I love you! What's your name? (JA humor, romance) My first try

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by _Cerasi_, Sep 4, 2001.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. _Cerasi_ Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 23, 2001
    star 3
    Ok, this is my first completed fanfic. I'd love feedback.

    Obi-Wan is 17.

    ----------
    Obi-Wan woke to the sound of a crying bird. He rose from his sleep couch and checked the chrono, to see how long until he and Qui-Gon would go to the palace of Ivora. They were on a routine mission that, for once in his life, was nothing but routine.

    As Obi-Wan walked into the common room of the apartment they had rented for the night, he saw that his master was reading some data files. Without looking up, Qui-Gon said "Obi-Wan, I'd like you to go out and get us some breakfast."

    "Yes, master." Obi-Wan was glad to get a chance to look around the area. He knew that the planet of Ivor was extremely green. The thick vegetation covered most of the ground, and even houses. Even well traveled roads weren't worn down to dirt, they were just as grassy as a field on other planets. The planet was known for a certain fruit called "geeshy".

    "And when you go to the marketplace, be sure to let the vendor convince you to buy something. Otherwise they will be offended. Also..."

    "... be sure to walk on the right side of the street, otherwise I'll be trampeled. I know, master, you told me all of this before we arrived." Qui-Gon finally looked up from the data files. Obi-Wan thought he noticed a strange shine to his master's eyes.

    "I know you'll do fine, padawan." Qui-Gon looked back at the files as Obi-Wan walked outside.

    Ivorals closely resemble humans. There are only 2 noticeable differences, really. ONe is their hands. The fingers on an Ivoral are much longer than a humans, they have more joints in the fingers, as well, so they bend much more easily. The other difference is in their eyes. An Ivoral usually doesn't show much emotion in a facial expression, but instead, it is shown in the eyes. They have a different eye color for each emotion.

    As Obi-Wan reached the marketplace, he noticed the crowds. The crowds were bustling and going on in an organized, but not strict, sort of way. All going in one direction were on one side of the street, and if one needed something on the other side of the street, they would go further forward, then turn around and come back.

    Another thing Obi-Wan noticed was that many were staring at him. A few women had eyes that were a dull yellow color. He could tell through the force that they were very confused. A few men, with the women, had red eyes. He didn't need the force to tell they were angry. He just didn't know why.

    A young girl was walking near Obi-Wan. But after she had been staring at him, she let out a low laugh and her eyes changed to lavendar. She dropped back and began following him. She did a clumsy job of following a person, especially a jedi. Besides, she wasn't one to blend into a crowd. Her clothing was of bright colors, and her hair was dyed to a bright red.

    Obi-Wan, tired of trying to figure out why he was being stared at, decided to talk to the girl. He turned down and alleyway and stopped a few meters in. When he was sure the girl was in the alley with him, he asked without turning, "Why are you following me?"
    ---------

    This story is short, but I'm still going to break it into parts. So, what do you think?
  2. Cow_Girl Chapter Rep Niagara ON, CA

    Chapter Rep
    Member Since:
    Jun 15, 2001
    star 5
    Ha, ha, ha [face_laugh]
    "I love you...whats your name?"
    How man times have I heard that before?...Never actually!
    Good start and I ove the title by the way!
  3. Rennati Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 27, 2001
    star 2
    Sounds cute... Can't wait to read more!

    Later
    Rennati
  4. _Cerasi_ Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 23, 2001
    star 3
    Thanks you two, I was really nervous that I wouldn't get any replies.

    ---------
    Obi-Wan turned, and saw that the girl's eyes had turned to a nervous orange. She brought her right hand level with her chest, palm out, and turned it inward while curling her long fingers. "Hi", she said nervously. Obi-Wan knew this was the greeting on Ivor, and returned the gesture. Suddenly, she laughed out loud and grabbed his hand. "Oh, you're human! You just have blue eyes. That explains it!" All traces of nervousness were gone. She smiled brightly. Obi-Wan wondered if the information that most ivorals didn't have much facial expression had been wrong. Her eyes were the same lavendar color they'd been before.

    "So, what do blue eyes mean?" Obi-Wan asked, and nodding at their hands, which she hadn't bothered to seperate yet, he added, "And what's your name, since we seem to be acquainted now?"

