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  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

Saga If Monty Python did Eps 2&3...

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Discorpor8, Jul 18, 2005.

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  1. Discorpor8

    Discorpor8 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 22, 2005
    Title: Feche le Bantha!
    Genre: AU, Xover, Humor, Partially Songfic
    Summary: John, Eric, Graham, Michael, Terry, and Terry take over for GL! Hilarity ensues!
    Notes: All characters are Star Wars, but in Monty Python situations lovingly ripped off from Holy Grail, Flying Circus, and Life of Brian. I love you Python!


    Obi-Wan stared at the planet before him. Cold, wet, and dark, it was one of the last places he'd like to be. He sighed, landed his small starfighter, and stepped onto the puddle-ridden ground. About two hundred standard yards away a curious beacon lit up the dank night. It took on an extremely unusual shape. That dart thing everyone had made such a fuss about? Obi-Wan squinted to get a better view. It was! He ran as best his soaked leggings would allow towards the wondrous thing, reaching out his arms and letting a rare smile cross his face.

    BAM! Obi-Wan, not noticing where he was going, ran into a door. He reeled backwards, rubbing the new lump on his forehead, and cursing. "Stupid, idiotic little *****, I can't ****ing believe I just ****ing ran into this ****damn thing...." Coming to his senses, Obi-Wan tentatively knocked on the door. No answer. A little harder. Still nothing. Sith, it was wet out here. "OPEN THE DOOR!" he finally shouted. "IN THE NAME OF THE REPUBLIC, OPEN THIS DOOR!"

    Silence. Obi-Wan gripped his temples in frustration, but then, he heard a creaking. He looked up, and there was the oddest creature he had ever seen. Bug-like eyes, a long neck, and all-white clothes. "Hello,", it spoke softly. "Welcome to Planet Anthrax. It's a terrible name, isn't it? My name is Lama Su. Just Lama Su." She tilted her small head, acknowledging Obi-Wan's puzzled expression. "Oh, but you will be welcome here! Our beds are nice and warm, and very big!"

    "But I have seen the Dart! It is here!" Obi-Wan wanted to get right to business. "You must be delirious!" Cried the strange alien. "We must bring you to the med center immediately!" "That won't be necessary. I am a Jedi Knight. Please, tell me about this dart!" The alien attempted to grab him by the hood, but Obi-Wan ran as fast as he could, hurrying any possible way to evade this pathetic life form. Suddenly, he found himself in a very large cafeteria-like room. It was filled to the brim with beautiful women who all strangely looked alike. "Hello," said one. "Hello," echoed through the hall, and the women moved towards him. Obi-Wan, taken completely by surprise, stepped backward into Lama Su. "Oof! Oh, hello, Lama Su."

    "I am not Lama Su. I am her twin sister, Taun We. These are our clones, all aged 23, all blonde. They do have such a boring life, though. Dressing, undressing, formulating exciting undergarments. They've never met such a handsome Jedi Knight." Obi-Wan Kenobi had never seen this many beautiful women in his life. Maybe the Jedi Code could be set aside...NO! Never! "Erm, La-Taun We, I must ask you, I have come looking for information on a dart I have here," He fumbled in his pocket and found the unusual weapon. "It was in your safety beacon."

    Taun We's minuscule mouth made a huge O shape and she slapped her long, slim hand on her forehead. "Oh, that naughty Lama Su! Wicked, bad, naughty Lama Su! She put up our beacon, which I remember now is dart-shaped. This isn't the first time this happened, you know. She must be punished! You will tie her to the bed, and spank her!" Obi-Wan felt himself quiver slightly. Remember the Jedi-aw, forget it! "Erm, alright, then," The clones began to squeal at him, "And spank me too! And me!"

    "Yes, we will all get a good spanking from this Jedi Knight," announced an obviously excited Taun We. At that moment, Anakin burst through the door, "Pa-padawan?" Obi-Wan managed to sputter out. "No time to talk, you're in great peril," "Can't I handle it myself?" "No, master, much too perilous." With that, master and padawan hurried off Planet Anthrax.

    About a week later, Anakin, haunted by nightmares of his mother, took a starfighter and Padme to Tatooine to find her. When he arrived at Mos
     
  2. A-Windsor

    A-Windsor Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Apr 22, 2003
    lmao.... oh please more!!!! Wonderful spin....


    A. Windsor
     
  3. SiriLVR

    SiriLVR Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 6, 2005
    Ok i saw this and read it beautiful keep it up.
     
  4. Darth_Bonkers

    Darth_Bonkers Jedi Youngling

    Registered:
    Jul 18, 2005
    -le gasp-
    There is nothing better than Star Wars and Monty Python combined! Even though Mel Brooks' Spaceballs was pretty funny, but back to the awesomeness of Star Wars with a Pythonesque twist.
     
  5. Discorpor8

    Discorpor8 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 22, 2005
    By popular demand...

    Monty Wars (continued)

    The voice at the temple's balcony was all too familiar to Anakin and Obi-Wan. "Who ees eet?" Jar Jar. "What are you doing in the Jedi Temple, Senator?" Shouted Anakin. "None of yousa business!" "Can we talk to the Council about our findings on Anthrax?" "No!" Obi-Wan sighed in exasperation and mustered up the authoritative voice he rarely used on anyone but Anakin. "Jar Jar, if you do not let us in we will have to use force!" A pause. "Yousa don't frighten us, Jedi peeg-dogs! Meesa master, Chancellor Palpy, fart in yousa general direction! Yousa mama was a womprat, Annie, and Padme, sheesa smell of bantha guts!"

