SWC How Star Wars Could've Ended in 1 minute

Ben: "But the Princess is rich. If you help her you could buy more moisture than you can possibly imagine"

 

Luke: "I want to come with you to Alderaan. There's nothing for me here now. I wanna learn the ways of the For..."
R2D2: "beep beep chrip zoot beep whirl beep"
C3PO: "Sir, Artoo has just noticed some breaking news on the holonet. Apparently the planet Alderaan has been destroyed by the Empire"
Ben: ...looks at Luke
Luke: ...looks at Ben
Ben: [shrugs] "Well, I guess I'd better get back to my hut, it's getting late"
Luke: "Yeah no problem. I'll get these droids back home & bury my aunt & uncle"
Ben: "Yes of course....Er Luke please drop by sometime for a cup of tea if you're in the area"
Luke: "Well I'm gonna be busy rebuilding the farm but...sure I'll try to drop by. Come on you two"

 

Luke: "My father didn't fight in the war, he was a navigator on a spice freighter"
Ben: "That's what your uncle told you"
Luke: "Wait...are you saying my uncle lied to me...about my own father?? What kind of lowlife would do that!? Lie to someone about how their father died!! That's a disgrace!! So...what did happen to him?"
Ben: "Ah...well...er.......he was a Jedi knight, a pupil of mine until he turned to evil. I cut off his arms & legs & left him to die next to some lava, oh he was on fire at the time by the way. Anyway the funny thing is he um...survived & he's now er.....Darth Vader"
Luke: "Boy...my Uncle was right. You really are just a crazy old wizard. I guess my Dad was just a navigator. Come on 3PO, lets go"

 

"Are you threatening me, Master Jedi?"
"The Senate will decide your fate."
"I *am* the Senate."
"Hmmmm... Good point. Back to the drawing board, fellas. Someone call the Jedi lawyers we have on retainer, and get a cup of coffee, this may take awhile..."

 

EXT. CORUSCANT - CITYSCAPE - NABOO SPACECRAFT - DAY (FX)

The spacecraft flies through the endless cityscape of Coruscant, the capital of the galaxy.

INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - COCKPIT

ANAKIN looks out the cockpit window with RIC OLIE.

RIC OLIE: Coruscant...the entire planet is one big city. There’s Chancellor Valorum’s shuttle. And look over there. Senator Palpatine is waiting for us.

SENATOR PALPATINE stands alone on the landing platform as Supreme Chancellor VALORUM and his GUARDS exit a ship. PALPATINE turns his head to watch the Naboo spacecraft approach. It touches down on the platform. Suddenly there's an abnormally strong gust of wind, which blows the unsuspecting SENATOR PALPATINE over the edge of the platform, before VALORUM and his GUARDS reach him, and as the Naboo party comes down the ramp.

AMIDALA: Where are you, Senator?
JAR JAR: Where'd hesa go?

 

"the whole cantina doesn't like you"

Obi: I don't like you either Luke

*activates lightsaber*

 

C3PO: "Oh, they've encased him in carboine. He should be quite well protected, if he survived the freezing process, that is."
VADER: "Well, Calrissian. Is he alive?"
LANDO: "Nope."
VADER: "Damn, this isn't going to work on Skywalker, then. Let's go. I'll get him another day."

 

Lando: "If you put him in there it might kill him"
Vader: "I do not want the Emperor's prize damaged. We will test it, on Captain Solo"
Lando: "Couldn't you test it on one of these little pig men?"
Vader: "...Yeah that's a good point"

 

Lando: "If you put him in there it might kill him"
Vader: "I do not want the Emperor's prize damaged. We will test it you, Calrissian."

 

INT. WATTO'S JUNK SHOP

WATTO, a pudgy blue alien who flies on short little wings, is making notes on an electronic pad. A bell rings, he looks up, and flies towards the group.

