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  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

[Humor] Funny stuff from around the net

Discussion in 'Denver, CO' started by Jedi_Knight_Birr, Sep 13, 2004.

  1. artoosmommy

    artoosmommy Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Mar 18, 2005
    ^^ I'm dying. I don't know which one I laughed louder at.
     
  2. ZOOfo-Dyas

    ZOOfo-Dyas Jedi Knight star 6

    Registered:
    Oct 3, 2004
  3. RubberDuckTape

    RubberDuckTape Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Oct 27, 2003
    Some Brittish humor. I stole these.

    I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

    Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

    The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
    bears.

    My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.


    My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
    was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me
    to sleep at night.

    Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
    were given pointed sticks?

    My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

    You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
    because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
    flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "****, I wasn't listening
    ..Self-raising?"

    The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
    punched someone in the face.

    I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
    the obvious one was "Shout For Help".


    Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

    A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
    hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
    the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a
    plumber".

    Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

    I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

    It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

    I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm
    not very good at it.

    If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a
    tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
    They're trained for that.
     
  4. RubberDuckTape

    RubberDuckTape Jedi Knight star 5

    Registered:
    Oct 27, 2003
    More humor, some of these I'd already seen...


    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
    things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
    published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these
    exchanges were actually taking place.
    Q: Are you sexually active?
    A: No, I just lie there.
    _________________________________
    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July 15th.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.
    ________________________________
    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    __________________________________
    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
    forgotten?
    _____________________________________
    Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.
    _____________________________________
    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
    that
    morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I. Doris?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.
    ______________________________________
    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
    the
    occult?
    A: We both do.
    Q: Voodoo?
    A: We do.
    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.
    ______________________________________

    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
    doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ___________________________________

    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    A: He's twenty
    _____________________________________

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    ______________________________________

    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?
    ______________________________________

    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?
    ______________________________________

    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
    ______________________________________

    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male or a female?
    ______________________________________

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
    notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    ______________________________________

    Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.
    ______________________________________

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
    autopsy.
    ______________________________________
    Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    ______________________________________

    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
    pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
    the
    autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
    law somewhere
     
  5. ZOOfo-Dyas

    ZOOfo-Dyas Jedi Knight star 6

    Registered:
    Oct 3, 2004
    [image=http://www.cad-comic.com/images/comics/20030707.jpg]
     
  6. Imperial_Birrer

    Imperial_Birrer Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 10, 2003
    [face_laugh] REBEL SCUM KISS THEIR SISTERS!!!
     
  7. mirax80

    mirax80 Retired Midwest RSA star 4 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Aug 20, 2003
  8. Imperial_Birrer

    Imperial_Birrer Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 10, 2003
    Its reasons like that why the jedi got owned.We drink our blue milk and Jedi like Obi-wan walk right up to the bar and drink away.
     
  9. nnaydolem

    nnaydolem Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Nov 8, 2002
    Zoom said this would be ok to post...i wasn't sure...but it is pretty darn funny!!

    CHUCK NORRIS REAL AMERICAN HERO!!!

    Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

    When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

    Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

    Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light.

    Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

    If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

    Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

    Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

    Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

    Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

    There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

    There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

    The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

    Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

    If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

    If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

    On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

    Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

    God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

    Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

    Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

    Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

    If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

    Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

    Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

    Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

    If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

    Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

    Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

    Chuck Norris invented water.

    One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

    Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

    Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

    Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
     
  10. Obey Wann

    Obey Wann Former RMFF CR & SW Region RSA star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jan 14, 2000
    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?



    ROTFLMAO!!!!!
     
  11. Zoom_Cthooga

    Zoom_Cthooga Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Jun 30, 2004
  12. Magdalene

    Magdalene Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 22, 2005
    "The Brokeback Strikes Back"


    http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=15816
     
  13. Zoom_Cthooga

    Zoom_Cthooga Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Jun 30, 2004
  14. Zoom_Cthooga

    Zoom_Cthooga Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Jun 30, 2004
  15. Zoom_Cthooga

    Zoom_Cthooga Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Jun 30, 2004
  16. Darkmood

    Darkmood Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Dec 15, 2004
  17. Sithis

    Sithis Jedi Youngling star 2

    Registered:
    Apr 28, 2005
    http://www.stereogum.com/archives/002283.html



    [face_flag] [face_good_luck] [face_flag]

     
  18. Sarnia

    Sarnia WOTR Liaison star 5

    Registered:
    Jun 1, 2004
    for those of you with livejournals

    come join the pirate vs ninja war!!!!!!


    http://www.livejournal.com/poll/?id=697146
     
  19. jthornto

    jthornto Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 20, 2005
  20. Jedi Girl of Corellia

    Jedi Girl of Corellia Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jun 23, 2000
    Hmm... I'd say I'm right on the third tier of that chart. Trekkie/Fanfic Writer/RPGer/SCA/Renfaire...
     
  21. Zoom_Cthooga

    Zoom_Cthooga Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Jun 30, 2004
  22. Kaety

    Kaety Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jan 30, 2005
    Our sherriffs dress like black commandos...maybe they should add bandanas and become ninjas...



    My aunt send me weird e-mails but this one was funny...

    Subject: Underware is Important
    >
    >
    > If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a
    > tray, because you are dead.
    >
    > Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your
    > vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a
    > Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car
    > break down in the parking lot.
    >
    > The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car
    > in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near
    > the car.
    >
    > On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under
    > the chassis.
    >
    > Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private
    > parts into glaringly public ones.
    >
    > Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly
    > put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
    >
    > On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself
    > staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
    >
    > The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
    >
     
  23. Zoom_Cthooga

    Zoom_Cthooga Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Jun 30, 2004
    This is AWESOME -- Man survives 12 nails in the head.

    Apparently they were in there since this past summer. He tried to commit suicide with a nailgun and was so high on meth that he didn't notice, couldn't remember, and just barely started complaining of a headache.
     
  24. Zoom_Cthooga

    Zoom_Cthooga Jedi Master star 6

    Registered:
    Jun 30, 2004
    If you live in P-town, there's no possible way you can buy more than 2 articles of clothing at a time without having an ink security tag left on, but cleverly hidden so you don't notice til you get home.

    These 2 links should help. Takes about 2 minutes with a Dremel -- cut open the side without the ink tags (I used a cutting wheel) and you'll find either bearings or a slotted piece of metal keeping the pin from being pulled out. Loosen that assembly up and yer all good.

    I doubt posting this is against TOS -- it's kinda hard to operate a Dremel in the fitting room without anyone noticing. :eek:

    Tomorrow I'll bust open the ink cartridges and see what kind of goodies are inside.

    http://blog.andrewwatters.com/tag/

    http://terrychay.com/blog/article/clothing-security-tags.shtml
     
  25. Darkmood

    Darkmood Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Dec 15, 2004
    This right here is why I LOVE the show Robot Chicken.

    Be warned contains mild swearing and rude gestures. lol


    Palpatine