SWC How Star Wars Could've Ended in 1 minute

Obi-Wan drops Luke off at the Lars Homestead, not knowing that the couple he has unwittingly handed off the last hope for the Galaxy to is merely a pair of grifters, who have the real owners of the Lars Homestead, Owen and Beru, tied up in the garage. Obi-Wan checks back weeks later, only to find two corpses, and no sign of Luke.

 

Threepio: "Our last master was Captain Antilles-"
Luke: "Antilles?! He stole my girlfriend! I demand vengeance!"
*Luke grabs a wrench and proceeds to dismantle the droids, laughing manically*
Beru: "Owen. Luke is doing that thing again."
Owen: "Geez, that kid really needs to get over that girlfriend business..."
Luke: "I am the Alpha and the Omega!"
Owen: "Will you shut up, kid?!"

 

Anakin: "Tell your sister, you were right."
Anakin wakes up, still in his slave quarters on Tatooine.
Anakin: "What a crazy dream.."
*Later that day, a Nubian Starship, piloted by a drunk Obi-Wan that snuck into Padmes liquor cabinet again, crashes down on Wattos shop, exploding and killing everyone instantly, aside from Anakin.
Anakin: "Yippie!"

 

Palpatine: I never wanted to be Emperor. I wanted to be a lumberjack!

 

VADER: "Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son!"
LUKE: "Sure thing!"
VADER: "Yippie!"

 

Vader: I am not your father. I'm just ****ing with you.

 

OBI-WAN: "Here, Master. Tatooine... It's small, out of the way, poor... The Trade Federation has no presence there."

QUI-GON: "Are you kidding me? I'm not landing on that dustball. Let's hit the casinos on Bespin. I'm feeling lucky!"

 

Where Qui-Gon got drunk, lost all his credits and sold Padme and her handmaidens to pay off his debt.

 

INT. JEDI TEMPLE, MAIN HALLWAY - DAY
OBI-WAN walks through the main hallway to the training area.

INT. JEDI TEMPLE, TRAINING VERANDA - DAY
OBI-WAN comes out onto the veranda and stops, watching TWENTY or so FOUR-YEAR-OLDS doing training exercises, supervised by YODA. They wear helmets over their eyes and try to strike little TRAINING DROIDS with their miniature lightsabers. The DROIDS dance in front of them.

YODA
Don't think... feel... be as one with the Force. Help you, it will.
(he sees Obi-Wan)
Younglings - enough! A visitor we have. Welcome him.

The YOUNGLINGS take off their helmets and turn off their lightsabers.

YOUNGLINGS
Welcome, Master Obi-Wan!

OBI-WAN
(looks nervous and distraught)
I am sorry to disturb you, Master.

YODA
What help to you, can I be?

OBI-WAN
I’m looking for a planet described to me by an old friend. I trust him. But the system doesn’t show up on the archive maps.

YODA
An interesting puzzle. Gather round the map reader, younglings. Master Obi-Wan has lost a planet. Find it, we will try... Liam, the shades.

The map reader is a small shaft with a hollow opening at the top. The CHILDREN gather around it. OBI-WAN takes out a little glass ball and places it into the bowl. The window shades close darkening the room and the reader lights up, projecting the star map hologram into the room. The CHILDREN laugh. Some of them reach up to try and touch the nebulae and stars. OBI-WAN walks into the display.

OBI-WAN
This is where it ought to be... but it isn’t. Gravity is pulling all the stars in this area inward to this spot. There should be a star here... but there isn’t.

YODA
Most interesting. Gravity’s silhouette remains, but the star and all its planets, disappeared, they have. How can this be?

There is a brief pause. Then a CHILD puts its hand up. YODA nods.

JEDI YOUNGLING
Because Master Obi-Wan erased it from the archive memory, and he's going to try to blame it on Count Dooku, eventually.

OBI-WAN stares, horrified; YODA chuckles.

YODA
Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is. To the centre of the pull of gravity go, and find your planet your padawan will.

OBI-WAN
(panicking)
Anakin..? But he's not ready! And, besides, Master Yoda, how could I have erased information from the archives? That’s impossible, isn’t it? And, what motive would I possibly have?!

YODA
(frowning)
Your friend Dexter Jettster, a wild one he is. Hanging around with him, lately, too much you have been. See through you, even the younglings can.
(closes his eyes)
Your feelings are strong for... a Kaminoan... A female... Yes.. the planet's name is Kamino... Taun We, yes.. Taun We is the lady Kaminoan's name...

OBI-WAN
(Drawing, and igniting his lightsaber)
Impossible!! I was only on Kamino ONE TIME! ONE TIME! And besides, Anakin has had an obvious attachment to Senator Amidala for the past TEN YEARS...!

YODA
(yells sternly)
Silence! Making stuff up, you are. Ratting out your padawan, a major cop-out that is. Expelled from the Jedi Order, you will be.

OBI-WAN
(devastated, de-activates his light saber)
As you wish, Master Yoda...

