Before Hunters -- Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan misson, ** Complete **, 17-April-2006

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by ardavenport, Apr 2, 2006.

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  1. ardavenport Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 16, 2004
    star 4
    Title: Hunters
    Author: ardavenport (aka Ani-Chay Pinn, aka Anne Davenport)
    Timeframe: pre-Episode I
    Genre: adventure, action
    Characters: Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi
    Keywords Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi, JA, BfTS
    Summary: Our Jedi pursue shadowy killers
    Notes: also posted on The Jedi Assembly fan fiction forum, however this version is revised and expanded. And typo is my middle name, with missing words and errors that spell checkers don?t catch being my speciality ? if you see any, just post a reply or send a PM with the what and where and I will kill them with no mercy.
    Disclaimer: All characters belong to George and Lucasfilm; I?m just playing in their sandbox


    Qui-Gon Jinn walked down the pedestrian way, his Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi just behind him. The people around them, anticipating their passing, managed to find other places to look, reasons to step aside without glancing their way, other directions to go in. A few unwary droids and non-Tavelmi crossed their path, but most seemed to have been warned of their presence.

    Qui-Gon stopped at a large, public fountain at an intersection. He looked up at the gloomy patch of gray sky above amidst the tall, urban canyons around them; cars and transports flitted by overhead. Tavelmi shuffled past, making a wide empty space around the two humans. Their thoughts flitted by, whispers in the slight breeze, everyday thoughts quickly smothered in dread as soon as they realized what was among them.

    Doors slammed and windows by the street closed around the fountain, a little island of running water and green, growing plants. The miniature, flowering garden freshened the crowded air of the city. The smells of soil and water mixed with the staleness of many bodies and the fried street fare at a vendor?s cart at one side of the intersection.

    Qui-Gon closed his eyes, reaching far out with the Force. He sensed the nervousness, the anticipation of fear around him. High above them, there were traces, like deadly memories on the empty rooftops. There were a flickers of interest, but it was intangible, with no direction, the same as the day before.

    A small, incautious Tavelmi child stood up on the flat, stone edge of the fountain and stared at the pair of robed Jedi, disturbing Qui-Gon?s concentration. Undeveloped and something between male and female, its slender body stood erect on two thin, clawed feet. It wore a cheery, bright yellow jumpsuit with fuchsia decoration at the borders. Its delicate, vestigial wings quivered behind it, visible over a narrow, angular head. Qui-Gon mercilessly stared back, his piercing blue eyes resentful. He openly imagined what could happen if this child got between the Jedi and their objective.

    The child froze in place, suddenly terrified. As young as it was, it was as telepathic as the adults and Qui-Gon did not spare it any of his thoughts. He did not relent until an older relative rushed up, snatched the child away and disappeared into the widening edge of the crowd.

    He felt his apprentice?s uncertainty next to him and Qui-Gon turned his withering stare down on the younger man. Obediently, Obi-Wan cleared his discordant thoughts with an inhaled breath, squashing any empathy for the people around them. Qui-Gon had made it quite clear to his Padawan that nothing less than his complete focus on this mission would be tolerated. No one should feel safe around them. Because they weren?t.

    Qui-Gon led them out of the intersection, toward another passageway between the buildings. The people darted away before them. Their thoughts still lingered all around, unable to get away fast enough.

    They passed the food cart and Obi-Wan reached out and took a wrapped bun without asking. The vendor ducked her head, one wing coming up, conveniently blocking her view of the taking as she suddenly fulfilled a need to count her supplies. Obi-Wan munched the filled bun silently. He did not offer any to his Master. If Qui-Gon wanted to eat, he would
  2. Layren Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 28, 2003
    star 5
    Wow what a thrilling beginning!! That was so creepy and I love how you seemed to build things and the little details such as Obi-Wan's theft of a bun off the vendor's cart and not being able to stop did a superb job of intensifying the situation. Definetely captured my interest :D Can you pm me when you update?
  3. LuvEwan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 24, 2002
    star 4
    Wow, that was very intense. :eek: Great job at keeping the suspense at full speed, and revealing only a little of the mystery of this strange mission at the end of the post.

    Qui-Gon saw them as hazy shapes, like afterimages on the insides of his eyelids.

    I really loved that description. And I'd really love to see more. :D
  4. VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2004
    star 8
    Superb start! :eek: =D= If you're sending out PMs when you update, please add me to the list! :D
  5. ardavenport Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 16, 2004
    star 4
    Layren: Wow what a thrilling beginning!! That was so creepy and I love how you seemed to build things and the little details such as Obi-Wan's theft of a bun off the vendor's cart and not being able to stop did a superb job of intensifying the situation. Definetely captured my interest

    Thanks.:) I am definitely looking for a creepy look and a very dark mission for my favorite Jedi. When I placed it in a city, the details had to come with it because city's are nothing but details and things going on. Without the details I'd lose track of where they were. I'm Glad it's working so far.

