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FF:WA How to write your own EU novel

Discussion in 'Oceania Discussion Boards' started by soneil, Mar 17, 2001.

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  1. soneil Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 30, 2000
    star 4
    I've posted this several times elsewhere but a couple of people on this forum haven't seen it so here it is. I originally posted this on the newsgroups rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc and alt.fan.starwars a little over a year ago (That's where I used to hang out before fanforce).


    Just follow the outline below, pick appropriate options and you've got your very own authentic EU novel.

    1. 1 year after the battle of Endor
    2. 5 years after the battle of Endor
    3. 20 years after the battle of Endor
    4. during tea at the battle of Endor

    Rebel/New Republic forcers were surprised to discover.

    1. An evil plot by the empire to capture (insert name of annoying child of main character)
    2. An army of droids with red eyes that move from side to side
    3. Han wears a toupe
    4. A main character had children who weren't twins

    While seeking to find a solution to this surprising turn of events.

    1. Leia
    2. Han
    3. Lando
    4. Wedge's aun't Mabel

    crashes on

    1. Correlia
    2. Kessel
    3. Dagobah
    4. Ork

    and is attacked by

    1. the spirit of a long dead Sith Lord
    2. 10 metre long leaping orange sith sheep
    3. flying purple people eaters
    4. vicious knights who say 'ni'

    Just when all seems hopeless

    1. Jedi Master Luke Skywalker saves the day
    2. 5 year old jedi kid saves the day
    3. A tie shot down years ago and light years away at the Battle of Yavin, still spinning out of control, crashes on the baddie
    4. Someone remembers to use the force

    It soon becomes apparent that the empire are planning to use a new weapon that

    1. Destroys planets
    2. Destroys solar systems
    3. Destroys mynocks
    4. Ruffles Lando's hair

    When the empire test their new weapon

    1. Jedi Master Luke Skywalker saves the day
    2. It destroys a race of highly intelligent peaceful beings who are noted for their singing and remarkable macrame skills
    3. They forget to load it
    4. Admiral Ackbar shows up and destroys their entire fleet with his b-wing and a rather large docking claw

    During the brief peace that follows, Lando

    1. wins coruscant in a game of tiddliwinks and then loses it betting on blob races
    2. wins the falcon again in a game of sabacc with Han and then gives it back in return for a snappy new cape.
    3. wins some credits, buys some flowers and then offers them to Mara Jade who promptly plants them where the sun don't shine
    4. wins some credibility and friends (on second thought - that's a bit too far fetched)

    While

    1. on a diplomatic mission to bring peace to two warring worlds who threaten the peace of the entire new republic
    2. on a holiday
    3. doing a bit of spring cleaning
    4. Jedi Master Luke Skywalker is saving the day

    (insert name of one of the few characters in the entire galaxy who anything interesting actually happens to) just happens to be in the right place at the right time to

    1. foil an imperial plot
    2. witness a marvel of nature that only happens every 2836485 years
    3. discover a secret imperial installation hidden years ago by the emperor
    4. help Jedi Master Luke Skywalker save the day

    This leads them to the conclusion that

    1. the empire is almost beaten
    2. the emeror has returned as a clone (again!!!)
    3. the waterboy is the grandson of the great jedi mrgump erflishp and has the potential to top the class at Jedi Master Luke Skywalker's academy
    4. wookies that have just eaten green eggs and nerf have bad breath

    In the exiting climax to the story

    1. Jedi Master Luke Skywalker gets beaten up by ysalamiri draped nerf herders and then saves the day
    2. the bad guy is betrayed by his most trusted ally and retires, quite upset, to a life of solitude in the bfashrishrit force monastery on the remote planet of Barff
    3. Bobba Fett appears, looks tough, get's his butt kicked and appears to die (until fans miss him enough to drag him out for another story)
    4. Lobot is revealed to be a Borg operative (oops - wrong world there)


    There you have it. It's a proven formula. It's true. People buy this stuff.

    <disclaimer>I actually do like Star Wars a lot and I like some of the novels
  2. Ghost-of-Spider Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 30, 2000
    star 3
    I also like SW a lot, and that was damn funny:)
    What worries me is the fact I think some writer are using your scale :D
  3. soneil Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 30, 2000
    star 4
    When I originally posted this, some people actually posted what they'd come up with based on my guide. I never expected anyone to bother but it was funny reading some of them.
  4. Sith Magician Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 14, 1999
    star 5
    Someone posted something similar about an EP2 eu script in aus general [face_devil]
  5. Grizzly Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 22, 2000
    star 4
    yeah.. i had a look at the first couple of pages, then clicked the page select arrow, and there were 87 pages as of last night!!!!
  6. soneil Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 30, 2000
    star 4
    Mine never got that many replies. I think mine was funnier too. :(
  7. Sith Magician Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 14, 1999
    star 5
    Um, well, no not really...
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