Instructions For What To Do And How To Protect Yourself In The Case Of A JC Crash

All members of Internet Star Wars messageboard "The Jedi Council" are advised to carefully read the following instructions.


An immediate and sudden crash will cause:

THE MAIN ALARM

You will recognize the main alarm by its nineteen short beeps, and twenty-eight long beeps. We advise you to dispose of any ear plugs, hearing aids, or ear wax as soon as you hear the alarm. You will need your ears for the time being.

Before we tell you how to act after the main alarm, we remind you of the fact you are still sitting behind your computer. To shield yourself from the devastating sight of a JC-less screen, this simple yet staggering measure may help:

• pull a ski cap over your face

How to act after the main alarm

Do not move away from your computer. It is your life-supporting system, so stay in its vicinity at all times. If you are sitting near a window or a similar opening in your wall, try and contact people outside by signaling to them with your arms and your hands. Before you do that, make sure the people you are waving to do not know who you are.


If a male or female responds to your signaling:

1. Inform them of the situation and your dire need to talk about your toes or the brand of shampoo you use, or any subject you usually deem interesting enough to start threads about. If the male or female in any way responds to what comes out of your mouth, try to keep his or her attention as long as possible. Remember that no social skills will be expected of you. Use unjustifiable threats if necessary



2. Keep looking the person in the eye

If no male or female responds to your signaling:

1. Sometimes, dogs will listen

If you are traveling in a car, bus or train and are using a laptop, the same procedures apply.

However, the situation may be such that there are no windows or similar openings near your computer, or no male or female creatures walk the streets in your neighbourhood. In that case, obtain a phone or phone-like machine. You can use the phone by dialing random numbers. Remember that it does not matter who you are talking to or who listens, as long as what you say will have some sort of platform. When there are no communication methods available:

• A mirror may prove useful

WHAT SYMPTOMS WILL I HAVE?

If the crash lasts for a period long enough to stop the above measures from having effect, or none of the given situations apply at all, it is likely you will start having certain symptoms. Do not be alarmed by them. Two symptoms that may occur are:

1. Loss of reasons to live



2. Feelings of nausea

Solutions:

In the case of 1, a re-evaluation of your life may be the most logical option.

In the case of 2, you may wish to fetch a bucket. You will feel that, after having disposed your phlegm into the said bucket, the urge to start a new thread will diminish significantly for some time.

You may also briefly suffer from what is commonly referred to as the "24/7 Isolation Cell Symptom". This means you will feel as if you suddenly realize the world doesn't expand outside the four walls of your room. This feeling automatically vanishes somewhat when the JC returns.

Even if these symptoms disappear naturally again, it is wise to consult a doctor or psychiatrist afterwards.


WHAT OTHER EFFECTS WILL THERE BE?

In the case of a permanent crash:

• four horsemen may appear

Do not look them in the eye, and do not try to be friendly to them or their blood-red horses. Ignore them until they approach you.
Also, it is possible that several million grasshoppers will rush past your window. This may take one or two hours. Therefore, you are advised to keep your doors and windows shut. If you have no access to either of those, it is best to:

• remain in your basement

PRACTICE

We suggest you practice this emergency drill at least once per three months. Talk

 

What do we do when we have to go to the toilet?


Edit: Better yet, what do we do if a Jehovah's Witness comes to our door disguised as grasshoppers? Should we shoot them?

 

Can I just hide under my bed and shake uncontrollably? ?

 

I already have my plan set up.

I get really boozed up, then start yelling at things.

After awhile, I'll forget about the JC, and remember I have a life.

Of course, when I remember I have a life, I'll probally be even more miserable. So either way, I can't win

 

C'mon ST, we all know you don't have a life.

Who you tryin to fool?

 

Oh ya, like you do

 

Hey, we weren't talking about me!

 

Umm... thanks for the advice...



We love you Debo!

 

Further proof that Debo should rule the JC!


*bows*

 

Can we loot the JC if it crashes?

 

Who's gonna sell the pieces for the scrap value?

 

I think the "mods with nothing left to mod" should.

 

*waits for someone to post "Hey I tried those procedures, they work!"*

 

LOL!!!!!!! That's awesome Debo!!!

I'll have to remember this...because last time I was unable to get on, I passed out and when I woke up I was under the Bay City Bridge wearing a loin cloth and I was clutching my lightsaber...



God bless!

<3-Moose

 

Hey I tried those procedures, they work!

 

LOL Aragorn!!!

 

LOL

 

I always throught that the human brain can't handle the shock of a crash, or being banned, but I have heard that there are super-natural beings called "trolls" who have the ablity to come back to life from said death.

 

Trolls have clubs to whack JCers over the head with.

 

[image=http://www.scd.ucar.edu/news/02/fotoweek/0411.switch.jpg]

lalalala

[image=http://www.homeatfirst.com/IMAGES/Troll.jpg]

The Troll!

[image=http://www.theforce.net/swtc/Pix/given/rb/ds22.gif]

The Plot!

[image=http://www.stardestroyer.net/Empire/Tech/Beam/DeathStar9.jpg]

The Blast

[image=http://www.nativeimagesgallery.com/images/The%20Four%20Horseman%20of%20the%20Apocalypse.jpg]

[image=http://www.attra.org/images/grasshopper.gif]

[image=http://www.attra.org/images/grasshopper.gif]

[image=http://www.attra.org/images/grasshopper.gif]

The Result

 

ur troll shush now u silly.

 

"If you are sitting near a window or a similar opening in your wall, try and contact people outside by signaling to them with your arms and your hands. Before you do that, make sure the people you are waving to do not know who you are."

I live on the 8th floor. Generally speaking, there are no people outside my window. Is there some sort of alternate procedure for people in my situation?

Amazing.

 

Birds?

 

ooh, I know, Amazing:

Throw your PC out the window and by the time you get a new one the JC should be working again

Emp_Palpartine

 

Exits are located in the top right hand corner of your screen, and on the Alt and F4 keys on your keyboard. In the event of a crash, please proceed to the nearest spin-off board in an orderly fashion. Should there be none available, exit the JC as directed and get a life. Do not attempt to access the StarWars.com messages board under any circumstances.