SWC How Star Wars Could've Ended in 1 minute

DEXTER JETTSTER
So, my friend. What can I do for ya?

OBI-WAN
You can tell me what this is.

OBI-WAN places the dart on the table between them. DEX'S eyes widen. He puts down his mug.

DEXTER JETTSTER
Well, whattaya know...

DEXTER picks up the dart delicately between his puffy fingers and peers at it.

DEXTER JETTSTER (continuing) I ain't seen one of these, In all of my travels; not even when I was prospecting on Subterrel beyond the Outer Rim!

OBI-WAN
Do you know where it came from?

DEXTER frowns. He puts the dart down between them.

DEXTER JETTSTER
No. I have no clue... It's these funny little cuts on the side that are the biggest mystery... I've never seen anything like that...

OBI-WAN
That's probably why it didn't show up in any analysis archive. (getting frustrated) You said you used to prospect...?

DEXTER JETTSTER
Yes, in uncharted territory, beyond the Outer Rim. I'd say about ten to twenty parsecs outside the Rishi Maze, toward the sou... Oh, blast it, Obi-Wan, I'm sorry, buddy... it's all so long ago... And I didn't make any real records or anything. Maybe ask the analysis droids again? They seem to know their stuff...

OBI-WAN
No, they're utterly worthless... Just like you. (gets up and walks out).

 

"Lord Gunray, the Chancellor's ship is arriving with the ambassadors"

Nute Gunray: "Blast them at once!"

 

How Stars Wars could've ended in 5 minutes or What if Ben had told Luke the truth

Luke and Ben Kenobi are speaking in Kenobi's desert hut. As they speak, Luke is fixing C-3PO's damaged arm. As the conversation interests Luke more, Luke's attention is drawn towards Kenobi, and he begins to ignore his repair work.

Luke: No, my father didn't fight in the wars. He was a navigator on a spice freighter.
Ben: That's what your uncle told you. He didn't hold to your father's ideals, thought he should've stayed here and not gotten involved.
Luke: You fought in the Clone Wars?
Ben: Yes, I was once a Jedi knight, the same as your father.
Luke: I wish I had known him.
Ben: He was the best star pilot in the galaxy and a cunning warrior ...and a good friend, but he was deceived by the Emperor, we all were, and he was seduced by the dark side of the Force and became a Sith lord.
Luke: So, my father didn't die on a spice freighter?
Ben: No, he's very much alive. You may have heard of his name --
Luke: --Oh my gosh, he's alive! My dad's alive! That's great! This is incredible!
Ben: But, Luke, you don't understand. He was seduced by the dark side of the Force.
Luke: So what? What's that?
Ben: The Force is what gives the Jedi his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us, it penetrates us, it binds the galaxy together.
Luke: Yeah, that sounds kind of cool and all, but I'm really more interested in my father still being alive. Do you know how I can I get in touch with him?
Ben: Luke, it will be hard for you to hear this, but your father took the name of Darth Vader and now serves as the Emperor's right hand man. He helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi knights. He betrayed and murdered the Jedi.
Luke: Wait, weren't the Jedi the ones who tried to assassinate Chancellor Palpatine who was democratically elected by the Senate?
Ben: Well, assassination is a strong word.
Luke: What I learned in my social studies class is that there wouldn't even be an empire if the Jedi hadn't tried to kill the Chancellor. They were traitors to the Republic. Furthermore, the Senate, the only representative body in the galaxy, voted to enact Order 66 to destroy the Jedi rebellion. It sounds like my father Darth what's-his-name is a hero.
Ben: That's imperial propaganda. I mean, mostly. Well, there is some truth to that actually. I mean, I really I didn't approve of what Mace did and I guess what Yoda did can be considered assassination from a certain point of view, but anyhow, you need to see the bigger picture, Luke. The empire is evil. I just heard a rumor today that the Emperor has disbanded the Senate and given powers to the regional governors.
Luke: Uh... I don't even understand what that means.
Ben: Well, it's sort of hard to explain. The government has multiple branches, but giving the regional governors more power is a switch to a kind of federalism, which isn't as representative of the... Well, it's really too complicated to explain. Just trust me. It's bad, very bad. So bad the Emperor must be killed.
Luke: Whoa, that's pretty extreme! I mean, shouldn't the Rebellion try some street protests first or pass out leaflets emphasizing gradual social change? Anyway, you said my father was an idealist like yourself. If the empire's so bad, I'm sure he and I can work together to fix it. Maybe he can even take charge and make things right. You know, make things the way they should be. Maybe we could even run things as father and son or something like that.
Ben: Luke... Uhhh....

