qui-Gon: I have to go, but I will leave you with this nice music I found off some bum.
( Puts on a track with the song "Desperado". The crowd goes into a trance while Qui-Gon heads out onto the field.)
Racer 1: hey, what's that man with a lightsaber doing up ther-----
Racer 2: How in the name of jedi is all of that lightning coming from that one man----
Racer 3: What's that coming at me? I glowing bommerang------
(Qui-Gon comes back into the announcer's box.)
Qui-Gon: It seems that most of the racers have crashed.
Some guy in the stands: HEY, YOU BIG IDIOT, WE JUST SAW YOU KILL------
Qui-Gon: It's the last lap and it is a big showdown between Anakin and Sebulba. Anakin darts right, Sebulba darts to intercept, Oh, they're caught together. Too bad, I was hoping someone would win. Wait, what's this? Little skywalker has broken free and sebulba has crashed. WOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Later in the shop

Qui-Gon: I've come for my coffee maker pot.
Watto: you can't have it, or the boy, it wasn't a fair-----------
Qui-Gon: That's for running away last time. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

The ship

Qui-Gon: Great news Obi-Wan! We have a new coffee maker.
Obi-Wan: Great, but where is the coffee? Don't tell me you forgot.
Qui-Gon: I was busy, anyway, meet the newest Jar-Jar.

 

(they are walking away from the podrace match with thousands of bodies lying everywhere)

QuiGon: Anakin, I forsee you becoming a cold blooded jedi like me. (grins)
Padme: You jedi are far too reckless..
QuiGon: But the queen trusts my judgement Young Handmaiden. You should too.
Padme: You assume too much.
QuiGon: Look its my job! Its what I do... what do you want me to do.. streak?!
Padme: Oh sh**!!
(Darth maul jumps out of nowhere and starts flinging punches at QuiGon, who moves from side to side dodging every punch from Maul, suddenly QuiGon flips behind the new Jar Jar and uses him from cover of Darth Mauls lightsaber)
QuiGon: Ha! (throws a bomb at Maul)
(BOOM! a huge explosion which takes out half a city block)
(out of the dust comes Maul ready to chop off QuiGons head.. but then suddenly....

 

...He sees Qui-Gon's face and is distracted for a moment.

Maul: "Oh, my God, you're beautiful!"

(Qui-Gon recognizes the assailants' sexual preference and attacks in a flurry of movements. After a short time, they break apart and stare at each other.)

Maul: "You must come on- I mean with me!"

Qui-Gon: "What for?"

Maul: "Because my master wants to watch me plug you up in his new club, Wood!"

Qui-Gon: (Wide-eyed and in distress) "Flamer!"

Maul: "No, Darth Maul, but thanks for noticing, you big hunk of a man, you!"

Qui-Gon: "What are you, some kind of queer Sith Lord?"

Maul: "Worse. I'm a Sperm-burpin' Goo-goppin' screamin' semen demon!"

Qui-Gon: "Noooooooo!"

(Jumps to the ramp of the escaping ship)

Maul: "Darnit!"

 

Obiwan: What was that thing?!
QuiGon: A gay Sith lord.
Anakin: What are we going to do?
QuiGon: We must be patient. Obiwan Kenobi meet Anakin Skywalker.
(they shake hands)
Obiwan: Master.. did you.. kill anything while you were there?
QuiGon: Oh no.. I helped alot of people though. They needed it.
Obiwan: Oh ok.. (laughs) just checking.
Anakin: Yippee!!! Look at those droids!! Its... SO wizard!!!!
Obiwan: (looks to quigon in distress) Master.. is he going to be like this the whole way?
QuiGon: I'm afraid so...and when my killing senses told me not to kill him.. it must've been the prohpecy the jedi council has been barking about for centuries.. so all in all he must be the chosen one.
(jar jar enters)
JarJar: Hello boyos....

 

Qui-Gon: "Oh, Christ..."

(Suddenly Anakin grabs Obi-Wan's lightsaber and cuts one of JJ's arms off. He staggers away, hollering in pain. All three humans laugh uncontrollably)

Anakin: "Wow, this thing is WIZARD!"

