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  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

JCC I'm getting help

Discussion in 'Community' started by Yodahasgreenfeet, Oct 26, 2015.

  1. Arawn_Fenn

    Arawn_Fenn Chosen One star 7

    Registered:
    Jul 2, 2004
    No more Doctor Who conventions for you!
     
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  2. Darth Punk

    Darth Punk JCC Manager star 7 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Nov 25, 2013
    Glib words. I'm actually offended. Fancy locking horns Arsewen?
     
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  3. Yodahasgreenfeet

    Yodahasgreenfeet Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 4, 2012
    I'm worse now. I'm so terrified I'll have herpes now that I'm not sure I'm making myself sick or I do. I won't date a woman for atleast 5-10 more years now in fear of passing something on. I'm terrified now. Even though I didn't do anything to really get a STD, I was fairly safe.

    I'm emotionally unstable right now thinking about killing myself, how I could do it peacefully.. because I don't want to suffer with a STD, worse of all I don't want to suffer being alone for the rest of my life because I ruined my life by getting one and no one will touch me ever again...

    I haven't been tested, I don't have any obvious symptoms. I'm incredibly stressed write now writing a research proposal on an epigenetics study, having to give a presentation in front of people for another assignment, having to design something in my field, exams, so much is happening all at once. Usually I can take it but I do snap some what often too.,..

    I broke down today...

    Just to give an idea. When I was younger, my father would beat me, pull me by my hair , call me a retard... he one day did the same to my brother, took a sodering iron to his hand, told him to touch it... he touched it and ended up with severe burns on his hand, never healed. My father laughed, Retard boy! Why'd you touch it retard! It's hot!

    I remember bits and pieces, I remember being in the garage, seeing him beat my mother mercilessly with a 2 by 4... and then the garage door, I opened the door and witnesses this, he notices me there and he just starts laughing, he thinks it's so funny that I'm seeing this ... so funny...

    Another time he kicked a dog to death and then laughed himself silly about it...

    I'm not a bad person, I'm lonely, deprived of love, affection... I don't KNOW HOW to get it, I don't know how to let any one love me, I don't know how to talk to people... I wasn't born this way, not entirely... I was made to be this way.

    I was vulnerable, desperate I went to this shrink and the bastard tells me to go see a W***E... So I do, because I wanted to relax, get some stress off maybe feel something. It just made me sick inside even if not literally... it just left me even more sad....

    Now I'm struggling with suicidal thoughts... It almost gave me self worth but now I'm back to hating myself, hating what I did... He took some one vulnerable on edge and helped push him off... I'm afraid, so afraid I may have herpes now that some tiems I feel like I'd just be better off dead...

    All I ever wanted in life was to be normal again, have a semi normal social life and find happiness... it didn't feel right, I don't want to do it ever again. Now I have to live with the mistake and if I have herpes... and that means I'll always be alone and never intimate with some one with feelings, love... I might as well just be dead.

    I'm very on edge, unbalanced right now... and if I find out in the future I have herpes, I can't imagine how I won't spend a lot of time thinking about my death, if not going through with it. It's a cruel punishment for some one so innocent and for some one who has been so wronged...
     
  4. anakinfansince1983

    anakinfansince1983 Skywalker Saga/LFL/YJCC Manager star 10 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Mar 4, 2011
    Here you go

    It's good that you're talking about this, but the link I just listed has a toll-free number where you can get more help than we can give you here, and it can link you to help in your local area as well.

    Good luck.
     
  5. DarthTunick

    DarthTunick SFTC VII + Deadpool BOFF star 10 VIP - Game Host

    Registered:
    Nov 26, 2000
    I'd very strongly urge you to call that number that afs1983 linked too; there's always people willing to help, providing much better options that what you're contemplating. It's not the way to go, despite the pain you're in. Life provides, even if it takes some time, a healthy way out of the fog. I'm certain you'll be able to find it.
     
  6. poor yorick

    poor yorick Ex-Mod star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA VIP - Game Host

    Registered:
    Jun 25, 2002
    Thirded the suggestion to call the hotline. If they tell you you should go to a hospital, don't be afraid to go. They are no longer the awful places you see in "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" and "Girl, Interrupted." They're places you can go for a short while so you can get back up on your feet. Also, these places have multiple professionals keeping an eye on one another, so nobody should suggest something harmful to you.

