How would Famous Authors write your favorite SW Scene?

The idea for this thread came from a bit in a recent Mad Magazine that had authors like Tom Clancy and Danielle Steele doing novelizations of boring TV shows.
I wondered how certain SW scenes and situations would be written by famous authors.
Here are a few that come to mind.

Clancy at the battle of Endor:
Wicket picked up a 1.45 meter spear. He chose the franziwood spear over the ones made of garic and figii, favoring strength over accuracy. The franzi spear with its 45 mm shaft, .85 kilo mygar stone head and 3.8 cm long corme-feather fletching had served him well in the past.

Frugal Gourmet doing the restaurant scene from I Jedi:
Our gracious hostess, a lovely Twi'lek, tried to dissuade me from ordering the groint stew. Craig tried the Mynoc Flambe, but I've always considered flambeing a mynoc a waste of good Corellian whiskey)

How about Daphne du Maurier writing about Mara as HttE opens:
Last night I dreamed of Coruscant again. It seemed to me I stood by the Emperor's throne

Or Margaret Wise Brown doing "Good Night Wompa"

Perhaps a video clip of Mr Rogers visiting Death Star II, interviewing an Imperial guard:
What an important job you must have, guarding the Emperor. I'll bet you're proud at the end of the day. Do all the guards dress like this in bright red? Red is a favorite color of mine. My, you sure are fancy on the outside.

==================================================
You get the picture. Have fun!

 

Imagine what Grand Admiral Thrawn would be like written by either of our favorite authors: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle or Gaius Iulius Caesar....

 

Brian Jacques' representation of the monumental scene in TESB. Luke and Vader as moles.

"Oi tuld me enuff! Hoi tuld 'ee oi kuld him!"

"Noi, oi am yore vater."

"Noiiiiiiiiii, thet issa tuuue. Doi impossebel!"

"Surch oi furlin'. Oi knoi issa tue."

"Noi, Noiiiiii!"

"Jwoin moi. Toigether 'ee can o'erthrow da Emporer."

"Noi, 'ee neever jwoin oi!"

[Luke the mole releases clutches and falls into the shadows of oblivion]

 

ROTFL

 

That was the funniest thing I've heard in a while, my hat is off to you my friend!

 

Lets see what about...um err I got nothing

 

Up

 

I have a book called 'Treks Not Taken' and deals with Star Trek episodes as if written by famous authors like Hemmingway, Clancy, King, Chrihton, Conrad etc. it's cute, but I don't think the author went far enough.

 

J.K. Rowling, writing Anakin's meeting with Tahiri;
"My name's Tahiri Veila; hey, you're Anakin Solo! You're in "A History of the Jedi Order"! You got that scar when the Emperor tried to take over your body, right? You'd better change into your jumpsuit; we're almost ready to come out of hyperspace. I wonder what house we'll be in?"

 

William Gibson writing Star Wars...

The sky above the cantina was the color of a datapad, one not getting a signal.
"Even I get boarded sometimes," Luke heard someone say, as he shouldered his way through the crowd around the door of the cantina. "It's like the galaxy's developed a big drug deficiency." It was a smuggler's voice and a smuggler's joke. The cantina was a bar for the professional dispossessed; you could drink there for a week and never hear two words in Basic.

With appologies to William Gibson.

 

lol!

 

Uppers.

 

SSJ2 Gohan...I loved your Mossflower bit. You have molespeak down pat!

 

I would like someone to produce a hare version, perhaps otter. That'd be hilarious.

 

How Jane Austen would write Vision of the Future

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single Jedi in possession of mastery of the Force, must be in want of a wife.

Luke and Mara were walking in the cave. Luke seemed particularly agitated and after a while finally spoke.

"In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings cannot be repressed," Luke said. "You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you. I ask you to put an end my suffering and consent to be my wife." Then quickly added, "You are too generous to trifle with me. If you feelings towards me are what they were, please tell me at once. One word from you will silence me on this subject forever."

Mara, taken completely by surprise by Luke's revelation, and feeling all the more than common awkwardness and anxiety of this situation, didn't allow her surprise to show. She kept her eyes focused on the floor at Luke's feet and said, "Oh, Luke. My feelings, they are so different from what they once were when we first met. They have undergone such a material change that I'd say they are exactly the opposite. Oh, Luke, I love you so very dearly, and yes, I will be your wife." Had Mara been able to encounter his eye, she might have seen how well the expression of heartfelt delight, diffused over his face, became him; but, though she could not look, she could listen, and he told her of feelings, which, in proving of what importance she was to him, made his affection every moment more valuable.

