Before Green was the saber... [Death Challenge Response]

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by DaenaBenjen42, Mar 18, 2011.

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  1. DaenaBenjen42 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 15, 2005
    star 5
    Title: Green was the saber...
    Author: DaenaBenjen42
    Genre: drama/angst
    Disclaimer: Happily borrowing, glad to return when done.
    Notes: This is for the Death Challenge wherein I had to had #7: Yoda, who had to be "struck down in lightsaber practice."

    ~*~*~*~

    Green. Glowing green. It was the last thing he remembered seeing before everything went dark and his world dissolved into silence and darkness. Green... with a red hue. Did it happen? Could he admit to himself that it did happen? Maybe the longer he sat here on the soft, soft ground, the less he would remember.

    Darkness and silence were his constant companions. Had been since it, that thing that involved a green blade and a fatal mistake, happened. It was safe, here in the silence, in the darkness.

    He remembered screaming, and then not being able to hear himself scream anymore, and then everything had gone dark. As dark as the darkest night in the lowest halls of the temple.

    He remembered walking, being led in this utter darkness he'd found himself in. The hands had been careful, but nothing beyond touch registered. Had it happened? Was it real? Those two questions echoed into the silence and back to him again and again, their meaning making him shiver.

    Something warm was draped around him... it felt like a blanket. But why? He wasn't cold. Just... lost. Lost in the darkness. And the silence.

    Hours or days passed, it made no difference because in the darkness time had no meaning.

    Slowly, very slowly... the darkness lifted. The silence became less so... until he found himself in his room, laying on his bed on his side, staring at the wall. It... it...

    "It happened," a voice from near to his head told him carefully, and he lifted his head to find his master watching him from a foot away, an expression of relief written on his face.

    "Master?" His own voice sounded odd to him, horse, as if he hadn't spoken in a long time.

    "It happened," his Master said again. "You know what it is, Obi-Wan."

    "Master Yoda." It wasn't a question, but it made his master wince all the same. "I tripped. He fell forward."

    "And then?"

    "Darkness."

    His master nodded carefully. "Yes."

    "Didn't mean to..."

    "We know, Obi-Wan. We know."

    Later they would talk about his time in the darkness and the silence, and visit with the healers, but for right here and right now, Master and Padawan shared a moment of silence for the dead.

    There is no death. There is the Force.


    Fini...
  2. earlybird-obi-wan Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 21, 2006
    star 6
    Wonderful response to the challenge with Qui-Gon gentle and helping Obi-Wan after the terrible accident.
  3. Ubersue Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 1, 2008
    star 3
    Oh, poor Yoda, died like a chump. That's gotta be embarassing. :p And poor Obi-Wan!

    Great job of pulling this off without being goofy, and still keeping Yoda's dignity intact. This can't have been an easy challenge. =D=

    *EDIT* Okay, let me rephrase that, because it was late when I posted and I was sleepy...

    I don't think I could write a "Yoda died from a lightsaber accident" story without making it some silly slapstick, but you played it straight and pulled it off believably and beautifully. That was an awesome use of (what seems to me) a very difficult prompt.
  4. Luna_Nightshade Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jan 25, 2006
    star 5
    Great way to address the challenge in a roundabout way. Very creative and well described. At first I thought it was Yoda speaking until the end. Great response to the challenge.
  5. Raphire Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 19, 2008
    star 4
    Very nice! The irony was there without making yoda seem like a fool.

    I'm impressed.
  6. Briannakin Grand Moff Darth Fanfic Manager

    Manager
    Member Since:
    Feb 25, 2010
    star 4
    Wow. That was AMAZING =D=@};-. You have to feel bad for both Obi-Wan and Yoda. Great interpretation and response to the challenge.
  7. The_Nerfherder Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 19, 2010
    star 1
    Gotta echo everyone else - that couldn't possibly be an easy challenge, but you really pulled it off. Nicely done! =D=
  8. KELIA Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 26, 2005
    star 6
    :_|:_|:_|:_|

    And I normally don't read stories where my beloved Yoda dies but this one was well written and worth reading.

    I'm glad to see Qui helping Obi in the end.

    Great response to the challenge


    =D= =D= =D= =D=
  9. mavjade It's so Fluffy Fanfic & New Movies Manager

    Manager
    Member Since:
    Sep 10, 2005
    star 5
    Wow!

    What a difficult challenge, to kill Yoda! I really enjoyed how you did this! (Does that make me sound like an awful person?? [face_worried] ) It was not quite direct, which made it interesting, especially in the beginning when you are not quite sure who the narrator is.

    Poor Obi-wan, what an awful thing to go through!

    Great job, Daena! =D=
  10. Onderon1 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 18, 2008
    star 4

    :eek:

    Very well-done, Daena. Yoda dying in a lightsaber accident sounds absurd, on the surface, but you've made it work.

    And I wonder what age Obi-Wan is, here? I think we sometimes remember the Negotiator more than we remember "Oafie-Wan," who could theoretically have caused this ... :_|

    Excellent piece. =D=

    - [face_peace]
    Onderon1
  11. Jade_Max Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jun 28, 2002
    star 5
    That was a tough challenge! Yikes.

    I liked the fell of serenity that seemed to permeate the piece, though. Almost as if death, as you say in the last line, is only a new beginning.

    Very well done and the tone of the vig was perfect for the character!
  12. FelsGoddess Game Host

    Game Host
    Member Since:
    Sep 5, 2004
    star 5
    Loved the style this was written in. Really enjoyed how you wrote Obi-Wan's swirling emotions.

    Great challenge response!
  13. The Great No One Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jun 4, 2005
    star 8
    *pokes head in*

    very nice first foray into before.

    definitely a very well done tone, and comes across as the feel of someone a bit disoriented, not sure what to think and very distraught.
  14. tjace Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Feb 11, 2008
    star 4
    Great stuff, especially love the title.
  15. DaenaBenjen42 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 15, 2005
    star 5
    earlybird-obi-wan: Thank you, earlybird. :)

    Ubersue: No, it wasn't easy to do. Thank you, Ubersue. :)

    Luna_Nightshade: There was a challenge a while back having to do with POV's one does not normally touch with a ten-foot-pole. Figured it was a good time to try it (the POV I don't normally go to) again. Thank you, Luna. :)

    Raphire: Thank you, Raphire. [:D]

    Briannakin: Thank you. :)

    The_Nerfherder: Thank you. :)

    KELIA: [:D] [:D] [:D] Thank you, Kelia! [:D]

    mavjade: I really enjoyed how you did this! (Does that make me sound like an awful person?? [face_worried] )

    Nope!

    It was not quite direct, which made it interesting, especially in the beginning when you are not quite sure who the narrator is.

    It's a small thing, there with the not-quite-directness... because up until Qui-Gon spoke, I wasn't sure who had done the accidental and tragic deed.

    Thank you, Mav. :)

    Onderon1: Sort of "before there was The Negotiator, there was a much shorter kid in his place"? Thank you, Onderon. :)

    Jade_Max: Thank you, Jade_Max. :)

    FelsGoddess: Thank you. :)

    Trimaj: Who was more surprised, I wonder? Me or you? Thank you, Tri. :)

    tjace: Thank you, and I was happy to find out you loved the title. :)
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