Lit Ignorance is not an Obstacle: The Manifesto of the Unread

Ha. Nice placement of my "thoughts" in this thread

 

I have not read Tarkin but I have heard it is nothing but James Luceno doing winks to the legend continuity and screaming at the top of his lungs "Have I told you how good I am with obscure, now non-canon Star Wars facts!"

I give it 3/10

 

Dark Disciple is the worst Star Wars novel since The Glove of Darth Vader (which I haven't read either, but I'll trust in what everyone said about it ) Way to ruin well fleshed out characters with excellent back stories and a huge fanbase, just because Filoni and Katie Lucas, well...I guess they don't know why they did it either.

1/10

 

Trust me, spicer: the Glove of Darth Vader series of "books" is so bad that no matter what jokey, ignorant cracks we could make about it, the reality is still worse.

 

I enjoyed them when I read them as a teenager, more than a decade ago - and while the reread thread:

http://boards.theforce.net/threads/...-reread-of-the-glove-of-darth-vader.50011595/

reminded me that, enjoyable as they were, they were very silly - it also revived pleasant memories.

 

Stuff I haven't read, but am judging anyway - Dark Empire Sourcebook. Given the glowing recommendations I've had of it over the last 3 years, I'm sure it must be pretty good.

 

I didn't read most of the things because they're not about goats. Gimme GOATS.

 

I recently bought Empire: Betrayal but I haven't read it yet BUT I did flip through the shiny pretty pictures and it gets a 10/10 outta me because Trachta looks dope and is apparently Grand Moff of the GFFA's cybergoth / industrial scene.

I also haven't read Dark Times but there's a ceratops dinosaur dude on some of the covers so those are kickin' rad too and I highly recommend them without reservation.

 

This post in the Aftermath thread

gave me an enlightenment. We all clearly know already too much of the coming novels to judge them subjectively. So here are my thoughts about the adult novels to be released in 2016:

- The first one has far too much of that faction I don't care much about. Unless it's written by one of my favourite SW authors it's just boring.
- The second one has promise but the prose feels clunky, and I have doubts about the main characters. Still better than the first book of the year
- The third one is the best book ever! A hardcover must-buy. Hopefully this is not just hype but I'm really excited. Good use of continuity.
- The fourth one... ugh, how can a book of this premise fail so utterly. I was really looking forward to it at first.
- It's hard to say anything about the fifth one yet but I'm cautiously optimistic. I mean, how can you fail that premise?
- The sixth one may not even exist, so... two and a half stars?

 

I don't read this thread so I can properly assess it. And it is a miserable failure. Sorry CT-867-5309

 

That joke has been made already, did you not rea... Oh. Good job.

 

I've, like, heard they're more consistent than Stover, but Ive only seen the covers of the new ones, and those aren't consistent at all...

 

I have not seen The Last Jedi but I give it 10/10, it is probably the best SW Movie ever made. Full of what we fans like: X-Wings, TIE fighters, X-wings vs TIE fighters, Cantina scenes, minimal lightsabre fighting with no wire-fu, no kind of special effects developed after 1983, no politics or real explanations, just action and winks to the OT every fifteen minute.

 

I heard there's an ice planet with walkers, and the main character has to learn from some old recluse Jedi, and there's a big plot twist, and Benecio del Toro plays Lando.

Also porgs are mynocks and it's really hard to get them off your ship.

 

I'm ready for what I hear is the goriest, most metal Star Wars movie yet! I read that Chewie bites the head off a porg, like Ozzy Osbourne bit the head off a bat!

 

This thread is still great.

Or at least I assume it is; I haven't read most of it.

 

This thread again? Who writes this crap? I don't really know because I haven't read it. I haven't read this forum or wookieepedia enough to make up for not reading the novels, but I want to talk about a few of the things I haven't read that have really been bugging me.

I haven't read Pablo Hidalgo's tweets because I heard twitter is fake news but I know he doesn't understand Star Wars he thinks Han and Leia are bad parents and so does the rest of twitter. Haven't they seen ROTJ where Han offers to stay out of the way and Leia adopts Thrawn McEwok and sends him to tree college? I'm pretty sure the ending of ROTJ was happily ever after for that ewok. Pretty sure that ewok DOES NOT turn to the dark side because Leia was a bad adoptive mother. Have people even seen ROTJ? I haven't but that's what I heard happens and TFA ruins it.

I do know that Claudia Gray has seen ROTJ so she always gets Leia right she doesn't make Leia a Han beater or a bad mother so Claudia Gray rights the best novels. I had to take away a point because did you know Claudia Gray is not her real name? I took away another point because I heard she used to write fan fiction and we all know that's bad writing. I had to take away a third point because I was alive in 1977 and Star Wars was big and I still have magazines with Star Wars in them and Carrie Fisher said Leia was the Ice Princess who didn't have time for love and Claudia Gray changed the backstory and changing things is bad writing 101. Also why does Disney think I'm an immature young adult reader? I'm a mature adult reader and I want novels for mature adults like me.

I have no idea how Chuck Wendig is but I heard he rights like a millennium and uses words like "totes" but what's so bad about "totes" I use "totes" and I think technically I'm a millennium so that he means he's a good author. Would give him 10/10 but I heard homosexuals exist in his books so based on literary criticism only I had to take away 8 points based on that one line where a homosexual exists. So that's a 6/10, still pretty good.

I never read dark disciple because in my headcanon Ventress and Kenobi enter a disco dancing contest on Coruscant and even though they don't win they learn a lot and Ventress becomes a better person, but i heard in dark disciple she falls in love with Quinlon Vos who goes dark side but then he doesn't but then he does again but then he's cool wait I think I read this before so I'm gonna stop now.

Also there's no reason to read half the posts in this forum because half the posts in this forum are double posts and there's no reason to read them because they are the exact same as the post they double.

 

Okay, so, I sat down and didn't read The Last Jedi: Chewie and the Porgs yesterday, and I have to say, it's one of the best kid's books I haven't read in a long time. First of all, it has porgs, which are these cute puffin-puppy things introduced in The Last Jedi (which I have seen, so I won't be looking at it in detail here). Also, it has Chewie, which is presumably Chewbacca, a Wookiee who has featured in several of the Star Wars movies (which, again, I have seen). The cover has porgs following Chewie around, and this is truly representative of what might be the content of the book, where Chewie and his newfound Porg allies travel to Naboo and aid in a delicate negotiation of a tax dispute between the new Queen and a reconstituted Trade Federation. The porgs demonstrate excellent insight into deferrals and depreciable assets, insight which Chewie is able to use to leverage a 3% reduction in the marginal year-over-year rate levied against the Naboo, bringing peace and freedom to the planet once more, while simultaneously allowing the Trade Federation Viceroy to claim a large charitable deduction that gets him into a lower tax bracket. I would have been riveted had I actually read it, and I know your kids will be too, so go out and get The Last Jedi: Chewie and the Porgs today!

 

Alas, if only.

 

this thread is giving me a panic attack