At that moment, Artoo begins to play his recording. Leia holo-message appears.

Ben: Wait one second. It looks like our little friend has a message for us. Perhaps it will change your opinion.
Leia's image: General Kenobi, years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire. I regret to inform you that I can't present my request to you in person. I've placed information vital to the survival of the rebellion in the memory systems of this Artoo unit. My father will know how to retrieve it. You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderaan. This is our most desperate hour. Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

Ben: Luke, before you think of joining your father, you must know something else. That image of the young woman who you just saw -- she is your sister -- and she needs our help.
Luke: Oh please, do you really expect me to believe that? First, you know my father, and then seconds later, up pops a holo-recording of my sister. Give me a break. It's clear you just don't want me to meet up with my dad.
Ben: But, Luke, I can sense you desperately want to help this poor young woman.
Luke: I do. I think she's really hot. That's just another reason for me to meet up with my father. He sounds pretty important. I'm sure he can get her released, and then she'll have me to thank for it, and without any competition, she's sure to fall in love with ME -- the guy who got her free!!!
Ben: Luke, you can't develop feelings for her. I'm telling you she's your sister! You must believe me.
Luke: Yeah, right, and C-3PO and R2 are my uncles.
Ben: Well, no, but R2 served as your father's navi-computer during space missions and, uh, your father actually did construct C-3PO as a child.
Luke: Oh my lord, you are the worst liar! I'd think if my father made C-3PO my uncle would recognize him.
Ben: But Luke, you must trust me! You must learn the ways of the Force!
Luke: Well, trust me. I'm gonna. I'm gonna learn that Force stuff from my dad. He sounds like a badass. It seems like he single-handedly took out the Jedi, so he's probably great at Forcing stuff around. In fact, he'd probably like to know what you're up to. He might not appreciate how you've tried to turn me against him.
Ben: Luke, you might not like what you see when you meet him. He's not the good man he once was. He's now more machine than man.
Luke: How'd he get like that?
Ben: Well... (after hesitating) I... uh... chopped off his legs and one of his arms -- just one -- and sort of, left him to die.
Luke: You a-hole!

Luke punches him in the face.

Ben: Oh, this is going so wrong! I knew I shouldn't have told you the truth, but I didn't want to lie. Deceit is the way of the Sith!
Luke: Well, it sounds like these Sith are better than the Jedi in almost every way. I'm outta here! And to think I was seriously considering going on some damned fool crusade with you. This is great. Now I have a real reason to ditch Owen and Beru! One more season, my ass. They can suck on a sand sandwich cause I'm gonna go meet my dad! Plus I'm gonna score with one hot princess! This is the happiest day of my life!!! (singing) 'Cause I'm happy! Clap along if you know what happiness is to you! 'Cause I'm happy! Clap along if you feel like that's what you wanna do!

Luke exits Ben's hut, jumps in his land speeder, and speeds off enthusiastically.

Ben: 20 years of waiting in this god-forsaken desert for this... Oh well, guess it's time to become a Force ghost.

Ben ignites his lightsaber and commits hara-kiri with it.

R2 whirs in confusion, and C-3PO turns to his friend.

3PO: Don't worry, Artoo. I'm sure our master will be back any moment.

 

-Now, tomorrow I want you to take that R2 unit to Anchorhead and have its memory erased. That'll be the end of it. It belongs to us now.
-Ok, Uncle Owen

*Puts R2D2 on the landspeeder and drives towards Anchorhead*

 

At 3PO's insistence, R2-D2 keeps working on him, instead of fixing the Millennium Falcon's malfunctioning hyperdrive. The boarding party of Imperial Stormtroopers capture Luke, Leia, Chewie and Lando - and blast 3PO back into scrap in the process. Admiral Piett randomly chokes on an extra tough chunk of bantha jerky (or something).

