Saga I Have Failed You. **total anguished angst**Obi-Wan, post-TPM.

Title: I Have Failed You
Author(s): Valairy_Scot
Timeframe: post-TPM
Characters: Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Genre: Total angst.
Keywords: Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Summary: Rambling thoughts of a exhausted and grieving padawan trying to come to terms with the death of Qui-Gon Jinn.
Notes: Hey, he's grieving and he's not thinking straight, so he's blaming himself.


I Have Failed You



I never wanted to let him down. I had come close, too close, too many times.

This time, I had let him down. Because of me, he was dead.

Dead. A hole burned through sinew and bone, a hole burned through flesh. A hole through his chest. A hole burned into my own heart.

Dead. Among strangers who were friends, for where Qui-Gon Jinn was, there were only friends, not strangers. I grieve among strangers, but he died amongst friends.

Dead. An empty shell once housing a warm and vital soul ? one once full of laughter and full of life. Full of love. A teacher, a mentor, and my friend. Gone now.

I remove his torn and dirty clothes, for preparing him is my duty, my wish and my responsibility. I wash his body clean of blood and sweat, my hand lingering on that cold flesh as if seeking a sign of life within, dress his cold flesh in clean tunics, and tidy his hair. Oh Force! I long ago closed those eyes that had stared into mine as he had felt his death. Mine, not his killer?s. He had sought the eyes of his apprentice ? me ? was he wishing his last sight was of me? Was it a look of warning, or of love? Or of reproachment?

Through the grace and power of the Force, I have survived my encounter with my master?s killer. I have taken a life, and I grieve twice, no, thrice. Once for my master, once for the dead being whose life I had found necessary to steal from him, and once for myself ? for I now have bloody hands. It could not have ended any other way; it would be his death or mine. It could not have been otherwise, I know. A Jedi accepts the responsibility and the need, should the occasion arise, but my heart hurts all the same. Only now do I know the weight and the burden such power carries. I will remember it, always, and do all in my power to wash my hands free of the stain.

I will always regret it, and never regret it. It had to be done, but I do not take its doing lightly.

My duty done, I sit by his bedside and let my head sink upon his chest. It will be the last time I will ever touch him, and I don?t wish to let go, but soon, his body will be consumed by the flames of his funeral pyre and all I will have left of him is memories. I will never again hear his heart beat against my ear as he holds me close, see his warm smile upon my eyes or feel the touch of his hand on my arm.

Oh, Master, my heart grieves. Had I heeded your words more closely, paid more mind to the now than to the possible, would I still be at your side, your learner, wishing to fly on my own wings while still protected by yours? Now I am on my own. The teacher now, no longer the learner.

I don?t know that I am ready for this. I must be ready, for I have no choice. It is too late to be otherwise.

I can?t go back. I can?t avoid the kick that sent me over the edge, to be far from your side when you needed me. I can?t be faster, to escape the energy gates with you, to fight at your side.

I can?t be there to take the sword thrust that took your life.

I could only watch.

Cry.

Feel I let you down.

You forgave me, Master. You wiped a tear from my eye. Told me to be the teacher. Charged me with the responsibility for that ?pathetic life form? you know will save us, trusted me. I will do what I must. You have taught me well.

You forgave me, Master. But I can?t forgive myself.

I failed you.

I will not fail with the one you have entrusted to me, for if I do?that will be my final failure. I will not fail you again.

Once is enough.

Oooh, shivering that was so good. Very Obi-Wan, especially the way he can pinpoint exactly where he thinks he failed Qui-Gon during the battle. The last line was astounding.

Poor Obi-Wan...

I liked that! Well done!

Yes, that ripped my heart out! And I've already had a bad week. Now, go write something fluffy and light. Master's orders!

But seriously, that was absolutely beautiful!

Oh, that made me cry. Poor Obi and knowing that he will indeed again fail even if not in the same way as with Qui-Gon.

Beautifully written angst.

It seems I just can't get enough angst today , and this had some great angst.

Dead. Among strangers who were friends, for where Qui-Gon Jinn was, there were only friends, not strangers. I grieve among strangers, but he died amongst friends.

I liked that . . . it's a nice contrast between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan at this point in his life. Obi-Wan's still too introverted and serious to have that Jedi-Masterly charisma yet. The poor fellow's honing his skills in the discipline and asceticism department, which seems to be about right for a beginning Knight, but that path does leave a person feeling awfully alone.

I can?t be there to take the sword thrust that took your life.

I could only watch.

I really felt his sense of helplessness here . . . I had the misfortune to watch my mother die (or fortune maybe? Like Qui-Gon, at least she wasn't alone) and I could definitely identify with the "bargaining" wish to change places, while in reality you can't do anything.

