Beyond - Legends Holding (short L/M vignette; Luke's thoughts on Mara and her disease)

This was written a few days ago while my mother was in the emergency room having an allergic (but not dangerous) reaction to her medication. This story is nothing more than an attempt at self-therapy - calming myself down. It worked, sort of. My mother is fine and at home (and for various reasons, I'll probably never let her read this ). While this is a L/M vignette, it is also a statement of sorts. I hope you like it, and understand what it means.


Title: Holding
Summary: Luke's thoughts on Mara and her disease.
A/N: It's pretty short, less than a page.


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I hate this feeling of helplessness. But even worse, it?s not just a feeling ? it?s true. I?m looking in at a reality I can?t change. Every time you stumble, every time you have to stop because you?re weary, it?s burned into my mind. I?m able to push it away, force myself not to dwell on it, but your every wince brings to my mind, the pain and helplessness ripped anew, a scar that won?t heal.

I try to hold you, try to hold you in my arms ? you mistake it for my attempt at comforting you, but I?m also trying to comfort myself. I want to hold onto you, because as long as I?m touching you, you can?t go away. You can?t leave me, Mara, as long as I have a hold on you.

But you jerk away, your chin raises. I don?t know if it?s a desire for independence or a simple need to be miserable alone. Are you trying to ease my anguish, by holding such times, when you feel the pain and weakness in your own body, away from me? But it?s only worse, Mara, when you leave me alone . . . and I see that stumble, that wince. Why won?t you let me touch you?

Don?t you realize it only hurts you and me, Mara? I?m your husband, and I feel every hidden moment of pain, an echo of you. I don?t want an echo ? I want you, even if it?s in those moments of misery and pain. I want to hold you.

Even if I can?t change this twisted and dark reality I?m looking in on, I want to hold onto you as long as I can. I can?t keep stuffing down this pain, I can?t bear to keep this distance between us. I don?t care about the disease ? I see only you. Only you. Every time I touch you, I?m focused on you. Not the disease, not how you have to hold my arm to walk.

Can?t you lean on me? Every time you take my hand, when you let me help you sleep, that?s a moment with us together. That distance between us is nothing, and I?m blessed with the aura of your presence. I know it hurts, I know you hate your weakness. I know you have things of your own you would like to shove down, as I have shoved down my own pain at your every stumble and wince, but can?t we take that step away from those things which haunt us ? a step towards each other?

Please let me hold you.

 

That was...I dunno how to describe it exactly.

The line:
I try to hold you, try to hold you in my arms ? you mistake it for my attempt at comforting you, but I?m also trying to comfort myself. really struck a chord with me.

Well done,
Shelly

 

How can you crank out all these wonderful vignettes so fast? This was so touching. I've often thought a fic needs to be written on Luke's reaction to Mara's illness. It gets glossed over too much in the books. And you did a great job with both Luke's and Mara's characters.

Glad your mother is okay, too.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your mother, obaona. I hope she's ok.

Anyways, the vignette was awesome. I had tears coming to my eyes. You captured Luke perfectly!

*LtJS*

 

I'm glad your mother is back home. The vig was very lovely.

 

The mark of a born writer, oba, that you were even able to write at such a moment, let alone turn out such loveliness.

Are you trying to ease my anguish, by holding such times, when you feel the pain and weakness in your own body, away from me?

Now that's the only reason I've heard for Mara's distance at that time that actually makes sense. Mara's emotional distance is something I truly hate about the NJO. I don't believe she'd ever have pulled away from Luke like that - unless she believed that she was protecting him by doing so. Then she might have. Wonderful insight.

I?m your husband, and I feel every hidden moment of pain, an echo of you. I don?t want an echo ? I want you, even if it?s in those moments of misery and pain.

And you've captured the essence of Luke here. Absolutely perfect.

Every time I touch you, I?m focused on you. Not the disease, not how you have to hold my arm to walk.

Another insight into each. Mara likely did feel that others saw her disease before they saw her. I'm sure that in her weakest moments, it was all she saw. It's an easy thing to project your own thoughts onto another. But Luke wouldn't have done that. He would honestly have focused on Mara, not the disease. If only this vignette could have been a conversation between them in Vector Prime, we might all have been spared several books' worth of poor characterization. Beautiful job. Give your mom a hug for me.