Qui-Gon: "You're alright, young Ani."

Anakin: "So where are we going now?"

Obi-Wan: "Gimme that. We have to go to Coruscant and find out where the Homo Sith came from. We also have to take the queen to talk to the Senate 'cause she's got the crappiest army in the galaxy and can't even keep a bunch of droids out of her own home."

Qui-Gon: "Wanna sell her?"

Obi-Wan: (Laughing) "Sure!"

(JJcomes back in, his arm has grown back. Suddenly the two jedi cut both arms and legs off. He falls to the floor, and Anakin begins to play soccer with him while they all laugh hysterically.)

Qui-Gon: "Good boy, Ani."

 

QuiGon: Anakin.. you know r2d2 here has saved our butts several times.
R2D2: (bleeps for 5 minutes)
Obiwan: Thats just sick r2, don't remind me.
R2d2: (bleep!!)
QuiGon: hahah!
Obiwan: Shut up! its not funny!!
R2d2: (bleeps)
QuiGon: A gungan?! what were you On ObiWan? Hey I just made a rhyme!! HAHAH!!
Anakin: Its so cold in here.
(padme comes over and puts a blanket over him)
Padme: You come from a warm planet Ani. Much too warm for my tastes. Space is cold.
Anakin: (shivering) I see dead people.
R2d2: (bleeps)
Anakin: What did you say about my mom?!
.....

 

R2-D2: Beep beep boop beep
Anakin: I thought so.
( pulls out his pistol and shoots R2-D2)
Anakin: He can be repaired, I have a feeling he is going to have more problems than that in the future.
Qui-Gon (over the ship's intercom): STOP THE SHIP!!!!!
( The ship stops from going at lightspeed, everyone is thrown 20 feet forward.)
Qui-Gon: I have some unfinished business I forgot to do on Tatooine. Go back to Tatooine.

On Tatooine
( Sebulba is walking down the street when a ship comes and hovers overhead, something is dropped from it and falls onto the ground beside him. It explodes, taking out 50 other people. The ship speeds away. )

On the ship
Amidala: Jedi, you may commence with your report.
Qui-Gon: Yes, we are on our way to Coruscant, where we will finish this once and for all.
Amidala: You mean get the senate to side with us?
Qui-Gon: Sure...
Amidala: What of the murdered captain on our ship:
Qui-Gon: I was not aware of such murder.
Obi-Wan ( in QuiGon's ear ): Master, if you killed the captain, then who is driving the ship?
Qui-Gon: Let's see, the queen's here, so are the handmaidens, panaka's dead, R2-D2 and Anakin are having it out. That leaves... uh-oh, JAR-JAR!!!!!
(Everyone runs to the captain's seat, Jar-Jar is furiosly turninig the wheel back and forth. Qui-Gon takes out his lightsaber and cuts both arms off. )

 

(inside the ship)
JarJar: Hey wesa forgettin to go to the Gungan city!
QuiGon: i could care less my-dieing-sick little-NON-friend.
JarJar: ...wait!! Heres Coruscant!!! (suddenly some evil fire appears in his eyes) YAHOOM!! (jar jar crashes the ship right in the spot where Palpatine was supposed to meet them)
(they run out of the ship which explodes)
...

 

Palpatine: Your majesty, we are honored to have you here to speak on our behalf.
Amidala: Whachu talkin' 'bout palpy? I was told to come here for a party.
Palpatine: We are going to the senate to discuss the invasion.
Qui-Gon: Valorum, we need to discuss some matters with the Sith... I mean jedi council. Yeah, jedi. Not sith, there isn't a sith council in that building over their. No sirree, no sith council over there.
Valorum: ok.

