Saga ~~INTENTIONS of INNOCENCE~~ an AOTC-era Ani/padme darkish romanceish fic

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by darththunderbird, Jan 22, 2004.

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  1. darththunderbird Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2003
    star 4
    summary- alternating POVs, a little darker than the cutesy innocent romance...but not evil...yet

    characters-padme and anakin

    rating-borderline PG-PG-13, may slide into PG-13 as it continues..

    disclaimer-all starwars characters are owned by the flanneled on, theres no point in suing me, georgie dear, im broke...these fanfics are all i got *sniff*

    OK HERES THE FIRST POSTIE...IF ENOUGH PPL LIKE IT AND RESPOND, ILL POST THE NEXT INSTALLMENT

    ~Padme~
    His gaze bores into me, piercing my façade, drawing me into his smoldering, sultry grin, losing me in his deep, sapphire eyes.
    "Please don?t look at me like that"

    ~Anakin~
    I stand up, showing her that I am not "the little boy [she] met on Tatooine"
    I look into her soul, deep into her eyes; they flicker with fiery amber, a response to my not so innocent thoughts.
    "Please don?t look at me like that"
    She decides to ignore her instinctive impulses, and keeps her ever-waning senatorial countenance. I will break that wall, brick by stubborn brick. I won?t rest until she is mine.
    "Why not?"
    "It makes me feel uncomfortable"
    //soon you will learn to not be unsettled, soon you will submit, soon you will be mine, Padme, mine. //

    ~Padme~
    "Sorry milady"
    Oh, he?s anything but sorry. I saw the carnal intent behind his feigned apologetic expression. He is like a starved man before a buffet; his ravenous longing gaze takes in all it can with hopes of more. In his state of lustful infatuation, he broadcasts his slightly vulgar thoughts so clearly that even I, an un-forcesensetive senator can read them. //Anakin, you are not and innocent boy anymore. //
  2. Vivid_Scripts Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 21, 2004
    star 4
    very interesting. You use a nice, wide range of fluctuating words and vocabulary to describe the scene and set the tone well. The Rotating point of view does strike me as a bit... ADHD-ish (i'd prefer if you kept one POV for one chapter, then switch for the next rather than switch between every few lines of dialogue) but you've still do a nice job. keep it up
  3. darththunderbird Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2003
    star 4
    ya for the next few posts i will lessen the POV changes...im trying to show each characters take on key scenes/lines (key in my opinion) but soon each POV will be longer, so i will probably only have one change per chapter, to show what each character is thinking. thanks for the vocab praise!
  4. Jazz_Skywalker Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 3, 2002
    star 4
    Very interesting beginning!

    JS
  5. Lieutenant_Jaina Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 26, 2003
    star 3
    intersting beginning, pllease post more!
  6. darththunderbird Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2003
    star 4
    i will post more soon ( i already have the next two chapters written)...but heres an incentive...once i get ..um..3 more replies i will post the next chapter.

    heres a teaser for y'all: " //you will padme, soon you will succumb to me. i will be behind every corner you turn, you will not be able to escape my appetite. you will be mine.//"

    and a teaser from the chap. after that ""and milady", anakin started, "put a towel on""
  7. searth_99 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 5, 2001
    star 2
    up!

    looks good so far!hope the posts will be longer:p

    please post more!:)
  8. darththunderbird Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2003
    star 4
    ok... i know its not 3 replies, and the POV shifts quite a bit (don worry im workin on it!) but here ya go:


    ~padme~
    Now at my home planet, at my old retreat location, I can loosen up. I tease your mind, let the hungry man smell food by telling you of how my classmates and I would lie in the sand, basking in the sun?s warm and generous rays. My remark, instead, brings you back to memories of the sandstorm where we dined in your house, of the sand that was all around you the day you left your mother, promising to return to free her. Soon, however, my temptings get the better of you, and you make your own attempt at seduction.

