Discussion in 'Star Wars: Episode VII - No Spoilers Allowed' started by BigAl6ft6, Dec 15, 2012.
Ryan Church just texted me three words: Neumodian Pimp Mobile.
I have finally figured it out as to why George Lucas has sold Star Wars...... it's because he is getting married and his new wife to be didn't want him cluttering up the house with his Star Wars collection!!!
I was at a Golden Corral Buffet, seated at the table next to the one occupied by Harry Knowles and his Spy Entourage. They spoke in guarded whispers, but I made out:
- Luke's animal sidekick will be voiced by Carlos Mencia
- Chewie will finally utter, in English, "Your ship sucks Gundark nuts!"
- Carrie Fisher's costume is inspired by Jane Jetson's
- The nifty catchphrase all the young Jedi use will be 'Endorrific!'
I don't know about about episodes VII-IX but I bet I do know what Disney's going to do to Episodes I-VI!
Direct. To. DVD. Sequels.
Agree. She could possibly become known as the Yoko JarJar Ono of Star Wars.
Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus will star as Male and Female lead. They have already preemptively engaged as to beat the Andrew Garfield/Emma Stone and Kristen Stewart/Robert Pattinson to the dating a co star fad...
Also the opening scroll will be sang by Taylor Swift to the tune of the Star Wars Theme. I heard this on her twitter...
So, my wife used to date Goofy. They're still friends, but it's not a typical creepy ex-boyfriend situation. He's actually pretty cool, he lives in Austin most of the year and he's less Hollywood than Tarantino. Anyway, this morning over brunch, Goofy mentioned to us that he had overheard Mickey on a conference call with Kathleen Kennedy. Between the Mouse's high-pitched squeaks of "Haha! Star Wars!", he got the gist that the new CEO of Star Wars sees Ep. VII as a buddy movie in the vein of Rush Hour. Instead of cops the two protagonists are Jedi, but one of them instead of being a funny comedian will be a talentless Gungan -- possibly Jar Jar's grandson (or -daughter!) -- and the other one instead of being a bad-ass martial artist will be another gormless Gungan -- possibly Captain Tarpal's second cousin, once removed, who's the spit'n'image of Boss Nass except that she's a girl. Anyway, these two frenetic frog-people bumble and stumble their way through an otherwise dark and twisted world of seedy crime, based on the moons of Coruscant, which are Sin City-like worlds populated primarily by Twi'lek hookers and Rodian pimps, garishly lit in stark saturated color. Hijinx ensue as all grow addicted to death sticks and the Gungans, forgetting they're amphibians, die of asphyxiation.
I HAVE READ THE FIRST DRAFT OF STAR WARS 7!!!
I cannot tell you who gave me the script because I honestly don't know. It just appeared in my letterbox today. It had no postmark or return address though the paper does smell of fresh lavender.
It begins as you'd expect, with "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away..." but we don't go straight into the opening crawl. No, the movie starts with a flashback to the Clone Wars where a young Jedi, recently knighted, is on a secret mission to assassinate Nute Gunray. This Jedi is a girl, maybe seventeen, but she's highly trained. She takes out Gunray's droid bodyguards with ease as she sneaks through a Separatist ship...she comes upon her target but doesn't go for the kill. She sees Gunray with his wife and children. She hesitates. She's spotted and we catch our first glimpse of her - it's ASHOKA TANO!!!
Having failed her mission, she tries desperately to get to an escape pod and get away, fighting through wave after wave of droids. She reaches the escape pod and launches but the Separatist ship manages to fire a successful blaster shot, sending the pods spinning out of control. The pod immediately activates its emergency cryo-sleep, freezing Ashoka...
"A vast sea of stars accompany the OPENING TITLES as they roll back into infinity...."
STAR WARS: Episode VII - THE BOTHAN CONSPIRACY
Pan down....it's 50 years later. Ashoka's escape pod has been found by a salvage crew and she's been thawed out and awoken. She hasn't aged a day but she has no memory of her past life. It turns out that when she failed to complete her mission, the Jedi Order assumed she had betrayed them and had planned to find her and bring her back to Coruscant for justice, only for Palpatine to take over and wipe out the Jedi. Ashoka has no knowledge of Anakin becoming Darth Vader but Luke does. Assuming that Ashoka is the last of the Emperor's Sith agents, Luke uses the Bothan Spy Network to hunt down Ashoka and we join her on a galaxy-spanning journey as she seeks to escape the authorities and recover her past.
Also on the Sin City-like moons of Coruscant: Hammerhead hookers and glowy-eyed werewolf death-stick junkies. Think early 70s Ralph Bakshi meets the Mos Eisley Cantina.
The Wizard of Oz sent me a text and told me each episode will be divided into three parts.
This just in. Aurthur Rankin, Jr. and Jules bass are teaming up again. They are set to do the ST all in stop motion and as holiday specials. I know this because I have a friend who is a film professor who knows both Rankin and Bass.
NEWS FLASH!!! The soundtrack from the 80'S Flash Gordon movie is being rerecorded and will now feature the following lyrics....
Luke AAAAHHH saviour of the universe!
Luke AAAAHHH He'll save everyone of us!
Seemingly there is no reason for these
extraordinary planetary blockades!
What's happening Luke?
Only former Jedi Master Yoda previously of Dagobah
has provided any explanation!