    Don't worry about what your job or professors will think if you go. Just tell them you were in the hospital for a few days. It's absolutely none of their business why.
     
  7. I Are The Internets

    I Are The Internets Shelf of Shame Host star 9 VIP - Game Host

    Registered:
    Nov 20, 2012
    Yodahasgreenfeet, you are not alone. I promise you that you're not. I also battle depression and anxiety, and 2013-June 2015 was my worst experience with it. It gets better though. Take advantage of your support network. We JCCers are part of it obviously, but any of your friends/family that care about you in your life, reach out to them as well.
     
  8. Only-One Cannoli

    Only-One Cannoli Ex-Mod star 7 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Aug 20, 2003
    Call the number asap. Be completely 100% honest with them.
     
  9. Zapdos

    Zapdos Force Ghost star 5

    Registered:
    Jan 7, 2013
    also, try not to overthink the std stuff. get yourself tested and remember that no matter what the result may be, it does not have to mean that you'll have to be alone for the rest of your life. there are precautions and medicines to be taken, of course (if you test positive), but just look at some statistics or something. considering how many people in this world has herpes and how many people in this world still end up in relationships, i wouldn't worry too much about it.
     
  10. I Are The Internets

    I Are The Internets Shelf of Shame Host star 9 VIP - Game Host

    Registered:
    Nov 20, 2012
    I wonder, can you report your current therapist to his board for giving such awful and harmful advice? I don't believe therapists like that should be allowed to work in that profession.
     
  11. Only-One Cannoli

    Only-One Cannoli Ex-Mod star 7 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Aug 20, 2003
    I'm not going to defend the therapist but we don't know the full situation. What may be helpful to one patient may be incredibly harmful to another as well.
     
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  12. Yodahasgreenfeet

    Yodahasgreenfeet Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 4, 2012
    I honesty don't know Sith Lord Gunray. Im still a little too confused. I'll just remain humble and agree that not everything is about me, and maybe it's not my "fault" it just wasn't good advice for me I reacted the way I did. I got so confused today, stressed, when I hit my low I couldn't even remember the way home. I mean, it's not my fault this happened, maybe it's not his fault either. I don't know.

    I told this guy about some of my experiences, the things I've seen. I told him some of it was so bad I can't even remember it, I have blank spots in my memory...
    I told him I wasn't cool with this sexual addiction, temptation that it didn't feel right. He took the approach to assure me it was fine and that everyone sees escorts, not to worry about it. Maybe it does't make me crazy to see a woman like that but it certainly wasn't the best advice for some one who's emotionally unstable.

    I told him I was unstable emotionally, that I had irrational fears, etc. We went over that. Seeing some one like that, I mean paying for a woman's services... is an ... "experience" especially for some one with severe social anxiety, having sex with any one is quite an experience, let alone some one with issues with women, emotional trauma...

    Was his advice risky, given what he knew? Was it too much for the first time he sat down with me? Maybe, maybe not.

    I'll be ok though. I'm alright.
    Zapados comment was comforting, even if I messed up my life doesn't have to be over.
    I contacted the woman I met with and she said she's clean. Whether or not that's true I'll just pretend that it is and it will take a load off my shoulders.

    Thanks everyone. I don't like confining in strangers about these things but I do it sort of often because I dont want my family to know how vulnerable I am and easily I'm set off edge. On the flip side it really hurts me when my family doesn't understand how I struggle with what happened to me in child hood. My mother acknowledges it some times but she doesn't really understand how hard it is to get past those emotional blocks, and memories. It's more like " Get over it" as if that really works.

    I try my best in life and some times I struggle. Over all I'll be alright. I can atleast think clearly again. I shouldn't of been driving I almost got into 5 accidents and at the EZ pass I kept picking the wrong lane haha like I was stoned or drunk....

    My mind was GONE... and that's pretty scary. I wasn't dangerous to others but I couldn't keep my mind straight. My step father had a fight with me using his electric razor to shave and with all the other stresses in my life I just couldn't takeit. I got in the car to go work on my college work, I parked in a parking lot some place... and started breaking down, I had no one to call. I looked through my wallet and found a priests' card and so I called it, thinking maybe I'll turn back to God.