    "Your color blue means love." She whispered. "Not just a friend's affection. More like you want to get married. All blue eyes are affectionate." She finally let go of Obi-Wan's hand.

    "Well, that explains all the angry men."

    Again, she laughed aloud. "I'm Papeen, aged 17, only child of Papoor and Maneen." She laughed, spreading her hands. Obi-Wan remembered that formal introductions here could go back for 10 generations on each side. That must be an informal one. "What's your name? Or must I call you 'Stanger with the loving eyes'?"

    Obi-Wan introduced himself. Papeen reached down to his hand again, but this time pretended to be looking for it in his long sleeves. "I suggest you keep your hands out, Obi-Wan Kenobi."

    "I will, Papeen. You can call me Obi-Wan."

    "And you can call me Pan. All my friends do. Can I help you find something in our most beautiful kingdom, Obi-Wan?"

    "I am looking for some geeshy, if you can suggest a stand."

    Pan grabbed Obi-Wan's hand and said happily, "I know the best fruit stand in all of Ivor."

    Just then, a window opened above the alley, and a man yelled out, "I told you teens to stop usin' this alley for dates!!" Suddenly, a bucket of water rained down on Obi-Wan and Pan.
    -----------

    :)
  5. DarthIshtar Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    This is rather amusing. You're doing a great job. You say it's your first try? Wow. Anyway, please keep it up.
  6. Lady_Amethyst Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 24, 2001
    Your first time too ha? Same with my story. But hey it's really good! Keep going! (better than mine!)
  7. Jenn-Kenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 3, 2001
    star 3
    Aw, this is too cute! :)
  8. SiriGallia Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 28, 2001
    star 4
    This is cute Cerasi! I like it a lot! Can't wait for more! :)
  9. Siri_the_Angel Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 23, 2001
    star 2
    This is really funny! What do green eyes mean?
  10. DarthIshtar Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    I don't know what it means in this story, but in my world, green eyes means, "Hello! I am your goddess! Fall down and worship me!" People are usually just too ignorant to recognize that. (I have green eyes)
  11. _Cerasi_ Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 23, 2001
    star 3
    Thanks everyone. I'm getting to green eyes soon, guys, I think you'll like it. I've spent the whole day sewing, so here I am to finish it up.
    --------
    Obi-Wan followed Pan through the crowded market. His hands were clearly visible, but he was still being stared at. Apparently, two wet teenagers rushing through the market wasn't a normal sight in Ivora. At least this time the men weren't angry with him.

    Pan led him to a stand, with live plants growing in pots all around it. The vendor was busy with someone else, so Pan just pointed to a large green plant, with leaves in a big bunch at the middle. "Can't get any fresher than what's still growing, can you?" She reached her long fingers through the leaves and pulled out a round, green fruit. "Isn't that the best looking geeshy you've ever seen?"

    Obi-Wan nodded, and said, "But it's also the only geeshy I've ever seen." Pan laughed loudly, and the vendor turned to them.

    "Papeen! How does my daughter come to my stand completely wet and with..." His voice cut off as he looked at Obi-Wan. Hi eyes were a silver sort of color, he was surprised, almost shocked. Obi-Wan raised his hand so that Papoor could see it. Papoor's eyes turned to the same lavendar that Pan's were now. "Oh, dear me. I thought my daughter had come to tell me she was engaged again."

    "No, Poppa, I learned my lesson the last time I was engaged." There was no joking in her tone.

    "What a long story those engagements have become!" Papoor said to Obi-Wan, "But you don't want to hear that, you want to buy fruit. Lot's of fresh fruit!"

    Obi-Wan and Papoor went through a long and tedious haggling process that ended with Obi-Wan getting just enough fruit for him and Qui-Gon, and Papoor to be very happy with the sale.

    "Pan," Papoor said to her, "It's really too bad you hadn't said you were engaged to him, he's a wonderful boy. And to see those eyes every day."

    Obi-Wan couldn't help but blush a little. Pan took it all in stride. "I'm sure Obi-Wan has to get back to... where is it you're going?"

    "Just to the apartments over by the river."

    "Pan, take him there, maybe by the time you get there he'll propose!" Papoor laughed again, but after he laughed, his eyes turned to a light green that matched the geeshy he sold. "I will see you at home, daughter."