    LuvEwan: Wow, that was very intense. Great job at keeping the suspense at full speed, and revealing only a little of the mystery of this strange mission at the end of the post.

    When I decided that I wanted this story to be dark and grim, then the descriptions and intensity seemed mandatory to even make the story work. Descriptions always work best for me for advancing a story; I can keep it moving without stopping to explain things, but it automatically keeps me from revealing too much too soon. I hadn't thought I'd gotten up to full speed, yet. [face_thinking] I wonder how the rest of it will play.

    VaderLVR64: Superb start!

    Thanks for reading!:)


    o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o ? part 2

    They traveled throughout the busiest parts of city for the rest of the day, the populace turning away whenever they came. They went from plaza to courtyard, past traffic intersections, under bridges, over skyways. When they went to a public fresher on the street, they waited first for the other patrons to leave it before taking their turn, their presence warning any others away.

    That evening, they waited at the outer boundaries of an outdoor café. All the diners moved to tables that were furthest away from them. A nervous Tavelmi server brought out a tray of food and drink containers, but she never looked at them as she put it down on a corner table and left, as if she were making an offering to appease evil spirits.

    They took what they needed and left, eating as they continued to cris-cross their way throughout the city. The crowds and overhead traffic thinned out as the evening grew later. Above them, the skies felt restless; they were being followed by hungry minds. It permeated the city, as if the buildings themselves craved their deaths.

    On a narrow, nearly empty street, they heard a noise above them, sensed a sudden heat of desperation breaking into uncontrollable bloodlust.

    They both ignited their lightsabers at once.

    Obi-Wan?s bright, blue blade shot straight upward, guided by the Force. He felt the death howl, like chorus of agony, in his mind. Dry, brittle body parts tumbled down on him. Someone screamed nearby and the few remaining pedestrians fled.

    Still acting on his Force instincts, Obi-Wan froze in place, his lightsaber above his head. Next to him Qui-Gon?s lightsaber hummed and glowed bright green against the darkness that the white and yellow streetlights could not dispel. On the ground, Obi-Wan saw another twisted gray body, it?s wings cleaved in half. Shocked, he stared down at it. He hadn?t even realized that Qui-Gon had been attacked as well.

    The moment stretched on. The sense of imminent danger from above diminished, but remained, restrained again. Qui-Gon deactivated his saber. It snapped off, the blade vanishing. Obi-Wan did the same and lowered his arms. Qui-Gon looked very unhappy about the aborted confrontation. His gripped his lightsaber hilt and looked up at the dark edges of the roofs as if he could dare the other to come down and end the hunt.

    Obi-Wan clipped his saber to his belt and stepped away from the Okaju remains around him. He brushed at the dried and charred bits still caught in the folds of his robe. Qui-Gon?s hands grasped his shoulders, pulling his robe down off of him. Obi-Wan stood by mutely as the older man thoroughly shook the robe out for him and then handed
  6. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    I really enjoyed the description of the urban canyon. Wow, these Okaju are. well, I guess I dont' know what they are yet.

    Where are they and what in COruscant are these Okaju? They are more than just physical creatures and Gradually, Obi-Wan realized that the Okaju knew that even if they got past their lightsabers, even touching the Jedi would be death to them. whoa!!!

    This is such an exciting fic. MIght I ask for PM updates as well. :D :D
  7. Layren Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 28, 2003
    star 5
    It permeated the city, as if the buildings themselves craved their deaths.

    On a narrow, nearly empty street, they heard a noise above them, sensed a sudden heat of desperation breaking into uncontrollable bloodlust.

    They both ignited their lightsabers at once.



    Talk about upping the ante with the creepiness factor! Definetely succeeding on that level. It's really interesting and definetely impossible to predict where you're going next with this :D Keep up the good work!
  8. LuvEwan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 24, 2002
    star 4
    The description in this is really stellar. Especially the details about the gray flakes from the bodies.

    A nervous Tavelmi server brought out a tray of food and drink containers, but she never looked at them as she put it down on a corner table and left, as if she were making an offering to appease evil spirits.



    That was such a good line, among many. =D=

    This story is actually scaring me a little. [face_worried] Such creepy creatures. But wonderful characterization, as always. ;)
  9. kenobiwanobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 26, 2005
    star 3
    Wow this is amazing!!! I really like this piece, the descriptions,plot,characters,scenery...it all so wonderfully done!