 

Another great vignette, Oba.

I'm with Gabri, I can't stand Mara's emotional distance in the NJO. I really enjoyed Luke's thoughts.

A very good look at NJO Mara and Luke thru Luke's eyes and feelings. Loved it!

 

jedishellyskywalker: Thank you. I just hope it made you think.

Jedi-2B: It is as much a mystery to me as it is to you. I don't really know why I picked Luke and Mara to write about - they just seemed closest to my situation at the time. Anyway, I'm glad you liked it, and thank you.

Lt_Jaina_Solo: Thank you. That means a lot. Yes, my mother is doing better. Went and picked up a lot of meds for her today.

joy_noel: Thank you.

Gabri_Jade: I don't really know how I wrote in that kind of moment. I just wanted to get down what I felt, but I didn't want to say it myself, so I had Luke do it for me, if that makes any sense. It made it easier to handle.

I always thought that was a good part of the reason Mara acted the way she did. Her automatic instinct is to cut herself off, not seek help and comfort.

I don't really know why I wrote Mara that way either - as thinking people would see only her disease. It just seemed to fit. Anyway, glad you enjoyed and liked it. *hugs*

Dancing_Jansons: Thank you. I always wanted more L/M interaction in the books - after all, they were married, and it was the first opportunity for us, the readers, to see them that way. I'm glad you thought this was realistic.

 

wow, this was a great Vignette. I can definitely see this in the book. That's the way I saw Mara's distancing from Luke. Poor Luke, trying to be there for his wife and being pushed aside.

 

Short is never a weakness, oba. I should know

I like my 5 paragraph masterpiece! :::giggles at Gabri:::

I take it this is the 29th one? :::grins:::

I always felt bad for Luke in the early NJO when Mara would turn him away, even if it is her nature. I think you captured those feelings of his quite nicely.

::Windstar Out::

 

:::thwacks JC and their evil double posts:::

 

Jedi_Liz: Thank you.

Bri: True, true. Um, no, not 29. 30th, I think. Anyway, thank you. I'm glad you liked it.

 

Awww *hugs*

Beautiful. Sheer brilliance.

 

Wow, excellent obaona.
I had tears in my eyes.
I can't really find any words to describe it. Am speechless.

 

A beautiful viggie, obaona.

 

Burkie: *hugs* Thank you, my studly b/f.

J_M_Bulldog: Thank you. I'm really glad it touched you that much.

JediMasterKobe: Thank you.

 

Up?

 

A powerful post Oba! Though I'm not a NJO reader myself, and in "my" SW universe Mara never get's sick, your discription of the various emotions that come with serious illness are very universal. Excellent job!

 

Rivad_Bacar: Thank you. In fact, thank you for posting on a bunch of my fics. This short post was hard to get out, but I wrote it surprisingly fast. Anyway . . . thanks.

 

An excellent viggie, oba, well-written and poignant.

My best wishes to your mom for her health.

 

That was very good. I could see that being a letter that Luke wrote but never gave to Mara. You did a really good job of capturing their thoughts.


-Vicster

 

Rivad hits himslf repeatedly then goes to find Chewbacca so he can have his arms pulled out...

I'm so mad at myself Oba! I forgot to ask how your mother is doing and to give you both my best wishes! Hope all is well!

Rivad returns to his self-imposed punishment...

 

Wow. Oba, that was wonderful. The way you can write these vigs so quickly, and yet with such emotion and vividness. Your explanation for Mara's behavior made so much sense, and I can't believe I never thought of that before. Excellent job on a beautiful piece!

And I hope your mum is feeling better.

 

*snaps fingers* I knew there was a vignette I was forgetting to reply on.

Devi: Thank you. My mom is doing well.

Master_Vicky: Thank you. I suppose it could be a letter, but my mental image at the time I was writing it was of Luke just sitting by Mara and thinking this.

Rivad_Bacar: It's okay. My mother is doing better, thanks for asking.

LianaMara: Thank you. And thank you for complimenting how prolific I am. Anyway, when I wrote this I wasn't thinking of an explanation for Mara's actions - I was just writing out, from my own experiences, what Luke felt, and how he would react to that situation (which admittedly occurs in the books). I guess that just shows how universal some things are, as I didn't think of it that way.

 

Wow. That was sad and wonderful!! Great job.