 

Ben: that is why your sister's identity has remained safely anonymous.
Luke: Leia, Leia's my sister.
Ben: your insight serves you well. Bury your feelings deep down Luke. They do you credit, but they could be used to serve the Emperor.
Luke: ....ok well I'd be better be going then.
Ben: ok, good luck Luke. [Ben fades away]
[Luke climbs into his X-Wing & starts the engines]
Ben [reappears]: ....oh Luke, Luke, I almost forgot. Just a bit of handy advice really. The Emperor can shoot lightening out from his hands. I know, crazy isn't it. It's not really a problem though. You just need to block & absorb it with your lightsaber. Just whatever you do do not ever throw away or lose your lightsaber anywhere near him. Very important.
Luke: thanks, it's lucky you remembered to tell me!!
Ben: indeed. May the Force be with you.

 

Luke doesn't hesitate when Obi-Wan asks him to go to Alderaan with him. They arrive there early, and they along with the rest of the planet are blown to bits by the Death Star. Just before they are obliterated, Obi-Wan declares: "I feel a great disturbance in the Force, as if I'm about to cry out as loudly as a million voices in terror and then suddenly be silenced. A-H-H-H-H-H-H!!!!!!! --"

Cut to black. The Star Wars fanfare plays. Roll credits.

 

EXT. TATOOINE - MOS EISLEY - STREET

Eight Imperial stormtroopers rush up to the darkly clad creature.

TROOPER
Which way?

The darkly clad creature points to the door of the docking bay.

TROOPER
All right, men. Load your weapons!

INT. MOS EISLEY SPACEPORT - DOCKING BAY 94]

The troops hold their guns at the ready and charge down the docking bay entrance.

TROOPER
Stop that ship!

Han Solo looks up and sees the Imperial stormtroopers rushing into the docking bay. Several of the troopers raise their blasters at Han, about to open fire.

TROOPER
Blast 'em!

Han drops his laser pistol and raises his hands over his head in surrender, and shouts at the Stormtrooper Commander.

HAN
Don't shoot! My associate led you here. I have the droids you're looking for!

TROOPER
OK, Solo. Good work. We'll have the 20,000 credits we promised you later tonight.

Screams, both human and wookiee, and discharging Stormtrooper blaster rifles can be heard inside the Millennium Falcon as Han smirks wickedly to himself.

 

ANAKIN: "She went into the club, Master!"
OBI-WAN: "Patience. Use the Force. Think. She went in there to hide, not to run. Let's call in reinforcements and wait at the new Twi'Lek dancing girl strip club until they arrive."
ANAKIN: "Great idea! Jedi may forbid attachments but I ain't gonna form any attachments with those ladies, if you know what I mean, Master."
OBI-WAN: "Yes, just as a told you, my apprentice, ladies dig that 'encouraged to love,' line."
ANAKIN: "Oh, they most certainly do!"
*Anakin and Obi-Wan proceed to have a very drunken night at the strip club while Mace and Yoda and a fleet of Padawans show up and take care of Zev and catch Jango in the process.*

 

Windu: "You are under arrest my Lord"
Palpatine: "Are you threatening me, Master Jedi"

Palpatine gets his lightsaber from under his sleeve, but he's not quick enough. The four Jedi slash the old chancellor into pieces.

Windu: "Anakin, you've gained my full trust now. I grant you the rank of Master in the Jedi Council"
Anakin: "Yipee!"

 

Episode IV​

A NEW HOPE​

It is a period of civil war.​

Rebel spaceships, striking​

from a hidden base, have been
completely destroyed utterly ​

the evil Galactic Empire.

Everybody died.

The end.

Seriously, go home.

That blonde kid and Obi-Wan just kinda rot on Tatoonie forever and Yoda chokes on a glimer stick, okay?​

​

​

​

​

 

Luke concentrates on trying to lift the top rock. It rises a few feet, shaking under the strain. But, distracted by Artoo's frantic beeping, Luke loses his balance and finally collapses. Yoda jumps clear.

YODA
Concentrate!

Annoyed at the disturbance, Luke looks over at Artoo, who is rocking urgently back and forth in front of him.

Artoo waddles closer to Luke, chirping wildly, then scoots over the edge of the swamp. Catching on, Luke rushes to the water's edge. The X-wing fighter has sunk, and only the tip of its nose shows above the lake's surface.

