Before - Legends (Humor) The Hardships of Being a Single Guardian in the GFFA?

Oh man, I'm loving this story! My Maul's first kill was a clown, huh?

I loved pin the tail on the Taun-Taun! DARTH SIDIOUS: That?s it. Use your aggressive instincts, boy. PIN THAT TAIL! Don?t think? feel it. Trust your instincts.

Maul's double-bladed lightsaber was a seventh birthday present?! DARTH SIDIOUS (Evil grin): Now, birthday boy? do the honors and cut the cake. You know what to do.

Maul ignites his lightsaber and begins slicing, wildly. All the guests run screaming out of the lair, with cake all over them. Darth Sidious watches everyone leave in terror and cackles in the delight of the moment. He then looks back at his young apprentice.

DARTH SIDIOUS: And many more? I kind of have a feeling no one will be coming to his 8th birtday party.

More soon!

 

Pity the poor soul who suggested Maul could be a *gasp* Jedi!!

I loved Maul using his new lightsaber to cut his cake...



Loved the update

 

This keeps getting better and better

Please dont stop

 

Maul as a little boy

I'm very glad I found this fic

 

DARTH SIDIOUS: That?s it. Use your aggressive instincts, boy. PIN THAT TAIL! Don?t think? feel it. Trust your instincts.

LMAO! What a dad!

 

Very funny idea. I can just imagine little Maul sitting in the principal's office, pouting, after having scared all the other children.

 

OH, that was splendid! I loved the giddy Palpatine, so excited about Maul getting a double-bladed saber. Yipee!

"No cake for you!"

Poor kid!

 

DARTH SIDIOUS: It isn?t cheating you vile little thing. He?s using the For~? uh, he?s just gifted.

gifted indeed!

I loved part 4! now i'll shut up so you can quit reading and write part 5!

 

PART FIVE: WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?

After a long and tiring day of debate in the Senate, Senator Palpatine comes home to unwind and enjoy supper. Everything is going as usual and the Dark Lord is enjoying his supper in silence. Young Maul finally breaks the silence with a rather unexpected question.

MAUL: Master, where did I come from?

DARTH SIDIOUS (Choking): Excuse me? (Clears throat) Well, you came from an adoption agency, of course.

MAUL: That?s not what I meant, master. I meant, how was I made?

DARTH SIDIOUS: Where is this line of questioning coming from? It?s that infernal tutor, isn?t it? I knew she was trouble the moment I hired her. I went ahead and hired her anyway? against my better judgment. The influence she had on me, with her big~

MAUL (Interrupting): What are you talking about, master? Lady Malandria didn?t do anything. My friend?s mom, down the hall, has a big stomach and I asked her why. She said that she was going to have a baby. Who put it there?

DARTH SIDIOUS: Oh, her. Well, with her, it could be any number of? oh, that is enough. This type of discussion, at the dinner table, isn?t appropriate! Now, finish up your supper and go practice your lightsaber techniques.

MAUL: Yes, master.

Young Maul rushes from the table, as Darth Sidious, unable to finish his meal, pushes his plate away. F8-22 comes in to clear the table.

F8-22: Was the meal not satisfactory, my Lord?

DARTH SIDIOUS: No, no. It was delicious, F8. I?ve just suddenly lost my appetite. I?m off of my game. He surprised me tonight. I should be ready for anything, but with him? He asked me THE question tonight.

F8-22: On reproduction? Oh, my. What did you tell him, my Lord?

DARTH SIDIOUS (Sighs): I dodged the subject. I?ve got to figure out something to tell him though. Once he gets his mind on something? he?s tenacious that way, as you know.

The next day, the Dark Lord returns from the library with data on reproduction and begins viewing files on the liar?s central computer. As F8-22 enters the room, Darth Sidious yells out an odd exclamation.

DARTH SIDIOUS: Goodness, gracious! I didn?t know they could put that there!

F8-22: Excuse me, my Lord? What are you talking about?