    "THAT'S IT!!!" Anakin was now completely over the edge. He drew his lightsaber and began running to the door, but he felt like he was on a treadmill. He wheeled around to see his master holding the hood of his cloak. "Patience, padawan," Obi-Wan whispered. "I have a plan."

    About two standard hours later, Jar Jar heard a curious noise. It sounded like a speeder being dragged on the ground. "Now whoosa eestupid enough to do that beside-a meesa?" He thought to himself with much bemusement. He looked below, and there stood a massive durasteel structure in the shape of a tauntaun. "A gift?!? For meesa?!?" He cried aloud. Elated, he dragged the thing into the temple.

    A few hundred meters away, Obi-Wan and Anakin hid behind a low wall. "So what's your plan again, master?" "Jar Jar will take the tauntaun into the Jedi temple, we jump out, and take him completely by surprise!" Anakin smacked his forehead and groaned. "Well, if we built a-" Obi-Wan couldn't finish his sentence because Anakin was now pushing him out of the path of a falling durasteel tauntaun. "RUN AWAY!" Shouted Obi-Wan over the crackle of flames and the clink of twisted metal. At the balcony, Palpatine and Jar Jar stood in triumph. "Good," intoned Palpatine darkly. "Now, what did we learn today, my little frog?" "Beware of dee Jedi bearing geefts, meesa massa." "Good. Get rest, my apprentice. Tomorrow we shall rule the galaxy."

    Actually, Palpatine wasn't that accurate. What he really meant instead of "tomorrow" was "in three years". But then, this is coming from a guy who couldn't calculate the airspeed velocity of an unstocked Corellian freighter if the problem came up and slapped him across the face. But I digress. Now Anakin Skywalker was a brave Jedi knight. He had nearly fought the vicious Count Dooku, almost slain the terrible assassin Asajj Ventress, and he had personally wet his Jedi robes at the Battle of Geonosis. With Obi-Wan Kenobi, they were the fiercest duo in the galaxy next to Darth Binks and Darth Sidious. He was married to the beautiful Padme, and they now had a child on the way. The only thing standing in the way of their love was the fact that...they didn't have a mattress.

    So, on a fine morning, Anakin and Padme set forth on a great quest to buy a reasonably priced mattress. Down they headed to the local Sleepy's on Coruscant, where they would complete their mission. Anakin walked to the Twi'lek salesman and asked, "Erm, I'd like a mattress please. Do you have one for-say-80 credits?" "Terribly sorry, master Jedi, but our cheapest mattress is 1000 credits." "A thousand?!?" Anakin was in absolute shock. Quickly a human salesman materialized before them. "I'm sorry, sir. You see, in his culture, everything is multiplied by ten. Other than that he's perfectly normal. I'll tell you everything. Our 18X15-standard foot mattress is 300 credits and is absolutely wonderful for a newlywed couple," he eyed Padme.

    "18X15? Awfully big, isn't it?" Asked Padme. A moment later, another salesman appeared. "So sorry, madam, you see, he multiplies everything by three, but other than that he's fine. Just the customs on his home planet." "Oh. I see," sighed Padme, beginning to be very irritated. "Annie, honey. Let's ask another salesman." Padme gripped her husband's arm and headed over to the salesman at the front of the store. Anakin cleared his throat slightly. "We'd-uh-like to buy a
     
  6. Discorpor8

    Discorpor8 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 22, 2005
    Here's some more for you all....

    "Let's just go to the Mattress King on Tatooine, Ani," Padme was still shaken from seeing a salesman make incoherent noises whilst wearing a bag over his head. "You know, you held me there, like you did on Naboo..."

    Anakin wasn't paying much attention to Padme. hormones, he thought. will she be like this for nine whole months? Just perfectly bloody wonderful. A sudden beeping of his comlink brought him out of his reverie. "Chancellor Palpatine requests your presence immediately," "Be right there." Funny, thought Anakin. He rarely calls me on weekends. "Padme,"

    Padme stopped yammering about worker ants and looked at Anakin. "Yes, schnoodles?" "Please, just call me Ani, but I've got to go, sweetie. Meeting with the Palpster." "Bye." Anakin hated to leave his love behind in the street. Longingly he looked back, wishing they could get a ship and go to Tatooine immediately. But that was not his destiny.

    Palpatine was already waiting for Anakin in his office. He sat legs crossed in his elegant swivel chair and motioned for Anakin to sit in the seat opposite him. He stood to his full height, an imposing 2 meters, and began to kick his legs up in the air, using this curious gesture as a means to walk. "Son, I've called you here to tell you about a lucrative opportunity to gain power." Anakin felt an odd twinge in the Force when he said power. Good or bad? He thought. The Dark Side clouds my vision. Palpatine continued, now bringing his knees together and waddling round the perimeter of his desk. "You see, the Republic is granting emergency power to my orginization, the Ministry of Silly Walks. I'm appointing-" He brought his feet inwards and flexed his knees straight, then continued walking. "You to represent the Ministry on the Jedi Council."

