Before Invisible Enemy -- (An-Paj!) COMPLETE and with thanks!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Jane Jinn, Oct 6, 2003.

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  1. Knight_Dilettante Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 24, 2002
    star 4
    nagging voice Jane?!?!?!?

    normal voice Well, you asked...

    Betas, tell us (based on this part) what, if anything we need to rework/fill-in/fix, etc.

    Minor copy editing for the most part:

    were to thick
    should be "were too thick"

    drawn in a tight group
    should perhaps be "drawn up in a tight group" or perhaps "drawn into a tight group" or perhaps not

    but nothing in response
    should perhaps be "but there's been nothing in response" unless the insectiod Jedi's thought processes are supposed to be slightly different sounding, or you are showing the confusion is getting to them all, or you just like the way it sounds as is.

    "We shouldn't be able to hear anything."
    famous last words... perhaps one of the humans should find their hearing is better than they thought?

    You may, or may not, need commas in front of some of the ands that don't have them, but you have to check with Ty-gon, the Comma King on that.

    I'm not certain anymore how we got to here, but that is likely because I am reading it in tiny chunks separated by all the praise etc. If you want continuity etc. help you'll have to send me the 250 pages or wait for me to copy each section into a file.

    KD
  2. Jane Jinn Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 5
    PadawanKitara That's one thing that I'm really enjoying about writing this fic with Renata -- I mention a little detail like cooking oil in one post, and she picks up on the idea and runs with it in the next post.

    Black_Scout Your brain ran away with your common sense? Sometimes I'm certain that's happened to me, too! But thanks for posting a reply anyway. We appreciate every show of support. :)

    Knight_Dilettante Here's a link to an article about beta reading that you might want to look at. Just skip down to the part where it says "What to look for."

    Lilith Demodae You're volunteering, too? Sounds like we're ready to go! Now just let us get it finished first, and we'll hand it over.

    Or do the both of you want to get a head start by working on what we've already written and then waiting for the rest to come?

    Knight_Dilettante I agree -- beta reading is much easier than the actual writing. :)

    padawan lunetta Good distinction there between good action and bad action. I don't think I could write a story in which the bad guys both get and keep the upper hand.

    Where's Hachas? I'm afraid you'll have to be patient for a few posts before he shows up again.

    And a special "hi!" to Glad Is June! Nice to see you around.

    Okay, sorry to keep everybody waiting. I had an evening of church meetings last night, and was only capable of writing a few sentences, not doing an entire load of feedback and posting the next chunk of story. So, let's see what we've got for the next bit ... ah, yes. "My whole wife flashed before my eyes."

    Perhaps I shouldn't be so quick to post. We're going to have to take a short break until the beginning of next week, while Renata goes away for a few days. Sorry, but you can enjoy this in the meantime.

    *****

    "Let's get him stable," An-Paj said, reaching out to where Wiyella's hands were already gently touching Trett's new wound. The knight's life Force was weak, and getting weaker, so they poured energy into him, neutralizing the venom and healing tissues one cell at a time. They worked at a faster rate than the body itself could manage, but An-Paj still felt that it was much too slow, considering the circumstances. At last, they were certain that Trett would survive, and An-Paj gradually dissolved the connection between himself and the other Healer. They opened their eyes, both of them glancing instinctively towards Arwen. While they'd been working, she'd seated herself next to Wiyella and had obviously fallen fast asleep while holding Trett's hand.

    Wiyella smiled a little, then extracted herself gingerly and found two blankets, one for Trett, and one to tuck around Arwen's shoulders.

    "Who's our rescuer?" she asked quietly, indicating the cockpit.

    "My sixth wife," An-Paj said. His previous indignation, which had mostly been surprise, had faded, and now he felt pride similar to what he'd felt when his padawan had become a healer-knight. It was quite an irrational feeling, because he really hadn't had any part in An-Taec becoming a pilot, not like the way he'd guided Vijayanagar through the years of training, but he still couldn't help feeling excited about it somehow. Or maybe it was just amazement that he was married to her, to someone who, though one single act, had suddenly become mysterious and unknown. He found that he wanted to get to know her -- the new her -- better. Allowing himself a small smile, An-Paj added her name, speaking it almost with a sense of awe. "An-Taec."

    "Oh. My thanks." Wiyella smiled, too, but An-Paj wondered if he'd felt the tiniest twinge of envy emanating from her.

    "I'll tell her," he said, standing up and heading for the cockpit. Sliding into the seat next to An-Taec, he saw her throw him a quick, worried glance.

    "Are you all right?"

    "Just a bit cold,? he replied, snuggling into his robe and tucking his hands into his sleeves. ?And you?"