In the senate:
Valorum: Here to speak on behalf of the planet of Naboo is QUEEN AMIDALA. Woohoo!!!
( The senate goes into an uproar )
And, without further adue, here is---
( phone rings )
Valorum: Hold on one minute, folks.
(Valorum picks up the phone)
Valorum: Hello, uh-uh, ok, gotcha. Okay, is there a "Ima Snothead" in the senate? Ima Snothead anyone?
( Once again the senate erupts into an uproar. )

 

Valorum: Ok and now.
(a fart sound erupts the senate)
(a little pause, then there is a burst of laughter in the senate)
Valorum: Ok but seriously. (grabs a bucket of water and pours it on himself)
Amidala: This senate isn't serious anymore. Its loaded with clown gags and fart jokes that died in the 30's.
Valorum: What you talkin bout Padme?!
Amidala: If this body is not capable of action, I suggest new leadership is needed.
Valorum: Oh sh**! there goes my career down the drain!!! (bursts out in laughter)
(Amidala pulls out a blaster and shoots at Valorums floating pod, now the laughter has stopped)
Valorum: (clears throat) Ok ok ok..
Amidala: Now feel like listening? (smiles)
Valorum: (scared) Yes yes.
Amidala: Now. The droid army of the Trade Federation has stolen all of our Mochachino we worked so hard to make. We slaved night and day to make that stuff.. and now it seemed worthless.
(guy from the Trade Federation stands up from his pod)
TF: I object to the Senators statements.. their is no proof of these accusations!!
(amidala blasts the trade federation guys head off)

 

Amidala: I propose that a vote of no confidence in Valorum be voted upon now.
TF: I object
Amidala: How many of you guys are there?
( blasts his head off too. Then she makes a wierd sign with her hands and lets out shrill whistle. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon come in different doors and kill senators. )
Antilles: Wait, I demand you stop this at on---
Qui-Gon: Demand this
( cuts four senator's heads off with a single throw of his lightsaber. Some other ones try to run, but Qui-Gon pulles out his minigun and cuts them in half. Obi-Wan was also killing senators by the dozen with his lightsaber and explosives. )
Organa: You four, come with me into the shielded pod.
Other four: Ok
Obi-Wan: Don't forget this
(Tosses in thermal detonator, the explsion killes another 40 senators.)
Qui-Gon, obi-Wan, Amidala, an Palpatine: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH

 

Padme: Wheres your messiah now?! BWAHAHA!!!
(cuts back to Qui Gon and Obiwan going to the Jedi Council with Anakin)
QuiGon: I believe it was a gay sith lord.
Jedi#1: But the sith have been extinct for a millenia.
Mace: I do not believe the sith could've returned without us knowing.
Yoda: (nods) Hard to see the darkside is.
QuiGon: Oh come on you guys! I have a picture of him right here! (shows a picture)
Yoda: Real that not is. (yoda burns the picture)
QuiGon: Why you little.. (brings out lightsaber)
Yoda: Watch who you say who little is, bitch. (yoda force lifts qui gon off his feet)
QuiGon: Well... I was going to tell you something about the chosen one I found..
Jedi#1: Found? We sensed the killings you did.
Yoda: A chosen one? hmm? Killings you have done Master QuiGon ..A sith have you become?
QuiGon: No not at all! How dare you make that assumption.. I would not lie about such a thing!!!
Yoda: Oh ok.. Believe him I do.
(force drops qui gon on his head)
QuiGon: OWW!!!
JediCouncil: HEHEHEHEH!!!!!!!
QuiGon: (brings Anakin forth) This IS chosen one. I must train him.
Yoda: An apprentice you have Qui Gon.. impossible to take on second.
Mace: The code forbids it.
QuiGon: You know what.. **** the code!!....

 

Windu: Okay, anyway, here is the droid to help test this boy.
Qui-Gon: Droid?
Windu: Yes, why?
Qui-Gon: Can't talk now, killing.
Yoda: Only tester droid, that was. Dead, it now is. To the dark side, you have gone.
Qui-Gon: Of course not.
( flings his lightsaber at an unsuspecting council member, killing him.)
Qui-Gon: He was turning into a sith.
Dooku: A sith, he has become, only he would become a sith.
.

 

(cut to Mace testing Anakin)

Anakin: "A ship... A cup... Aaah, speeder."

(Mace nods approvingly)

Anakin: "Now you want to take me into the back room and spank me lovingly."

Mace: (Shocked) "What? uhhh, that wasn't me."