    This shocked Anakin. Even with his flexibility, he, Anakin Skywalker was not worthy of representing such a wonderful establishment! Why, Palpatine himself knew every walk there is to know! "Chancellor, this is such an honor to me!" Stammered Anakin. "I-I can't thank you enough!" He walked over to shake his hand, but remembered his new position. He tentatively crossed his legs at the knees and began hopping over to Palpatine. "Good, good. Since my last apprentice Darth Binks died in an-unfortunate accident-you can be my new apprentice. Darth...Tater. I like it," whispered Palpatine, almost a growl. "Tomorrow, you begin your training."

    Today was Anakin's first meeting with the Jedi Council. His legs were still achy from the training Palpatine had put him through, but it was all worth it. Soon he would be a great Silly Walk Lord, and he would rule the galaxy! A particularly furtive glance from Obi-Wan brought him from his fantasy, and his former master got up and began his report on his findings in the Expensive Forests of Endor. After about five minutes of droning about the Force, he stopped. "You know, I didn't want to be a Jedi Knight, constantly rabbiting on about the Force and patience. I never wanted that. I wanted to be...A LUMBERJACK! Felling the mighty trees in Endor, exploring the vast forests of Naboo, the larch! The fir! The Scots pine! And with my Sabe by my side, I'd sing, sing, sing!
    I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day
    I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavat'ry, on Wednesdays I go shoppin', and have buttered nerf for tea!
    CHORUS
    I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to make pashminas, I put on women's clothing, and hang out in cantinas!
    CHORUS
    I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspendies, and a bra, I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear mama!"

    At that moment, Obi-Wan ripped off his robes, revealing fishnets, a lacy bra, and a miniskirt Anakin vaguely remembered as belonging to Padme. Yoda clutched his chest and collapsed, Mace Windu grabbed a paper bag from behind his seat and began breathing into it, and Anakin just stared in horror. This wasn't like Obi-Wan! Not one little bit!

    "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay....
    I SLEEP ALL NIGHT AND I
     
  7. ANAKINSBABY

    ANAKINSBABY Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 27, 2005
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] OMG! Burma!! Sorry I panicked:p Please add more soon! Python and Star Wars...the world is perfect!
     
  8. Discorpor8

    Discorpor8 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 22, 2005
    Thanks for the feedback, guys. I've been watching lots of my Flying Circus DVDS for inspiration, and now I have a few more ideas, mostly involving Anakin's shock at Obi-Wan's cross-dressing, the death of Yoda, and some good stuff with clonetroopers. Anyway, I'll put up a bit more here, but leave the rest for tomorrow, torture you a little...[face_mischief] Here goes!

    "What did you do?!? Master Kenobi, you just killed the greatest Jedi who ever lived, caused Master Windu to have a panic attack, and I can deduce that you've snuck into Padme's closet! Don't you ask what you did!" Anakin had just lost most of his respect for Obi-Wan. Even though the only thing he opposed Palpatine on was the bill on gay marriage (Palps was the conservative type unfortunately), he still couldn't believe his own former master was wearing a bra.

    This is how it feels to be Obi-Wan Kenobi right now. You just danced around in women's clothing in front of the entire Jedi Council, and now you feel the icy words of your former padawan scraping at your heart. You want to speak, but you can't. You sense something near Yoda's body. A voice? "Anakin!" "What, are you going to be normal now, or what?" "I think I hear Master Yoda!" "Don't be silly, he's stone dead!" "No, really! Listen!"

    And it was true. A faint voice quivered near Yoda's corpse. "N-not dead I am." Anakin ran over to the little green mound, a still miniskirted Obi-Wan in tow. "Master Yoda, you are weak. You will probably die soon," Never had Anakin been so pessimistic. "No, Go for a walk, I will." Yoda struggled to get up, but even with the Force, it was a losing battle. "Master Yoda, you'll be stone dead in a minute. Stop it." "Happy I feel! Happy I feel! Ha-" Obi-Wan drew his lightsaber and whacked the great Jedi master over the head. The 880-year-old alien fell to the floor dead. "Thanks," said Anakin. "Now do me a favor and put on normal clothes." Obi-Wan gathered up his Jedi robes and ambled back to their apartments, while Anakin headed to his speeder. He had work to do for Palpatine.

    TBC!! (muahahahaha....)
     
  9. Discorpor8

    Discorpor8 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 22, 2005
    Sorry about not updating yesterday. I was sort of busy, but here's more for you!

    Anakin hopped into his speeder and sped towards Palpatine's office. He was still shaking off the image of Obi-Wan in Padme's clothes when he heard an odd cackling behind him. He whirled around in his seat to come face to face with...Ki-Adi-Mundi, Shaak Ti, and Aayla Secura! Ki-Adi-Mundi stared at the young Jedi knight and announced, "We are the Jedi Masters who say Ni!" Anakin inched back in his seat, hoping he wouldn't crash into a building. "With all due respect, masters, I'm in a bit of a hurry, so if you'll excuse me-" "We will NOT excuse you, young whippersnapper! For your insolence, we demand a sacrifice!"

    What in the name of the Force? Thought Anakin. Heaving a heavy sigh, he replied, "Oh, Masters of Ni, what is the sacrifice you want?" "We want-" a dramatic pause. "A shrubbery!" "A shrubbery?!? But those only grow on the moon of Endo-" "NI!" Now Shaak Ti and Aayla Secura joined in. "Fine, Masters. I will get your shrubbery." "Not too expensive," "Of course." "And no thorns." "As you wish." Anakin sped off into the night.