DARTH SIDIOUS: I?m trying to come up with ideas on how to address Maul?s recent curiosities. But with all the different species about the Galaxy? Oh! Now, would you look at that picture! I thought those were just third arms! No wonder Senator Gushoon, of the Tydack-Minor System, got so friendly with me the other day. I thought I was shaking his hand!

Darth Sidious quickly shuts off the computer in disgust. He begins to hastily walk back toward his bedroom.

F8-22: Where are you going, my Lord?

DARTH SIDIOUS: I suddenly feel the overwhelming need to take a shower.

Darth Sidious suddenly stops in the hallway. An idea has struck him.

DARTH SIDIOUS: I?ve got it! I?ll take young Maul to the Zoo tomorrow.

The next morning, young Maul runs into his master?s bedroom, excited about today?s upcoming lessons. He becomes even more excited when his master announces that instead of doing the lessons, they would be taking a trip to the Zoo.

They get to the Zoo and Maul can hardly contain himself. They get through the admissions gate and Maul begins to run off.

DARTH SIDIOUS: MAUL! Don?t go running off. Someone might try to snatch you up and I don?t want to have to explain to the authorities how you were able to kill him. Don?t leave my side.

MAUL: Yes, master. Can we go to the petting Zoo area? Can we? Huh? Can we? Please?

DARTH SIDIOUS: Knock it off! If you keep at me like that, we?ll see nothing and go straight back home, young man? Do you understand? Now, it?s over in this direction. Let?s go.

They get to the petting Zoo area and Maul spots a section, housing bird-like creatures. They go over to look at them.

DARTH SIDIOUS: Ah, yes, the tunnel digging birds of Kessell. They are often used to help the miners~ MAUL! Stop! Unhand that bird?s throat, this instant! You?re onl

 

Oh! Now, would you look at that picture! I thought those were just third arms! No wonder Senator Gushoon, of the Tydack-Minor System, got so friendly with me the other day. I thought I was shaking his hand!

Ewwwww! You know, the zoo really is the best place to learn about how certain acts of nature take place.

 

Oh! Now, would you look at that picture! I thought those were just third arms! No wonder Senator Gushoon, of the Tydack-Minor System, got so friendly with me the other day. I thought I was shaking his hand!

Too funny that got me LMAO

You really are doing a great job with its funny through out

 

DARTH SIDIOUS: I brought my young apprentice here to see some action.

WORKER: Oh, you?re one of those people. SECURITY!


AW, poor sidious! even when he's trying to teach his lil' sith boy a valuable life lesson, he still manages to get into trouble!
great as usual!

 

No wonder Senator Gushoon, of the Tydack-Minor System, got so friendly with me the other day. I thought I was shaking his hand!

Oh My!

this keeps getting better and better

 

lol, hilarious! Little Maul is so cute...I can just imagine him like that.

 

Hee hee, great update DT421!

I thought those were just third arms! No wonder Senator Gushoon, of the Tydack-Minor System, got so friendly with me the other day. I thought I was shaking his hand!

Darth Sidious quickly shuts off the computer in disgust. He begins to hastily walk back toward his bedroom.

F8-22: Where are you going, my Lord?

DARTH SIDIOUS: I suddenly feel the overwhelming need to take a shower.


MAUL: Master, can I have a monkey-lizard?

DARTH SIDIOUS: Why do you ask?

MAUL: Because, while you were talking to that man, I saw two of them doing something really neato.

DARTH SIDIOUS (Sighing): Oh, brother?

I suddenly had an image of Maul saying "really neato" to Sidious during TPM. Hee hee!

 

Nice, DT. Nice.

Up to your usual high standard, my friend.


-JR

 

DARTH SIDIOUS: MAUL! Don?t go running off. Someone might try to snatch you up and I don?t want to have to explain to the authorities how you were able to kill him. Don?t leave my side.

LOL! This story is great! Sidious as a dad and little Maul are hilarious. Great work!

 

PART SIX: A LITTLE UNDER THE WEATHER

At the Senate Complex, Senator Palpatine is having a closed-door meeting with the Viceroy of the Trade Federation, Nute Gunray. They are in secret session, discussing and making plans for the future.

