Beyond - Legends Humour - Episode MMXXVIIII - The Wrath Of Darth Bezo

A long time from now in a Galaxy on 132nd Street...

Star Wars
Episode MMXXVIII
The Wrath Of Darth Bezo

It is a DARK time for the EMPIRE. The New Republic has done a very GOOD job of eradicating ITS forces from the face of THE Galaxy. Jedi Master LUKE SKYWALKER has a new crop of Jedi, but there is a tremor in the Force. One of his students, BEZO L'ABBAS DEBLEU seems UNUSUALLY distant. This could be a time of great CALAMITY for the Galaxy as a whole...

"I hate being a Jedi." Jedi Padawan Bezo L'Abbas DeBleu grunted, throwing his blue lightsabre out the window of his Coruscant apartment. He watched it fall and giggled inwardly as it landed on the head of a short Wookie. Reaching out with the Force, Bezo grasped his lightsabre and brought it back up to his window. The words of Jedi Master Luke Skywalker echoed in his head, possibly because of incredibly bad acoustics, The Force is our ally, used for knowledge and defense, never attack. Bezo's own thoughts grew weary of this and started to shout down the thoughts of the Jedi Master. The Force is a tool, used for amusement and profit. Forget the Jedi. They're all weiners anyway. And have you ever actually listened to that Luke guy? Whine, whine, whine. Bezo didn't know it at the time, but the thoughts he took as his own, had been placed there by an evil so great that the entire Galaxy would reel from the immense impact of its unveiling...



Meanwhile, on Phatooine, at the recently renovated Mantina, Bossk and Lobot were having a discussion about sideburns over a cold Hoth ale.
"It's a good story, but it needs more Bossk," said the Trandoshan.
"Does not compute! Does not compute!" Lobot screamed, sparks shooting from the ports on his head designed to have sparks shooting out of them. Bossk grew weary of this gag and challenged Lobot to a dance contest.
The author didn't feel like describing the event so it happened off-screen.


Elsewhere, a great unspeakable evil was checking his holonet voice mail.

"One message," the cold mechnical voice intoned.

"Play it for me," the deeply evil and thoroughly sinister force of utter badness said cordially. After listening to the message, the man who embodied all that was dark and foul in the universe smiled, it was a pleasant smile, but it concealed malice and ill manner like no smile that had ever preceded it. Yes, in the mind of the one wearing the smile, all was going as planned. His clear, rich baritone voice rang out, "Delete message."

 

"Bezo," Jedi Master Luke Skywalker said, stepping forward as lightsabre class ended, "May I speak with you?"

"What do you want, Skywalker?" Bezo hissed menacingly, as least as menacingly as he was capable.

"You seem unusually distant."

"Where'd you get that impression?"

"In the opening crawl."

"Damn that opening crawl!"

"Seriously Bezo, are you happy training as a Jedi?"

"You're holding me back! I'm better than this! Better than you, better than all your little Jedilings."

"With all due respect Bezo, I haven't seen it."

"Aaaargh!" said Bezo, igniting his lightsabre with a snap-hiss, "Prepare to die, Skywalker!"

"Bezo, stop it," Luke sighed and grabbed Bezo's lightsabre through the Force, turning it off and dropping it up on the floor, "Why don't you go home and meditate, ok?"

"Why don't you go home and meditate?" Bezo repeated sarcastically, then bent over to pick up his lightsabre. And with that, he headed out the door and feigned heading towards his Coruscant apartment, then turned the opposite direction and headed towards the local Mantina.




Luke watched him go with a steady gaze.

"If only Ben were here. Maybe he could help me."

"What do you want now, Luke?"

"Ben!" Luke tried to hug the Force ghost but merely passed through, "Sorry, forgot about that."

"I have felt a tremor in the Force."

"I'm just having trouble with a student. He's always complaining about being held back and he keeps wanting the lightsabre kiosk to make him a red crystal. I just don't know what's wrong with him."

"I sense the Dark Side in him."

"But his eyes are green."

"What?"

"Only yellowed eyed people have embraced the Dark Side."

"Luke, think."

"I swear I heard that somewhere."

"Luke, when the Emperor first came to power, he was fully embraced with the Dark side and his eyes were completely blue."

"But that doesn't make sense."

"Luke...clear your mind," Obi-Wan sighed, but brightened knowing that this task probably wouldn't take long.

"You're right, Ben. Eye colour is a pretty stupid indicator of evil. Do you really think one of my students is turning to the Dark side?

"I sense there is more to this plot than meets the irrelevantly coloured eye, Luke."

"Golly," said Luke.

 

Bezo noticed as he walked into the Mantina that he appeared to be the only Jedi there. Since before the Clone Wars, Supreme Chancellor of the New Republic Grando Calrissian had been catering to the night life of the Galaxy, building the first Mantina on Phatooine, then after the fall of the Empire, living the dream he had once had as a young ladies' man 'A Mantina on every block'. With the Galaxy now fully supplied with night spots, Grando was unanimously elected Supreme Chancellor of the New Republic. In his acceptance speech, he had promised to lay down with some fine ladies until his term had abated. The Jedi of the modern Galaxy tended to shun such places as Luke Skywalker, their venerable Jedi Master had previously bad experiences in anything frequented by other life forms.

Bezo was a regular at this particular Mantina, Coruscant Local #24601 and so Minx the bartender knew right away to start making Dantooine Dacquiris. He slid up to the bar.

"Dantooine Dacquiri, please."

"I sensed you would want this," Minx the bartender smiled her usual 'tips of more than 20% will ensure your continued existence' smile and handed him the beverage.

"Thanks Minxy."

A few moments of silence passed as Bezo sipped at his beverage.

"He's always holding me back!" Bezo whined with indignation. Minx nodded appreciatively, having heard this all before. Bezo continued after a suitable bit of dacquiri, "I should be the greatest of all Jedi. I know I can be. I mean, I can beat all the other Jedis in lightsabre duels without even being in the same room. I have mastered the Force, but he won't let me teach the classes. I'm so sick of it all."

Across the room, cloaked in shadows, a dark, evil and sinister force of utter ill repute and completely malice sipped at a wine cooler.

"And the stupid lightsabre people won't let me have a red one because," Bezo continued, adopting the expression of someone who has authority despite any clear reason to, "'Red lightsabres are evil, if a Jedi uses a red lightsabre people will think you're bad.' I don't CARE if people think I'm bad. I'm so good that I AM BAD!"

The malicious evil decided this would be a good time to introduce himself, he stepped forward out of the shadows towards Bezo, yet continued to be shrouded in darkness, cloaked instead by his cloak.

"My dear boy," he began in a familiar rich baritone which had previously only been heard in conversation with a voice mail machine, "I know exactly what you mean."