I need help

Discussion in 'Daytona Beach, FL' started by LianaMara, Jun 1, 2002.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. LianaMara Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 30, 2000
    star 4
    I've been working on a fanfic story which is sorta like Jane Austen meets NJO. It's a comedy of manners set during the Yuuzhan Vong invasion, but it's been really slow in coming out.

    I'm wondering if anyone would be willing to proofread my story before I post parts of it. That would really, really help me.

    Thanks! :D
  2. DarthDion Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 9, 2002
    star 1
    hey LianaMara i will read it just send it to my e-mail at moonman1333@aol.com my aim is moonman1333
  3. MortWindu Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    May 19, 2002
    star 1
    heck, theres nothin much to do tonight so ill read it, mortwindu@fanforce.net
  4. Commander_Clone Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 26, 2002
    star 1
    I would be happy to help you out, but I've only read the first 3 books of NJO, and I'm a spoiler-free kinda guy. If it doesn't ruin anything for me, send to GANONDORF1@hotmail.com and I'd be happy to read it.
  5. LianaMara Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 30, 2000
    star 4
    Thanks! Once the first part is completed, I'll send it to y'all. I have to finish some researching first, though, because one of the main characters is Adumarian nobility, and I have to research Adumar more so that people won't kill me if I get something totally wrong.

    Commander_Clone: It won't really spoil you too much. Have you heard anything about Star by Star, though? It takes place before stuff in that novel.
  6. Forja-Bingbey Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 12, 2002
    star 3
    Question?

    What is the name of Dragon's Bane do you speak of?

    Forgive me M'lady, I mean no disrespect.

  7. LianaMara Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 30, 2000
    star 4
    Excuse me, kind sir, but what are you talking about? I have no knowledge of speaking of a "Dragon's Bane"?
  8. Forja-Bingbey Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 12, 2002
    star 3
    I was refering to the subject that you are writing about. I have no idea what it is. Can you let me in on your secret?

    M'lady
  9. Commander_Clone Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 26, 2002
    star 1
    Clone troopers only speak English. I don't know what either of you are talking about. I never got anything from you LianaMara about your fanfic, and I won't be as spoiled beacause I'm almost done with book 4 NJO!
    Woo-hoo!

    I want to be on the waiting list too. I have a thing for elf princesses. Wouldn't that make you un-unavailable?
  10. LianaMara Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 30, 2000
    star 4
    Forja: basically, its rich people in the NJO. The main character, Juliene ke Greso, is the daughter of a former Adumarian perator, with way too much money for her own good. Much ensews with refugees, Vong, etc.

    Commander_Clone: You haven't gotten it because I haven't typed it up yet. I wrote a short story last night, so I'm a little behind schedule.

    Yes, I will add you to my waiting list. I was an unavailble elf princess, but now I'm available. Wait...that sounds weird. 8-}
  11. LianaMara Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 30, 2000
    star 4
    Anyone who agreed to read it: I emailed you the story so far, so please tell me what you think and any improvements I can make.

    Posting it here for people to (please) look over for me. I would really appreciate your opinions.

    Juliene

    The night sky glinted with myriad twinkling stars. Casting a silvery glow on the city below, it seemed a perfect evening. The glowing multicolored shapes above seemed to only add to the loveliness of the scene.

    Juliene ke Greso sighed. On any other world, she would have sighed at the breath-taking beauty around her. But Kubindi was being invaded by that threat to humanity and all other races, the Yuuzhan Vong. Those brilliant objects above her were thousands of Vong warcruisers and coralskippers, more intent on subduing the Kubaz population than creating a living work of art.

    Turning away from the massive window of her suite, she began packing yet another bag of clothes and other items. Pushing a blonde curl behind her ear, she stuffed the turquoise gown in her luggage, then ran towards the other bedroom.

    "Xia! Where is my brown cloak?"

    A woman with long chestnut hair appeared, dragging 2 boxes behind her. "Lady Juliene, I already packed it! Leave me to deal with the clothing, and go pack your holocubes or something."

    Juliene glared. Xia ke Andrin had been her handmaiden for 4 years, but never treated her with the proper respect that the daughter of a former perator deserved. Stomping into the main room of her apartment, she started throwing holocubes in a box.

    After boring of the tedious task, she walked back to the window in her room. Tracing constellations with her finger on the glass, she smiled. Kubindi really was beautiful. After this whole Vong problem passed, she resolved that she would buy a summer house here. Perhaps on one of the minor continents?

    Xia's agitated scream brought her back from the reveries. "Lady Juliene! What in the universe are you looking at? We must hurry!"

    Juliene looked at her with blasé hazel eyes. "Xia, I was bored. I don't like packing."

    "We have to leave now, or risk being enslaved or killed," Xia bit out, her dark eyes flashing. "Lady Juliene, sometimes I really wonder if you have any common sense at all."

