GAME: Reconstruct Phantom Menace (humour)

At the ship's docking bay.

Q: You will find all of the customary refinements, coffee, guns, and a torture chamber.
Qui-Gon: Excellent. (Kills Q)

In the ship

Jar-Jar: Meet our new captain!!!!
New Captain: Hi, I'm troy mclure, you might remember me from such starships as Free will, and uncle bob.
Qui-Gon: No (Kills new captain) Quess who's drivin'.

At naboo swamp

Jar-Jar: Desa nobody there, dey haven somen kinden of biggen fighten. All gone.
Amidala: Well, get with it. Take us to your gungan hiding place.
Jar-Jar: Okeday

Hiding place

Qui-Gon: We request entrance to the hiding place
Guard: No
Qui-Gon: Excuse me?
Guard: No (shocks him with a taser)
Qui-Gon: I know you didn't!!!!

(Qui-Gon kills the guards and many of the gungans walking around in the hiding place.)
Qui-Gon: Now, I demand to see the boss.
...

 

BossNass: Yousa cannot bes here.. we haven't even met yet.. you stole one of our bongos and forgot to talk to us.. didn't Lucas give you a script?
QuiGon: Sorry.. I work for Spielberg!! (kicks Boss Nass in the face, but boss nass breaks Qui Gons back)
BossNass: Here put him in dis Silence-of-the-Lambs stray jacket complete with mouth guard.
(Qui Gon gets sedated and put into the stray jacket)
Amidala: We come before you in peace.
BossNass: Yousa bringen da Machanics.. yousa.. all bombad...
Amidala: We have searched you out.. because we wish to form an..
(suddenly from behind the queen; her handmaiden interupts her)
Handmaiden: Your highness...
BossNass: Whosa dis?.........

 

Handmaiden: "I am your mother."

Boss Nass: "Yousa?"

Handmaiden: "Yes, I got drunk at this club and shoved a frog in me. It was a dare, I - I had to do it. A few weeks later, I had about a thousand tadpoles and put them in the pond. That is how you all came to be."

(Boss Nass is stunned)

Handmaiden: "NOW you will take your slimy green asses off your toadstools and help us liberate Naboo! If not, We're having Gungan legs for dinner tonight and I'm sticking a snake in there that'll hatch into the worst mutant Gungan eater you've ever seen! That clear enough for ya?!"

Boss Nass: "WTF? Y-yes, yessa momsa."

Handmaiden: "Good! Now come here, Boss Nass, I'm ovulating!"

 

BossNass: Mesa like dis.. Maybe wesa..being friends.. (does the spit thing, getting tons of spit on qui gon, BIG MISTAKE!!)
QuiGon: Why you little..
(obiwan suddenly crashes in between them with a floating car)
Obiwan: Hey guys!! I stole this floating car from Harry Potter 2!!!
QuiGon: Sweet!!!
Padme: This OwnZ!
(Padme, Quigon, Obiwan, Anakin and everyone else jumps into it)
QuiGon: HA!! You gungans have to stay here and fight off the battle droids!!! SUCKERS!!
(they take off with in the floating car which soars into the sky)
JarJar: Ahh sh**sa.
(cuts back to Nute Gunray and Darth Maul)
Nute: We are sending out a patrol to investigate this army growing in the swamps.. it seems to be made up of primitives..
Sidious: What kind of damage are we talking about?
Nute: They seem to be carrying huge pink shiny balls.
Sidious: Hehe good joke.. but seriously..
Nute: No! I'M Serious! They are carrying huge pink shiny balls!!
Sidious: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!
Lord.. Maul.. BE mindful!!! HAHAH!!! Let them make the first move!!!
Maul: Aww.. I always like to make the first move!!!
Sidious: Quiet you!
Nute: Then I have your approval to proceed then my lord?
Sidious: Of course you moron.. Wipe them out.. ALL of them!!!
(sidious disappears)
Nute: God.. what was up his ass. (shakes his head in stress)
(a battle droid walks up to Gunray)
BattleDroid: It appears that a Mr. Harry Potter is here to see you Sir.
Nute: Who?!
(harry tosses the droids to the side with his wand)
HarryPotter: I want to know who stole the floating car!!!
Nute: Floating car??!!
HarryPotter: (lifts Gunray up in the air with his wand) Tell me now or I'll burn you into dust!!!
Nute: Qui Gon Jinn did it!!
HarryPotter: Oh yea? and where can i find this..QUIGON JINN?
DarthMaul: Thats it!! I've had enough of you.. (kicks Potter in the face and force flings him through a window and potter plummets to his death)
DarthMaul: much better.
.....

