Saga INNOCENT PROVEN GUILTY--Purges challenge

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by DarthIshtar, Aug 4, 2004.

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  1. DarthIshtar Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    The Jedi were the enemy.

    Maura didn't really know what an enemy was supposed to do or why the Jedi were called that, but Mami and Pai said it often enough that she knew it to be truth. The Jedi had hurt them a lot and if she knew about a Jedi, she had to tell someone so the Jedi couldn't hurt anyone else.

    In her Fives class, they'd learned earlier what to do if a stranger tried to talk to you. Strangers could be mean people who wanted to take you away from Mami and Pai, who wanted to do mean things to you. You were supposed to yell NO! really loud and run away to find a grown-up.

    So far, she hadn't ever had to do that, since she was at Fives all day, then Mami liked to take her out with her on her "to-dos." Sometimes, they were boring, like when she had to go to the bank or talk to Great-Aunt Raia. Sometimes, they were very exciting, like when Mami had to have her hair done and Itzel at the front desk would do Maura's hair in braids with red ribbons to match her school uniform.

    But no to-do was so exciting that it was better than a trip to Blumfruit's.

    Mami and Pai often had to take her to fancy places to eat, where she had to be on her best behavior and remember to keep her napkin on her lap and not slurp her soup. Pai was one of the Governor's counselors, so they made her be on her best behavior a lot.

    But at Blumfruit's, everyone cared that she was a good girl whether she slurped her soup or not.

    Her favorite was Liset, the lady that looked as though her hair had come out of the story of the farmer's daughter weaving gold from straw. She was always ready with a fizzy kikuju, Maura's favorite, and a joke.

    Liset always wore a mint-green dress and big earrings so that she made music whenever she moved. She always wore the same necklace, with a shiny rainbow stone in the middle. She hadn't been there very long, only since the winter, and whenever someone asked her where she was from, she'd wink and say "The Far, Far Away Sector." And if they asked her how long she'd been here on Chandrila, she'd sigh and say, "Not long enough yet. I intend to stay for a long while, if you'll let me." The older ones would laugh and say she could stay as long as she wanted if she still brought such good mavi pie.

    Maura could only go to Blumfruit's if she were a good girl that day, so today, she sat very quietly as Mami's to-dos passed. She didn't run around and play with the dresses in the store, she didn't ask for a sweet from the grumpy man at the bank, and she was very helpful when they went to the grocery store.

    Mami had thanked her for being her good girl and Maura had hoped, then noticed Mami's hands were turning the steering yoke towards the left instead of right to get home.

    "Oh, no!" Mami exclaimed. "When you're a good girl, the Blumfruit magnet turns on and it won't go away."

    Maura giggled, drawing her knees up to her chest. "The blumfruit magnet has kikuju sauce all over it," she reminded.

    "Of course, and fudge on top," Mami lamented. "Oh, this is terrible. We'll have to go and ask them to turn it off."

    And they did so, walking very bossily into Blumfruit's and demanding to know if Liset would fix the problem.

    "Only if you tell me," she said very seriously, "what you call a bantha that gets whatever it wants."

    "Spoiled milk," Mami laughed.

    "Right you are," Liset crowed. "For my very smart friends, then I'll have to see if this problem can be solved."

    She returned with two fizzy kikujus and a very sad expression. "I'm sorry," she said, doing that noise Mami always made when something didn't go her way or she found a big red stain on her new dress, "but it's a very serious problem. It will take a fizzy kikuju, two grilled mada sandwiches, and..."

    She shivered, like she was very cold or very scared, maybe both. "Two scoops of chocolate ice with tchak-nuts, fudge, and a blumfruit on top."

    Mami made a scared noise, but made her back straight as a measurerstick. "Is that all that's to be done?"

    "I'm afraid so," Liset agreed.