    PM me with updates please. :D
  10. VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2004
    star 8
    Creepy? Oh yeah! And I love it! I can't wait for more! :D Beautiful descriptions throughout this!

    =D=
  11. ardavenport Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 16, 2004
    star 4
    Healer_Leona: Where are they and what in COruscant are these Okaju? They are more than just physical creatures and Gradually, Obi-Wan realized that the Okaju knew that even if they got past their lightsabers, even touching the Jedi would be death to them. whoa!!!

    Well, some of that will be explained in the next installment. I can?t give everything away at once. Thanks for reading!

    Layren:I?m glad you?re enjoying it! I?m enjoying people?s reactions to it. I know where everything is and what?s going on, so I don?t expect people to be surprised by where the story goes. I hope to keep people guessing, but you never really know until someone else reads it.

    LuvEwan: A nervous Tavelmi server brought out a tray of food and drink containers, but she never looked at them as she put it down on a corner table and left, as if she were making an offering to appease evil spirits.

    That was such a good line, among many.


    Aaaah, thanks for noting that line. I definitely wanted to set the mood with descriptions like that. I wasn?t expecting is to come out as creepy as it did, but with everyone afraid of the Jedi, I suppose that would heighten the tension. I hope it doesn?t scare you away.

    kenobiwanobi: Thanks! For reading and replying. I?m glad you like it.

    VaderLVR64: This may sound odd, but it didn?t feel that creepy as I was writing this. Grim and depressing, with action, but not really creepy. I was going for some of an urban, horror-film feel, but some responses I?ve gotten have surprised me. I?m glad you?re enjoying it!



    o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o ? part 3

    In the late afternoon, after many long, winding streets, they came to another intersection. This time Qui-Gon paused at the entrance. Obi-Wan stopped by his side, sensing the dark disturbance in the Force above them. They could see the Okaju above, gathering on the edges of roofs and ledges of building. They were no longer hiding.

    Qui-Gon?s thoughts radiated their deadly purpose before he rushed into the open space. Tavelmi silently scattered around them, other?s further away hooted and called to others too far away or insensitive to their thought-touch. The Jedi leaped upon the ivy covered sculpture in the center of the intersection from which all others frantically fled. Padawan and Master used the Force to nearly run up the jumble of rock and metal shapes until they were as high up as the could get, four stories above the ground, but still well below the uneven, slanting roofs that encircled them.

    Qui-Gon activated his fiery green lightsaber and held it at the ready; Obi-Wan?s blue joined it a fraction of a second later. The wind seemed to pick up. The sounds of frantic footsteps died away and no traffic passed overhead. The intersection had emptied.

    Wings flitted above. Silhouettes jumped from roof to roof, getting lower, closer to them. Obi-Wan felt the Force strong around himself and his Master, cutting through the oppressive fear that lingered around the Okaju. Rarely did he ever feel his Qui-Gon Jinn so oppressively use his power. A figure dove toward them from the pale, gray sky above. It stopped.

    The Okaju hovered slightly above them and out of reach. The delicate features of the Tavelmi twisted into this withered and wiry body, now light enough for flight. The healthy browns of skin and hair had mutated into a pale greenish-gray of a neutered quasi-death. It wore nothing, no cloth, no decoration that would weigh it down.

    Qui-Gon held his lightsaber up at his side and held his free hand out to it. The Okaju?s sickly green eyes stared back with hatred and disdain, but Obi-Wan sensed how the being craved their lifeblood. Its lust to consume, to create death, pressed in on him.

    It held back, obviously knowing that it would be death for an Okaju to even touch a Jedi.

    This one had to be the brood leader. Its thoughts broadcasted its pride and hatred out far beyond the Tavelmi?s usual limited, telepathi
  12. LuvEwan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 24, 2002
    star 4
    :eek:

    Oh WOW. That was so intense! I really love the way you describe the Okaju's bodies, how fragile they look but how dangerous they are. The end of the post was quite a shock. [face_worried] What an absorbing fic this is. =D=
  13. Layren Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 28, 2003
    star 5
    I knew it was going to be too good to be true if they surrendered so easily. The bloodlust wouldn't allow that. Excellent post! Horrible cliffe though :p Evil!
  14. kenobiwanobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 26, 2005
    star 3
    I agree with LuvEwan that was intense! Great descriptions yet again...thanks for the PM!
  15. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    Like Layren, I didn't think it would be quite so easy. Truly fascinating beings, for they'r3 more than creatures as they are quite sentient. That rebel Okaju may have spelled death for the entire species now I fear.