 

That was brutal to read. But funny.

 

Vader: "Luke...help me take this mask off"
Luke: "But you'll die"
Vader: "Nothing can stop that now. Just once let me look on you with my own eyes"
Luke nods with tears welling in his eyes. He tries to lift off the mask but it appears to be stuck.
Luke: "I can't...it's, wow you sure wear it tight....it's really....aargh stuck on here..."
Vader: "No, ouch no there's a button on the side..."
Luke: "No no I got it....oh damn no I haven't...aargh!! come on...what's with this thing!..."
Vader: "Aah Luke wait....my neck!...This is strange, usually it lifts off without a problem. Maybe if I roll onto my side you can AAARGHHH"
Luke: "Sorry father, I thought I could kick it off"
Vader: "That's ok. I think the lightning may have fused it on. Do you have your lightsaber?"
Luke: "No I threw it away to show the Emperor how good I am, remember?"
Vader: "Haha yes that was most impressive"
Luke: "HEY...HEY, YEAH YOU, STORMTROOPER. YOU WANNA GIVE ME A HAND HERE? STOP RUNNING! COME ON IT'LL ONLY TAKE A SECOND!!"
Luke: "Did you see that? Selfish *******. Look father I think we may have to forget the helmet thing. How about we..."


BARDAN EDIT: You need to star out the entire word.

 

Luke: he told me enough he told me you killed him

Vader: you were with him?? he's trying to turn you against meeee *force chokes Luke to death*

*Luke falls*

Vader: perhaps I really need to see someone about this.

 

Anakin: I prefer the desert to temperate zones and city climates. **** off Qui Gon.

 

Vader: "Aah Luke wait....my neck!...This is strange, usually it lifts off without a problem. Maybe if I roll onto my side you can AAARGHHH"
Luke: "Sorry father, I thought I could kick it off"
--------------

read this a few times now and still makes me LOL

 

Luke, after losing his duel with Vader, falls out of the underside of Cloud City.

Sadly, the weathervane he would've landed on had been taken down for repairs that day, and poor Luke plummets into the core of Bespin.

 

ELAN SLEAZEBAGGANO: You. wanna buy some death sticks?

OBI-WAN KENOBI: You don't want to sell me death sticks...

ELAN SLEAZEBAGGANO: I don't wanna sell you...

OBI-WAN KENOBI (looks around for Anakin, doesn't see him): Ah, blast it... I'll take 3... Do you have them in "Bantha Poodo" flavor? They have such funny names for these things...

After mixing the poison from death sticks with his already extreme intoxication from his drink, Obi-Wan dies of an overdose.

 

Grand Moff Tarkin: Princess Leia, before your execution, you will join me at a ceremony that will make this battle station operational. No star system will dare oppose the Emperor now.

Princess Leia Organa: The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers.

Grand Moff Tarkin: Not after we demonstrate the power of this battle station. In a way, you have determined the choice of the planet that is to be destroyed first. Since you are reluctant to provide us with the location of the Rebel base, I have chosen to test this station's destructive power on your home planet of Alderaan.

Princess Leia Organa: [shocked] No! Alderaan is peaceful, we have no weapons. You can't possibly—

Lord Vader: Governor, there will be a change of plans. Set our course for Coruscant. That will be our first target.

Grand Moff Tarkin: (shocked) But my Lord, that's where his highness the Supreme Emperor himself resides!

Lord Vader: *nods and silently smiles from behind his mask*

 

Shmi Skywalker: He can help you... he was meant to help you. But I still won't let him ride in that stupid race. Neener-neener-neener...

 

Palpatine: Let them have this moment
Anakin: I will kill you now
Palpatine: If you have the will power to do so
Anakin slashes Palpatine through the back.
Vader: The Empire is now mine

 

Darth Vader: No, I felt her. She was alive. LIAR!

*Leaps forward and throttles Palpatine to death*

Darth Vader: Hey, killing that Sith felt good. I like being a Jedi

*Reaches into the Force for the Jedi*

Anakin Skywalker: Hey guys...I'm sorry. Can I come back to the Order?

*Remembers what happened*

Anakin Skywalker: Oh yeah....crud.

 

The Jedi don't arrive in time to save Anakin, Padme and Obi-Wan

Anakin holds onto Padme: I guess this is it.
Padme wipes a tear away as the monsters closes in: I guess so. I love you.
Anakin and Padme kiss as Obi-Wan trips and gets stabbed.
Anakin: I will always love you.
Blaster bolts ring out and both fall to the ground dead.

 

The opening crawl is actually Satanic scrawl.

 

When Luke nearly runs off that chasm in ANH "I think we took a wrong turn" - he loses his balance and falls, dragging Leia with him.

 

In Shadows of the Empire a book between ESB and ROTJ

Leia, Lando and Dash don't make it out of Xizor's building before the detonator Lando throws down the garbage shoot goes off.

Luke loses the fight to Guri

 

(I've posted this before elsewhere on TFN boards but extremely apt for this thread)