    As Obi-Wan and Pan walked away, and were turning around, Obi-Wan asked what green eyes meant. "Oh, green is happiness, contentment. Just the feeling you get when eating geeshy."

    Just outside the door of the apartments, Obi-Wan was just about to thank Pan for all of her help. Before he could, she quickly hugged him and kissed him, right on the lips. Obi-Wan was so surprised that he almost dropped the fruit.

    "I couldn't resist those eyes." She said, her own eyes a very dark color blue. "Goodbye, Obi-Wan." With that she walked away.

    Obi-Wan took a few minutes to steady himself after that display. As he walked in the door, Qui-Gon sent a message through the force.

    //Obi-Wan, there is one thing I forgot to tell you. Your eyes...//

    Obi-Wan ran into the room where Qui-Gon was still sitting. "You knew!" Qui-Gon was trying hard not to laugh.

    "I know that blue eyes are very affectionate." Qui-Gon explained. "My own are more of a friendship color, best friends, actually. I knew yours meant more."

    "Well, if yours are only very friendly, they didn't get you this result." Obi-Wan sent the image of Pan kissing him goodbye to his master through the force.

    "Obi-Wan Kenobi!" Qui-Gon stared at his apprentice. Obi-Wan shrugged and blushed a little. "I'd like to ask you, Padawan, why are you wet?"

    "It's been an interesting morning, master." Obi-Wan replied. "Very interesting."

    The end.
    -------------

    Well, what'd you all think?
  12. Albion Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 18, 2000
    star 3
    I like it. You've created an interesting culture (mood eyes! ;) ), and I enjoyed the overall read. I would like to see more, whenever you're ready.

    Trust me, dear... when you're starting off, take all the praise you can get. I've been here for almost a year, and sometimes it's still hard to get a comment or two when i write something on my own! :D
  13. SiriGallia Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 28, 2001
    star 4
    That was very funny! My eyes are green/blue Hmmmm ;)
  14. Jenn-Kenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 3, 2001
    star 3
    That was so good! :D

    I want a sequel! SEQUEL! *weaves hand* You do a sequel.

    I have brown eyes. What does that color mean?
  15. _Cerasi_ Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 23, 2001
    star 3
    Thank you. Actually, the culture I kind of borrowed from stuff I've heard about. It's a hodge-podge kinda thing.

    Brown eyes, well, I really don't know if Ivorals eyes turn brown.

    Sequel? Oh, gosh, I wrote this a few weeks ago and my mind has kind of moved on. Maybe, someday, but first I have to write "Her Musical Voice". That one will be longer.

    Again, thanks for all the great comments. :)
  16. DarthIshtar Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    Hmm, are you familiar with Goethe's color theory or was that green thing just a lucky guess? Good post.
  17. _Cerasi_ Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 23, 2001
    star 3
    Nope, I just guessed with all the colors. Did I get something right?
  18. DarthIshtar Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    In GCT (Goethe's Color Theory), green is the color of joy, contentment, and peace.
  19. DarthIshtar Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    Where did you go? And I found another thing about green eyes. It's from Jean Anouilh's Eurydice. Orpheus and Eurydice are talking about the color of her eyes and he says, "Your eyes are green, like the sea near a rocky shore" and she says "That means I'm happy." Her eyes change color with the various emotion. Gives way to some very powerful stuff later on. You should read that play, not for any particular reason other than it's my favorite!
  20. _Cerasi_ Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 23, 2001
    star 3
    Wow, you wrote that awhile ago, sorry I missed it. I'll look for that play! Thanks for telling me about it. :)
  21. Jedi_Laura_Kenobi Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 23, 2001
    star 5
    That was great! :D I love the idea of the eye color thing - that's neat! My eyes are green.. :p

    I'd LOVE a sequel! :D :D :D
  22. Jedi_Laura_Kenobi Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 23, 2001
    star 5
    This needs UP-ing, I think... :D
  23. _Cerasi_ Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 23, 2001
    star 3
    About time for an Up, I believe. :)
  24. shanobi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 11, 2001
    star 4
    So glad you UPed!! I never would have found it. It was very cute, a nice change of pace from all the angst and torture out there. Loved the mood eyes :)
  25. _Cerasi_ Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 23, 2001
    star 3
    Thanks so much. :)

    I'm not promising anything, but I've got a sequel in mind. I'm not sure when I'll have time to write it, though...
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.