SWC How Star Wars Could've Ended in 1 minute

Artoo fails to shut down the garbage compacter

 

Love this one.

 

"Now witness the power of the fully operational battle station!"

Jerjerrod fires the superlaser directly at Endor, killing Han, Leia, Chewie, the droids and all the Ewoks.

The ensuing chunks of Endor destroy the Rebel and Imperial fleets, leaving only the Death Star II standing.

 

LUKE: So... you got your reward and you're just leaving then?
HAN: That's right, yeah! I got some old debts I've got to pay off with this stuff. Even if I didn't, you don't think I'd be fool enough to stick around here, do you? Why don't you come with us? You're pretty good in a fight. I could use you.
LUKE: I really should... Everybody here just thinks I'm some loser from nowhere, anyway... When do we leave?
HAN: As soon as I'm done loading these boxes onto the Falcon.
Han finishes loading his cargo onto the Falcon. Luke boards with Han and Chewie without saying a word to anyone.
HAN: This is probably the first decision you've ever made on your own, and the best decision you've ever made. How does it feel?
Luke: Great! But, it's funny... You know... I've been hearing what sounds like old Ben talking to me in my head since I watched him die on that battle station.
HAN: (laughing) He really had you going with that Force stuff, huh?
LUKE: I guess... How do I get rid of the voice, though?
Han: Spice. Lots, and lots of spice.
LUKE: Where do I get that?
HAN: We're heading there right now. I'll hook you up.

 

But, where the ambassadors?

*The ambassadors walk in*

 

YODA: "Rootleaf! Heh, heh! I grow!"
LUKE: "Rootleaf? I'm deathly allergic- agggghhhhhh!!! Artoo! I neeeeed my injection I....gakkkkkkk."

 

Sheev: The Dark Side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities *some* consider to be . . . un-natural.
Anakin: Then, stop talking about it! We don't want to tempt fate, here.
Sheev: Anyway... He became so powerful . . . the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power, which eventually, of course, he . . .
Anakin: That's it! I'm out of here! It told you to STOP! DON'T EVER TALK TO ME AGAIN!
Anakin runs out of the Opera House as hastily as he ran in.

 

Padme taking Obi-Wans words at face value, arrived at Mustafar and now in a fit of blind fury, drives her ship directly on the platform Anakin was standing on. Killing her, Anakin, Obi-Wan, the twins, and the droids in one fell swoop.

 

Anakin kills Padme and the twins. Obi-Wan kills Anakin in his grief.

 

Obi-Wan sneaks on-board Padme's ship, finds what he thinks is an ideal hiding spot, and closes the door behind him.

It is unknown to Obi-Wan for quite some time, but when he used the Force to shut the door behind him, highly calibrated sensors detected a ripple in the Force, and welding torches built discretely into the door frame were activated. These sealed off any entrance or exit, trapping him in the cargo compartment of Padme's ship, which secretly doubled as an onboard panic room.

This secret panic room had also been armor shielded to resist being cut by lightsaber blades, in the likely event, during the Clone Wars, that Force-sensitives such as Dooku, or Ventress would try to kidnap Padme.

On the good side, he has food and life support for months.

On the bad side, he can't get out, and nobody knows he's there; the communications system was deactivated after the death of Count Dooku, and only a person who knows the correct pass code can release him.

Oh, and Darth Vader takes over the galaxy with a reluctant, frightened Padme at his side.

 

GENERAL MADINE: "We have stolen a small Imperial Shuttle. Disguised as a cargo ship and using a secret Imperial code, a strike team will land on the moon and deactivate the shield generator."
THREEPIO: "Sounds dangerous."
LEIA: "Wonder who they found to pull that off?"
GENERAL MADINE: "General Kitster Banai, is your strike team assembled?"
GENERAL KITSTER: "Oh yeah, it's going to be soooooooo wizard! We got it all covered! Pow, pow, boom, yeah! Wizard! Yippie!"
LEIA: "Han?"
HAN: "Yes?"
LEIA: "We should quit. Now."

 

Yoda walks into the Palpatine's office and sees a collection of centerfolds on his wall from the "The Next Top Sith Model" competition.