    He decided to check out the markets first. He came upon an old woman and asked, "Do you know where I can get a shrubbery?" "No! No shrubberies here! Go away!" "Erm-Ni!" "Not the Masters who say Ni!" In the midst of all this, Anakin heard a voice behind him. "These are dark times when Jedi knights pick on old ladies, even the shrubbery business isn't doing so well." Anakin felt a wave of relief. "You-are-in the shrubbery business?" "Yes, I am Roger the Shrubber. Shrubberies are my trade." "What a stroke of luck! How much do you ask?"

    An hour later, Anakin presented the Masters of Ni with the shrubbery. "Quite nice," remarked Shaak Ti. "But there is one more test," intoned Ki-Adi-Mundi. "Yes?" "You must fight the mightiest Sith Lord with-" Anakin shuddered slightly. "A herring!" "But-but that's impossible!" "Ni!" "It will be done," Anakin now regretted even turning around now. He should have hurried away when he had the chance. Suddenly, the Masters grabbed what passed in their species for ears. "Not the word! Oh no!" Anakin Skywalker felt his old self come back. "Which word is it?" "AAAUGH!" "Well, I don't know what word it is if you don't tell me!" "NOOOO!!! Evil!! It-I said it! And again! AAAUGH!" Anakin chuckled to himself and sped off to Palpatine's office.

    As he waddled in on his heels with his knees together, Anakin saw Palpatine, as usual, sitting quietly at his desk. "Hello, Darth Tater," "Greeting, my master." Palpatine stood up and skipped over to the new Silly Walk Lord. "You have done well, my apprentice. Today we have a meeting with our newest ally." Palpatine gestured to a chubby, bearded man wearing a flannel button-down and underneath a T-shirt that read, "I did 6 Star Wars movies and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt." Darth Tater gasped. "It's..it's...GEORGE LUCAS!"

    "Actually, I'm looking for someone named Michael Ellis. You might recognize him. Six-foot-nine, a scar from ear to ear, and no nose." "That's him?" "No, that's not Michael Ellis. He's a 3-foot-tall man with a squeaky voice." Palpatine whispered, "Do you have any more information about him?" "No." George sighed quietly. He was already annoyed that the Pythons had taken over production, and even more miffed that Ian and Hayden wouldn't get out of character. Plus, that wannabe lumberjack Ewan stole his lucky shirt. So this is showbiz, he thought.

    TBC!!
     
  10. ANAKINSBABY

    ANAKINSBABY Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 27, 2005
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] I am still laughing so forgive any typos!
    It's great to see someone else who loves Python too! Just imagining Palpatine doing the silly walks....*giggle*......
    look forward to more!!!!
     
  11. Discorpor8

    Discorpor8 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 22, 2005
    ANAKINSBABY: Thanks so much for your generous feedback on my work. You didn't make any typos, btw. I'm going to add on some more here in this post, so I hope you and everyone else enjoys it. This one will have a very Ep II speeder chase between GL and Ewan McGregor [face_love]/Obi-Wan, but I won't give any more spoilers on that one. Here goes!

    Anakin was very puzzled by the description of Michael Ellis. The only squeaky-voiced person he knew of was Padme, but that was only when they took a wrong turn during their honeymoon and ended up on a planet where the atmosphere was entirely helium. Are you going to kill this nutjob or whatever? Anakin used all his willpower to smother the dragon inside his heart. He had become so used to this being that he had named it Hayden. ...And another thing. Why'd you name me Hayy-den? The dragon was mocking him now. I mean, why not Bob or Snuggles or Mr. Sugarbunny? Anakin wanted to rip that little fiend limb from limb. Darth Tater wanted to Force-choke it. Who am I? He thought. Who am I?

    All of a sudden, in the middle of George's interrogation, Obi-Wan burst into the room wearing a flannel shirt quite similar to the one George had on now. "Ewan! When I get my hands on you you're dead meat!" George Lucas rose from his chair and attempted to grab the Jedi Master's shirt. "Who's Ewan?" Asked Palpatine and Anakin at the same time. But it was too late. Obi-Wan was coming towards Anakin, lightsaber drawn, face in a scowl. "I knew you were a Silly Walk Lord! I followed you here! I wasn't fooled by the 'Electric Teakettles' sign!" Anakin was now replaced by Darth Tater. He drew his lightsaber, and the epic battle began.

    Darth Tater and Obi-Wan fought fiercely. Their blades hummed with a ferociousness unparalleled. But in a moment of complete abandon, Obi-Wan cut off Anakin's mechanical arm. "Victory is mine!" "Tis but a scratch!" "A scratch?!? Your arm's off!" "No, it isn't," "Look!" "I've had worse." "You liar!" "Come on, ya pansy!" Darth Tater continued to singlehandedly fight Obi-Wan, but soon he was completely disarmed. Obi-Wan, exhausted, fell to his knees. Suddenly, he felt Darth Tater's boot connect with his head. "Chicken! Chicken!" Was Anakin's battle cry.

    "Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left." Obi-Wan had never called Anakin a bastard, let alone stupid. Except for that time on Neimoidia. "Only a flesh wound," said Anakin, glancing at his stump. George Lucas stepped in. "Uh, guys, first of all, let the CGI people do the dismemberment, and second of all, Ewan, it wasn't in the contract that you would get a real live lightsaber. Now cut this out." "NEVER!" Screamed the dueling heroes. "And my name's not Ewan!" Added Obi-Wan as he moved toward his armless former padawan.

