JCC I Are The Internets and Rylo Ken Present:

Oh, by the way, @I Are The Internets I got sidetracked and forgot to say that I am really enjoying your reviews. Don't make yourself crazy about them, but I'll be reading them, no worries about that.

 

Merry Christmas to you all! For a Christmas gift, you shall get a very special review that will be very divisive. It had been long awaited to a vast fanbase who were eagerly awaiting this film. Based on a beloved property where most people agree the older episodes were better than the newer ones.








Yes that's right...










I present to you my review of:

















Power Rangers (2017)

What can I say? I hated this movie, and it made me gleeful that it got critically panned and underperformed so badly at the box office. First off, nostalgia is for suckers. Has anyone here even tried to watch the first few seasons of Power Rangers or the 17,467 spinoffs? It has all aged horribly with effects that make Dr. Whose look Oscar worthy. While the movie has decent special effects, it takes almost its whole entire run time to get to any sort of action sequence or conflict. Otherwise, it's a bored looking holographic Bryan Cranston training four of the most irritating stereoty-I mean-high school kids I have ever seen this side of The Breakfast Club. For over 3/4 of its runtime, it is nothing but boring training montage, a laughably miscast Elizabeth Banks limping around looking for gold, and more boring training montage. When it finally gets to the final battle, it's all a muddled and garish CGI battle that's impossible to follow.

Now back to my original point. Maybe I didn't like it because I didn't grow up on the show? I know of several people on here and in real life that really enjoyed this, despite me begging them not to see it. Maybe I just grew out of it (even though I never watched it?!) much like how people are feeling about a certain other sequel/reboot to a beloved franchise. Regardless, this film is so utterly tedious, and it feels 4 hours long.

 

If you think the original versions have aged badly, never, ever watch the Disneyfied versions of the originals. So very glad Saban bought them back from the evil empire.

 

I got another one, this time very short:



Unforgettable (2017)

The irony here is that I don't remember anything about this film, except for a scene where Katherine Heigl is walking slowly into a knife which is a wonderful metaphor for her film career.

 

Did you catch up with Jigsaw, IATI?

 

When I first saw the trailer for this, I actually thought it was a Breakfast Club reboot.

Can I also add, IATI, that you should do some sort of palate-cleanser between reviewing these terrible films? Maybe, for instance, something honorable and exciting to restore your faith in art? You could review those too. One show I just happened to end up watching a few episodes of lately was The Blacklist, and it seems like it could be a good fit for just such a role.

 

You know, I have to agree heartily on this one. I think it would be great if you would watch The Blacklist and do episode reviews. I think you would find it very enjoyable.

 

Well yeah I still stand by what I said that it's a technical masterpiece. No one is going to sit down and just hand paint/draw an animation from scratch without some technique that can be referred to as "hackwork". Are Disney animations hacks because there's a team of people who trace over the drawings of another team of artists? Are full CG characters in films hacked because they're based on scanned data and have dozens of artists working on a single character, rather than a single traditional artist sitting down and hand sculpting them from scratch? This is how animation and CG work - films are team efforts, really big ones. They still hand painted it the way that one would go about hand painting a film like that.

 

Fair enough. I suppose my position isn't really consistent when you look at it that way. I guess I allowed my distaste for the story/character elements to kind of bleed into a real distaste for the whole method of the film which isn't really fair. Nor necessary, I guess; I can dislike the film if I want - no reason to get personal about the painters themselves. Good pushback on this one; I stand corrected.

 

Damnit IATI, I kept staring at that post with the big blank empty spaces, waiting for a bunch of Youtube videos to load...and it turns out they really were only big blank empty spaces.

 

My reaction:



































































was not the same.

 

Saw is my favorite horror franchise of all time. I'm sure I'll enjoy it.

Anyway.


The Dark Tower (2017)

This movie is just sad. It makes me sad. It predictably butchers the source material (which arguably was not very good to begin with) and reeks of reshoots/studio interference. Idris Elba, who plays Roland the Gunslinger, looks depressed the whole time, and Mathew Mcconaughey is just coasting as the villain. It has an annoying kid as the lead who has a best friend at the beginning of the film who gives one of the most atrociously awful supporting performances of 2017. Fortunately, this best friend character, or whoever the hell he was, is not in it for long. Maybe Mathew Mcconaughey walked up to him and told him to stop breathing? That actually happens. Twice. I'm not joking, and it's baffling to witness on the screen. The guy sitting next to me in the theater burst out laughing while yelling "WHAT THE ACTUAL **** DID I JUST SEE?" You and me both, Guy in the Movie Theater Sitting Next to Me. Jackie Earl Haley is in this too for some reason. He doesn't do anything besides get hit by a bus while fighting Idris Elba.

The movie, hilariously and pathetically attempts to set up some sort of half assed Stephen King Cinematic Universe with all of these references and Easter Eggs. I can't hate this movie. It's like picking on the glue eating kid on the playground. Why bother, and you feel dead inside at the end of the day anyway.