    Choosing to ignore that comment, Juliene stretched out on her couch and proceeded to count the credits in her handbag. Only 234. She sighed again, staring up at the wholly uninteresting ceiling. She would need to get more out of her account sometime soon.

    She stood up, and slowly made her way into the kitchen area. Opening a high cabinet, she grabbed a few bottles of chartash liquor and put them in the same box as her holocubes. Glancing left, she noticed Xia approaching, 3 boxes in her arms. Motioning Juliene forward, she pointed towards 2 woven bags.

    "Lady Juliene, can you get those please? I'm handling the rest."

    Smoothing her dark red gown, Juliene grabbed the bags, and discovered that they were fairly light. Balancing her crate on top of them, she followed Xia out the door.

    Halfway to the bladedrome containing her ship, she jumped out of the way to avoid a pair of running Kubindi. Cursing at the trunked aliens, she tripped and started to drop her burden. Reaching down quickly, she caught the box of Adumari liquor and let the other bags drop to the dimly-lit pavement. Throwing an apologetic look at Xia, she picked them up again and resumed walking.

    A few paces ahead, she heard the sound of blaster fire and ducked into an alleyway. Scanning the balconies overhead, she spotted three Kubaz adolescents with a hefty blaster rifle. Whistling to Xia, she crouched farther back and called up to them.

    "Hey, jerks!" When the trio turned to look around, she continued. "What's a group of ugly idiots like you doing with a weapon like that?"

    "Shut up, human pig! Better to give in to the Vong and stay here then to run away," one of the three shouted in whirring Basic.

    Before he could continue, Xia's pocket blaster ran out with thre
  12. Commander_Clone Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 26, 2002
    star 1
    I know that LianaMara's fanfic looks long. Trust me, It's good. I was throughly impressed! Keep us the good work!

    So I urge you to read it.
  13. LianaMara Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 30, 2000
    star 4
    Thanks, Commander_Clone! It needs some revising, but I think its working. I reread all my Jane Austen books and Vanity Fair to get an idea of what aristocratic people are like, then I reread the first 5 NJO and Starfighters of Adumar. The research was longer than the writing.

    Others: please read and critique! I'll really appreciate it. :)
  14. LianaMara Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 30, 2000
    star 4
    2nd part is up! Someone please read. :)

    She heard Xia gasp in disbelief next to her. "Shavit! Lady Juliene, what should we do now? We've got no other way out of here."

    Juliene leaned forward, and was ashamed to notice that tears had filled her eyes. Hoping her eyes were red and her makeup hadn't run, she rubbed her face and looked at Xia.

    "Are there any public transports still around? We've got enough for two tickets, but most of the ships have likely left already."

    She heard the sound of someone clearing their throat, then turned towards Christen. He smoothed his pant leg for a second, then spoke. "I could always take both of you offplanet. My ship has enough room...and I'd be happy to assist you in any way I can."

    Juliene's jaw dropped, but she quickly recovered. With shining eyes, she let Xia answer.

    "Thank you so much, Mr. Bacherr! Lady Juliene and I are very much obliged for your unending generosity, and..."

    he swiftly cut her off. "Save the thank yous for later. My ship's down at the end of the hangar, and we have to rush. We don't have much time."

    Nearing the end of the bladedrome, he parked the speeder by a medium freighter. Larger and older than her yacht, it lacked the elegance and opulence that Sunwhip had had. He faced her, smiling.

    "The Horizon," Christen said proudly. "She may be an older Subpro freighter, but she's got an incredibly large cargo bay."

    Climbing out onto the weather-beaten duracrete, he grabbed her hand and helped her down. Xia joined them by the driver's side, once again carrying her boxes.

    "Lady Juliene, can you get the rest? The faster we get out of here, the better."

    Groaning in dismay, Juliene took her load and walked in the direction of the ship. She crefully went up the ramp, then turned towards the bridge.

    "How come no one tried to steal your ship?"

    Christen turned around from his display and motioned for her to put the bags in the back. "They probably couldn't get in. Horizon's security system is one of the best. Have you ever flown?"

    She shook her head. "Xia always does that kind of thing."

    "I'll have to get her in here, then. I'll teach you later." He smirked. "By the Force, you're nothing like your sister."

    "What does that have to do with anything? I have no desire to follow in her footsteps."

    Christen glared. "How can you insult Romarin like that? She's done so much for you, and has shown you more kindness than anyone. I was right; you are utterly unlike her. You don't even deserve the title of Lady. A true noble woman would have shown more respect than you have."

    No reply was possible, because at that moment Xia entered the room. "Any way I can help, Mr. Bacherr?"