    Anakin continued to kick Obi-Wan in the shins, bringing him to the brink of patience. "Look, stop that! I'll have your leg!" SHWOMP! Off went Anakin's right leg! "I'll do you for that!" "You'll what?" "I'm invincible!" "What're you going to do, bleed on me?" "THE SILLY WALK SIDE WILL ALWAYS TRIUMPH! HAVE AT YOU!" "You're a loony, Anakin," said Obi-Wan softly, feeling tears in his blue eyes. Choking back all emotion, Obi-Wan hacked off Anakin's left leg. He hung his head, deactivated his lightsaber, and began to walk out of the room. George Lucas stood to the side, hugging John Williams (who was uncomfortably conducting The Immolation Scene) and sobbing. "Oh, running away, eh? YOU YELLOW BASTARD! COME BACK HERE AND TAKE WHAT'S COMING TO YOU! I'LL BITE YOUR LEGS OFF!" Anakin screamed in agony behind Obi-Wan, letting Hayden consume him whole.

    "G-George?" Hayden had resurfaced. George Lucas looked up, and John cued the happy music. "Oh, Hayden!" George hugged the limbless torso to his heart, letting his 23-year-old protege's tears soak through his best flannel shirt.

    TBC! The speeder chase will be tomorrow! I promise!
     
  12. Discorpor8

    Discorpor8 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 22, 2005
    After a long embrace, George dropped his limbless friend to the floor. Darth Tater reemerged. "YOU IMBECILE! HOW DARE YOU DROP THE GREATEST SILLY WALK LORD OF ALL TIME?!?!?" George Lucas walked into the wall, surprised at Hayden's disappearance. John Williams was taken so completely by surprise that he passed out headfirst into a cello. Chaos now reigned in Palpatine's office.

    The Chancellor and Silly Walk Lord did not approve of his apprentice being thrown to the ground, even more than he didn't approve of his limbs being hacked off. He squatted and leapfrogged over to George and Darth Tater. In his rage, he picked up Darth Tater's left arm, stood to his imposing full height of 2 meters, and began whacking George Lucas over the head with the severed limb. "Ian! Please! This is a breach of contract! Can't we talk this over?" George pitifully begged for mercy, when Palpatine paused. Ian? They used to call me that. Back before I came to the Silly Walk Side. Oh, how I hated that name. He threw the arm to the ground and let his knees fail him. He felt tears in his eyes and a metallic taste in his mouth.

    Then he made a sort of whistling sound. A choked back sob? Of course not! A horde of old women clad in black and very tasteful straw hats, and accesorized with reasonably priced handbags stormed into the room. Hell's Grannies! John came to and cued Duel of the Fates, mumbling an apology to the cellist he fell onto. Another epic battle had begun.

    The odifferous octogenarians fought fiercely. But they were no match for the Force-assisted running power of George Lucas. As George burst out the door, a pack of KEEP LEFT signs hurried in and crushed the pugnacious pepperpots to death, and there was much rejoicing.

    "Now, to find Ewan," muttered a justafiably confused George Lucas. After much searching, he came upon a speeder that he designed himself. "If I were Ewan, where would I go?" He scratched his whiskered chin in thought. The cantina! A moment later, George sped off into the night.

    After getting hopelessly lost twice, he finally found the cantina. Among the Twi'leks and the Dugs, it was not hard to find the faded flannel shirt and adorably shaggy brown hair. He approached the apparent lumberjack/Jedi Master with caution, knowing he had both a chainsaw and a lightsaber. "I have you now!" For some reason, James Earl Jones spoke for him. Was it a power trip? George grabbed the plaid cotton, but only felt air a second later. "Gimme my shirt back, come on!" George Lucas hadn't whined like this since Steven Spielberg stole John Williams. Ewan stood up and ran towards his speeder. "Ewan McGregor! Get back here right now!" His shouts were to no avail. "So be it!" George pushed his way through the crowd to his speeder, and the chase began.

    Somehow Ewan could pilot an actual speeder, even though he had only pantomimed with the blue screen. George weaved through the less and less CGI street to reach the filcher of his lucky shirt, wishing John would hurry up and get the climactic music going. That always boosted morale, and he could always tell the winner by the tone of the song. He narrowly missed hitting a Twi'lek, and almost rammed into an apartment building. "I want my Hummer so bad now," thought the famed director. "Cruising around Skywalker Ranch, man, those were the-" His thought remained unfinished as he almost smashed into Ewan's speeder. Ewan jumped off the side, mimicking Hayden so clearly that George choked back tears. Soon he followed, letting the flannel snap and dance in the wind.

    TBC!!!
     
  13. Discorpor8

    Discorpor8 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 22, 2005
    This edition ends the climactic chase scene, and Obi-Wan is captured and tortured by Palps in pure Python manner. And le update...

    Obi-Wan fell. His eyes watered from the rushing air around him and his arms were extended outwards in flight. Free. But then his heart sank. He looked above, and there above him was that pathetic life form George Lucas*. Now he couldn't maneuver himself away; the end was near, and he let his life flash before his eyes. Then, the impossible happened: A spaceship appeared out of nowhere! Everyone stared at the once-falling Jedi, who had now been picked up by creatures who looked like a Twi'lek and a Neimodian had children together. Not a pretty sight.