 

Potter: Ha, nice try.
(Runs off to find Qui-Gon)

The City of Naboo
Panaka: Okay, I will run over there, and when I give the secret signal you will know the coast is clear.
All: Okay
(Panaka runs over to the other side of street.)
Panaka (yelling): All Clear!!!
(Fire of noisemaker and some firecrackers. No droids notice. They run into the hangar.)
Amidala: Kill them all!
Qui-Gon: I was already going to do that!
(Door opens, Maul is standing there.)
Maul: You old man, you have gotten older since the last time I saw you.
Qui-Gon: You are inferior to... THIS!
(Throws bomb at Maul, Maul deflects it at Harry Potter, who is caught off guard and is never seen again.)
Maul: You, young Jedi, don't you want to get in the customary insult before we begin?
Obi-Wan: Okay, you're so gay.
( All share a good laugh.)
Maul: You know, you guys are all right. Too bad I gots to kill ya. Now, why don't you just be good boys and die?
Qui-Gon: You first.
...

 

Maul: Errr... (lights up his doubled sided lightsaber)
Obiwan: (lights his lightsaber)
QuiGon: Hold on.. lets fight somewhere with huge energy stuff!!
Maul: You mean this Reactor Core room with huge empty spaces?
Obiwan: How convenient!
QuiGon: Anakin.. I'll go kill this flaming sith while you go hide somewhere.
(they enter the Reactor room)
Anakin: WIZARD!!!
(just as anakin is running away, harry potter stops him dead in his tracks with his wand; its now a battle between Anakin and Harry)
(cuts to Padme)
Padme: And we'll kill the Viceroy Finally!!!
(padme and her troops take the long way to Gunray)
(cuts to Jar jar and his gungan army facing off against the battle droids....

 

Potter: This is for wrecking my flying car!
Anakin: And this is for Qui-Gon dying!
Potter: He dies?
Anakin: Oh yes,(shoots Potter in the knee.)
Potter: You'll be sorry for that! (punches Anakin)
Anakin: You'll be Dead!!! (pushes Potter into a reactor. takes Potter's wand.)
Anakin: WIZARD!
Potter(in ghostly voice): You haven't seen the last of me, I was already ressurected once! HAHAHAHAHAHA

Padme: Those things keep coming back.
Panaka: The throne room's the other way!
(droids encircle them.)
Padme: Put down your weapons, they win this round.

Gunray: Ah yes, at last, your majesty, you are in my possession.
Padme: You will not get the pleasure of killing me.
Gunray: Oh really?
Padme: Oh yes (gets guns out of her throne, shoots guards. Laughs diabolically for ten minutes.)
Padme: Now, we will discuss a new treaty. And it shall be called he treaty of Brest Litvosk.
Gunray: I think not.
Padme: So be it. (shoots gunray's knee with her laser.)
(Sidious appears)
Sidious: Yes, what is it?
Padme: Hey, you're Palpatine!
Sidious: No, no I'm not.
Padme: Yes you are, no one could miss that. You look exactly like him.

(Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan,and Maul are locked in a ferocious battle.)

Qui-Gon: Take this! (strikes at maul)
Maul: No, you take this. (blocks Jinn)

 

(cuts back to the battle)
BattleDroid: Lets take em out!!! (shoot their blasters from all sides at the Gungans)
(the gungans force field suddenly disappears)
Gungan: Ouch time.
JarJar: Time for new plan boyos!
(the battle stops)
JarJar: Wesa challenge yousa droids to a basketball game!!
Droid: We accept..
(the gungans drop their weapons and put on basketball uniforms)
Droid: NOT!!!!! (they continue to shoot)

(cuts back to the lightsaber fight)
(Maul slashes at qui gon who blocks his attack)
(obiwan grabs Maul in a headlock but gets his armpit cut from Mauls horns)
(obiwan ignites his lightsaber and cuts one of Mauls horns off)
Maul: You'll pay for that!!!
QuiGon: Charge it to my Visa BITCH!! (head butts Maul who falls down the pit)
(qui gon and obiwan have a moment to breath)
QuiGon: You.. alright?
Obiwan: Well my arms bleeding.. but its only a flesh wound!
QuiGon: Heres some nice boiling hot coffee to cure that! (qui gon tosses some hot coffee onto obiwan)
Obiwan: AGGHHH!!!!!!
QuiGon: HAHAHA quit being a baby!!
(its a moment of eery silence)
(they look over the edge)
(nothing is there; Obiwan looks to Quigon)
Obiwan: For a minute there I thought we were..
(maul jumps out of nowhere)
Maul: ...Stew? Shiskabob? ..Julian fries??
Obiwan: No actually I thought we were dead.. but you were close..
QuiGon: Choose your next selection.
Maul: I will take famous chefs for 500.
QuiGon: Ok.. (pulls out a card from his pocket) Who was the famous chef that.. DID THIS!!
(suddenly slices off obiwans right hand)
Obiwan: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
QuiGon: Shh.. If we make it look like i have turned evil then he won't kill us!!.. whoops should't have said that outloud.
Maul: You need to be punished!!
QuiGon: Err... FLAMER!!!
(Qui gon and maul have a huge high flying fight)
(maul jumps to qui gon and stabs him in the gut)
QuiGon: Obiwan.. Train the boy!!!!!
Obiwan: Hell no!!!
QuiGon: Do it or I'll cut off your other hand!!!
Maul: Hey your supposed to put up a fight... (Maul is now depressed but then looks over to Obiwan)
Maul: Oh well..Your next!! Your master has fallen to his death!! BWAHAHAHA!!!
QuiGon: I'm not completely dead. (qui gon gets back up)
Maul: Ah hell.