 

"Qui-Gon told me to stay in this cockpit so that's what I'm going to do!"
*With Qui-Gon dead and not able to tell him otherwise, Anakin stays in the cockpit of the Naboo Starfighter. Forever.*

 

...and somehow miraculously through this simple act of obedience fulfills his destiny as the Chosen One restoring balance to the galaxy.

 

Watto - "What, you think you're some kind of jedi, waving your hand around like that?"
Qui-Gon: "You're right, I'm not cut out for this. What was I thinking"

This sends Qui-Gon into a spiral of despair, and he ends up a drunken wreck.

 

Mas Amedda: If only Senator Amidala were here...
Supreme Chancellor Palpatine: Hmmmm...
BAIL ORGANA sees JAR JAR BINKS looking impatient and conflicted.
Bail Organa: Don't even *think* about it, Representative Binks!
Jar Jar Binks: (looking defeated) Okeeday, Senator Organa.

 

Palpatine is dining with the Jedi council and sees order number 66 on the menu and says "This dish is killer...especially for Jedi scum...err...uh...I mean tasty for Jedi tummies...yes...that's what I meant." Embarrassed, he starts squirming, causing his lightsaber to fall out and ignite the red blade. "Darth, I mean darn...Sith...I mean ***t!"

 

EXT. NABOO, MOUNTAIN MEADOW - LATER AFTERNOON

PADMÉ and ANAKIN are in the middle of an idyllic hilly meadow, its lush grasses sprinkled with flowers. At a distance, a herd of SHAAKS graze contentedly.

Beyond is the shimmering expanse of the lake. Several other lakes stretch to the horizon. The warm air is full of little floating puffballs. They sit on the grass, in a playful, coy mood, talking. PADMÉ is picking flowers.

PADMÉ: I don't know...

ANAKIN: Sure you do... you just don't want to tell me.

PADMÉ: Are you going to use one of your Jedi mind tricks on me?

ANAKIN: They only work on the weak-minded.

PADMÉ: All right... his name was Palo. I was twelve. We were both in the Legislative Youth Program. He was a few years older than I... very cute... dark curly hair... dreamy eyes.

ANAKIN: All right, I get the picture... what happened to him?

PADMÉ: I went on to become a Queen. He went on to become an artist. That didn't really work out too well for him, what with the invasion, and all... And his parents were murdered by the Trade Federation, so he literally had... *nothing*.

PADMÉ sniffs, and wipes away a tear.

PADMÉ (composing herself): So... after a few years, he made his way back to Theed, a pauper. He sought me out, secretly, after his return. We rekindled our love and were secretly wed. I mean, nobody would accept a former Queen of Naboo getting involved with a penniless beggar, so...

ANAKIN: Um, that's really interesting, Senator... Can I go back to Coruscant, now? I'm going to contact the Jedi Temple, and...

PADMÉ: NO! *You* wanted to know about Palo, and, as ( PADMÉ makes air quotes with her fingers) "the one in charge of security here, m'lady!" you should know that Palo is pretending to be one of my handmaidens. We're very similar, in height and stature - and with a little padding, here and there, he fits right in with the rest of them - so, after he faked his own death, we found the perfect place to hide him in plain sight, so he can be with me, always...

ANAKIN stands, stumbles a bit, and begins to run away.

PADMÉ: Anakin, where are you going?! Come back! I'm not done telling you about Palo, yet!

ANAKIN stops, some distance away.

ANAKIN (shouting): Oh, but *I'M* done!

ANAKIN starts running again.

PADMÉ (sighs): Works every time... (giggles)

 

Anakin doesen't drop when Qui Gon tells him to in star wars 1 and darth Maul kills anakin. (It's while they're on their way to the ship to get off Tatooine)

 

Anakin: I'd like to order 66 pizzas (gets shot down by the 501st).

 

Luke enlists in the Imperial Academy. He becomes a TIE pilot and Wedge shoots him down at Yavin.

 

American Graffiti is a flop. Producers won't even LOOK at GL. Winston_Smith ends things in hours? I just ended it before it even started!

 

George Lucas continues racing cars and becomes the greatest NASCAR driver of all time.

 

Anakin unfortunately decides to reuse the line "Are you an angel?" during his fireside chat with Padme on Naboo.

 

Qui-Gon meets with Quinlan Vos in Mos Espa, who gives the group the credits they need to repair the ship, therefore bypassing Watto's shop altogether.