Luke AAAAAHHH He's a Jedi!
This morning's unprecedented attack on
Coruscant is no cause for alarm!
Luke AAAAHHH Master of the impossible!
He's for everyone of us!
Stand for every one of us!
He'll save with a wave of his hand
every man, every woman every child
with a mighty flash (from his lightsabre)
General Grevious...Luke Skywalker approaching!
What do you mean... Luke Skywalker approaching?
Open fire... All weapons!
Despatch the fighters to bring back his body!
The Emporer's alive!!!
Luke AAAHHH He'll save everyone of us!
Just a man with a Jedi's courage!
He knew nothing about his family
but he never failed!
No one but the pure of heart
may become a Jedi!
Oh oh oh oh
Luke I love you!
I know, but you are my sister and we only have fourteen hours till Han gets home!
As you can see the new lyrics give away some big spoilers as to who and what the new movie will involve!!!
As for who is going to be rerecording this new version, I have it on good authority that Britney Spears has been approached!
I was at a bus stop outside Skywalker ranch & there was a guy there who swears he works as George Lucas's taste tester .....well he saw the draft for EP7 & it's 90min long & takes place directly where EP6 leaves off - the whole movie takes place in the Ewok village....it's dancing & singing with the Ewoks & has an epic conclusion when Jar Jar & a whole lot of Gungans join the celebrations.....Luke & Jar Jar dance the Ganman Style !!! I kid you not ....Episode VII : A celebration continued
Do they continue with the yub nub song or the song or the song for the 97 special edition?
The kid shining my shoes today said he had "all the goods" and he'd deliver if I greased his palm with two bits. So, I says, "Spill it, kid," I says. Inside his shine box, he had the script for Episode 7. It's ghost written by Elmore Leonard and is titled "Star Wars - Episode 7: Dead Gungans Tell No Tales."
I'm friends with the person who videotaped the Star Wars kids. In Ep. vii, Darth Maul resurrects from the dead and fights the Star Wars kid on Mustafar. It is directed by the person who recorded the Star Wars kid and will be filmed over actual lava with no safety precautions.
A trusted source inside Disney has revealed that they are planning to bring Star Wars into the Disney family by using elements of Disney's most successful live action franchise - Pirates of the Caribbean.
STAR WARS: Episode VII - PIRATES OF THE OUTER RIM will introduce Captain Jack Gundark (Depp is attached to star) as he manipulates and manoeuvres his way between the Republic and the Hutts, playing both sides as he seeks a great treasure - the Kaiburr Crystal, a gem with the power to grant wishes. Geoffrey Rush is set to play Barbossa The Hutt while Mark Hamill will return as Luke Skywalker, the man charged by the Republic to hunt Captain Jack down. But Luke's friends are also Jack's friends and loyalties are tested when Jack turns to old comrades, Lando Calrissian and Han Solo for help.
In a surprising twist, Disney announced today that no men would appear onscreen at all in Episode VII. "It'll be like The Women, only in space," said one highly placed Disney executive.
Take this for what it's worth, but I totally know a guy who knows a sandwich artist at the Subway accross the street from George Lucas' Brazilian waxing spa...
Apparently, to recoup the costs of purchasing Lucasfilm, Disney is going to film the whole movie on a single shaky camcorder, and it will be shot entirely in Rick McCallum's basement.
I'm not sure about this one, but the main villain is supposedly a ten gallon hat and silk shirt wearing Sith called Darth Brooks. I'm not sure how I feel about that tidbit.
Lando will be the main character, which is totally awesome. According to my source, he will be running a brothel in the outer rim called "All Chix, No Stix". His sidekick who is rumoured to be Howard the Duck (apparently, George still belives in the character).
Again, take it with a grain of salt.
Han Solo will use the term "Butthurt" repeatedly in Ep VII.
Okay, bear with me on this one because the source is confirmed as deep inside Lucasfilm. As in, he lives underneath a bridge on Skywalker ranch. Anyway, ever seen the Star Trek: The Original Series final episode "Turnabout Intruder"? Well, Kathryn Bigalow is a big, BIG fan of that episode and is also carrying out a "Prestige"-like years-long competition / vendetta of screw-jobs and one-upmanship with George Lucas over the years. So she's going to swap brains with George and then, after that,and once her evil plan is complete: "Zero Dark Episode 7". There will be Gungan waterboarding. Lots of it. John McCain is already writing up a protest.
Breaking News! In documents just released by the US Department of Defense, it was revealed that Reagan's STAR WARS missile defense program was actually a cover for a Reagan-scripted Star Wars movie. This script will form the basis of the new trilogy!
Man your good well spoted....they actually remix the song so it's a mixture of both .
Just woke up next to Kathleen Kennedy. She gently sighed, smiled and whispered, "Leia's gonna have a pink lightsaber," before rolling over and snoring loudly.
No, no, no. All of you are dead wrong. My second-cousin-twice-removed knows Mellody Hobson's hairdresser.
The movies will be based on the Young Jedi Knights books by Kevin J Anderson and Rebecca Moesta. Episode 7 will be called 'Heirs of the Force' and will have elements of the Shadow Academy storyline. Episode 8 will have elements of the Diversity Alliance storyline, and Episode 9 will have elements of the Black Sun storyline. In order to fit the material in, the movies will each be about 4 hours long.