'Glorified Bounty hunters' ~ a fanfic

Discussion in 'Vancouver, BC' started by DAKAI_SERAKI, Nov 22, 2002.

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  1. DAKAI_SERAKI Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 7, 2002
    star 3
    ok, I did this fanfic awhile ago, but I made a lot of adjustments to the story.

    I't basically about a mandalorian stealth expert named Dakai Seraki (yes, my namesake). It was at the time before the war with the jedi, and after jaster mereel had passed on.

    Well, here it is, enjoy:

    PROLOGUE


    "Me? I'm not important..... I'm a mandalore warrior. It's all I can tell you." I said. I was tied hard to a chair, bruised and battered, and had no idea where I was. Only that it seemed to be in a warehouse; they drugged me, but I kept focus on what I needed to do.....

    "At least tell me your name, kid..." said a man in the shadows... He looked like a trandoshan....

    "My name is......." I started to giggle...

    "Shut up, and tell me your name, kid!" said the trandoshan

    "my name.....is....." I started to speak louder.."Jango! now!"

    All of a sudden the doors slammed open, and dozens of my freinds and allies came barging in with their big rifles, mandalore armor, and most importantly, our leader: Jango.

    "I was begginning to think you weren't gonna signal us, Dakai...." said Jango

    "I was begginning to think you weren't here yet..." I replied, smirking.

    "wha....what is this?!?!?!?" said the trandoshan.

    "Denass Pelnew, you and all your slimy freinds are under arrest for the murder of Wookie senator Yarua." said Silas, a young warrior among the ranks, like myself. Silas was like a brother to me....

    "you know what to do..." said jango, "Cuff him, and let's go home"

    I smiled, and then passed out.......

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    so, whad'ja think so far?
  2. Azeria_Jade Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2001
    star 4
    Interesting start, more please.
  3. DAKAI_SERAKI Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 7, 2002
    star 3
    woah! THE azeria jade replying in my fanfic topic?!?!?!? holy ****!!!! and she thinks it's good?!?!?!?!? holy ****!!!!! and I'm gonna continue?!?!?!?Holy ****!!!!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Prologue (cont.)

    As I walked into my small room that I shared with my freind, Silas, I had finally realized that I had gotten a cut on my forehead from that last mission..........

    "Woah, Dakai! You need more bandages! the ones on your head are already leaking red!" exclaimed Silas, getting up from reading a magazine he got 3 months ago.....

    "wha?.... re...red?" I said, trying not to faint. "I.... I can't feel my face......"

    "And with good reason, Dakai." said Silas, as he nudged me so I would walk to the medic room. "you're loosing a lot of blood; but not enough to kill you, thank the force..." He was kinda like a big brother. Always stickin' up for me, worrying about me whenever I was ill.

    The expession on Silas' face was always the same: blank; no emotion. He was only a little nore experienced than me, but I guess the soldiers are different from stealh experts and spies, like me....

    I wonder if Silas really cared about me, or if Jango just stuck him in the same room as me to keep me out of trouble. "Well, it didn't matter", I thought to myself. "We mandalorians are supposed to be ruthless and cunning."

    But I was different............
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  4. Azeria_Jade Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2001
    star 4
    Heh heh, The Azeria Jade, has a nice ring to it.

    Here's a few suggestions: You don't need to have .......... at the end of a sentence, one period is good enough! ;)

    Remember to capatalize at the begining of a sentence.

    Try adding a little more descriptive bulk to give the readers more of a sense of surroundings.

    Nice job!
  5. MASTER_OBI-DAN Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 30, 2002
    star 4
    ?woah! THE azeria jade?.?

    [face_laugh]
    This is a very good start, Dave. ;) I especially love the first-person narration by the character Dakai Seraki. :D
    />
  6. DAKAI_SERAKI Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 7, 2002
    star 3
    oh! before I forget, Here's the color scheme for dakai's armor

    Argh!!!! I hate it when the links don't work!
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