    Gradually, the anger faded from his face. He waved her towards the copilot chair. "I'll need your help to get past those Vong ships up there. Normally, I fly alone, but I could use your help with the lasers."

    Juliene sank into a seat near the back, now ignored. Pouting, she pulled her restraint on and crossed her arms. He thought he knew Romarin better than her, Romarin's sister? She shot him looks that would have rivaled daggers in their sharpness.

    ---------------------------------------------

    Christen strapped himself into his seat and quickly started up the engines. Glancing over his displays, he lit the repulsors and smiled as they smoothly lifted off the ground. Nodding at Xia, she turned the comm unit on and started broadcasting.

    "Kubindi Planetary Control, this is the freighter Horizon. Does anyone copy?"

    Looking down again, he was satisfied to see that the docking cables were safely disengaged. Hitting his main engines, they rocketed out towards the fight above. Xia looked at him sadly.

    "Planetary Control's dead. Should I try to reach other ships?"

    "Sure. Maybe we can help others out."

    Shields were at full-power, and the lasers were charged. 20 missiles were armed and ready.

    Throwing the ship into a corkscrew spin, he aimed a course away from
  15. LianaMara Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 30, 2000
    star 4
    Here is most of the 3rd part. I'm still writing, and it might be up tomorrow. Critique is appreciated. :)


    Juliene sat perched on the rock-hard bunk, now clothed in an iridescent lavender dress. Swinging her feet, she glanced up when the door opened and jumped down as Christen entered the room.

    "Durron's pilots are in the rec room, getting something to eat. I think you should join and meet them," he told her.

    Before she could exit, though, he beckoned her closer. "One of the pilots is a woman, so I'm letting her stay in here with you and Xia. I wanted to tell you in advance, so you wouldn't be upset when it suddenly happened. Is that fine with you?"

    She nodded absently, fingering her full skirt. "Can I leave now?" she asked impatiently.

    "Yes. Be polite to them, and try to make a conscious effort to reach out to them. You'll make more friends that way."

    She swept past him down the corridor, too furious to speak. She seriously wondered if he had a mental disorder, or perhaps even a physical problem? After eliminating brownlung and other diseases from her mental list, she decided that he was just self-righteous with an overactive ego. Stupid son of a Thozzelling peasant!

    Gliding into the rec room, Kyp waved her to an empty seat on the bench next to him. After seating herself, he turned to introduce her to the others.

    "Lady Juliene, I'd like you to meet Maori Lein, Ian Rim, Guenes Faraz, and Amièree. I'm sure they're delighted to finally be able to see you."

    Juliene looked around the room at the others, smiling courteously. Maori was a good-looking man with short silvery hair and keen dark eyes. His most fascinating feature, though, was his skin. It seemed bluish-tinted, and vaguely reminded her of moonlight during the harvest on Halbegardia. She returned his pleased grin.

    Ian was wholly unremarkable looking, with brown eyes, a tanned face, and hair the color of mahogany. He looked similar to a small feed-reptile: brown all over. He seemed docile enough to fit those creatures' personalities, too.

    Guenes belonged to some alien species she couldn't recall the name of, with reddish skin, burgundy hair, and jet black eyes. Watching him as he rose to retrieve a plate from the food-processing unit, she noticed that he was barely her height, if even that.

    Amièree blew them all away like a broadcap bomb. Small and slender, her pale violet hair rippled down to the middle of her back, and gold irises glistened in a radiant face. Her dark, purplish skin shone against these drab surroundings. She glanced suspiciously at Juliene, then resumed her meal.

    "Dear lady, how do you know Christen Bacherr?" Kyp asked.

    "He's my sister's husband's brother. Kerim and Romarin live on Coruscant, and I'd met Christen a few times over the years."

    "Is he related to Hassel Bacherr, the owner of Subpro Corp?" Amièree questioned in a low alto voice.

    "Yes. Christen is his eldest son," Juliene stated.

    Amièree leaned back, and a cool smile crept across her exotic face. "Isn't that interesting."

    Juliene's temper flared. Who'd this worm-ridden girl think she was? Though a mere pilot in a squadron sanctioned by neither the New Republic nor the Imperial Remnant, she carried herself like an empress. She faced Kyp and attempted to forget the little snake.

    "What have you done lately, Kyp?"

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Christen walked into the rec room and was pleased to notice that everything was going well. Juliene sat wide-eyed, listening as Kyp, Maori, and Ian recounted a mission they had recently undertaken. Guenes was still consuming a large, spicy dish, and Amièree slouched in her chair, watching everyone. Upon seeing him enter, she slided over to him.

    "Thank you for letting us stay here. I know you've probably heard this a million times today, but I had to thank you," she said softly.

    "It's no problem. Is everything fine?"

    "Yes. I better unload my belongings, and
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.