    "Then, it'll have to be
  2. Arin_Atona Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 10, 2004
    star 4
    Ouch. Beautiful, but sad.
  3. JediNemesis Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Mar 27, 2003
    star 4
    :_|

    That was very sad. :( Maura was very real, in fact all the OCs were. Very good writing. :)
  4. Lilith Demodae Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 1, 1999
    star 4
    You were right, very sad. I love the child's prespective and her innocent view of the world. You kept it so simple, and yet detail rich. I loved it.
  5. isola Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Jun 16, 2004
    star 1
    Oh! Sniffles. That was gorgeous and so bad! Poor Liset - doomed by her friend and her need for friends. And Mami was so nice to her daughter and so mean to Liset. I think this is my favorite purge challenge so far.
  6. Gina Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 3, 2003
    star 4
    Oh, this was so sad. You really brought the characters to life. I could really feel Liset's pain at being alone and having to keep such a secret and Maura's pain and her confusion - knowing the beautiful person her friend truly was versus the monster those around her assumed her friend to be.
  7. DarthIshtar Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    Arin_Atona--Ouch indeed.
    JediNemesis--It helped that Liset was a twist of another story I did, called Though Deepening Trials. In that story, eleven Jedi are taken in by the people of Chandrila, given new identities and a new lifestyle. Liset is the codename for Ana Llyr, who is one of my favorite OCs and strongly resembles the Jedi who goes "HIYA!" when striking down at her foe in AOTC. Yrin is her husband, Ara is the Padawan who was one of the first to be killed in the Purges.
    Lilith Demodae--I was constantly saying "This is getting ridiculous. I don't know if I'm writing a five-year-old right!" I tried to capture the innocence. The title applied to both Maura and Liset. Maura was innocent of betrayal, but proven guilty of delivering her friend into enemy hands because she wanted to help. And Liset, the innocent one who had done nothing wrong, was murdered for being guilty of the Force.
    isola--Thanks so much! The contrast of Mami is supposed to be that she treated all people as basically good until she was told not to by her loyalties. She never would have suspected Liset.
    Gina--That's the killer, isn't it, the perception vs. reality thing.
  8. Layren Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 28, 2003
    star 5
    Awwww that was so sad! The little girl didn't mean to betray her friend -- very well done! You did a wonderful job writing the children :)


  9. DarthIshtar Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
  10. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    That was beautifully written Ish. You had such a good handle on the child you've now left me in tears.
  11. Mjsullivan Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Dec 8, 2003
    star 3
    It was Liset's necklace, a gift from Ara and Yrin to Liset's last best friend.

    Oh my goodness... :_|

    Well done, DarthIshtar - officially the first one of the challenge responses to make me cry! I connected so well with your OC's.

    Well done! :D
  12. DarthIshtar Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    Thanks. I had such a hard time with the child perspective taht I really appreciate hearing taht.
  13. trfcrugby Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Jul 12, 2004
    star 1
    Intersting angle, from teh child's perspective. I enjoyed this one. All of the purge stories are so different, it's great reading.
  14. Kynstar Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 2, 2004
    star 5
    Oh that was sooo sad! Poor kid... kids always get caught in the middle of things regardless whether it's propaganda/politics/arguments they are the ones that end up suffering.

    Great work!!
  15. DarthIshtar Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
  16. Laura_Anu Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 27, 2002
    star 4
    Oh, poor Maura! The poor kid!! and poor Liset!!!

    I don't think I'll be able to read very many Purges fics because they're so sad, so I think I'll stop here while I'm feeling good and sorry for Maura and Liset. :D
  17. Fate Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 22, 2003
    star 3
    *sniffs* Oh, Ish... :(

    *gropes for the right words*

    That this little girl should be responsible for this... I don't know who I hate more, her parents for being so willfully ignorant and hateful, Liset for being stupid enough to reveal herself, even to a child she loved, or you for making me cry. :(

    But strangely enough, I don't hate the little girl - she didn't know any better, and she trusted that her parents would do the right thing. :mad:

    This is precisely why the Jedi weren't to form attachments - stuff like that gets in the way of your common sense. [face_plain]

    Anyway, beautifully written, even if it has upset me. *fairly itches to return the favor* [face_devil]



    For freedom. For justice. Viva la Rebellion.

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