Before Grief - a snapshot - obi/Qui complete

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Seraphena, Oct 7, 2003.

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  1. Seraphena Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 20, 2003
    star 3
    Author's Note: I don't own them, just play. Constructive Criticism welcome, have reviewer, unfortunatly she doesn't know much about Star Wars
    ** speaking through a bond
    // Memories
    ________________________________


    When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
    When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.
    I held your hand through all of these years.
    But you still have...
    All of me.
    My Immortal by Evanescence


    The pyre burned in silence. Greedy flames devoured cloth and metal slowly. No one spoke, no one moved, locked into living statutes heads bowed and bared to the elements. Only one stood with their hood raised. Pain bowed shoulders and grief curved the proud spine. The hood obscured any features and voluminous clothing made him anonymous in the sea of brown and creams. Smoke spiral to the heavens and the glowing coals reduced everything to ash. There was no face to look up, no bitter scent of burning flesh. The Force had some mercy on those crowded here and had taken it servant even as its final beat echoed.

    The crowd dispersed leaving the grieving to three, an ancient creature stood offering what comfort he could through a bond that had withered away with the years. On the other side a dark skin man waited concern deep in his eyes.

    The man lowered his hood, grief in every line on his face and blinding in his blue eyes. Tears coursed down his face and oblivious he knelt by the remnants of the pyre struggling inside to try to understand.


    The fabric was almost all ash, and the metal was starting to melt. How many time had he guided the hands on that saber stepping through the Katas. How many months had they sat down to plan out the design?
    Tears fell faster.

    / He woke to the sound of screaming through their bond. He dashed into the other room and found his padawan shivering, curled up into a ball. His gathered the boy up blankets and all and just held him. His large hands rubbed his back soothingly until the crying stopped and finally the even sound of breathing said he had had fallen back asleep. /

    Strong hand gripped his shoulder and his best friend stood behind him and the Jedi Master gripped one of those hands tightly. They helped him stand and along side his ancient master they travel down silent corridors.

    How many times had his padawan, his son, dashed down these same halls only to be admonished for running? How many time had they traveled through them together exhausted from mission, or celebrating a new thing learned?

    / ?Master, Come and see.? An excited voice called from his room.
    The taller Jedi opened his padawan?s door to see several books, datapads, and chips floating around the ceiling.
    He laughed and reached out and mussed up the neatly combed hair.
    ?That's wonderful. How about we try the same thing to clean the room.?
    Laughing eyes looked up at him. ?Where?s the fun in that.?/

    Their quarters were silent, and they would be forever. He could not believe that no longer would he hear the sound of his laughter or be a victim to youthful pranks. That was gone now. Had he done something wrong? Had he not trained him sufficiently. He was alone now and he would always be. This hurt too much, and he didn?t want to ever go through it again.

    The door to one of the rooms opened and a small boy stepped up to the couch. His own eyes were red rimmed and swollen. To young to understand why the man he depended on was hurt so. All he knew was his friend, his brother was gone. He tried to reach his master through the bond, but it was closed. His own eyes, gray with grief looked at the man sitting on the couch.

    *Please Master.* he called but no one answered. He looked to the others in the room. They didn?t seem to notice it. A chill shivered up his spine and ginger haired boy crept back into his room and cried all alone.
  2. Lady_Banshee Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 19, 2003
    star 1
    That's very chilling. Good work.
  3. Phoenix_Reborn Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 23, 2003
    star 4
    Nice Seraphena...very good!
  4. Seraphena Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 20, 2003
    star 3
    This was a first for me, I am really glad you liked it.
    Lady Banshee - I was hoping for that response.

    PR- Thanks that means a great deal
  5. obi_ew Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 14, 2002
    star 5
    Very moving and well written for a first attempt. Especially loved the emotion you described so well, I could almost feel their pain and misery. Hope to see more soon. :)
  6. jacen200015 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 11, 2002
    star 4
    This is very good for a newbie. :) Seriously you did a great job. hmmm. perhaps you could make this involve into a story? ;)
  7. Lady_Banshee Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 19, 2003
    star 1
    I was hoping for that response.

    Happy to give it. :D
  8. Seraphena Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 20, 2003
    star 3
    obi_ew: thanks, the first time is always the hardest and I appreciate all feedback

    jacen200015: It might just be a part of one I am working on now, it will be re-written a bit. Then again I don't want to spoil anything

    Lady_Banshee: :)
  9. LuvEwan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 24, 2002
    star 4
    Their quarters were silent, and they would be forever. He could not believe that no longer would he hear the sound of his laughter or be a victim to youthful pranks. That was gone now. Had he done something wrong? Had he not trained him sufficiently. He was alone now and he would always be. This hurt too much, and he didn?t want to ever go through it again.

    :_|

    Great job, Seraphena. Very moving and dark. :)
  10. Seraphena Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 20, 2003
    star 3
  11. Xanatos_son_of_Crion Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 27, 2003
    star 2

    OOooohhhhh!

    That. Was. Awsome.

    Very dark, very sad. I loved it.
  12. Obi the Kid Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 13, 2000
    star 4
    No constructive criticism needed here. This is excellent! You did a great job of conveying such emotional pain into a short story.

    Looking forward to what you may be writing next.
  13. Seraphena Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 20, 2003
    star 3
    Xanatos_son_of_Crion: thank you
    Obi the Kid: Always appreciate constructive critism!!! Have another story Unitl the Dawn. THanks for reading!
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