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Hostage to Darkness! (Qui-Gon, 11???)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by SiriGallia, Mar 15, 2001.

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  1. SiriGallia

    SiriGallia Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jan 28, 2001
    [Briefly I should mention that this is a sample chapter from a book I will never have the nerve to publish! But I like to write a lot and some kids sugjested I post a chapter here! Please post what you think]
    A sharp wail pierced the normal sounds of the dinning hall. Children began to all talk at once, Ari-Yon shivered, that siren usually meant on thing. Master Ezwynn and Master Liront came in to the room, Master Ezwynn began gather the younger students together and Master Liront gather the older students together. "Children!" Master Liront called in his deep voice. "We want each one of you to pick a fellow student within the group your in and make sure you both get to your rooms! Make sure you all get to your room!" He called. Ari-Yon picked Qui-Gon instantly, but Qui-Gon wouldn't go unless Tahl was coming. So Tahl made it easy and picked both of them and all three started out of the room with the flow of students.
    "Do you think it could be.." Tahl began as they walked quickly down the hall.
    "Undoubtedly." Ari-Yon agreed grimly.
    "A fire." Qui-Gon finished dodging Yael who was running down the hall at a fast pace.
    "Isn't that your room Tahl?" Ari-Yon asked as they approached it.
    "Yes. You two be careful alright?" Tahl warned softly.
    "We will." Qui-Gon assured her. After Tahl went into her room Qui-Gon and Ari-Yon started back down the hall. "Good thing our rooms are right next to each other. " Qui-Gon said as they ran. Suddenly a warning was called over the emergency speaker.
    "Warning, Warning, all students with rooms on floor seven, section four, rooms ten through fifteen stay away from your rooms. A fire is spreading slowly there. Repeat stay away from your rooms. Warning, warning all students.."
    Qui-Gon and Ari-Yon stopped short. Ari-Yon looked at Qui-Gon, "We are on floor.."
    "Six," Qui-Gon replied grimly.
    "And our room is on level.."
    "Right, one level up, and our section is four. My room is room 15."
    "And mine is room 14." Qui-Gon said tying off there problem with sigh of exasperation.
    "Now what do we do?" Ari-Yon asked. There was a very long silence as the alarms continued there mewing sound.
    "Well," Qui-Gon said quietly. "They speaker didn't say were to go if your room was there." Suddenly the speaker blared again.
    "Warning, warning, everyone with rooms on level 6 please evacuate to the lightsaber practice chamber, the floor of level 7 will collapse at any moment repeat anyone on level 6 evacuate! Warning, warning, everyone with rooms on level 6...."
    "'Everyone on level 6' would include us!" Ari-Yon exclaimed.
    "Right, come on, she said the lightsaber training room." Qui-Gon agreed.
    "I have a feeling we are forgetting something." Ari-Yon said as they climbed into the turbo lift. "Let's hope the lift doesn't short out if it did we would..."
    "We didn't forget something!" Qui-Gon exclaimed desperately trying to find the switch to take them back up. "We forgot someone, Tahl!" Ari-Yon quickly tried to find the switch, he had been on this turbo lift hundreds of times, why couldn't he find the switch now?! They landed on the second floor and there was a screech of straining repulser lifts and a sparks flashed above them. "The lift control board is on level 7!" Qui-Gon exclaimed. "If we don't get out now will plummet to the bottom." Ari-Yon found the switch to take the up, but the control board was smoking. Suddenly Qui-Gon grabbed out his lightsaber and activated it. "Something isn't right about this." He said under his breath. "Something doesn't feel right." He thrust lightsaber into the lift door and began cutting a hole.
    "We could just open the door." Ari-Yon said irritably.
    "We could." Qui-Gon agreed pushing the small circle he had cut out of it's spot in the door. There was an ominous crash of something metal hitting a floor. "But it would be a long drop." Qui-Gon said grimly.
    "We aren't at the second floor!" Ari-Yon exclaimed.
    "No," Qui-Gon agreed. "We are stuck somewhere between levels four and five. Those spa
  2. Jane Jinn

    Jane Jinn Jedi Knight star 5

    Jan 12, 2000
    You don't have to post things twice. It could be considered as spamming. Simply reply to your own thread if you want to boost it to the top.

    Things are easier to read if there is a space between every paragraph.

