Saga Hey, Are we Elite Yet? (Humor.) (The misadventures of a wannabe Empire and a makeshift Rebellion.)

Necesities


Title: Hey, Are we Elite Yet?
Author(s): Lady-Hermione
Timeframe: The Saga
Characters: Original characters
Genre: Humor
Summary: Follow the misadventures of a wannabe Empire and a makeshift Rebellion as their ragtag teams emulate to their best potential the heroic and villainous feats of their favorite galactic icons.


Author's Notes:

No. I didn't die. Sorry, guys.

So, hey, here we go! My triumphant return to the boards. Er, or my return, at least. The following story, Hey, Are we Elite Yet?, is a parody that will be split up into at least three posts, but possibly more. In that galaxy far, far away, war has become an element of pop culture-- so much so that would-be Rebellions and Empires have erputed all throughout the galaxy. We peer into the lives of the soldiers in two of these such groups as they battle each other in the name of peace, order, liberty, and... well, following the battle cult trend.

I have some belated congratulations to issue. I'm very proud of everyone who won SFFA awards, and you know that I love you all and would shower you with roses if I could. However... I have to specifically congratulate kayladie97, better known to me as Mom! I saw your awards won in your signature-- you go Mom wit' ya bad self!


------------------------------------------------------



Hey, Are we Elite Yet?




Undoubtedly, you?ve heard of a galaxy far, far away, one that existed so very long before our own. You?ve marveled at the chronicles of its brave heroes as they fought in an epic galactic war, a noble Republic clashing against an oppressive Empire of sinister corruption. You?ve watched in awe and wonder the cinematic adaptations of this fantastical galaxy?s many adventures. You?ve posted on message boards why several of said adventures contain curious ?plot holes? as you?ve dubbed them-- for instance, only yesterday you informed your virtual correspondents for the fiftieth time just why a bounty hunter could not miss a target that sat two feet in front of him.

You are, of course, wrong. The Maker of aforementioned galaxy is a Being of such eccentricity that anything is possible. Anything. Yes, even a boy finding his supposedly dead father to be an alive and well Sith Lord and finding two years later that his love interest is also a twin spawn of the galaxy?s black-armored menace. The Maker finds this poignant, shocking, and also a little funny.

Of all the many stories you?ve heard about the beloved galaxy of our tale, I?m willing to wager that you have yet to experience the jaded chronicles of Jernigan, Murdoc, and Orandre. You see, dear friends, this ensemble of eclectic extraterrestrials were tied into the fate of their gargantuan galaxy just the same as your familiar, er, ?Luke Skywalker?, as I believe you call him. (I won?t dishearten your admiration for the hero in question by informing you that his actual name is Joe Cracker. My associate informs me that his rather plain name detracts from the mysticism of his story and was accordingly changed when they recorded his tale.) The tenacious trio of travelers known as Jernigan, Murdoc, and Orandre has their own set of adventures, full of intrigue and excitement and stuff blowing up, but we only have time for one of their tales today. So relax, oh lovers of literature, and allow yourself to get lost in the chronicled exploits of they who would be elite.




______________________________________________________

Part One: Uberfastus and the Princes of the Universe


It is a time of war.

The Rebel Alliance and the Empire are locked in never-ending battle, but they don?t really matter. Not if you?re Gray Lord Uberfastus, anyhow. ?Where are those reports, Commander?!? The poor-man?s-black garbed ruler demanded as he practiced his intimidating stride before a long reflection port.

?What reports?? The Commander frowned. He has a name, but Uberfastus doesn?t bother to recall the name of inferiors, so neither shall

 

Waves fingers over touchpad, ?you know this story is funny?

j00 mad3 a v3ry 3nt3rtaining story th3r3... oh no! I gave myself away, I am with RATPU.

That was good, I am looking forward to finding out more about the wannabes.

 

Daughter!! Where ya been? I've missed your funny stuff!

Thanks for your congrats on my wins in the SFFA. I still don't quite believe it myself.

Now on to this story...

Utterly hilarious, as usual!

Yes, even a boy finding his supposedly dead father to be an alive and well Sith Lord and finding two years later that his love interest is also a twin spawn of the galaxy?s black-armored menace. The Maker finds this poignant, shocking, and also a little funny.

GL is nothing if not a lover of amazing coincidences, isn't he?

And you know, I only learned about the IceCreamGuy in ESB a month or so ago, so I would never have gotten that reference before, but now that I do, it's really funny!

Love Lord Uberfastus practicing his walk and the billowing of his cape, because of course, those kinds of things are so important for a Gray Lord. And I think it takes quite a bit of skill to fashion a Star Destroyer out of krazy glue and old ship parts!