    Obi-Wan found himself sitting behind the oddest aliens he'd seen in a long time. "Sirs," he cleared his throat. "Can you tell me where you're from?" "Mars." Never heard of it. "Galaxy?" He gestured encouragingly with his hands. "Milky Way." Must be a galaxy far, far away. Then, as quickly as he was swept up, Obi-Wan found himself again on the streets of Coruscant. For some reason, Siri was next to him.

    "Can you tell me what just happened?" Obi-Wan could tell she was as confused as he. "I don't know." "What did they want with you?" "Well, I wasn't expecting an imperial interrogation," muttered the befuddled Jedi Master. Out of nowhere, two red guards jumped in front of him. "NOBODY EXPECTS AN IMPERIAL INTERROGATION!" Siri ran off in absolute terror. Obi-Wan was alone now. The first red guard continued. "Our three weapons are fanatical devotion to the Emperor, Fear, and Secrecy. And blasters. Four!" One whispered to him. "What about manipulation?" This was getting weirder by the minute, thought Obi-Wan.

    "Oh, screw it. We have many weapons. Now, brrring out the rack!" The other two guards produced a dishrack and tied it to Obi-Wan's front and back. "What in the name of the Force?" asked a puzzled Obi-Wan. "For your insolence, you will be sent to-the comfy chair!" Obi-Wan settled into the gungan skin Barcalounger, almost closing his tired eyes. "Now, beat him with pillows!" Coming to his senses immediately, Obi-Wan drew his lightsaber and slashed all three guards and their respective pillows in one swift motion. "That was easy."







    *This is Obi-Wan's POV. George Lucas is the man, and is actually a very nice life form. I hold only the grudge of Jar Jar Binks against him. Rock on, George! |m|
     
  14. ANAKINSBABY

    ANAKINSBABY Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 27, 2005
    Not the comfy chair!!!!!! [face_laugh]

    I don't think I have laughed this hard since.....Ya know I'm not sure when!!! Just how much do you watch Python Discorpor8?? Personally I usually watch a bit almost everyday(DVD's and the wonderful BBC-America give me my fix!)

    Can you PM me when you update this?? And now I must go there's someone at my door.....a Mr.Death or somebody...going on about the salmon mousse....;)

     
  15. Discorpor8

    Discorpor8 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 22, 2005
    ANAKINSBABY:Thanks so much for your feedback! I watch Monty Python almost twice a week (I was raised on the stuff) I have the entirety of Flying Circus, Special Edition Holy Grail, still trying to get Meaning of Life and Life of Brian. I'll be updating tomorrow, so have no fear. But remember, nobody is to PM anyone until I blow this whistle! And I'll make it very clear: even if they DO say Jehovah!

     
  16. Discorpor8

    Discorpor8 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 22, 2005
    Here's the update!

    Obi-Wan deactivated his lightsaber, leaving the corpses of the aliens on the road behind him. He had to find Anakin and cast Hayden and Darth Tater from him. He was still amazed that three people could live in that birdbrain of Anakin's, but so went the will of the Force. He pushed his hair out of his eyes and reached into the Force to find Anakin/Hayden Christensen/Darth Tater. After he checked Palpatine's office, Padme's place, and that nasal injury store, he found him in the most unlikely place: The Moulin Rouge! What could he be doing there? thought Obi-Wan, wincing as he remembered the dragon in him. The dragon who loved to sing and dance and tell supposedly naughty poetry. "NO!" The last place he wanted to go was that place. George Lucas was already onto him, and he didn't need to go to a place where the dragon would go.

    "But I must," sighed Obi-Wan as he let the black beast of Ewan overtake him. Suddenly he found himself without his familiar Coruscanti accent or his Jedi robes. He was now in a suit, and his hair was black. "What the-" Even Ewan was surprised at the sudden transformation. Using the Force, Obi-Wan shut himself in his mind, letting Ewan control him. Summoning up all his confidence, he marched into the Moulin Rouge.

    Meanwhile, Darth Tater was mingling at the famed nightclub. At the moment he was talking with a beautiful redhead. "So, I'm a big ruler and all, y'know. Soo-o, what do you do?" Before the girl could open her mouth, Ewan had sidled up next to the Silly Walk Lord. "She does not choose the Sith Lord; she chooses the humble Jedi! Don't change the plot!" "What in the name of the Force are you talking about, but more importantly, who are you?" Darth Tater did feel some sort of familiarity with this lunatic. Obi-Wan? He shook his head and Force-threw Ewan out of the club. "SATIIIINNNE!!!" "Satine? Is that your name?" Once again Tater turned on his charm.

    Satine took the cigarette from her mouth, but she broke into a paroxysm of coughing, and she dropped it. Soon the entire cabaret was in flames. Tater barely survived. "I HATE YOU, OBI-WAN!!" was the last thing he shouted before everything went black.

