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FF:QLD Hey guys I am writing up a script for an animation

Discussion in 'Oceania Discussion Boards' started by Dave_Smogcrawler, Mar 15, 2008.

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  1. Dave_Smogcrawler Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Apr 12, 2002
    star 4
    Where do I post it up to get critiques or ocmments or etc?

    Know of a good place at the moment its just stuck on my webpage.
  2. NeecH Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 14, 2003
    star 4
    Slow down there, big guy...

    It depends on a few things;

    - What kind of critique are you after? Do you just want someone to slap you on the back and tell you how great it is? Do you want someone who's going to give it a completely thorough and honest critique?

    - What kind of animation? Is there a chance that it will actually get animated or is this a pet project that you hope someone will offer to help you on once they read how genius your script is?

    - Can you handle criticism in a mature and thoughtful fashion?

    You've got a few options;

    - Take it to the Fan Film Forums and show it to people actually making films. If you do this, be prepared for a beating as the majority of them are internet critics who talk about making films and only a few of them have actually progressed past this point to actually produce something.

    - Show it to the good people here. You know most of us and we're probably more inclined to be polite about our criticism. Some of us (wink, wink) have even studied screenwriting professionally and can give you tips on structure, character development and dialogue.

    - Take it to one of the many Screenplay forums that populate the internet.
  3. Dave_Smogcrawler Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Apr 12, 2002
    star 4
    Thanks Neech I can handle criticism, I don't really want to miss anything since, its my first script. Though a little pat on the back here and there won't hurt.

    Its going to be animated soon when my friend studionightbird finish making his other stuff. He even made 20 secs of it already on [link=http://studionightbird.deviantart.com/art/Secret-War-20-mins-in-making-76633149]this page[/link]. My script on the other hand is on [link=http://groups.msn.com/MethasWritingProject]this[/link] page under Secret War projects.

    But I will post here too in episodes.
  4. Dave_Smogcrawler Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Apr 12, 2002
    star 4
    Secret War

    Ep. 1 - Intro

    [Black Screen]

    "A long time ago a war was wage between the force of light and the force of darkness, neither was the force of light good nor the darkness bad but they were seen as such by humanity. The war grew long and tedious and eventually a new force came into being seen as the Judges by Darkness and the Outcast by the Light but to themselves they were the Nameless"

    [Start with the sound of train and an image starts to form of a (presumed) man riding on a train, they wear an over coat, the door open (with door sliding sound) and another figure enter, he wears an overcoat and a broad brimmed hat]

    [The stranger approaches the other figure and the eyes underneath the hat began to glow a yellowish glow]

    [train sounds continues in the background]

    [a low growl comes from the stranger, its figure began to blur and launches itself at the other figure, claws slit out from the right sleeves and lashes out at the other]

    [the other stand at ready]


    [train sounds continue and screeching noise and metal breaking and ripping with growling noise]

    [darkness and silence]

    [new scene]

    "The war still continue on today some of the time in broad daylight..."

    [Large man in overcoat wielding a hammer and throws it at a shapeshifting monster with many people scurrying, screaming and running out of the way...hearing a crunching sound before the intro continues]

    "But mostly it happens under the cover of darkness..."

    [Its raining heavily and a figure walks through it, change to the figure's points of view to see another figure, the first figure start to rush at him, switches scene again to a mist covered area, and glowing and the mist start to explode outward, with a shadowy figure jumping outward with a presumed blade in each hand"

    "This is a war that happens everyday that hardly anyone knows about...this is the Secret War"

    [Switch back to the train scene, the first person is now seen flying backward and landing on the ball of their feet, their face and much of their bodies can't be seen but out of their hands comes a glowing energy blade, the shapeshifter continues its barage roaring as it comes forward]

    [Switch scene again to see a large greyish blurry figure barreling toward the side of the moving train...it barely hits the train]

    [Quickly switch to inside of train with it suddenly lurching and rolling from one side to the other causing utter chaos to the inside, metal creaks and rips apart, people scream and get toss about]

    [Darkness with continuous screaming, and metal breaking and crashing noises and then finally silence with some sound of a few metal still rolling about]

  5. Dave_Smogcrawler Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Apr 12, 2002
    star 4
    Ep. 2 - Friend/Foe

    [Hard rock theme song]

    [handsome guy standing on cliff face looking across the ocean....goes to across the ocean...another man standing with most of his face covered but a hand is seen with a semi visible tattoo of a snakes head on his hand with swirling dark clouds gathering around and above him]

    [switch to next scene]

    [Man in black overcoat and sunglasses, jumping and kicking at hidden shadows, a shadowy figure swipe away his glasses and his eyes are glowing red]

    [Switch scene]

    [Man with short brown hair standing on top of building bursts into dark/white flame and jumps downward tumbling and rolling as he lands on the ground with many rushing at him from all sides and the same dark white fire burst outward in rings incinerating and burning anything it touches to a crisp or dust blown in the wind]

    [Switch scene]

    [A white blur sped across the screen, diagonally upward from right to left, camera zoom to catch up to blur and can see its a beautiful woman with gold and black hair in white chinese costume with glowing energy blade coming out of both of her hands]

    [Darkness with only sounds of heavy breathing, camera angles upward, darkness is discovered only to be the dark concrete floor, camera slowly angles upward to show the very same beautiful woman that was seen before in the intro breathing heavily leaning on a brick wall, the woman is bleeding from her side]