Anakin: "yeah, it was. I saw the fantasy you just thought in your head. You're the only black man on the council who could possibly have a black..."

Mace: "No, I said!"

Yoda: "Alright, alright... How feel you?"

Anakin: "Cold, sir."

Yoda: "lookit, not a chance you have. Why do you not return to your sandbox planet and bury yourself?"

Anakin: "I've got an idea, why don't you go ***k a Mynock, or your sister, or yourself, come back and tell me how great your first time was, and buy me a shot to celebrate?"

Yoda: "Nasty mouth, you have."

(Mace is licking his lips)

Anakin: "Hey Yoda? You can put your mouth right here..."
(Grabs his crotch)
"...and I'll grow up to be the most powerful Jedi ever, come back and waste your little Jedi club and rule the galaxy for ya. How do ya like that?"

(Council laughs hysterically)

Plo-Koon: "Go fist yourself, ya little knob!"

Yoda: "A dumb****, you are!"

Mace: "You need a licken!"

(Anakin storms to the door, letting out a barrage of curses under his breath as the council laughs to hysterics.)

 

( Anakin came running to Qui-Gon.)
Qui-Gon: how did it go?
Anakin (in a crying voice): They were mean, waaaaaa
Qui-Gon: Why those little... I'll get them
(He storms the council)
Yoda: More to say, have you?
Qui-Gon: Yeah, I do. Eat lead.
(pulls out minigun and hoses down Yoda and Windu. The bullet holes seem to just come out of them. They shake their fingers are him.)
Yoda: You are insane.
Qui-Gon: Oh really?
(tosses a beaker of sulfuric acid on Yoda then erases all of their memories with his neurolyzer.)
Windu: Go, and find the identity of this gay sith lord by any means nessecary.

 

Qui-Gon walks back into the senate room. Dead bodies are lying everywhere. Two of the senators are wrestling.

Someone in the crowd: Use the chair!!
(One of the senator's hits the other with the chair. The other gets a trophy and kills the other one. Qui-Gon laughs uncontrollably.)
Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan, what happened?
Obi-Wan: I don't know, I think it all started with a bad bald joke. Then this happened.
Qui-gon: We must stop it.
Obi-Wan: You mean go into droid-killer mode?
Qui-Gon: yes.

( Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon run through the crowd twirling and jumping all while slicing up senator after senator. Most run away, but many are killed.)
Qui-Gon: There, where is the queen?
Amidala: I am here
Qui-Gon: Where is here?
Amidala: Hear, where I am you idiot.

(Valorum walks in))
Valorum: Qui-Gon, they have impeached me from my position.
Qui-Gon: You loser
(Cuts valorum into two equal pieces from top to bottom.)

 

Amidala: I've decided to go back to Naboo.
Palpatine: Go BACK?! But be realistic your majesty they'll force you to sign the treaty!!
Amidala: I will sign no treaty senator.
Palpatine: OOOHH!!! I'm going to cry!!!
Amidala: Shut up you pansy. It has become clear to me that the Republic no longer functions thanks to us killing them.
Palpatine: (lifts up Amidala in a dramatic fashion) But your Majesty!
Amidala: (she laughs) What are you..?
Palpatine: I'm sorry.. being a Chancellor/Sith master isn't easy.
Amidala: I see... Now.. would you put me down.
(Palpatine puts Amidala down)
Palpatine: Now go take care of those Trade Federation guys for me sweet cheeks. (slaps her butt)
(amidala smiles and leaves)
(all of the staff still alive looks at
palpatine)
Palpatine: What?! (grins) Now.. back to destroying the senate..
Guard: But you already destroyed the senate.. Remember?
Palpatine: Oh yea.. well.. I guess I proclaim myself Emperor.
DarthMaul: Master its not Episode 3 yet.
Palpatine: Aww hell.. (sits in his chair) How long will it be?
Guard: About 13 years.
Palpatine: Ugh!!!! (kills the guard) What am i gonna do for 13 years??
(jango fett flys in)
JangoFett: Hello.. wanna create a clone army?!
Palpatine: hell yea! and I'll bring the Scotch!!