    Outstanding post!
  16. ardavenport Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 16, 2004
    star 4
    LuvEwan:
    Thanks, I?m glad it?s absorbing. The Okaju are quasi-dead, which is always ominous no matter how fragile they might be. They practically fall apart when hit by a lightsaber, but they still have their own fear-zone around them. I?m glad that?s coming through in the text.

    Layren:
    No, nothing is easy. I guess I?m getting the hang of posting cliff-hangers. Thanks for reading!

    kenobiwanobi:
    Thanks for reading!

    Healer_Leona
    Thanks! Sentient beings that want to kill you are always more interesting that ones that just operate on instinct. Instinct can be predictable, but creatures that think might do anything. Yes, the rebel Okaju is trouble.


    OK, next post...

    o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o ? part 4

    Qui-Gon?s next swing went clean through a frenzied attacker, but its forward momentum still carried the two halves into him while six more came right behind. More than twice as many descended on Obi-Wan, his blue lightsaber spinning in defensive circles, cutting down three at once.

    New death screams crashed into the echoes of the first in Qui-Gon?s head. He spun, twirling his lightsaber, scorching wings and limbs, severing a few heads with deadly accuracy. The deaths of the death-givers filled his mind with the pressure of every life they?d drained, now released all at once. Qui-Gon breathed it all in and let it go through the Force just as he had the Okaju?s projected fear. He swung his lightsaber in a wide arc, driving the survivors back.

    Every Tavelmi in the area would feel the fight, the mental screams, but it was still better to kill them cleanly with a lightsaber rather than the other way.

    Too late, Qui-Gon felt a claw around his boot, trying to dig through to his ankle. A needle pain pierced his temples and he suddenly saw the two Okaju before him through a hazy tunnel of light. Completely maddened now they came at him together, claws out, desperate to reach him. He cut them down, scattering their body parts.

    Something snagged his belt from behind him. Another needle pain stabbed his temple. His stomach tightened and he stumbled as he turned. A dizzy coolness went through him, as if he were lightheaded with blood loss. He drew the Force to him, his focus overriding the pain, the mental cacophony.

    His green blade blazed brighter than the tunnel he saw through as he sliced through two more Okaju. Another one barely evaded him, but he got it on the back swing.

    Another pain drilled into his head. The world around him had lost all sense of reality; he only saw through pain induced phantoms and through the Force. It felt like a tangible light, with ferocious, dark predators around him. He suddenly realized that an Okaju was clinging to his belt, close but not quite touching him. It was ecstatic, caught in an unimaginable flow of life. Qui-Gon swung his lightsaber over his head and down, the tip of it touching the creature?s head. The Okaju exploded, bits of it flying in all directions.

    Qui-Gon saw an Okaju leap over him to fall into agonized death over the outline of his Padawan who was on his back. Qui-Gon staggered to him and took up a defensive stance over Obi-Wan; the Force felt positively inflamed around them both.

    Four more Okaju hopped and swayed out of reach of Qui-Gon?s deadly green lightsaber. They knew what would happen, but their craving overwhelmed all sense. Okaju existed on the physical fluids and flesh of the Tavelmi that they had once been. But they were driven even more to consume the very life essence of their prey.

    Okaju were sensitive to the Force, but only as far as it led them to the next victim that they might gorge themselves on. A Jedi drew strength from the Force, from all the living things around them, from the whole galaxy. Okaju would latch on to feed, but the Force would rush into them until they quite literally exploded, in a state of total bliss as they were ripped apart, spewing telepathic bedlam in all directions. Every Tavelmi for kilometers around had li
  17. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    That was a rather intense... battle scene I must say! THey certainly have their work cut out for them with the number of Okaju there seems to be.

    Excellent post ardavenport.
  18. Layren Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 28, 2003
    star 5


    Every Tavelmi in the area would feel the fight, the mental screams, but it was still better to kill them cleanly with a lightsaber rather than the other way.

    Too late, Qui-Gon felt a claw around his boot, trying to dig through to his ankle. A needle pain pierced his temples and he suddenly saw the two Okaju before him through a hazy tunnel of light. Completely maddened now they came at him together, claws out, desperate to reach him. He cut them down, scattering their body parts.



    I nearly shrieked aloud when they got him! I've been on the edge of my seat for the entire post. And they got Obi too! But they all managed to survive! :eek: And it's not over yet! You sure are getting good at this cliffe thing :p
  19. Valairy Scot Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 16, 2005
    star 5
    How'd I miss this? Great story and I agree creepy and chilling.
  20. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    This is a very creepy story. I could just see the whole battle, with Qui-Gon surrounded by the enemy and trying to bring him down. Very evocative and spell-binding.