    [Camera turn to the right side of the screen to show a road leading up to the wall, it angles upward to show a building, and on top of that building the werewolf crouching on the roof of the building and scanning and sniffing the area, he launches himself upward as he jumps across the other building, he overshadow a full moon with him shade totally in black]

    [The woman clasp her side and run to the left, the scene shift to her point of view as she runs, her vision is blurring from loss of blood, she seem to have reach her destination but was suddenly stopped by a figure cloak in darkness, she backs away suddenly only to run back into the werewolf who growls, blood loss got to her and she fell backward]


    [a new scene]

    [it is an image of a ceiling with cracks and spiderweb running across it and a lightbulb that works but hardly]

    "You got quite a figure there...pity you are way...too young for me"

    [startle the woman look to where the voice is and at the same time as if realizing something she reaches under the blanket she was wrapped in and feel around]

    "Yup you are naked as a baby's bottom"

    [the man says while blowing out rings of smoke from his cigar]

    "Quite hard to patch you up to at that"

    [As if in resignation she jumps up from the bed suddenly energy blades appear from her hand and start making her way carefully up to the man]

    "Whoah there is that anyway to treat your savior?"

    [The man continue to blow smokes completely relax]

    [The woman silent rushes up to him and was suddenly thrown back by a shockwave, a wall of air that bounces her back from where she came]

    [The woman speaks]

    "You are...TRAITOR!!!!"

    [The man can be seen smiling in the shadow]

    "Now, now you shouldn't be calling names upon first meeting"

    [The man continues]

    "Besides it was your little fight that had me most concern, my poor little grandson was in that train that you smashed up, and I haven't seen him in ages, maybe an apology is better than name calling hmmmm..."

    [The woman glares at him]

    [All of a sudden howls can be heard, getting louder and louder as if getting closer and closer]

    "I thought you took care of him"

    [The man frown standing up slowly]

    "I did, I doubt anything can survive without a head"

    [The air on the wall on the woman's side start to warp]

    [The woman quickly turns back to confront the wall grimacing holding her twin energy blades up]

    [A reddish scaly snout appears to where the woman's head had been if not for the action of the other man who suddenly sped up to where she was pull her to the side]

    [The dogs appear, three of them m
  6. NeecH Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 14, 2003
    star 4
    Ok, so I've read the first 4 episodes that you've posted in that link:

    Storywise, you've got something decent even if I keep thinking about Underworld when I read it. For an internet animation project (Flash by the look of it), it's not bad.

    Your formatting is way the **** out though and it's a little confusing to follow. This is ok, if you're working closely with the animator but if you were to pass this along to someone you didn't know, they would have a hard time figuring out what to do. There was even a part where you changed scenes mid-sentence... that's a rush job.

    I've rewritten some of the first part to give you an idea on how something like this should be written. My version is not formatted properly due to the forum's limitations but it should give you an idea - outside of this, find yourself a copy of Final Draft.

    We open on a black screen.

    "A long time ago a war was wage between the forces of light and the forces of darkness, neither was the force of light good nor the darkness bad but they were seen as such by humanity. The war grew long and tedious and eventually a new force came into being seen as the Judges by Darkness and the Outcast by the Light but to themselves they were the Nameless" (This really needs to be tightened up - it kinda drones on and comes across very cliche).

    In the blackness we hear a train, distant -- a low rumble and then screeching as it comes to a halt.

    FADE IN:

    A shape forms, it looks like a man. He wears a large overcoat and is watching the train doors, waiting.

    The doors open with a whoosh and a second figure enters. This one also wears a broad brimmed hat in addition to his long overcoat.

    The second man approaches the first, slowly, carefully.

    There's something not right about him... beneath his hat, his eyes -- are GLOWING YELLOW!

    A low growl reverberates from the second man, almost inaudible against the constant clatter of the moving train.

    Without warning, he LAUNCHES himself toward the first man, clawed hands ripping free from the sleeves of his coat.

    The first man, unbelievably stands ready to defend himself from this sudden attack.


    We hear a GUT-WRENCHING HOWL and the sound of FLESH BEING RIPPED atop of the rumble of the subway train.

    And then, the sounds fade away into the darkness.

  7. Dave_Smogcrawler Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Apr 12, 2002
    star 4
    I have a better idea join my group and then you can help rewrite it on there or post changes in the messages section so I can fix it up asap.....yeah thats a great idea muahahahaha!!! ok back to normal.

    Wow you read four episodes.....thats more than most....
  8. Dave_Smogcrawler Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Apr 12, 2002
    star 4
    actually tis not flesh being ripped it is the sounds of metal being ripped apart, and I prfer figure cos its only later reveal to be a woman not a man.
  9. NeecH Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 14, 2003
    star 4
    Ok, my mistake - it was just an example to get you started. I'm not going to re-write the entire script for you. I don't want to take it away from you and I've had problems in the past with trying to write for other people who aren't clear enough in expressing their ideas and then blame me for trying to fill in the gaps they've left and make the story coherent.

    In other words, I'm willing to help you as much as I can without actually doing all the work for you - I have my own projects that I'm trying to squeeze out in between working 12hrs a day. ;)

    Feel free to PM me and I'll look into joining your group...
  10. Dave_Smogcrawler Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Apr 12, 2002
    star 4
    yeah understand where you are coming from dude but thanks for the input anyhow I am really grateful.
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