Before "Improbable biology" starring OCs. One-shot

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Jedi_Perigrine, Sep 30, 2011.

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  1. Jedi_Perigrine Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 22, 2008
    star 4

    Author: ME!
    Timeframe: Many years before the rise of Sidious. More specifically it's undecided and, in this piece, unimportant.
    Summary: A Master and Apprentice pair specializing in Xenobiology are called in to investigate a messy murder.

    I've been away from the boards for quite a while. I still poke in occasionally to see what's going on, but I hadn't considered posting anything. Well, all that changes now. In anticipation of NaNoWriMo, I'll introduce the characters I'm crafting for my piece. I'm always happy for constructive and critical input, and comments of any kind. So without any more blah blah blah from me, here's the story!

    __________________

    ?I appreciate you taking a side trip to help us with our little problem, Master Jedi.? Pahlvis Khol was a human of average height with a slightly stocky build. His round hat had been folded up on one side, hiding part of his dark brown hair and giving him a lop-sided appearance. With a long-bladed machete tucked in a sheath at his waist and the long blaster rifle resting comfortably at his back he looked more like a tour guide than the administrator for the wilderness camp on the forest moon of Klevik IV. Really, he was just a bush guide who found a way to make his hobby into a modest livelihood.

    In spite of the serious reason they were out there, twelve-year old Hsaan T'tlo couldn't keep the smirk out of his expression, or a tinge of sarcasm out of his higher-pitched voice. ?I would hardly call finding two halves of a man stuck in the ground a 'little problem'.?

    Pahlvis spread his arms and shrugged ruefully. ?I didn't consider one death a reason to call in the Jedi. I just contacted Coruscant for a xenobiologist. I'm sure you have more important things to do.?

    Wearing a massive backpack, his hands tucked into the opposite sleeves of his olive green Jedi robes, Rem-Lan Chi looked every inch the Jedi Master. He was a tall Ithorian, standing a good seventy centimeters over Pahlvis Khol and nearly a meter and a half over his apprentice Hsaan. ?We are xenobiologist specialists, Master Khol. We were heading this way, and it was only a few hours detour for us to lend an appendage.? His voice was very deep, and spoken simultaneously out of the Ithorian's twin mouths situated on either side of his neck, giving the two humans' ears the impression that Rem-Lan was speaking in stereo. But as Rem-Lan spoke, his large blue eyes investigated every square inch of the heavily treed woodlands, turning his bulky, trunk-like neck slightly to get better views of the scene of death.

    ?Well, thanks again.?

    Hsaan bent down and ran his fingers through the amazingly rich, loamy soil. All the grasses had been stripped from the surface and shoved to either side of a long trail about three meters wide. The young human opened himself to the Force and let the impressions of the world flow into him. The sights and smells and sounds of the planet were unique?just like every other world he had visited. However, unlike most worlds this one was in balance, truly and completely. Tall trees swayed in the breeze, rattling leaves and carrying the chirps and squawks of birds and insects throughout the forest in a happy song of nature. Small mammals with anywhere from four to thirteen legs slowly, almost lethargically traipsed through the underbrush, foraging for grasses and seeds. Emotion-wise, the only fear came from the human guide. Though that fear was very slight, it was a stark contrast to the lack thereof around him. On every other world, something, somewhere was afraid of being eaten. Apparently not here. That made the brutal murder of a visitor all the more unusual.

    His patience apparently gone, Pahlvis couldn't stay silent any longer. ?So, uh, do you want my impressions of what happened here, or what??

    ?Thank you, no,? Rem-Lan answered. ?It is easier for us to form our own opinions of what happened without our minds clouded with other sentients' impressions.? The Ithorian's large eyes closed for a moment, then opened again. ?Th
  2. earlybird-obi-wan Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 21, 2006
    star 6
    Good to see you here with an intriguing story and nice characters
  3. Thumper09 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 9, 2001
    star 4
    Great one-shot, Peri! I liked seeing Jedi acting in a specialist capacity of something other than having to do primarily with combat. They really felt like what I consider "traditional (Old Republic) Jedi" to be.

    I liked how Rem-Lan teaches Hsaan and allows him to take the lead on the investigation, even allowing him to draw his own conclusions and make his own mistakes to learn. Hsaan's got a good head on his shoulders. I saw his age and his relative height, but I think a little more physical description of Hsaan would be cool too, unless I missed it. [face_peace]

    The tree creature was pretty neat. In a galaxy with so many different alien species I enjoyed reading about one that was more on the plant side than the bipedal mammal side.

    The moon was so calm and balanced it was almost a creepy sensation, heh. (Y'know, in a "quiet... TOO quiet" sort of way.) I'd be curious to read more about it, and I hope we get an opportunity to see more of these characters post-NaNo. :)
  4. Jedi_Perigrine Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 22, 2008
    star 4
    Early-bird: Thanks! I know I haven't posted anything here in forever. It's about time I did so!

    Thumper: Thanks very much! I know there's a lot of war-time Jedi floating around. I understand why...nobody would have ever watched a Star Wars movie with no "wars"! I don't think I made this as interesting as I could have, but I wanted to introduce the characters and see how the public liked 'em.

    I don't think I described Hsaan at all. One human looks like the next, I spose, so why paint the picture? The Ithorian was better looking anyhow. ;) Did I make him too dense, with the tree creature in front of him and he's looking for something else? :D

    You always hear about worlds where this eats that which eats that which eats that. I thought it would be interesting to have a much more shallow food chain. Not that I'm a vegetarian or anything (far from it!) but still.

    Thanks for reading, folks! :)
  5. Valairy Scot Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Sep 16, 2005
    star 5
    I really enjoyed this and love your OCs. Will you do more with them?
  6. Commander-DWH Shiny Costuming & Props Manager

    Manager
    Member Since:
    Nov 3, 2003
    star 4
    What a fantastically fun story! The relationship dynamic between master and apprentice here is great, and the walking tree was an unexpected twist. I'd definitely read more about these characters. Well done! :D =D=
  7. Luna_Nightshade Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jan 25, 2006
    star 5
    Hehehehe--the idea of a tree "planting" its victim just made me grin.

    Your OCs and enjoyable and well-rounded, in a creative scene and environment. Great job!
  8. Ceillean Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Nov 13, 2001
    star 5
    Loved it. :D But so far, I've loved everything you've written. :p

    Looking forward to reading more about these two.

    =D=
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