Saga I'm Not Here (Siriwan, Romance, Angst)

I'm Not Here

Summary: On a quiet evening in the Temple, Obi-Wan has an unexpected visitor. A Siriwan romangst set during the Clone Wars.

Genre: Romance/Angst
Rating: PG-13 (mild)
Pairing: Obi-Wan/Siri
Spoilers: ROTS, JA 'Secrets of the Jedi'

Disclaimer: All existing copyrights remain the property of their respective owners and I make no claim to them. This story contains elements created by George Lucas and other authors. They are used for non-profit-making purposes only.

o-o-0-o-o​

Obi-Wan stood in his quarters, watching night fall over the vast cityscape of Coruscant. He had recently returned from a rather unpleasant encounter with the droid army in the Mid Rim. To his disgust, he had ended up in the Halls of Healing, where he had been incarcerated for a week before he had finally been released, but he was almost recovered now and would soon be heading back to the battlefields.

Enjoying a very brief respite from affairs of war, he lingered in quiet contemplation as the setting sun painted the sky with brilliant reds and golds before slipping over the horizon. At last, he released a deep breath and turned away from the sprawling city, picking up a datapad from the low table as he headed across the room. He still had time to finish reading the report of the ambush on Vandos before he retired for the evening.

He had not reached his seat when a chime sounded and he sensed a familiar presence waiting in the hallway. He waved the door open, carefully schooling his features so that his surprise did not show on his face. With conspicuous haste, his unexpected visitor slipped into the room and looked around furtively as the door slid shut.

“Master Tachi,” he said drily, raising an eyebrow at her shifty expression. “How nice of you to drop in. Is there something I can do for you?”

“I'm not here.”

For a moment, they both stood in silence while he stared at her pointedly, as if to say “oh yes, you are”. His interrogative gaze eventually had the desired effect and she confessed.

“Master Windu may be looking for me and I would rather not be found right now.”

“Oh Siri, what have you done?”

“Don't worry, Obi-Wan, it's nothing serious. Just a tiny misunderstanding about a starfighter.”

“A misunderstanding,” he repeated in an even tone, bestowing a sceptical look on his colleague as he waited for her explanation.

“Well, it may have been slightly damaged while I was executing a manoeuvre that I wasn't meant to be executing, in a place that I wasn't meant to be.” She hurried on before he could make any comment. “But I had a very good reason and I'm sure he'll see that, once I've got the starfighter, er...tidied up a bit.”

“So, shouldn't you be doing that now, rather than skulking about in my quarters?”

“Ah no, the maintenance droids have been powered down for the night and reactivating them would draw a little too much attention for my purpose. I'll get it done first thing in the morning and keep out of Master Windu's way until then.”

He sighed and crossed his arms in an exaggerated posture of disapproval, which would be very familiar to his former Padawan. She took his reaction about as seriously as Anakin usually did, giving him an irreverent grin.

“You can't stay here all night,” he told her. “Besides, I'm not sure that I should be harbouring a fugitive from justice in my quarters, especially one who is out of favour with the Master of the Order.”

“I don't need to stay very long, Obi-Wan,” she assured him. “Just until I'm sure Master Windu is not searching for me any more. He'll never look for me here – not with you being such a responsible member of the Council and all.”

In spite of his better judgement, he felt himself giving way to her persuasion. It had been months since he last saw her and a little time in her company would make a welcome change from the endless battles, the tedious Council meetings and, worst of all, the intrusive ministrations of the healers.

“Very well,” he said, gesturing towards the seating area. “You can remain here for a short time, but don't mention this to Mace or I'll never hear the end of it.”

“My lips are sealed,” she promised him, settling into a comfortable chair next to his own customary seat. Obi-Wan placed the datapad back on the table and sat down warily. He could tell he wouldn't be reading any more reports this evening.

There was a short pause while he considered possible topics of conversation, trying to avoid those that could lead to any uncomfortable situations. While he enjoyed the friendly banter that he and Siri had cultivated over the years, he was aware of an uneasy current that accompanied all their interactions. He didn't want to remind them both of matters best forgotten.