PALPATINE: I can assure you, Viceroy, that everything will proceed without any problems. Lord Sidious has assured me, himself. So, there shouldn?t be any worries.

NUTE: And what of these droid armies that were promised to us?

PALPATINE: Patience, Viceroy. They will be made ready to you and in due time. You will gain leverage on many trade routes, throughout the Galaxy. Remember though, that once this is accomplished, I?m fairly certain that Lord Sidious will call upon you to return the favor.

NUTE: But of course.

Just then, Senator Palpatine?s secretary buzzes on the intercom, interrupting the meeting.

PALPATINE: I asked for no interruptions.

SECRETARY (V.O.): I?m sorry, Senator, but there is a lady on the line who claims to be a tutor for your son. She said it?s an emergency. I didn?t think you had a son~

PALPATINE (Interrupting): Oh, dear. That?s my aunt Tildine. She?s a few Banthas short of a herd these days. Just keep the dear, poor lady on hold and I?ll talk to her in a minute.

Senator Palpatine then turns back to Nute Gunray, grabs him by the arm and walks him to the door.

PALPATINE: This has been a productive meeting. We?ll be in touch. Sorry to have to rush you out like this.

Senator Palpatine then slams the door after ushering the Viceroy through and then rushes back over to his desk to find out what has happened to his young apprentice.

DARTH SIDOUS: Lady Malandria, are you there? What?s wrong with young Maul?

LADY MALANDRIA: My Lord, young Maul is running an extremely high temperature and is almost to the point of being delirious. He hasn?t been able to eat, either. It started late in the morning and has gotten progressively worse.

DARTH SIDIOUS: I?ll be home as fast as I can.

Darth Sidious races home to care for his young apprentice. He runs into the Lair, only to find Lady Malandria having a difficult time trying to get Maul into bed.

DARTH SIDIOUS: What?s going on?

LADY MALANDRIA: My Lord, he won?t get into bed. He?s quite delirious.

DARTH SIDIOUS: Leave us.

Lady Malandria leaves and Darth Sidious tries to get his young apprentice into bed.

MAUL: Master? Can we go play in the snow?

DARTH SIDIOUS: It isn?t snowing.

MAUL: I wanna play in the snow.

DARTH SIDOUS: F8? What was Maul?s last temperature reading?

F8-22: He is still running a rather high temperature, my Lord.

DARTH SIDIOUS: Perhaps it wasn?t accurate enough. F8, get me the rectal thermometer!

Maul quickly lies down in bed, pulling the sheets over his head, clutching them tightly.

DARTH SIDIOUS: What? You don?t want to play in the snow any longer, my young apprentice? (No response) F8, make a doctors appointment for young Maul.

Later that day, Darth Sidious takes his young apprentice to the doctor. Once there, the Dark Lord finds the waiting room packed with sick children and their parents. The situation, with so many people about, makes the Dark Lord nervous. Darth Sidious meets with the receptionist and she tells them to have a seat and that the doctor will be with them as soon as he can. They take a seat next to a Toydarian mom and her son.

LATTA: You have a sick one also, eh?

DARTH SIDIOUS (Sarcastic): No. I just like to frequent doctor?s waiting rooms, in hopes of catching something.

LATTA: Well, excuse me.

Latta then makes a point of turning the other way, in a huff. Suddenly, a toddler, with a runny nose, comes out of nowhere and begins to climb upon Darth Sidious.

DARTH SIDIOUS: AH! Someone, get this vile thing off of me!

The toddler?s mother comes running over.

MOTHER: Jaspet, get off of that nice man and come to mommy. Jaspet, come here, now.

DARTH SIDIOUS: Listen to your mother and get off of me, you little brat!

Finally having enough, Darth Sidious Force throws the child ba

 

LOL oh awesome, and paply's getting something too! oh man! More soon!

 

awesome lol I can't wait for more please pm me when you update

 

PART SEVEN: WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS IN THE BATHROOM?

One bright and sunny morning, Darth Sidious awakens to begin a brand new day, stretches, gets out of bed to go into the bathroom and get ready for work. He opens the door and walks into the bathroom, only to find young Maul sitting on the toilet, breathing hard.