    ~Anakin~
    Why must Padme innocently tempt me? Does she even know what she?s doing to me, building my ever-growing appetite? Suddenly, images of Tatooine flood my already overwhelmed mind, but as soon as I give in to her remarks to rid my mind of Tatooine, and she shuts me down.
    "I shouldn?t have done that"

    ~Padme~
    As our hesitant lips meet, relieving him partially of the tension that ensues with our every meeting. Suddenly, the senator in me takes over. I begin to think of the consequences of a senator/Jedi relationship-Anakin, thrown out of the Jedi order, not being able to live out his dream. I could not do that to the boy-the man that I love. I break our connection unwillingly yet hastily, lest he get ideas.
    "I shouldn?t have done that"

    We are sitting by the fireplace, its ascending flames mimicking Anakin?s burning, hungry, pleading stare. He confesses to me what he is forbidden to feel, he is in agony, his eyes search my soul for acceptance. Soon, the tension too great to withstand, I attempt an escape. I hastily stand, resuming my prompt and logical manner. I know that if I stare into those cobalt eyes any longer, or feel his hot, longing, breath on my face one more moment, I will give in to my feelings.
    "Anakin, I will not give in to this"
    Anakin looks crestfallen. However, a darker, determined flame still flickers in his eyes. He walks away, a sinister smirk taking the place of his usual lopsided, insecure, infatuated grin.

    ~Anakin~
    Padme. Doesn?t she understand?! She gives me every subtle indication of her feelings for me, then shuts me down. She torments me; does she find amusement in teasing me? In feeding, egging on my appetite? She squirms with my every word; she looks hastily yet unwillingly away, a blush that informs me of her hidden feelings creeping up her face. Suddenly, when she seems to be coming to her senses, she pushes them away and tells me she "will not give in to this"
    //you will Padme, you will succumb to me, I will be behind every corner you turn. You will not be able to escape my appetite. You will be mine. //
  9. darththunderbird Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2003
    star 4
    alrighty...look for the next installment maybe a week from now.................maybe sooner
  10. darththunderbird Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2003
    star 4
    *waives hand*
    you WILL respond to my post
    *waits patiently for jedi mind trick to kick in*
    ....
    ...
    *kicks chair*
    stupid jedi mind trick, stupid stupid! OW!



    pleeeeease respond! i need constructive OR nonconstructive critiqueing (sp?)


    *bats eyelashes*
  11. Lieutenant_Jaina Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 26, 2003
    star 3
    ha ha ha, rok'n post thunderbird

    ok, a very stupid question, are there only gonna be povs or are you planning a full story after?
  12. darththunderbird Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2003
    star 4
    well...lemme try to answer that so you (and i) understand...
    im tellin the story with the POVs....each scene will be told from anakins and padmes point of view..so when its done, you can read the story only from anakins, or only from padmes, or both...maybe after i finish it, i will make a copy of it in each POV....im not quite sure where this story is goin, but ill decide how i tell it as i go...i hope that answers ur question a little
  13. Dally Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 2, 2001
    star 4
    Nice -- I like the dark and plotting Ani. I wouldn't mind if the posts were longer!
  14. darththunderbird Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2003
    star 4
    don worry they will be soon..look for a post tonight or tomorrow :D
  15. Lieutenant_Jaina Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 26, 2003
    star 3
    yeah it does, and i think it's a great concept you got, but yeah hope the posts get a little bigger ;)
  16. Lieutenant_Jaina Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 26, 2003
    star 3
    *kicks thread* there you, up where you belong ;)
  17. darththunderbird Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2003
    star 4
    thanks, ive been so busy lately..im raisin money for a trip this summer to europe, and i have meetings to go to for the trip, and projects to complete for the meetings....look for a 'nother postie soon!
  18. Lieutenant_Jaina Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 26, 2003
    star 3
    oh no worries, good luck on that, i know what work is to raise money! :D
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