I will not fail with the one you have entrusted to me, for if I do?that will be my final failure. I will not fail you again.

Once is enough.

Poor old fellow . . . he's setting himself up there. In the end, Anakin fails himself, but I'm sure it doesn't feel that way to Obi-Wan.

Very nice--very affectingly sad.

total anguished angst is right!
wow, made even more so when obi swears he will not fail anakin at the end.... you really did a fantastic job with this! getting into the characters head and really exposing all their feelings and emotions like you do is the main reason i love fanfic so much.

Again, truly excellent job. I thought you got into Obi-Wan's mind perfectly at that point in time, and it was truly heartbreaking. The ending was perfect, not to mention chilling, because we know what will happen with Anakin.

Great job!

This was so well written. You did a great job capturing Obi-Wan's grief.

Bravo

Wow that was depressing lol, but still brilliant!!! You really put across Obi's feelings well and brought emotion to the character!!! Gr8 viggie, hope you do more!! Is it a viggie?? If not, can't wait for you 2 continue!!

LuvEwan: Glad I made you shiver. For some reason, I seem to be on quite a roll with last lines lately...reference
My Hero, My Killer and At What Price, Peace?, both angst, and I Never! Angst and humor both

Magenta_Moonshadow: Thanks!

VaderLVR64: Sorry, I'm in rip the heart mood currently.

Luna_Nightshade: Obi's a perfectionist, in a way, so his best is never his best, in his opinion, though he may have mellowed just a tad late in life.

PadwanKayla: It is sad, poor guy will think he failed again many times and go to his grave thinking so...hopefully, his 2nd life in the Force teaches him to let go.

ophelia: I really felt his sense of helplessness here . . . I had the misfortune to watch my mother die (or fortune maybe? Like Qui-Gon, at least she wasn't alone) and I could definitely identify with the "bargaining" wish to change places, while in reality you can't do anything. Please accept my condolences. That has to be a very hard thing to do.

obi-webb: you really did a fantastic job with this! getting into the characters head and really exposing all their feelings and emotions like you do ...thank you very much - that's what makes angst and 1st Person POV so great - very therapeutic.

Sakura: I know, I am sure it was heartbreaking for Obi-Wan, and then to be the cool, composed "let it flow into the Force" Jedi - tough.

Kelia: Thanks. I always felt the Jedi didn't so much suppress emotion as keep it under control, so there was a lot inside that wasn't very apparent. I think Anakin always missed seeing that emotion in Obi-Wan and the Jedi, because he didn't look for it - he expected to see it expressed.

ani_eyes: yes, it's a viggie. I can't imagine a whole angst-ridden story - too emotionally depressing. I am weaving such things into a multi-part story to be posted in a while, still fighting ch 2 & 3. If you're interested in other angsty 1st Person POV's:
My Heart is at Peace
A Father's Lament and A Mother's Prayer and the aforementioned My Hero, My Killer

That was a lovely little angsty piece.

Dead. Among strangers who were friends, for where Qui-Gon Jinn was, there were only friends, not strangers. I grieve among strangers, but he died amongst friends.

This line really stood out to me; it's a perfect description of Qui-Gon.

You just had to remind me didn't you? My poor sweet Qui-Gon.

Very nicely done Valairy.

God, that was sad. You always write Obi-Wan brilliantly, this was no exception. Great job.

Obi-Wan, you fool! You didn't fail him, you just keep thinking you do. *thwacks upside head*

Oh, that was beautiful. I love the train of thoughts, how connected they are. You write Obi-Wan so well in his angst state. I love how you brought in Qui-Gon brushing his tears away; it seemed exactly as he would have thought.

Great, superb job.

-Krystal

Aw, I didn't believe it was possible to feel any worse for poor Obi-wan after ROTS, but thinking that he may have carried such guilt within himself... surely such an emotion would flare anew with Anakin's fall... Oh!!!! *hugs Obi-wan*

Exquisite, wonderful work Valairy_Scot! This was sad, but absolutely beautiful!

Aw... *sniff* I loved it... Poor Obi-Wan! Beautifully written

Oh, that was so sad! Poor Obi-Wan. He can have a guilt complex sometimes. But just thinking back at the expression on his face when he was stuck behind the force field and he KNEW something bad was going happen. So sad....

Ah, the art of angsting. Wonderful specimen you have here.

Obi-Wan is in perfect character...How like him to take all the blame. He's one of those people who hold onto their failures and refuse to forgive themselves. And then comes his creepy yet ultimately futile determination.

Lovely, V_S.