    The danger and action were both well described, and the dialogue rang true. I liked the inclusion of Tahl in the story. However, I find it hard to believe that the boys would get out of danger from one lift and then run straight to another one. Aren't they taught never to use the lifts in case of fire? Aren't there any stairs they could take instead?
  3. SiriGallia

    SiriGallia Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jan 28, 2001
    Okay. I can answer all those questions. 1st I am new, I have no idea what soever of how to boost my own Post to the top! Thank you for the compliments on my story. Okay so Ari-Yon and Qui-Gon. You know I totally agree with you? I too feel that it was a little unrealistic, but first of all, we are kind of living in a generation that doesn't have stairs :) Also have you ever read Captive Temple? If so you will notice, Obi-Wan got to the cat walks by busting through a door, I can bet that before this time, Qui-Gon and Ari-Yon had never been on Cat walks and didn't know about the ajecent halls.

    JKTRAINING Jedi Master star 4

    Jan 24, 2001
    That was really good! Is there, by any chance, any more? I'd love to read it!
  5. SiriGallia

    SiriGallia Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jan 28, 2001
    [Here's as much as I've done on it! Tell me what you think] :)

    Hostage to Darkness

    Ari-Yon had made a mistake. He knew he, and it had became apparent when his backward flip turned into a backward twist and he fumble mid flip and landed painfully on his knees. Ari-Yon got to his feet quickly just in time to block a strike from his opponent. He was loosing and he knew it, it would be embarrassing if he lost against this opponent, and it would give Vashawn and Yael something to tease him about for the next month. The reason it was embarrassing was first his opponent was a girl, and second this particular girl was a year younger and a head and a half shorter than him. He blocked her strikes fairly easily, but his impatience got the better of him, even though he could block her blows she could block his just as easily. He fumbled and she nearly caught him across the shoulders.

    "Patients Ari-Yon. Don't let impatience guide you." Yoda called from the side. Ari-Yon slowly calmed, he push back his impatience and breathed slowly. Then he lunged forward, before long he was no longer fatigue. He parried "I'll never beat you A. Prentice!" Ari-Yon Prentice grinned. A. Prentice was a name his best friend had made up. Everyone joked that Ari-Yon would defiantly be picked as an apprentice because of his name.

    "You fought well Tahl." He said.

    "Both fought well, you did." Yoda approved.

    "Perfect your skills you will, cover your weaknesses you must." The two nodded, then went there separate directions to get cleaned up for the mid day meal.
    Ari-Yon was just 12, and though he had almost a whole year until his next birthday came, he was already becoming nervous. Would anyone pick him? No, of course no one would, he was reckless and his impatience always got the better of him.
    He washed and got a fresh tunic, then started for the dinning hall. He passed other children going in that direction. He fell into the flow of children and entered the dinning hall. As soon as he had passed the doorway, he began scanning heads for his best friend, Qui-Gon Jinn. He couldn't see him.

    "Hey! A. Prentice, over here!" Someone called. It was Qui-Gon Jinn and Ari-Yon grinned at his friend and started making his way to the table were Qui-Gon was sitting.

    "I already got your meal." Qui-Gon said.

    "Your easy, you opinion never changes!"

    "Thanks Qui-Gon." Ari-Yon said sitting down. Anyone who didn't know might have thought that Qui-Gon was older because Qui-Gon was very tall for his age. Yael Vraive was the only one taller than him, and it was easy to see it wouldn't stay that way. "Where did you just come from?" Ari-Yon asked.

    "I was doing my flying practice, I drove the biggest cloud car ever! It was for 20 passengers! Where did you come from?" He asked.

    "I was doing my lightsaber practice with Tahl." Ari-Yon answered. For the most part Ari-Yon and Qui-Gon were in separate classes, because Qui-Gon had just turned 11, but with lightsaber practice Ari-Yon could even fight with a 10-year-old!

    "Oh, that was were Tahl had gone." Qui-Gon said finishing his meal. "I hadn't seen her."
    "You didn't eat very much." Ari-Yon said inspecting Qui-Gon's empty plate as if more food would jump out of it.

    "I wasn't very hungry." Qui-Gon said simply.

    "Your never very hungry." Tahl said from behind him. Qui-Gon turned in his seat.

    "Hello Tahl. I was wondering were you were." Tahl laughed her sweet laugh and sat down next to him.
    "I was losing pitifully to A. Prentice here!" She smiled Ari-Yon. "Serves me right for trying to beat an experienced apprentice, right Ari-Yon?"

    "You know perfectly well I am no better than you!" Ari-Yon exclaimed but he looked pleased.

    "Well, well, if it isn't A. Prentice the Perfect." A voice sneered from behind him. "Perfectly stupid!" There was an eruption of laughter. Ari-Yon
    turned, he knew exactly who it was. Vashawn.