 

Obiwan: Master some coffee!! (throws QuiGon some Mochachino coffee)
(Qui Gon guzzles it down)
(suddenly a burst of evil energy fills qui gons eyes)
QuiGon: You die now. (cuts Maul in half)
Maul: (stunned) (falls into two pieces)
QuiGon: HAHA! Dead clown you are!!! (but as he is about to walk away mauls half body bites at his leg)
Maul: Your going to be my slave forever!!!!
(suddenly obiwan slams mauls face to the floor)
Maul: Yes.. more!!!
Obiwan: (disgusted look)
QuiGon: You know what there Mr Maul? I gots me a thermal!! (takes out a thermal detanator)
Obiwan: HEHEHEH!!! Yea! Kill that sunnabitch pop!!
QuiGon: (attaches a thermo detanator on mauls head) Stay frosty a**hole!!! (qui gon and obiwan jump away from the explosion but both get burnt very badly)
Obiwan: Well that was rather anti climatic...
QuiGon: Hey!!! Lets go cut up some droids over there!!
(they cut the droids up into tiny little pieces)
(both of them have a good laugh for 6 minutes)
(qui gon suddenly falls to the floor)
Obiwan: More coffee your Majesty?
(poors some coffee into qui gons eyes)
QuiGon: HAHAHH! (kicks obiwan in the face) Listen you sorry excuse for a jedi.. go into my room.. destroy ALL of my coffee stash.. I don't want those senate bastards taking any of it..
Obiwan: but master.. we killed them all.. you remember that..
QuiGon: Well.. (sighs) Remember that time when I cut off Jar Jars lips?
Obiwan: Ah Yea.. (laughs and wipes a tear away) Good times.
QuiGon: the reason I brang it up was... because OF THIS!!! (headbutts obiwan in the face)
Obiwan: OOOWWW!!!!! Only now do I understand your headbutts!
QuiGon: That you do my weakminded rubber ducky.... Which reminds me.. (takes out his rubber ducky)
Obiwan: the rubber ducky of the republic?!! .. but I couldn't!!!
QuiGon: It must be destroyed you hear me?
Obiwan: Yea yea.. (puts it in his pocket) so wanna blow this place to smithereens?
QuiGon: (grins) You just read my mind.
(they plant explosives everywhere)
(they sit in the floaty car and watch the place explode while eating popcorn)
Building: KABOOM!!!!
Both: BWAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!

 

Obiwan: Now what do we do? We still have an hour left.
Qui-Gon: LETS DANCE!
Obi-wan: I'm dancin' like a monkey!

All you need is love!

 

Obiwan: Hey lets do the Safety Dance!!
QuiGon: (sings) We can dance if we want to.. we can leave your friends behind.. cuz if they don't dance and if they don't dance.. then there.. no friends of mine!!

 

(Darth Maul is laying on his back, his bottom half had fallen on top of him and he's got something of his own in his mouth)

Maul: "Daaaaaaaamn, I'm goooooooooood!"

 

So wadda we do now, Outlaw Yoda? Tupolov?

 

(whoa whoa! the stories not over yet!!)

(anakin that little hot shot flew his plane and saved the day, and in the end some Gungans died.. some ships blew up and some pilots fried. Alot of folks were croaken.. the Battle Droids were broken!)

(Qui gon suddenly is laughing away and then he dies)
QuiGon: Train.. the boy... (faints)
Obiwan: W00T!! OH yea!! My paycheck for the sequel is gonna be HUGE!!! and I get a beard!!!
Anakin: (slaps Padmes butt) YIPPEE!!!!!
Obiwan: Quiet you annoying little prick.. (kicks anakin into new Jar Jar)
(cuts to Nute Gunray flying away from Naboo escaping his death sentence)
(cuts to Yoda and Obiwan)
Yoda: Confer on you.. the level of killing you did on Coruscant.. the Council does.. but agree with your taking this boy as your Padawan Learner I do not!!!

