SWC How Star Wars Could've Ended in 1 minute

Anakin lost the race.

 

Obi-Wan stands high on the banks of Mustafar's river of lava while Anakin remains on a small turbo-lift platform above the river.

Obi-Wan: It's over Anakin. I have the high ground.
Anakin: You underestimate my power.
Obi-Wan: Don't try it, Anakin.

Anakin gets ready to leap but then pauses.

Anakin: You really think I can't make it?
Obi-Wan: Well, no, if you jump over me, I'll slash off your limbs. If you jump below me, I'll charge at you and kill you with a forward thrust of my lightsaber. I really don't see what you can do to get me.
Anakin: Naw, I can do it.
Obi-Wan: No, Anakin, I'm really in the perfect spot.

Anakin pauses to think again.

Anakin: Well, can you move forward a little?
Obi-Wan: No, why should I? You can't possibly get me here.
Anakin: Fine. I'll just sit down and wait for you to move.
Obi-Wan: Okay, well, I'll just sit down and wait for you to jump.
Anakin: Oh yeah, you seriously don't think you have the power to wait me out, do you?
Obi-Wan: I will do what I must.
Anakin: You will try!

Both sit down and begin waiting.


...6 hours later.

Palpatine can be seen approaching in the distance. When he gets around 40 feet from Obi-Wan he pauses.

Palpatine: Lord Vader, I sensed you were in trouble.
Anakin: Nope, I'm fine. Just waiting for this jackass to move so that I can jump to the bank.
Palpatine: Would you like me to kill him?
Anakin: No, you can't. He's in the perfect spot.

Palpatine studies where Obi-Wan is sitting.

Palpatine: My word, that is the perfect spot. If I had discovered that spot, I would've gained control of the galaxy years ago.
(to Obi-Wan)
So, I guess you're just going to stay there, right?
Obi-Wan: I will do what I must.
Anakin: He loves saying that. He thinks it sounds deep. He'll move. Trust me. I can already sense him wavering.
Palpatine: Okay, well, then I guess I'll just sit down too...

Palpatine sits down.


...1 week later.

Clone troopers discover the dehydrated corpses of Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Palpatine.

Clone trooper #1: Look at this. Both Vader and Palpatine are dead.
Clone trooper #2: So, does this mean we can return to a democracy?
Clone trooper #1: I don't see why not.
Clone trooper #2: I guess we all have this perfect spot on the bank to thank for re-establishing our Republic.


Cut to black. Star Wars fanfare plays.

 

CLIEG: Your mother's dead, son. Accept it.
ANAKIN: Oh, okay.

 

blast this is why I hate fl-

*KA-BOOOM*

 

LUKE: Get clear, Wedge! You can't do anymore good back there!
WEDGE: I'm no coward, Luke! I'm staying on this run until the end! Wait, I think if I stay on the level and fix my...woah..I'm, it's unstable...
BIGGS: What the hell are you two doing?
LUKE: Wedge, what are you doing watch ou--AHHHHH!!
*Wedge's out of control X-Wing collides with Luke, which also runs into Biggs' X-Wing, and they all explode. Vader, inside his TIE Advanced, shrugs to himself.*
VADER: Hmmm... that was easy.
*overhead, the Falcon breezes by, Han looks down and also shrugs.*
HAN: Geez, that kid was awful. Let's bounce, Chewie.
*Chewie roars his agreement, they jump to hyperspace just as the Death Star blows up Yavin IV.*

 

Qui-Gon: Is that gas that's venting into the room lethal?
Obi-Wan: I don't think so, we're Jedi. They would never try and kill us.
Qui-Gon: I'm feeling a little dizzy.
Obi-Wan: Yes Master, I as well.
Qui-Gon: Perhaps we should...should...
*Both Die.*

 

Luke: But I was going to the Tosche Station to get some power converters!

Owen: Oh ok Luke. You go do that.

(Luke drives to the Tosche Station and dies in an immense car crash because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt. Always wear your seatbelt.)

 

Watto: No pod is worth one slave. Not by a long shot. But I'll wager my entire collection of Huttese Opera.

 

[Dioxens are released into Qui-Gon & Obi-Wan's meeting room]
Newt Gunray: "They must be dead by now. Destroy what's left"
Neimodian aide: "What!? That makes no sense at all! Let's leave them in there with the poison gas for another hour or two before we open the damn door & give them a chance to escape!
Gunray: "Ok"
[They die]

 

Stormtrooper on Tatooine: No, wait. Don't burn the farm. Let's hide until the kid returns.

 

Anakin: I'm not going to Mustafar. I feel like a total ***hole for murdering all of those kids.

 

Zam Wessel flies through the power couplings and blasts one of the poles. The damaged power coupling explodes with electrical fury.
Obi-Wan sees the explosion and screams at Anakin.
Obi-Wan: "Anakin! How many times have I told you..."
Anakin: "Yes, Master..."
Anakin, normally stoic and under control, panics at his Master's scolding, and swerves the speeder sharply to the left. The speeder careens out of control and heads DIRECTLY INTO THE EXPLODING POLE.
Obi-Wan: "Stay away from...."
Zzzzzzzzzaaaaapp *explodes*

 

George Lucas attends a meeting with 20th Century Fox in which he is told his movie will be cancelled.

 

Vader: You know what, I think I'm going to stay here on the Death Star and watch it destroy Yavin IV.

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Luke: I'd rather be a farmer. I hate violence.

 

LUKE: "I used to live here, you know."
HAN: "You're gonna die here, you know."
*Luke has a brain aneurysm and dies.*
HAN: "Convenient!"

 

Luke is on his TaunTaun.
Wampa appears, roars & swipes at Luke's head.
Luke is decapitated.
Wampa takes TaunTaun & Luke's body home for food.
Han finds Luke's head.