JCC How To Live

Discussion in 'Community' started by ophelia, Feb 4, 2014.

  1. ophelia Cards Against Humanity Host. Ex-Mod

    Game Host
    Member Since:
    Jun 25, 2002
    star 6
    ITT I tell you how to live, one at a time.

    @DarthTunick, it has come to my attention that you are having difficulty securing employment, but who cares. What you really need to do is get into wild animal abduction. This can be done at zoos while the other patrons are distracted. A good way to get them distracted is to run around naked. A good way to keep them distracted is to put cyanide in the water supply.

    When you abduct a wild animal, be sure it's a panda. This is because pandas are lovely and expensive and belong to China, which has nuclear warheads. You may have heard that pandas only eat certain types of fresh bamboo, but this is only due to their manipulative and controlling nature. They must be dominated. Months-old packets of Fire sauce from Taco Bell will keep them healthy and submissive.

    You will only have to keep the panda for a few days until China will show up on your doorstep, asking for their panda back. Use it as a hostage. This is no time to be sentamental. In return for the panda, insist that China invade. Then live in an area where the means of production are collectivized--none of this Special Economic Zone crap. Then you will have a job and also probably a panda, because it will have developed Stockholm Syndrome and fallen in love with you.

    You are welcome.
  2. GrandAdmiralJello Community and Lit moderator person

    Manager
    Member Since:
    Nov 28, 2000
    star 10
    Me next, please.

    Misa ab iPhono meo est.
  3. I Are The Internets Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Nov 20, 2012
    star 7
  4. Ramza JC Head Admin and RPF Manager

    Administrator
    Member Since:
    Jul 13, 2008
    star 6
    Pandas: nature's S&M fans.
    DarthTunick likes this.
  5. GrandAdmiralJello Community and Lit moderator person

    Manager
    Member Since:
    Nov 28, 2000
    star 10
    Also ophie you forgot to mention that once China takes over, posting in red will be mandatory.


    Misa ab iPhono meo est.
    Violent Violet Menace likes this.
  6. ophelia Cards Against Humanity Host. Ex-Mod

    Game Host
    Member Since:
    Jun 25, 2002
    star 6
    @GrandAdmiralJello, you are a megalomaniac. The thing for you to do is become mod of a Star Wars messageboard and rule with an iron fist.

    Well done.

    @I Are The Internets, you are only tangentially relevant. This is because oh, look, a little ducky waddling across the road. The thing for you to do is hey, Tom Waits has a funny voice, ow, I've fallen down the stairs, and never, never, never wow Madonna's boobs are all saggy now.
  7. I Are The Internets Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Nov 20, 2012
    star 7
    That is a perfect representation of my posting style actually.
  8. Eeth-my-Koth Chosen One

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2001
    star 9
  9. harpua Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Mar 12, 2005
    star 8
  10. I Are The Internets Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Nov 20, 2012
    star 7
    That movie was able to be live-streamed on Netflix for the longest time, but I didn't take advantage of that.:(
  11. ophelia Cards Against Humanity Host. Ex-Mod

    Game Host
    Member Since:
    Jun 25, 2002
    star 6
    @harpua, it seems you have a habit of falling down and hurting all your limbs. You must go to the center of the earth where technically falling down is no longer possible. Because it will be as hot as the sun you must take Juliet316's music collection with you, to ensure it combusts.
  12. GrandAdmiralJello Community and Lit moderator person

    Manager
    Member Since:
    Nov 28, 2000
    star 10
    I do not know whether to feel accomplished that I have attained my calling, or empty because there is nothing left to do.




    Misa ab iPhono meo est.
  13. Zapdos Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 7, 2013
    star 5
    you should feel ashamed because your calling was to mod this place.
  14. I Are The Internets Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Nov 20, 2012
    star 7
    I guess what @ophelia is trying to tell me is that I can no longer live. Goodbye.
  15. ophelia Cards Against Humanity Host. Ex-Mod

    Game Host
    Member Since:
    Jun 25, 2002
    star 6
    @Darth_Guy, it seems you do not like many things. You can therefore improve your lifestyle by being convicted of war crimes and spending the rest of your life in a windowless cell in The Hague.

    A good war crime for you would be going to the Central African Republic and loudly complaining about airbrushed models on the cover of "Mademoiselle." This will cause so much local outrage that the entire nation will attempt to sail to New York in unseaworthy craft in order to remonstrate with the general editor. The sailing will be extremely slow due to the fact that the CAR is land-locked, and everyone will die of old age on the voyage.

    You monster.

    You MONSTER.
    Lazy Storm Trooper and Ender Sai like this.
  16. GrandAdmiralJello Community and Lit moderator person

    Manager
    Member Since:
    Nov 28, 2000
    star 10
    Well that's awfully judgmental. Do you look down on the humble hermit crab, whose destiny is to move from shell to shell like a vagrant?

    We can't all be giant electric birds of prey.


    Misa ab iPhono meo est.
    Zapdos likes this.
  17. slightly_unhinged Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 28, 2014
    star 3
    I have no need of this thread. My **** is totally together. I have it all.... the high fibre diet, access to some of the world's best Indian and Bengali restaurants, gallons of prune juice in my fridge. This is one polished **********ing turd right here.
    CT-867-5309 likes this.
  18. Rogue1-and-a-half Manager Emeritus who is writing his masterpiece

    Member Since:
    Nov 2, 2000
    star 7
    Post of the year so far. Dead serious.

    Now I need to know about me.
    Ender Sai likes this.
  19. ophelia Cards Against Humanity Host. Ex-Mod

    Game Host
    Member Since:
    Jun 25, 2002
    star 6
    @Rogue1-and-a-half, as a great writer it is your duty to tell people the truth--not the truth they seek, but the truth they need to hear. So rewrite all of Wikipedia with repetitions of precisely three statements: "You Are Fat," "No, That Cute Person Doesn't Like You," and "Just Make The Answer Up Instead Of Copying And Pasting For Once."
  20. VadersLaMent Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Apr 3, 2002
    star 9
  21. tom Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Mar 14, 2004
    star 6
  22. ophelia Cards Against Humanity Host. Ex-Mod

    Game Host
    Member Since:
    Jun 25, 2002
    star 6
    @VadersLaMent your yacht fund will never succeed, therefore you must turn to murder for hire. One or two really good killings for pay should get you the boat you want, after which you can retire, go sit on a sunny beach, and only wantonly destroy human life for fun.

    @tom unfortunately, the bottom will fall out of the rap market in 2015, leaving you no choice other than to become the pope. Once you are head of the Bride of Christ, you can seriously tackle the problem of evil in the world, or you can drink beer, put your red suede shoes up, and release a lot of encyclicals with a really smooth flow. I recommend the latter.
  23. VadersLaMent Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Apr 3, 2002
    star 9
    Kill a few for a boat? No problem.
  24. Adam of Nuchtern Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 2, 2012
    star 4
  25. ophelia Cards Against Humanity Host. Ex-Mod

    Game Host
    Member Since:
    Jun 25, 2002
    star 6
    @Adam of Nuchtern cultivate notoriety by exploding. Plenty of things have exploded in the past, so differentiate yourself by exploding repeatedly. If you do it often enough, you will become a tourist destination and possible UNESCO World Heritage Site. This will give you considerable bargaining power if you ever want to negotiate for a better job, more and tastier food, or a more attractive mate.
    CT-867-5309 likes this.