MAUL: Why don?t you knock?

DARTH SIDIOUS: I?m sorry, my young apprentice. I didn?t know anyone was in here? Why are you breathing hard and sweating? Are you all right?

MAUL: I?m fine! Really, could you just leave and~

DARTH SIDIOUS (Interrupting): Do you need a laxative? Is that it? F8! Could you get young~

MAUL (Interrupting): NO! Just leave!

DARTH SIDIOUS: It?s nothing to be embarrassed about, you know?

MAUL (Defensive): I?m not embarrassed. Why would you think that I?m embarrassed?

DARTH SIDIOUS: I can sense it. I may not be able to see you blushing through your tattoos, but constipation happens to the best of~

MAUL: LEAVE!

Darth Sidious quickly leaves the bathroom, to young Maul?s privacy, but not without shouting one last request through the closed door.

DARTH SIDIOUS: Could you hurry up in there, my young apprentice? I?m now running late for work.

As the evening hours begin to envelope the vast skyline of Coruscant, in a shroud of nighttime darkness, and the city lights begin to illuminate, Darth Sidious returns to his lair after a rather uneventful day at work in the Senate.

DARTH SIDIOUS: F8, I?m home. Could you be a dear and please fetch me a drink and my slippers?

F8-22: Yes, my Lord. Dinner will be ready in a little while.

DARTH SIDIOUS: That?s fine. I?ll just sit, relax and do a little reading. (Looks around the room) F8? Have you seen my Galactic Geographic? It arrived yesterday and I haven?t had a chance to read through it yet.

F8-22: I haven?t seen it since earlier today, my Lord.

Darth Sidious begins to scan his shelves at his collection of Galactic Geographics.

DARTH SIDIOUS: In fact, there are a few issues missing. I wonder where they disappeared to?

The Dark Lord then begins to yell back towards young Maul?s bedroom.

DARTH SIDIOUS: MAUL!?! Have you seen my Galactic Geographic? Maul! Are you back there? (Turning to F8-22) F8, where is Maul at?

F8-22: He?s in the bathroom, my Lord.

DARTH SIDIOUS: Again?

F8-22: It?s about the eighth time that he?s been in the bathroom today, my Lord.

DARTH SIDIOUS: Oh dear. The young lad is still constipated.

Darth Sidious makes his way down the hall and to the bathroom door. But before the Dark Lord knocks on the door to enquire about the welfare of his young apprentice, he listens and hears an odd, rapid and repetitive sound, emanating from inside the bathroom? as though, young Maul were hitting himself. Darth Sidious then knocks on the door and the sound abruptly stops. Maul nervously answers through the door.

MAUL: What? I?m busy!

DARTH SIDIOUS: Hitting yourself in the stomach isn?t going to help things along, my apprentice. It will do you no good. Now, come out and let us go into the kitchen, so that you can take that laxative.

MAUL: I don?t need one! Leave me alone!

DARTH SIDIOUS: Enough of this! Get out of that bathroom at once!

After a minute, or so, Maul finally makes his way out of the bathroom and begins to make his way toward the kitchen, but Darth Sidious notices something peculiar about the manner in which young Maul is walking.

DARTH SIDIOUS: Why are you walking like that? Why are you hunched over?

MAUL: I don?t know what you mean?

DARTH SIDIOUS: You must really be bound up inside, to be walking in such discomfort.

MAUL (Defensive): I?m not bound up? I just strained something when I was practicing my flips earlier.

DARTH SIDIOUS: You can?t lie to me. You should know that by now. Just take your laxative and lie down in your room for a while, until we call you for supper.

Young Maul takes the laxative and then goes back to his room, as instructed. The Dark Lord then makes his way into the bathroom to

 

Harmones are reaching to their peaks

more soon and continue to pm me please

 

DARTH SIDIOUS: The good news is that young Maul is not constipated.

F8-22: Well, that's good. But, what is the bad news, my Lord?

DARTH SIDIOUS: Young Maul is not constipated.


The Hormones are taking over Palps has his hands full with this one.