Because Luke was curious, he inquired as to when this change occurred. "Was it after our trek across Wayland that you began to think the better of me."

"Well, yes, after that I came to admire you greatly. Then you had your encounter with the reborn Emperor and I began to fear you. After living under the power of a Dark Lord before, I did not want to get too close to another who was influenced by the Dark Side. The episode with Exar Kun on Yavin only served to drive me even further away, though I think I always wanted to know you were safe. Then you were always running around from crisis to crisis and I had my own missions and responsibilities. It wasn't until this last year or so that I started thinking of you more and more, and found myself wanting to be near you, though I would not admit that to anyone then, except to you here right now. And when I noticed that you had stopped relying on the Force so much, I knew my fears of you being unduly influenced by the Dark Side were now baseless."

Finally Luke said, "You do not know how much those words please me, dearest, loveliest Mara."

**With apologies to Jane Austen for cribbing word-for-word some of the phrases from "Pride and Prejudice". Though the book is written in late 18th Century English, and takes some getting used to, I recommend it to anyone.

 

LOL!!!

 

Dear America is a very popular series for kids and young adults that is written through the diaries of teenage girls. So naturally, they would make The New Jedi Order Jaina's diary. And here's how it would go

Dear Diary,
Today I joined Rogue Squadron! Yipee! My over protective Mom didn't want me to join, but I did anyway! Yay! Yay! Yay!
Sincerely yours, Jaina

Dear Diary,
Today was just awful, awful, awful! They tricked me into thinking Jacen was dead! Even Jacen tricked me into thinking he was dead! Darn it, why can't we go back to those good old academy days when the worst he did was tell stupid jokes?
Sincerely yours, Jaina

Dear Diary,
Oooh, met a cute guy today! His name is Jag and he's from the Imperial Remnant. Haha, Mom won't be too happy. Oh well... last guy I dated was a Dark Jedi!
Sincerely yours, Jaina

Dear Diary,
Battle. Shot down a few corralskippers. Wish it was more. Die, Yuzzy Vong, die!
Sincerely yours, Jaina

Ok, so you get the idea. Heh heh, I love these books, but the style would totally suck for Star Wars.

 

Brilliant, Jade's Fire!!!

:-D

 

(gasping for breath) What Aleja said. And the others! Applause!!!

 

I loved this! More?
Today, while listening to Prairie Home Companion, Guy Noir, I thought, what if Guy Noir was a Star Wars Character, or some other way of combining the two could be imagined... I can't write, but I can imagine Guy-Gon Jinn, tall dark and handsome Jedi Knight, still seeking answers to life's persistent questions. Or maybe he'd be Guy Skywalker, Private Jedi Knight. And every time Leia or some pretty female enters the scene, we get the saxophone music.
Anybody competent wanna run with it?
thanks!

 

Oh that would be FUNNY!
OK. somebody has to do this one.

 

I can't give an example, but I would love to see Terry Pratchett write an X-Wing novel...

 

Garrison Keillor describing Anchorhead;
...All the tempreatuers were above average...

...Landspeeder ownership was a political thing in Anchorhead; all the Imperialists drove Sienars, bought from Steff Uzzel, the Imperialist speeder dealer. All the Force-believers drove Incoms, bought from "Smilin' Ben" Kenobi, the Jedi speeder dealer...

...And of course there'd be a character called Lars Lars!

 

When I first gazed into those big brown eyes, I thought life had just begun, and the nine years prior were merely a rehersal. She had the look of an angel-- with a heart shaped face, and legs up to her neck. Yeah, as dames go, she was rather top of the line. Like a shiney new repulser unit fresh off the conveyer.

I was tinkering with some junk laying around the office when she came in. The Big Boss was floating outside, talking with the lady's old-guy friend. Kinda made me wonder if that was her father, or if she was into the more experienced breed. She had this lanky looking fella with her, too. Kept bumping into things, and making a wreck of the place. One more "oopsa!" outta him woulda landed him the title of hors d'ouvre in a Sarlacc pit.

But back at the number in grey... The more I looked at her, the more I wanted to know what was going on in that head of her's... I cleared my throat, wiped the dust off my cheeks, and stared her right in the face.

"Hey, lady... you some kinda angel, or something?" I asked right out.

"You're a funny little boy", she replied-- a smile on her face that would melt butter.

"Little boy? Jeez, lady, cut my heart out and feed it to a bantha next time!"

****

Argh... that was all I could muster. heh heh...

Data463
(new kid in town)

 

Terry Pratchett and SW would be hilarious!

Lord Vetinari is the one person who could match Thrawn move for move.

But I digress.