LUKE
Oh, no. We'll never get it out now.

Yoda stamps his foot in irritation.

YODA
So certain are you. Always with you it cannot be done. Hear you nothing that I say?

Luke looks uncertainly out at the ship.

LUKE
Master, moving stones around is one thing. This is totally different.

YODA
No! No different! Only different in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned.

LUKE
(focusing, quietly)
All right, I'll give it a try.

YODA
No! Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.

Luke closes his eyes and concentrates on thinking the ship out.

Slowly, the X-wing's nose begins to rise above the water. It hovers for a moment and then slides back, disappearing once again.

LUKE
(panting heavily)
I can't. It's too big.

YODA
Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hm? Mmmm.

Luke shakes his head.

YODA
And well you should not. For my ally in the Force. And a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we...
(Yoda pinches Luke's shoulder)
... not this crude matter.
(a sweeping gesture)
You must feel the Force around you.
(gesturing)
Here, between you... me... the tree... the rock... everywhere! Yes, even between this land and the ship!

LUKE
(discouraged)
You want the impossible.

Quietly Yoda turns toward the X-wing fighter. With his eyes closed and his head bowed, he raises his arm and points at the ship... Nothing happens.

Soon, it becomes apparent that the fighter is not going to rise above the water, or move at all, and Artoo beeps humorously. Artoo's mocking chirps become so loud thet attract the attention of sulking Luke.
He walks toward Yoda, incredulous.

LUKE
I don't... I don't believe it. You're not even a Jedi Master, are you?

YODA
(looks at the ground ashamed)

 

Luke crashed on the other side of Dagobah.
---
Ben became addicted to spice during his exile on Tatooine.

 

"It's them! Blast them!"
*Stormtroopers have perfect aim and cut Han, Leia, Luke and Chewie to shreds*

 

After R2 and 3PO are separated, 3PO doesn't just see a skeleton of a krayt dragon, he sees an actual living one, and gets chewed up and eaten by it. Then R2, with no 3PO to translate for him, can't get his restraining bolt removed, the Stormtroopers find him at the Lars homestead, and all are killed.

 

The Tantive IV ain't intercepted by no Star Destroyer. Arrives in Tatooine, takes Ben Kenobi to Alderaan. Find the weak point. The rebels destroy the Death Star. Luke never joins the rebellion and stays a farmer for the rest of his life.

 

Obi-Wan: "Do you believe what Count Dooku said about Sidious controlling the Senate? It doesn't feel right".

Windu: "Wait. Sidious. Syfo-dyas. The second is clearly a lazy alias of the former!"*.

Yoda: "Idiots, we are. Manoeuvred into accepting this clone army, we have been".

(*I don't care what the EU says )

 

Obi-Wan: I don't seem to remember owning any droids.

R2-D2: *beep* *beep* *bloop* *dwoooooooo*

Luke: That's funny because this droid says he knows you, and that he was with the Jedi in the Clone Wars... That must mean you know my father.

Obi-Wan: Oh, erm well, yes. He was a good friend.

Luke: So then, this IS your droid?

Obi-Wan: Erm well, I mean, I'm not so sure about that, like I said, I...

Luke: What's this?

R2-D2: "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi! You're my only hope!"

Luke: That lady sent a message to you... obviously this is your droid... what other stuff is recorded in here?

Obi-Wan: No wait Luke! Don't!

Luke happens upon a recording of segments of the Mustafar duel. Obi-Wan grows pale, and Luke passes out in shock, hitting his head on a sharp rock. Tragically Luke succumbs to his injuries and Obi-Wan walks off into the desert sunset, never to be seen again.

End Credits.

... Well gosh, that ended up more grim than I expected it to be. lol

 

PRINCESS LEIA HOLOGRAM: I have placed information vital to the survival of the Rebellion in the memory system of this Artoo unit. Only Captain Antilles will know how to retrieve it.

 

Elan Sel'Sabagno: You wanna buy some death sticks?
Obi-Wan: Sure, what's life without a little risk.

Obi-Wan uses a death stick, dies.

 

Palpatine: If you will not join the dark side, then neither will I. Let's go to the beach.