 

PART EIGHT: WE THREE KINGS

Another long session of the Senate has concluded and many Senators are heading back their respective Systems, for their bi-annual break. Senator Palpatine is with a few of his fellow Senators in the landing bay lounge of the Senate complex, enjoying a few spirits, while they wait to pick up their transports. As the Senators sit, relax and enjoy their beverages, three men in kingly robes, sitting in a far off booth, catch the attention of Senator Palpatine. There is something odd about them - odd enough to create a disturbance in the Force, which, of course, peaks the Senator?s curiosities. Senator Palpatine gets up and meanders over to introduce himself.

SENATOR PALPATINE: Good day, gentlemen. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Senator Palpatine, from the System of Naboo. I was wondering if I could buy you all a round of drinks.

KING ENEM: That is very kind, Senator, but our transport will be here shortly and we are about to leave at any moment.

SENATOR PALPATINE: Yes, of course. I hope I?m not being too nosey, but I was wondering who you three men were and where you might be headed? I may be of some assistance to you.

KING ENEM: That is kind of you and no, you are not being too nosey, for it is a time of rejoicing. I, King Enem, my companions, King Al-Bytoss and King Theralla, are on a most joyous journey to the Outer Rim. We are simply stopping off here to catch our connecting transport?

SENATOR PALPATINE: Interesting. But what is this joyous occasion? Are you looking to purchase concubines? Might I suggest Ryloth? It?s wonderf~

KING THERALLA (In disgust): No! That is not the purpose of our journey.

KING AL-BYTOSS: Our journey is a purposeful one. Our journey is to bear witness to THE ONE and shower him with gifts ? to behold the birth of our savior - the Son of Suns!

Senator Palpatine was in the process of sipping his beverage as this declaration was being made, only to shower the three Kings with it, due to the surprise.

SENATOR PALPATINE: OH, CRAP! The Son of Suns!?! Oh, I?m so sorry. Here, let me wipe that off of you~

A public address announcement then fills up the lounge.

(V.O): Transport 1023 has arrived and is now boarding for Tatooine.

KING ENEM: That?s us. Theralla, did you remember to go to the bathroom, before we leave, this time?

KING THERALLA: Yes, thank you. I hope they have a meal for this flight.

SENATOR PALPATINE: Tatooine is it? Well, it was a pleasure. Sorry about spitting on all of you, but I really must hurry off now.

Senator Palpatine rushes off, throwing a few credits at the bartender on his way out of the lounge.

KING ENEM: Odd fellow? but nice.

Darth Sidious races home to his lair. He comes bursting through the entrance and begins yelling for F8-22.

DARTH SIDIOUS: F8! F8, prepare an overnight bag for me and don?t forget my toothbrush this time! Oh, and I?ll need a change of undies, as well!

F8-22: My! Where are you in a hurry to, my Lord?

DARTH SIDIOUS: Tatooine. I have urgent business to tend to there.

F8-22: Will you be back by tomorrow afternoon, my Lord?

DARTH SIDIOUS: Why? What does it matter? There is a child that must not be allowed to live~ uh, I mean? allowed to be wagered in a Pod Race. Yes, that?s it.

F8-22: But, you promised to take young Maul camping tomorrow, my Lord. He?s really been looking forward to it. I haven?t seen him this excited since you taught him the torso blow with his lightsaber.

Darth Sidious pauses to reminisce.

DARTH SIDIOUS (Grinning): Yes that was a good day? (Snaps out of it) Oh, now we?re getting off track! If I don?t get to Tatooine immediately, your long-term job security may be in jeopardy.

F8-22: Are you unhappy with my services, my Lord?

DARTH SIDIOUS: That?s not it! Oh, very well - I?m talking Prophecy stuff here!

F8-22: Oh my! I?ll start packing your bag right now, my Lord. What will you do when you get to Tatooine? How will you know which child to look for?

DARTH SIDIOUS: Oh, I didn?t think of that. Wel

 

Just catching up on the last few posts



We?ll go camping! But if this should come back to bite me in the? It will be entirely your fault!



I love that! Maul actually did something good