He started slightly when she broke the silence.

“I heard you were wounded in the fighting on Beris”

“It was nothing, just the healers fussing as usual.”

“Hmm,” she frowned at him, not believing his casual disclaimer. “My sources tell me that you were almost killed.”

“Well, if this particular 'source' goes by the name of Anakin Skywalker, you'd do well not to take him seriously. He has a tendency to exaggerate.”

“He cares about you, Obi-Wan.”

“He likes to dramatise every minor incident that we get involved in. If you listen to him, you'd think he'd saved my life a dozen times.”

“Hasn't he?” she asked with a knowing glance.

“Not a dozen times, no...”

“Not yet, anyway,” she retorted acerbically.

He gave her a wry look which she returned, undaunted. After a moment, he sighed and his next words were spoken more softly.

“We're at war, Siri. All of us risk our lives every time we go into battle. We have to accept that people we...care about may be injured, or killed.”

“I know that,” she replied quietly, “but it isn't always easy. I'd rather not lose you, Obi-Wan.”

She smiled briefly as if trying to convince him – or perhaps herself – that she was just joking. But he could hear the sincerity in her voice and it disturbed him. This was more than the concern of one colleague for another. If they continued down this road, they would find themselves on perilous ground.

“We can't...” he began without knowing how to finish that sentence.

“I don't want to hear those words any more,” she burst out, startling him with her sudden vehemence. “We've spent too long telling ourselves what we can't do. I know we made a promise years ago, and it was right for us then, but things change. You said it yourself – we're at war, the next battle could be the last one for either of us.”

“No matter what has changed, we are still Jedi. I am a Council member, Siri. If I don't follow the rules, then how can I expect others to do so?”

“I understand what you are saying, Obi-Wan, but right now the rules don't seem as important as they once did.”

“The Code...” he began but she interrupted him, shifting forward in her seat.

“I'm not talking about the Code. I'm talking about us.”

He opened his mouth to respond but she laid her fingers against his lips, effectively silencing him as he froze in surprise. Her other hand came to rest on one of his as she fixed him with a searching look.

“Don't tell me there is no 'us',” she told him fiercely, “because we both know that's not true.”

Her fingers drifted to the side of his face, stroking along his jawline as she knelt on the floor by his chair. He watched her lips move as she spoke again.

“I still love you, Obi-Wan. I always have, even though I tried to forget what had happened between us.” She drew closer to him, and he leaned towards her without conscious volition. “Can you tell me you don't feel the same?”

He had no answer for her. His grasp on reason seemed to have deserted him suddenly, leaving him unable to think clearly. Her proximity was having a most distracting effect on his self-control and he was sure the temperature in the room had risen several degrees.

His eyes never left hers as she slowly closed the gap between them, her hand slipping round to caress the back of his neck. A mysterious compulsion was drawing him in towards her and, without knowing how it had happened, he found his mouth against hers, her lips soft and warm beneath his own.

A long moment later, they pulled apart, a little out of breath. His pulse was racing as if he had been running, while his brain appeared to have slowed almost to a halt. He struggled to remember what he was supposed to be doing, what he had to say to her. The words swam to the front of his mind, and he forced himself to speak them.

“We can't do this, Siri,” he muttered a little huskily.

“Yes, we can. For once in your life, stop thinking about your duty and just do what feels right. It won't be long before we're sent back into battle and we may never see each other again. I don't know what the future holds and neither do you. We have to focus on the here and now, Obi-Wan”

The familiar instruction, so often heard in his youth, caught him off guard and he felt a sudden stab of nostalgia. Unprepared for this new assault on his emotions, his remaining defences crumbled. She was right, he realised, this wasn't about the Code, or about the Jedi Order. This was about the two of them, together. They had denied themselves for too long.

