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Saga INNOCENT PROVEN GUILTY--Purges challenge

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by DarthIshtar, Aug 4, 2004.

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  1. DarthIshtar

    DarthIshtar Jedi Grand Master star 9

    Mar 26, 2001
    The Jedi were the enemy.

    Maura didn't really know what an enemy was supposed to do or why the Jedi were called that, but Mami and Pai said it often enough that she knew it to be truth. The Jedi had hurt them a lot and if she knew about a Jedi, she had to tell someone so the Jedi couldn't hurt anyone else.

    In her Fives class, they'd learned earlier what to do if a stranger tried to talk to you. Strangers could be mean people who wanted to take you away from Mami and Pai, who wanted to do mean things to you. You were supposed to yell NO! really loud and run away to find a grown-up.

    So far, she hadn't ever had to do that, since she was at Fives all day, then Mami liked to take her out with her on her "to-dos." Sometimes, they were boring, like when she had to go to the bank or talk to Great-Aunt Raia. Sometimes, they were very exciting, like when Mami had to have her hair done and Itzel at the front desk would do Maura's hair in braids with red ribbons to match her school uniform.

    But no to-do was so exciting that it was better than a trip to Blumfruit's.

    Mami and Pai often had to take her to fancy places to eat, where she had to be on her best behavior and remember to keep her napkin on her lap and not slurp her soup. Pai was one of the Governor's counselors, so they made her be on her best behavior a lot.

    But at Blumfruit's, everyone cared that she was a good girl whether she slurped her soup or not.

    Her favorite was Liset, the lady that looked as though her hair had come out of the story of the farmer's daughter weaving gold from straw. She was always ready with a fizzy kikuju, Maura's favorite, and a joke.

    Liset always wore a mint-green dress and big earrings so that she made music whenever she moved. She always wore the same necklace, with a shiny rainbow stone in the middle. She hadn't been there very long, only since the winter, and whenever someone asked her where she was from, she'd wink and say "The Far, Far Away Sector." And if they asked her how long she'd been here on Chandrila, she'd sigh and say, "Not long enough yet. I intend to stay for a long while, if you'll let me." The older ones would laugh and say she could stay as long as she wanted if she still brought such good mavi pie.

    Maura could only go to Blumfruit's if she were a good girl that day, so today, she sat very quietly as Mami's to-dos passed. She didn't run around and play with the dresses in the store, she didn't ask for a sweet from the grumpy man at the bank, and she was very helpful when they went to the grocery store.

    Mami had thanked her for being her good girl and Maura had hoped, then noticed Mami's hands were turning the steering yoke towards the left instead of right to get home.

    "Oh, no!" Mami exclaimed. "When you're a good girl, the Blumfruit magnet turns on and it won't go away."

    Maura giggled, drawing her knees up to her chest. "The blumfruit magnet has kikuju sauce all over it," she reminded.

    "Of course, and fudge on top," Mami lamented. "Oh, this is terrible. We'll have to go and ask them to turn it off."

    And they did so, walking very bossily into Blumfruit's and demanding to know if Liset would fix the problem.

    "Only if you tell me," she said very seriously, "what you call a bantha that gets whatever it wants."

    "Spoiled milk," Mami laughed.

    "Right you are," Liset crowed. "For my very smart friends, then I'll have to see if this problem can be solved."

    She returned with two fizzy kikujus and a very sad expression. "I'm sorry," she said, doing that noise Mami always made when something didn't go her way or she found a big red stain on her new dress, "but it's a very serious problem. It will take a fizzy kikuju, two grilled mada sandwiches, and..."

    She shivered, like she was very cold or very scared, maybe both. "Two scoops of chocolate ice with tchak-nuts, fudge, and a blumfruit on top."

    Mami made a scared noise, but made her back straight as a measurerstick. "Is that all that's to be done?"

    "I'm afraid so," Liset agreed.