    Great job with the whole setup - definitely unique!
  21. kenobiwanobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 26, 2005
    star 3
    Very creepy indeed as the postie before me said...this is one,if not the most amazing story I have read on the boards ...great job!!!!
  22. Terra_Wan_Kenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 8, 2005
    star 1
    Very, very creepy...The battle was great, i loved it
  23. VaderLVR64 Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2004
    star 8
    You have a true gift for writing action/battle sequences! =D= VERY nicely done indeed! =D=
  24. ardavenport Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 16, 2004
    star 4
    Healer_Leona: That was a rather intense... battle scene I must say! THey certainly have their work cut out for them with the number of Okaju there seems to be.

    Well, they went through the Okaju fairly quickly; they don?t last long against lightsabers. Glad you?re enjoying it!

    Layren: I nearly shrieked aloud when they got him! I've been on the edge of my seat for the entire post. And they got Obi too! But they all managed to survive! And it's not over yet! You sure are getting good at this cliffe thing

    Oooh, I?m glad I ?got? you. I like to put in a little surprise, and you never know if something is a surprise until someone else is surprised. It?s a surprise. Does that make sense?

    Valairy_Scot: Thanks!

    dianethx: This is a very creepy story. I could just see the whole battle, with Qui-Gon surrounded by the enemy and trying to bring him down. Very evocative and spell-binding.

    Thanks much. How strange that I don?t think I thought ?creepy? once while I was writing this; ?dark? and ?horror? maybe. Glad you enjoyed the fight. I like seeing Jedi in action.

    kenobiwanobi: I?m glad you?re enjoying the story!

    Terra_Wan_Kenobi: Thanks!

    VaderLVR64: I?m glad you like the action sequence! Ultimately Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon were in no danger of being killed, but the Okaju could still hurt them a bit. I?m glad the tension of the fight still worked out even without the mortal danger.

    Thanks to all for reading!

    Now... the next part...



    o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o ? part 5

    There was no traffic below them. The speeder automatically broadcast a signal on an emergency frequency to all others. Vehicles were down and parked below them, no people in sight, all life hidden. Obi-Wan felt the Force guiding his Master. The Okaju were ahead of them. They were hungry. A chill filled them both. They were feeding.

    The speeder dove down between the canyons of buildings, yellow illumination winking on for them and going off in their wake. They sped over the narrow pedestrian ways. Everything was deserted, empty. Once the fight had begun, the warning would have spread outward, telepath to telepath. The Tavelmi could only read thoughts clearly for very short distances and only among their own species, but this warning would spread like a fire.

    Qui-Gon halted the speeder at a garden intersection. A Bothan and two Tavelmi lay dead, their eyes wide and lifeless, their throats and chests slashed and bloody.

    Qui-Gon?s head turned toward a fluttering down one side street and he zoomed after it, Obi-Wan hanging on behind him. The Okaju couldn?t possibly outrun a speeder, but they knew the city well, and where to hide where an anti-grav wouldn?t fit.

    Miyanem, the dead Okaju hunter who had pursued this brood before them, had known the city as well.

    She had planned to capture the Okaju, arranged the droid transports, the roof evacuations, the pre-positioned speeders, before she?d been taken. And eaten. The Jedi now used her preparations for their own ruthless purpose as they raced above the empty streets.

    The Tavelmi always preferred to capture Okaju. The Okaju could mask their kills in the midst of a crowded city of telepaths, but they couldn?t hide their own deaths. They howled their demise out painfully to the minds around them, one last attack. It wasn?t dangerous to most Tavelmi, except to the very young and old and infirm, but their death screams magnified a hundred-fold when their life energies immolated themselves on the Jedi. Brain ruptures, heart attacks, trauma, death would have broken out in the neighborhood around their confrontation with the brood.

    Qui-Gon made a quick turn and stopped, hovering between rooftops. He sensed Obi-Wan?s alertness and he caught a glimpse of wings, disappearing behind a corner.

    ?They?ve separated,? Qui-Gon noted.

    He closed his eyes and sensed the stronger one, the rebel, ahead. The speeder bike accelerated forward in pursuit. The lesser one
  25. Valairy Scot Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 16, 2005
    star 5
    Hey, first reply to part 2.

    Great story!

    Okaju lived on the wind. Existing completely outside of society, they had no need for its comforts and mechanisms; they were completely free. Capture was no longer an option for this one, if it ever had been. Qui-Gon tossed away the binders

    A very exciting story and well-written.=D=
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