WATTO: (speaking Huttese) Good day to you. What do you want.
QUI-GON: I need parts for a J-type 327 Nubian.
WATTO: (speaking English) Ah yes, Nubian. We have lots of that. (Huttese) Boy, get in here now!
QUI-GON: My droid has a readout of what I need.
WATTO: Boy, why don't you ever listen to me? I said, get in here NOW!

A disheveled boy, ANAKIN SKYWALKER, runs in from the junk yard. He is about nine years old, dressed in rags, is on fire and covered with ash. He falls over dead.

WATTO: Oh, no! My slave! I told him to be careful with those fan switches... Now where were we... Nubian, eh...

 

Palpatine(alone in his office): Ah, so it seems that Skywalker is slowly slipping into the dark side. Soon, I will make him my apprentice, we'll destroy the Jedi Order, and I will be Emperor! (Laughs evilly, then turns around to see Anakin standing behind him in shock). Uh...hello there, Anakin....

Anakin: You're trying to turn me to the dark side?! I'm reporting you to the Council! (Runs off)

Palpatine: ****!

Sent from my stupid little astro droid using TapaTalk 2.

 

BREAKING HOLONET NEWS

Senator Ainlee Teem of Malastare wins the Special Election for Supreme Chancellor in a crushing upset victory versus fellow Senators, Bail Antilles of Alderaan, and Palpatine of Naboo. Palpatine had hoped the recent Trade Federation Blockade "Crisis" would garner him a sort of "sympathy vote", however, no "sympathy" seems to be present for the, some would say, manufactured "plight" of the Outer Rim planet. This utter defeat puts into question the futures of both Senators Antilles and Palpatine in the Senate, and Politics in general. The Chancellor-Elect, Teem had been quoted denouncing Palpatine as a "conspiracy theorist", and ran on a platform of...

 

Darth Plagueis: You are unworthy of succeeding me as Dark Lord of the Sith, Sidious. *kills him*

Sent from my stupid little astro droid using TapaTalk 2.

 

GENERAL MADINE: "General Solo, is your strike team assembled?"
HAN: "Ah, uh... well..uhm....y'see..." *runs for the door* "Chewie, get us outta here!"
*Chewbacca roars his agreement, Falcon takes off into CorSec, never to be seen again.*

 

*Opening scene from ANH of a Star Destroyer pursuing the Princess' rebel ship. Scene then cuts to Vader just receiving a hologram message from Sidious.*

Sidious: Lord Vader, I have foreseen that if this ship is taken into custody, that it will lead to chain of events that will eventually destroy the Death Star, allow the Emprie to fall and lead to both of our deaths. Cancel the previous orders, and destroy the ship, immediately.

Vader: As you wish, my Master.

 

INT: PALPATINE'S OFFICE

PALPATINE: I need your help s-

Anakin's comlink chimes loudly.

COMLINK: Master Skywalker, come quick. Padme has gone into early labour! She's having twins! Hurry, we will take you to her!

A big smile crosses Anakin's face

ANAKIN: Sorry, gotta go! I'm going to be a father!

Anakin quickly does a weak half-bow and turns, running away out of the office.

ANAKIN: Yippee!!

 

ANAKIN: I HATE YOU!!!!
*Out onto the Mustafar shores steps Kermit the Frog with a banjo. He begins to tenderly sing.*
KERMIT:Why are there so many...songs about rainbows? And what's on the other side....
*Both Anakin and Obi-Wan stop their tracks, turn and look at Kermit as he sings "Rainbow Connection". A lone tear runs down Anakin's face. As does Obi-Wan when Kermit finishes his tune.*
OBI-WAN: He's right! You are my brother Anakin, I love you!
ANAKIN: You too! I'm so sorry, Obi-Wan!
OBI-WAN: I am too! Let's get you to a med droid and all fixed up!
ANAKIN: Yay!

 

"Lord Vader, a young rebel dressed in black attempted to surrender to troopers on the Sanctuary Moon of Endor so we decided to shoot him on spot. The only good Rebel is a dead rebel, wouldn't you sa-URKKKK!! Choking...can't breathe...Why...?"

 

Han doesn't drop the spice.