    Ko-haaa...Ko-haaa... Was he breathing? Tater tried to speak, but a different voice said his words. "Where's Satine? Is she alright?" Palpatine waddled next to him. "It seems in your catching a cold, you gave her consumption, and now she's dead. Only Ewan witnessed it. And the whole thing was made into a hit movie." "SAATIIIIIINNNNE!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!" He tried to let out his tears, but he had no eyes. Only photoreceptors. He wanted to snivel like a little girl, but he had no nose. Only an aspirator. "What have I become? All I needed was love, and look what happened!" Tater tried again to sob as Palpatine uncharacteristically patted his shoulder consolingly. Darth Tater could not be this emotional. He stood up and began to walk. He didn't march. He skipped. And waddled. And hopped. He now was the greatest Silly Walk Lord there ever lived!

    Twenty Years Later

    I have him now. The time had come to lure Luke to the Silly Walk Side through marriage. Darth Tater had captured his son, and was now holding him in the Death Star. Today was Luke's wedding day, and he was marrying the Silly Walk Lord Darth Carol Cleveland. Tater had put on his best cloak and had spit-shined his mask; today would TRULY be the happiest day of his life.

    "Luke," The young man turned around to face his father in his holding cell. "Oh, Father." He didn't seem exactly overjoyed. "I want to talk to you, son." "Shoot," Tater pointed to the small transparasteel window in the cell. "Someday, son, all this will be yours," "What, this cubicle?" "No! This battle station! The first one I built got blown up by rebels. The next one lost its orbit, then the rebels blew it up. But this, this one stayed up, and this is the one you're getting." "But I don't want that!" How could he not? The sheer power of this thing would lure anyone.
     
  17. ANAKINSBABY

    ANAKINSBABY Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 27, 2005
    [face_laugh] Another brilliant post!! I'm really quite glad there's no one to see me when I read your posts because I laugh myself silly!!!

    So you were raised on Python...are you USA, UK or elsewhere?
    Are you having trouble finding MOL and LOB ??

    Thanks for the PM please keep 'em coming!! Must go now the parrot looks dead and I've got a craving for spam!!;)
     
  18. Discorpor8

    Discorpor8 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 22, 2005
    Thanks. I live in the US but my parents have very British senses of humor, and I'm much closer to getting MOL and LOB because I've gotten on my parents' good side :). Anyway, I'm updating. This one will have a little bit of Spamalot (I won't spoil it if you haven't seen it, but it is amazing, and the Lady of the Lake totally deserved that Tony) in it. Here goes!... but only after I go to the department store; my hovercraft is full of eels.

    As Darth Tater and Han Solo continued down the stairs of the Death Star, three girls appeared on the bridge. All of them wore WE LOVE EWAN T-shirts and had buttons emblazoned with the handsome actor's face. A pianist sat near them, and they began their song.

    Whatever happened to Ewan's part?
    He was so sexy at the start
    Now we've watched 1, 3, and 2,
    But here he's got nothing to do
    He's been off cam for far too long
    He doesn't even have a song
    We are some unhappy divas
    That George Lucas has deceived us
    Only Obi can captivate our hearts
    Whatever happened to Ewan's part?
    We always never fear
    When he amps up his career
    To great lengths, we'll stalk him
    At premieres
    He has no Grammies, oh good Lord
    He has no Oscar Award
    And he's constantly upstaged by Britney Spears
    Britney Spears
    Whatever happened to his show?
    He was the sh** now we don't know
    He's hotter than those Jedi knights
    Just check out those skin-tight tights
    Give us back our Moulin Rouge
    Where we can see his talent's huge
    Hayden rolling in the grass
    Well he can kiss our a**
    It seems to us it's not in
    This flick's plot
    Whatever happened to Ewan's
    We'll call George Lucas, dang it!
    Whatever happened to his...
    Not Hayden's! Not Hayden's!
    But Ewan's...
    PART!!!

    George Lucas stared at them. "Girls, wrong time period. Ewan is six, it's 1977, and who the heck is Hayden?" The three lovelorn fangirls stormed off the set in anger. George Lucas looked at the befuddled Harrison Ford and James Earl Jones. "Well? Get on with it!" Scene 24 continued.

    "Um, Lord Tater?" "Yes, young Solo?" "I gotta get back to, you know, Leia, and the rebels." "Well, off you go. Your escape pod is in the docking bay." Han was surprised. Before Darth Tater could change his mind, he was back on the Millenium Falcon in a meeting with the Rebel Alliance.

    "This fight is symbolic of our struggle against tyranny!" Shouted Leia. "We must fight!" "It is the birthright of every man-" "and woman," interjected Ben. "Yes, women too," continued Leia. "To have an equal place in the grand scheme of things! We're fighting for all mankind!" "And woman!" added Ben. "Ben, why do you keep going on about women?" asked Leia. "Well-erm-you see-I-I want you to call me Loretta from now on," Everyone was shocked. "Why the stuf do you want to be called Loretta?" Asked Han.

    "I want to have babies," stated Ben flatly. Wedge leaned close to him. "Obi-Wan, you can't have babies," "Don't you oppress me!" C-3PO ran to the back to go get the "happy spice" Han kept in the back for this purpose. "You see, Obi-Wan, you can't have babies because-because you don't have woman-parts." Wedge tried to reason with him. Leia stood up. "Well, we can fight for his right to have babies! It's his struggle against societal mores about what constitutes a man or a woman! It's symbolic of a struggle against tyranny!"

    "(It's symbolic of his struggle against reality,)" muttered Chewbacca.