    Thank you all so much for everything. I'm imabalanced and that means I can have stable moments and moments where I'm literally about to off myself or can't even remember where I live...
    Thank you all for being understanding. I'm ok for now. Thank you guys.
     
  13. duende

    duende Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 28, 2006
    if you talk to a professional and not just some guy, you'll be able to unload all this history and stuff and that person will be able to help you sort through it piece by piece. and none of it will get back to your parents. also your dad was probably abused himself when he was young and is acting out the same pattern as a father. does your dad abuse your mom?
     
  14. Yodahasgreenfeet

    Yodahasgreenfeet Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 4, 2012
    This guy was supposed to be a professional. I saw him through the college as it's free to do that. My dad doesn't have a great relationship with his parents, when his mother was dying I remember him yelling in the hospital ONE FOOT in the grave! One foot in the grave! He wasn't but five feet away from her. I remember when my mother's mother passed... he said " I hope she's really dead this time!" "I'm sick of false alarms" then he started laughing...

    What's messed up is that I legally saw him for so many years part time custody or what not... he's a monster. He mayhave a past but he's still a monster. There's a lot of darkness in that man's heart and his mind is dangerous.

    I don't think his father and he got along well, but I have no idea how he got this messed up. I remember passing accidents, mangled cars. :HAHA THEY DESERVED IT!

    But, yeah I grew up with a lot of sick individuals on that side of the family. His mother was basically normal, his sisters some of them were messed in the head too.

    He's human but rarely acts it...He could be worse, could be destroying everything in sight, have no love in his heart, but he never grew up and he's always been a bit selfish, apathetic and just twisted.

    Only a few times do I remember him actually caring about my feelings. When I was younger I dreamed that he was freddy keuger. There's a human being in there some where but you don't always see it. Whatever is there certainly has issues.
     
  15. duende

    duende Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 28, 2006
    ok i didn't realize the guy you saw was supposed to be legit. i would drop him immediately and keep looking. yeah it sounds like your dad suffered a lot of trauma. and i was asking if _your_dad abuses _your_ mom.

    edit: never mind, you already indicated that he does.
     
  16. Yodahasgreenfeet

    Yodahasgreenfeet Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 4, 2012
    Yeah, well maybe... I don't know.My grandfather didn't beat his children or wife or attack his parents on their death bed and laugh at their suffering as far as I know... he also wouldn't get drunk at his son's wedding to hit on the groom's best friend and every other woman present. I doubt his trauma comes close to what he put us through...But, then again, maybe not.

    You never forget walking in an active train tunnel for miles, knowing that any moment a train could come and kill every one in the entire tunnel, a screaming mother being forced to walk through because a father has abducted the children... a big long tunnel, not enough room to even fit under the train, being called whimps if you even thought of stopping, but of course you're only ... 6 years old about and you can't really move so fast...hell, you even need to be carried at times.

    What a role model father, maybe I should seek to understand why he is the way he is... and he's a victim too... But, thank you all and yes I should be open minded and consider why he is the way he is... maybe.. if he really just wasn't born twisted and to be a bit of a jerk.

    But anyways, thanks every one. I'm ok. :) It's been a stressful semester. I'm studying behavioral epigenetic transgenerational transfer. I'm going to be ok. So I'll just leave this thread behind for now. Thank you all.

    Thanks, I'm moving on for now. Thank you all.
     
  17. duende

    duende Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 28, 2006
    good luck. i am almost certain your dad was traumatized, by someone at least. like severely. and he's not going to change unless he wants to and seeks help, so i think it would be best to minimize your contact with him if he is still a threat to you, so that you can go through the healing process. it's going to take a long, long time, but you can do it. and now i have to take a dump.
     
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  18. Sarge

    Sarge Chosen One star 10

    Registered:
    Oct 4, 1998
    Get yourself tested, man. Even if you're not thinking about whether or not you're clean, it will still be in the back of your mind until you know for sure. And even if you get bad news, you'll learn what to do about it, and having a plan for the future gives a sense of hope.

    I'll second the advice to find another professional, and if you feel up to it, report that first guy. He was totally irresponsible with that advice.

    As for your father, I don't see any way you can do anything for him at this point in your life, and he's not doing anything good for you. Put as much distance as you can between you.

    The sooner you can chalk all this up to experience and move forward, the better. Just hang in there and keep your eyes open for the good things. They are out there. They're not always obvious, but you'll find them.