 

*anakin glares at Yoda*
Anakin: I'm gonna lay the Smackdown on your tiny green candy ass, WHAT!? Anakin 3:16, WHAT!?
Yoda: Smacked your mother I did.
Anakin: nu-uh! No you di'nt! You don't know me! *pile drives yoda*
Mace: 1...2...th- oh!
Yoda: Begun, the mud-wrestling has.
Padme: PIIIEEEEEEEE!!

All you need is love!

 

Palpatine: We are indebted to you for your bravery Obi-Wan Kenobi. Is is a shame Master Qui-Gon choked on some brocolli and died. I hear we are cremating him today.
Anakin: Yes, it was a fun day. I killed a wizard. It was so WIZARD!
Obi-Wan: It is lucky that the senate approved the usage of tactical nuclear bombs in the gungan battle. Never before have so many things died in one day.
Palpatine: The senate authprised no such thing. Besides, it would have been better if someone had not smuggled them into Theed and destroyed the city.
Obi-Wan: Eh...
***

Yoda: Confer on you, the level of a Jedi Knight, the council does. Also agree with you taking this boy as your padawan learner, I do indeed!
Obi-Wan: Thank you uncle Yoda.
Yoda: Uncle?
Obi-Wan: Oh yes.
Yoda: Tell me the last moments of you and Qui-Gon.
Obi-Wan: Okay, he dropped to the floor and said 'Obi-Wan, train the boy or I'll kill you from beyond the grave'. Then maul pops up and I say 'Not now you idiot' and shoot him with my rocket launcher. It was sad.

(Everyone is watching the cremation.)

Salesman: Hot dogs, get your hot dogs!
Anakin: You idiot (throws hot coffee in his face and cuts him into microscopic pieces. Everyone gets a good laugh.)
Windu: You're alright kid.

Festival

Jar-Jar rides in on his Kaadu and falls off. He then accidentily drops the orb that Amidala gives Boss Nass.

Movie Ends

Not that's entertainment.
...

 

(After end credits)
Yoda apears on the screen, he's laying on on some tropic island on the beach drinking a cold beer.
Yoda: Ahhh... with me the force is...
(takes a sip)
Screen goes black

 

That's Hilarious! I vote we play this game for Episode II as well!

 

I'll second the motion.

 

I third the motion!

 

yay!!! I second it even further!!!!
thank you guys for helping!!!
now begins Episode 2!!!
i shall start a new thread!!


BTW: the other people who just joined in, please stay longer and add more onto the next ones It would help make it funnier!!!
And the rest of this thread can be for anyone wanting to add any Deleted Scenes to The Phantom Menace!!!

 

STARt it already!!!

 

After credits end


ObiWan: Anakin, are you at all sad about Master QuiGon's death?
Anakin: Very, he killed things.
ObiWan: You know what'll make you feel better?
Anakin: No, what?
ObiWan: This! (fires laser into ewok home killing millions of ewoks.
Anakin: HAHHAHAHAHAHA
ObiWan: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
QuiGon: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Anakin: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Obiwan: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Quigon: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Anakin: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Obiwan: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Quigon: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Anakin: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Obiwan: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Quigon: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

All you need is love!

 

Deleted Scene
(during one of the sandstorms)
(the sand is blowing in their faces)
QuiGon: Anakin!!!!
Anakin: What?
QuiGon: This Sandstorm rocks!!!
Anakin: WHAT?!
QuiGon: You suck ****!!!!!!
Anakin: I heard that one!!!
(anakin force lifts qui gon into a nearby Twister)
QuiGon: HAHAHAHAH!!!!
(cuts back to Obiwan)
Obiwan: Is that.. (squints his eyes) Ah god. would someone please tell me why Qui Gon is in that little twister?
(suddenly darth maul drives by and jumps off his speeder)
Maul: I know why.
Obiwan: Oh you do?
Maul: Yes I do.
Obiwan: Hey aren't you Alf?
Maul: yes yes.. I am.
Obiwan: Good God man what happened to you?
Maul: Sith.
Obiwan: Ah yea.
Maul: Yea.. (lights up a cigarette) I was sent here to kill ya.
Obiwan: hehe.. (points to him like its a joke) good one.
Maul: No seriously.. I am going to cut you into 6 trillions pieces and serve you to my master.
Obiwan: HAHAAHAH!!! man!! your too funny!!
Maul: *sits and waits for qui gon to fall from the twister* So.. how long is he gonna be up there?
Obiwan: Oh.. probably a couple of days..
Maul: *looks to Obiwan* *then looks to his watch* Well he'd better hurry up. Macguyver is on in 20 minutes.