RATPU?!?! Now THAT'S funny! I can imagine Commander Commander's confusion.

If the 'bad guys' are this funny, I can't wait to meet Orandre, Murdoc and Jernigan.

More soon. [jewish_mother_voice]And don't be gone so long next time! You know I worry! And you never call. Are you getting enough to eat?[/voice]

 

This is great!

 

Altaira:I am glad j00 lik3d it, RATPU secret operative! By the way, "He's a dog so we call him Dog..." ? LOL! I saw that in your signature and thought it was so funny. But if I got another dog, I'd name him Cat.

kayladie97: Mom! I have no valid excuses other than being bitten by Spider-Man 2 hype and thus having had no interest in Star Wars until it died down. I'm currently obsessed with Justice League/Batman/Superman stuff. I'm weird like that... I go through phases of hype, and when I'm in one, I don't want much to do with my other fandoms.

My friend and I always laugh about Ice Cream Guy's cult following, so his bit was a little wink to that aformentioned friend.

I didn't intend this to be a humor story when I sat down to write it. That same friend wanted me to write a story about Jernigan, Murdoc, and Orandre-- three characters we created and used in a Star Wars RPG about half a year ago. But you know me... it seems that I can't write without being a goofball. Oh well... it makes it more fun that way.

I'm eating Salt and Vinegar chips right now-- don't worry, Ma, I'm getting my fill!





StarFighter5: Thanks! Good to see you and I hope you'll stick about. I'm glad that you enjoyed the first part!

 

Ooh, I know what you mean by other fandoms. I've not seen any fanfic written about it, but I've become obsessed with Matt Damon in The Bourne Identity and The Bourne Supremacy. I've seen the second one three times now! Then I went out and bought all three books by Robert Ludlum.

It's a good thing I never took up drinking or drugs, what with my addictive personality!

 

Lady-Hermione

I probably should not explain but I?m a Columbo fan. Dog is Columbo?s Bassett Hound. I just saw the show where Dog wins at the Dog Show and he explains his name or lack of. My friend did have a cat named Cat. They just called it Cat, Puss Cat or Kitty. The cat was 15 years old and they never got around to naming it. My friend now has a girl dog is named Sir. I thought it was a boy for many years. I never looked.

RATPU signing off...

 

This is so funny, Lady-Hermione!!! I laughed from the opening paragraphs to the end sentence! These are some of my favorite parts:

?One day, Vader, I will reach your level of Mastery!? Uberfastus declared as he shook a fist at the Darth Vader poster that was plastered onto his bedroom wall. It was life-sized and autographed with, ?To Uberfastus: if ever I see you again, I will kill you and thus rid the galaxy of 73% of its idiocy. Wishing you the best, Lord Darth Vader.? Uberfastus cherished it above all of his possessions, even his Star Destroyer. Well, it wasn?t really a Star Destroyer-- someone had krazy-glued together a bunch of ship parts he had found on Tatooine at some place called Watto?s. But Uberfastus told everyone that it was genuine, and that the knocking noises they heard in the engines were just testament to its endless amount of power. In actuality, it was the wrench he had dropped in there last week when trying to fix the busted carburetor.


<Uberfastus, j00 are own3d. Surr3nd3r and j00 may r3c3iv3 m3rcy. j00 suk and so does j00r mom.>

Now, the Gray Lord wasn?t entirely sure about the strange code that RATPU used in their messages, but he gathered the gist that war was impending, and that his mother had been insulted. Enraged, Uberfastus sprung from his chair and stormed the corridor to alert his warriors that the tine for war had come. He was a bit too enthusiastic in his departure of the computer terminal, however, and consequently tripped over his flowing gray cape. Naturally, his new Commander (for he had killed the old one, as we recall) was present to witness this spectacle. ?ASS? istance, M?Lord?? the officer offered.

The Commander stood rooted to the spot, dumbfounded, as Uberfastus walked away. After a moment, he decided to go and compulsively wash his hands with Moe, a man that he realized now was the sanest of those he would encounter when it came to the self-proclaimed Princes of the Universe.

LOLOLOL! I can't wait to read more!

 

I can't believe I didn't read this earlier! This is hilarious! LOVED it! You're a very talented author, so take a bow.

 

<Uberfastus, j00 are own3d. Surr3nd3r and j00 may r3c3iv3 m3rcy. j00 suk and so does j00r mom.>


Oh my God. I don't think I've ever laughed that hard in my life. And RATPU? Genius!