He reached out to her, taking her into his arms as his lips sought hers in sweet surrender. The exquisite pressure of her touch was a revelation, a spark that sent a white-hot flame through his veins, kindling an unfamiliar fire deep within him. Her eyes met his in wordless invitation, a silent acknowledgement of mutual need.

He took her hand and gently led her towards the bedroom. As they reached the doorway, he paused briefly, one last concern pushing through the ferment within his mind.

“If anyone finds out...”

“Don't worry, they won't,” she murmured with a teasing smile. “I'm not here, remember?”

o-o-0-o-o​

The morning light woke him slowly, slipping through the window and stealing across the room to caress his face with ethereal fingers. Usually, he would be out of bed within seconds, instantly alert and ready to face whatever the day might bring. Today was different. His eyes remained shut as he gradually surfaced from a peaceful slumber, dimly aware of an unaccustomed warmth against his side.

The soft sound of breathing floated into his consciousness and a delicate floral scent stirred his senses. Finally, memory returned and his eyes flew open. She was lying beside him, her head tucked into his shoulder and one arm casually flung across his chest. Her hair gleamed gold in the sunlight and he buried his face in the silken strands, inhaling her intoxicating scent more deeply.

She muttered a gentle sigh and the quiet sound seemed to resonate within him, making his heart beat faster and his breath hitch. As he watched, her eyelids fluttered and she shifted slightly, sliding one leg over his. He tensed for a moment, calling on his Jedi discipline to control his reaction to the feel of her skin moving against his. It proved rather more challenging than he had anticipated and he closed his eyes, willing his body to relax. When he opened them again, she was awake and regarding him steadily.

What does one say in these circumstances, he wondered, but no words came to mind. Instead, he contented himself with looking at her, entranced by the soft smile that touched her lips. A tousled lock of hair lay against her cheek and he reached out a hand to brush it back into place. Slowly, they sunk into a close embrace,their mouths meeting in a warm, lingering kiss. When they drew apart, he finally found his voice.

“Good morning.”

She smiled again, her fingers stroking the sensitive area at the nape of his neck, just as they had done the night before. The memory made him shiver with primal delight.

“Good morning,” she whispered and the husky tone in her voice almost shattered his hard earned control. “It was a good night, too,” she added, her eyes sparking mischievously.

He drew in a deep breath, trying to slow down his racing pulse and focus on... well, anything except the way his body was begging to react to her touch.

“If you carry on doing that, we won't be getting out of this bed today,” he warned her in tone that hovered between humour and desire.

“Mmmm, I like the sound of that.”

“So do I,” he admitted hoarsely, “but I'll have to get up soon.”

“I can help you get up,” she promised, her meaning all too clear in her flirtatious expression. Her hands began to wander down to his shoulders and then across his chest. A quiet groan of regret - or possibly of arousal – slipped from his lips.

“Siri, I wish I could stay here with you all day, but I can't.”

“You underestimate yourself, Obi-Wan,” she purred seductively. “I know you've got enough stamina for the whole day...and night.”

He smiled briefly, amused in spite of his acute frustration, but he couldn't let her sweet talk him for much longer. If she knew how close he was to yielding to her persuasions, she'd never give up.

“That goes without saying, my dear, but I have work to do and so do you.”

“Can't it wait a few more hours?” she urged him as her hands slid down further, tracing the smooth planes of his stomach.

With a heroic effort and no small amount of reluctance, he pulled away from her inviting touch and hauled himself out of bed. She made a grab for him, which he adroitly dodged, and looked up at him with a frustrated expression. He leaned down and kissed her gently.

“I'm afraid it can't,” he replied as he stood up again. “I'm due in a Council meeting in thirty minutes. I'd rather not try to explain to the other Council members why I am late.”

Her eyes took on an odd sorrowful look as she responded with an unconvincing smile. “I'm sure you can think of a convincing reason. You are the Negotiator, after all, you have quite a way with words.”

“Oh, I think Master Yoda would see through any excuses I could fabricate. Nothing gets past him, you know. Besides, Anakin's going to be reporting back on the reconnaissance mission he carried out while I was detained by the healers and I shouldn't miss that.”