    "Vashawn you had better watch it.." Ari-Yon said trying to keep from letting anger hold him.

    "Ooh, I'm scared, aren't you Yael?" He said turning to a boy next to him.

  6. SiriGallia

    SiriGallia Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jan 28, 2001
    I have written more if anyone wants, but I need coments!
  7. Master_Tahl

    Master_Tahl Jedi Youngling star 2

    Aug 10, 2000
    I want more! This story's great so far, keep it up. ;)
  8. SiriGallia

    SiriGallia Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jan 28, 2001
    Thanks Master_Tahl! Here's some more!
    Chapter 6

    Qui-Gon awoke the next day shivering, he stood and began to make his way to the door. It was dark, but he found his lightsaber in it's normal spot. Outside Qui-Gon's room he saw that the halls were empty. That was surprising, he checked a crono mounted to the wall it was only two hours into the next day. He shivered again, why was it so cold?
    He came down the hall to the lift, he stepped inside. It was cold in the lift as well. He lowered to a different floor and went to the lightsaber training room if felt like a huge freezer. Across the room the referee droid was getting into a quiet argument with a matinece droid. "What is the tempter?" He asked the referee droid.

    "The tempter is at 10 degrees FRH and 20 degrees CLS."

    "Thank you." Qui-Gon said thanking the droid politely, and quickly exited the room before the droid told him his temperature, the floors temperature, the ceilings temperature, the matinece droids temperature and what the temperature would be in ten minutes. He went down the hall to the Room of a Thousand Fountains and shock fill him. Ice floated in the fountains! Huge blocks of ice clogged up the fountains cycle. Qui-Gon shivered again.

    "Why awake are you?" A voice questioned behind him. He jumped and turned, Yoda was standing on the path looking at him strangely.

    "I was cold." Qui-Gon explained. "I thought maybe I would walk around a bit to get warmer."

    "Cold it is." Yoda agreed.

    "There is ice in the fountains!" Qui-Gon exclaimed. "Why is it so cold?"

    "Found out we have that the air has been cold, because a mineral substance imbedded in the ground there is. Making the Temple freezing it is.

    "Were is it in the ground?" Qui-Gon asked.

    "Know this we do not, know we do though that underground entrance there must be hidden it is."

    "Do you think someone did this on purpose Master Yoda?" Qui-Gon asked.

    "Know that we do not, but sure we are that this mineral instantaneous action it has."

    "You mean someone would have had to plant it recently and it didn't establish itself over time?" Yoda nodded slowly.

    "But Master if it didn't establish itself than how..."

    Suddenly Qui-Gon sentence was lost in the explosion that followed, Qui-Gon shook with the vibration and even Yoda took a step back. Qui-Gon looked forward somewhere among the trees smoke arose. "What was that?!" Qui-Gon exclaimed. He ran forward into the trees. He could barley see were he was going when he suddenly slid into a small crater. Dust and ashes flew and fires were in several places. Qui-Gon coughed. He stumbled through the rubble and suddenly he tripped on a piece of twisted mettle. Qui-Gon turned and looked at it. A speeder.

    "Qui-Gon!" Ari-Yon suddenly burst through the trees and stumbled down into the crater.

    "Be careful!" Qui-Gon warned.

    "Are you alright?" Ari-Yon asked tripping over to Qui-Gon. "What happened."

    "I think we found the speeder shed." Qui-Gon said kicking the piece of mettle. "And just a guess but I don't think that the intruder wanted us to know it was here."

    "Qui-Gon this doesn't make sense!" Ari-Yon called. "Why would someone want to blow this shed?"

    "I think there must have been evidence here." Qui-Gon replied. He paused. "Not anymore." Ari-Yon nodded looking around.

    "Let's head back." Qui-Gon said. As they ran up the crater Ari-Yon looked at Qui-Gon.

    "Sorry Qui-Gon I guess I should have let you go when you had that chance." Qui-Gon stop and his blue gaze looked suddenly cold.

    "I have no way of knowing Ari-Yon." He said steadily. "But I think that if you had let me, I might have been dead now." Ari-Yon stared at him.

    "Why do think..."

    "Qui-Gon! Ari-Yon! There you are." Tahl
    suddenly came through the bushes. "What happened?"

    "Master Yoda and I were talking when the speeder shed blew." Qui-Gon hastily explained as they made their way back.

    "You found it?" Tahl asked.

    "Well what's left of it. Basically a crater." Ari-Yon said.

    "Why were y
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