    "Then, it'll have to be
  2. Arin_Atona

    Arin_Atona Jedi Master star 4

    Jul 10, 2004
    Ouch. Beautiful, but sad.
  3. JediNemesis

    JediNemesis Jedi Padawan star 4

    Mar 27, 2003

    That was very sad. :( Maura was very real, in fact all the OCs were. Very good writing. :)
  4. Lilith Demodae

    Lilith Demodae Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Oct 1, 1999
    You were right, very sad. I love the child's prespective and her innocent view of the world. You kept it so simple, and yet detail rich. I loved it.
  5. isola

    isola Jedi Youngling star 1

    Jun 16, 2004
    Oh! Sniffles. That was gorgeous and so bad! Poor Liset - doomed by her friend and her need for friends. And Mami was so nice to her daughter and so mean to Liset. I think this is my favorite purge challenge so far.
  6. Gina

    Gina Jedi Master star 4

    Jun 3, 2003
    Oh, this was so sad. You really brought the characters to life. I could really feel Liset's pain at being alone and having to keep such a secret and Maura's pain and her confusion - knowing the beautiful person her friend truly was versus the monster those around her assumed her friend to be.
  7. DarthIshtar

    DarthIshtar Jedi Grand Master star 9

    Mar 26, 2001
    Arin_Atona--Ouch indeed.
    JediNemesis--It helped that Liset was a twist of another story I did, called Though Deepening Trials. In that story, eleven Jedi are taken in by the people of Chandrila, given new identities and a new lifestyle. Liset is the codename for Ana Llyr, who is one of my favorite OCs and strongly resembles the Jedi who goes "HIYA!" when striking down at her foe in AOTC. Yrin is her husband, Ara is the Padawan who was one of the first to be killed in the Purges.
    Lilith Demodae--I was constantly saying "This is getting ridiculous. I don't know if I'm writing a five-year-old right!" I tried to capture the innocence. The title applied to both Maura and Liset. Maura was innocent of betrayal, but proven guilty of delivering her friend into enemy hands because she wanted to help. And Liset, the innocent one who had done nothing wrong, was murdered for being guilty of the Force.
    isola--Thanks so much! The contrast of Mami is supposed to be that she treated all people as basically good until she was told not to by her loyalties. She never would have suspected Liset.
    Gina--That's the killer, isn't it, the perception vs. reality thing.
  8. Layren

    Layren Jedi Master star 5

    Oct 28, 2003
    Awwww that was so sad! The little girl didn't mean to betray her friend -- very well done! You did a wonderful job writing the children :)

  9. DarthIshtar

    DarthIshtar Jedi Grand Master star 9

    Mar 26, 2001
    Thanks, Layren!
  10. Healer_Leona

    Healer_Leona Squirrely Community Mod star 9 Staff Member Manager

    Jul 7, 2000
    That was beautifully written Ish. You had such a good handle on the child you've now left me in tears.
  11. Mjsullivan

    Mjsullivan Jedi Youngling star 3

    Dec 8, 2003
    It was Liset's necklace, a gift from Ara and Yrin to Liset's last best friend.

    Oh my goodness... :_|

    Well done, DarthIshtar - officially the first one of the challenge responses to make me cry! I connected so well with your OC's.

    Well done! :D
  12. DarthIshtar

    DarthIshtar Jedi Grand Master star 9

    Mar 26, 2001
    Thanks. I had such a hard time with the child perspective taht I really appreciate hearing taht.
  13. trfcrugby

    trfcrugby Jedi Youngling star 1

    Jul 12, 2004
    Intersting angle, from teh child's perspective. I enjoyed this one. All of the purge stories are so different, it's great reading.
  14. Kynstar

    Kynstar Jedi Knight star 5

    Mar 2, 2004
    Oh that was sooo sad! Poor kid... kids always get caught in the middle of things regardless whether it's propaganda/politics/arguments they are the ones that end up suffering.

    Great work!!
  15. DarthIshtar

    DarthIshtar Jedi Grand Master star 9

    Mar 26, 2001
  16. Laura_Anu

    Laura_Anu Jedi Padawan star 4

    Jun 27, 2002
    Oh, poor Maura! The poor kid!! and poor Liset!!!

    I don't think I'll be able to read very many Purges fics because they're so sad, so I think I'll stop here while I'm feeling good and sorry for Maura and Liset. :D
  17. Fate

    Fate Jedi Master star 3

    Apr 22, 2003
    *sniffs* Oh, Ish... :(

    *gropes for the right words*

    That this little girl should be responsible for this... I don't know who I hate more, her parents for being so willfully ignorant and hateful, Liset for being stupid enough to reveal herself, even to a child she loved, or you for making me cry. :(

    But strangely enough, I don't hate the little girl - she didn't know any better, and she trusted that her parents would do the right thing. :mad:

    This is precisely why the Jedi weren't to form attachments - stuff like that gets in the way of your common sense. [face_plain]

    Anyway, beautifully written, even if it has upset me. *fairly itches to return the favor* [face_devil]

    [hl=pink]For freedom. For justice. Viva la Rebellion.[/hl]

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