     
  19. Discorpor8

    Discorpor8 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 22, 2005
    BIG ANNOUNCEMENT:

    I will be leaving for vacation tomorrow morning :(, and I will not be back until August 22nd. This is the last update for about a month, but I will make this an RR so that it won't fall. Please feel free to add to the story for the month, using any Python stuff you can think up for the characters of Eps 1-6 (Please, no EU). After I return, I will continue adding on; that means the RR status of this fic ends on 8/22. I hope you had fun with my stuff! When I get back, I want to see your Python/SW X-Over talents!

    May the Force be with you,
    Discorpor8
     
  20. ANAKINSBABY

    ANAKINSBABY Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 27, 2005
    Oh poor Loretta...I mean Obi-wan...*colapses in a fit of giggles*

    I must say I'm sorry for me but happy for you that you are going on vacation!!! Have a splendid time! When you have anything new, anything at all,PM me!!
     
  21. Discorpor8

    Discorpor8 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 22, 2005
    I have returned! Here's my newest update:

    Back at the Death Star, Lord Tater realized his horrible mistake. How could he let the co-leader of the Rebel Alliance just traipse off the ship without a word? With no other way to drown his sorrows, he consulted his beautiful wife, Padme.

    "Oh, Padme, I love you more than life itself. I need advice, any advice, just speak to me! You haven't spoken or opened your eyes in 20 years!" He buried his respirator in her hair. "Is that a new perfume you're using?" That curious smell had grown worse and worse over the past 20 years, and he still couldn't figure out what it was. Suddenly, the answer hit the Silly Walk Lord like a lightsaber to the cranium. As fast as his cybernetic legs could carry him, Tater ran with his wife to Darth Sidious.

    "My wife is dead!" Tater cried in despair to his master.

    "Naw, she's just resting." Sidious flicked some lint off his new robe absentmindedly, turning his deformed face toward his near-perfect cuticles.

    "You assured me 20 years ago that she was only lying in a heap on the ground from the gases on Mustafar!" Tater was enraged now. "I realize that the only reason she ever stood up was because she was nailed to the floor," He shook his robotic hand in fury. "Furthermore, she's stone dead!"

    "She's a lovely woman, my apprentice," mumbled Sidious.

    "It's not a matter of how lovely she is. This woman is dead! She's not moving!" Sidious poked her eye.

    "Look, she moved!"

    "No! I saw you move her!"

    "She's only resting!"

    "You call this resting?!?" Darth Tater grabbed Padme's hair and bashed her head repeatedly against the coffee table. "Wake up, Padme! Wake up! I got some more hair gel for you! Wake up!" He dropped her to the ground. "Now, that's what I call dead."

    "She's just resting..." slurred Sidious, obviously fed up with Tater's whining. He cupped his chin in his hand and rolled his yellowed eyes.

    "She's dead! Stiff! This woman is no more! Ceased to be! Gone to meet her maker!" To emphasize his point, Tater lightly slapped her sunken cheeks with each euphemism. Suddenly....

    TBC!
     
  22. Discorpor8

    Discorpor8 Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Jun 22, 2005
    Okay, I've got a brand, fresh new update for all of you, so here goes...

    Darth Vader was so shaken by the revelation that Padme died, he almost quivered in his suit. It was hard to breathe, even with the respirator. Could it be? Yes. He was having...A Flashback.

    Yes, it was back in 18 BBY, long before he cut his ties with that cursed Obi--Loretta, whatever he called himself now, that old coot. He was commanding a legion of clonetroopers on Alderaan when they came to a cave where Seperatists could be hiding. Ancient lore told of a horrible monster, and some clones were suspicious. "Knight Skywalker, I think there could be a monster back there," said Commander Cody. "Don't be silly, Commander. What? You think it's the little bittrle over there?" Anakin gestured to a small rodent sniffing around on the rocks. "If you're so scared, why don't you kill it?" The young knight knew this was not the way of the Jedi, but he was feeling a little bit reckless today.

    Then, the most unexpected thing happened. Commander Cody drew his blaster, and took a potshot at the bittrle! Suddenly, the tiny animal lept about 2 meters in the air, and landed squarely on Cody's helmet. With a great rrrrriiiip, the clonetrooper's helmet clanked to the ground. Anakin, still fearful of death, looked away, hearing only a bloodcurdling scream and the squeak of the vicious creature. He turned to yell at his compatriot, only to see a severed head and a very happy bittrle. In his anger, he drew his lightsaber and ran at the vicious rodent. "Yaaagh!" He cried as he bore down on the seemingly innocent creature. But it was to no use. The bittrle somehow found Anakin's right arm to be awfully tasty, and Anakin was powerless to stop it.

    All he remembered after the bittrle latched onto his arm was Obi-Wan shouting, "We'll not risk another frontal assault! That bittrle's dynamite! Run away! Run away!" Then everything went fuschia.

    In one day, the 21-year-old was forced to experience the loss of two loved ones, something one should never have to face. And thus was my downfall, said the masked Silly Walk Lord to himself as he crab-walked down the bridge of the Death Star, left to contemplate his actions for yet another day.
     
  23. Culf_the_Sith

    Culf_the_Sith Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Sep 7, 2005
    I thought Obi as Galahad was great, but that was untill the Obi/Ani-black knight fight! BRILLIANT! Never thought of it like that before, but I loved it! And I laughed out loud at the "NOBODY EXPECTS AN IMPERIAL INTERROGATION" You gotta love it!
     
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