He turned to retrieve his clothes from the floor where they had been abandoned the previous night. Before he could move away, she reached out and grasped his wrist in a tight grip.

“Please, Obi-Wan, stay with me just a bit longer.”

He sighed regretfully but shook his head, the requirements of duty outweighing the desires of his heart.

“I wish I could, Siri, but you know I can't. We're in the middle of a war and we both have responsibilities that we can't ignore.” He lifted his hand to stroke her cheek gently and gazed down at her softly. “You aren't due to leave for several days. We can meet up again this evening, if you don't have anything planned.”

“That would be nice,” she murmured quietly, but her eyes no longer met his and he could sense her sadness. It grieved him to see her so downcast and he teased her a little to cheer her spirits.

“You'd better get dressed too,” he pointed out. “You have a damaged starfighter to sort out. If you don't have it 'tidied up' before the Council meeting ends, Mace will be after you like an enraged rancor.”

“No, he won't.”

Something in her tone made him look at her more closely. She raised her eyes and his breath caught in his throat when he saw her bleak expression. He stood frozen in sudden dread as she spoke once more, her voice raw with despair.

“I'm not here.”

o-o-0-o-o​

The harsh light of the desert sun penetrated into the small cramped room, rousing him from an unsettled sleep. Slowly, he opened his eyes and looked around him, taking in the rough walls and worn furnishings of his wretched dwelling. Tatooine. He was on Tatooine, and he was alone.

As the last lingering impressions of the dream faded, he blinked the moisture from his eyes and rose from his hard bunk. Another long day lay ahead.


-

 

I was almost expecting the twist when I started reading... and then, of course forgot all about it by the end. Obi-Wan's dreams have much more convincing characterization than mine!

 

i adore the 'next morning' - the slow, soft waking up, him reveling in her warmth and her scent, just her and the little touches that are barely nothing but still so intimate and hints of the night before. Their playfullness/teasing/sleepy-contentedness sets the perfect tone. so many tiny perfect details

 

A nice piece with Obi-Wan having a nice dream. He needed that

 

LOL. There is a physiological reason for this. Awww its only a dream, and here I was hoping they finally 'did' it . Enjoyed your SiriWan.

 

This was so very well written. I was not expecting a twist. And I have to tell you that when you wrote, "No, he won't," and Something in her tone made him look at her more closely, I thought she was going to tell him that Master Windu was never looking for her in the first place and that she made it up so that, well, you know. I was so not expecting it to be a dream. Excellent ending. It's right up there with Planet of the Apes and Soylent Green.

 

Those, also, were the elements that gooified me, which made the final scene that much more "What? Wow!" Now he needs to meet up with her for real and see if dreams match LOL ... Eryndil you write romance as well as humor

 

Very lovely and with such a bittersweet ending. I loved how Siri wore down Obi-Wan’s reluctance that night and the next morning all those little touches as they lay in bed together. It was so heartbreaking that it was just a dream. Wonderful storytelling.

 

I haven't read a siriwan in years. One of my favorite 'ships. <3 Nicely done!

 

Wow, what an unexpected twist, even if the title already hinted that there would be a twist! It makes the sentences

extremely poignant. The twist also ensures that Siri's clinginess is not out of character, and to the contrary understandable given the context. (To be honest, even Siri breaking her promise at this point seemed slightly out of character before reaching the twist, but one could regard it as a necessity in a piece of fan fiction in which Siri and Obi-Wan 'did it' .)

I realise that I may be reading something that you did not imply, but I can even imagine that Siri was able to retain her identity after death, albeit not physically manifest herself or even speak as a disembodied voice (like Qui-Gon), so she could only interact with Obi-Wan through his dream; this would also explain Siri's clinginess. I can also even imagine Obi-Wan having this dream not only on Tatooine, but also during the Clone Wars, after Siri's death, and that a real 'misunderstanding about a starfighter' was caused by Siri's Force spirit moving around the Temple.

Thank you for a moving read!