    "If this weren't so serious,
  3. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    That was so sweet - a lovely romantic moment between married people. I loved that those two are trying to get Trett and Wiyella together.

    And so it's on to the rescue - thankfully!!!!!
  4. Lilith Demodae Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 1, 1999
    star 4
    Doot-do-doooo! The Cavalry has arrived!!!! :) Excellent.
  5. Knight_Dilettante Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 24, 2002
    star 4
    Whew! What a relief. Trett stable (well physically anyway) and beaucoup backup to boot it sounds like...

    Hmmm. I wonder if the Batagans will try to keep fighting or if they will run away with their tails between their legs... Bad guys who have already shown such disregard for the lives of others are not ones you want to have cornered somewhere so they think they can't get away...

    Now I've gotten myself all nervous again.

    KD
  6. DarthIshtar Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    That was such a sweet conversation between Paj and Taec! And the Jedi got here!
  7. Black_Scout Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 10, 2003
    star 4
    Wahoo more jedi! Sweet conversation between An-Taec and An-Paj. At least Trett is going to be ok.

    I'd really like to see this archived aswell then i can read it all in one go. :)
  8. PadawanKitara Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 31, 2001
    star 5
    Temple to the rescue at last!

    I guess An-Paj likes marriage so much, he thinks everyone should do it.
  9. padawan lunetta Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 15, 1999
    star 6
    I guess An-Paj likes marriage so much, he thinks everyone should do it. I think six wives deserves a stronger word than "like". ;)

    Paj and Taec were very sweet, I'll have to join the chorus of Awwwws :D Love how they want to nudge Trett and Wiyella in the right direction, calling her his girlfriend. Hehehheehe. :D

    So the Jedi have shown up! I like to see that! Hope it's not to early to convince myself that things are definitely staying up. :)

    FIGURES the post would end up like that just before one of the authoresses conveniently goes away for a few days. Typical. ;)

    Can't wait for more!
  10. Knight_Dilettante Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 24, 2002
    star 4
    I think it might be time for a "Naaahhhhzz! You've got some 'splainin' to do" kind of comment... Maybe. If all those Jedi signals mean ships and stuff ready to end the blockade. OOOh is Mace gonna get to say "This party is over." again (for the first time)? (Is it just me or do others find that to be just about as un-Jedi-like a comment as possible?)

    KD
  11. Jane Jinn Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 5
    I'll do the replies now. Hopefully Renata will be back by to-morrow and we can get up the new post. :)

    dianethx Yes, that was a sweet scene, wasn't it? And as for getting Trett and Wiyella together, well, good things should be shared.

    Lilith Demodae Yes, the Cavalry is here at last!

    Knight_Dilettante I rather thought that the noise pollution would have them begging to surrender, but we will see.

    DarthIshtar A sweet conversation indeed, based on a bit of real life. We're coming up on our fifteenth anniversary this August. I'll bet An-Paj has a really good calendar that tells him exactly when he has his anniversaries and with which wife ... he wouldn't want to be bringing flowers to the wrong one, now, would he?

    Black_Scout Yes, looks like Trett is going to be all right now. And we'll see about the Archive. I've just been looking back at the beginning of the story and seeing some things that could be improved ...

    PadawanKitara Yes, An-Paj is a definite fan of marriage. :)

    padawan lunetta Having six wives deserves a stronger word than "like"? I think you're right! And, yup, typical that we would end the post there just as one of us goes away for a few days. (Actually, it's more typical that I needed some extra time to write!)

    Knight_Dilettante *laughs* I don't think Nahz would do as well at the explaining as Lucy ...

    And as for Mace's comment, I found that to be extremely un-Jedi-like as well. Even worse than "This is why I hate flying!"

    Thanks for keeping with us, everybody. New post will be up soon! :)
  12. Black_Scout Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 10, 2003
    star 4
    I've got a question. Are An-Paj's wives related or are they just random Ossar women?
  13. Mistress_Renata Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Sep 9, 2000
    star 4
    I'm sorry, I'm sorry! My plane got in so late last night, and then there is apparently all sorts of stuff going on in WR... so I will thank my co-authoress for all her kind replies.

    And tell Lucy that her people definitely seem to have New Orleans well in hand (they are everywhere!). One persuaded me to buy a blouse.

    And: I'll bet An-Paj has a really good calendar that tells him exactly when he has his anniversaries and with which wife ... Why would he need a calendar, when he has 5 other wives who would NEVER let him forget? :)

    And, oh, it's my turn?

    * * *

    Alta instinctively strained to listen as Ciello switched on the transmission button. She couldn't actually hear anything, at least... she thought she could hear, faintly, a soft, high-pitched tone. Ciello could hear it, though, even through the protective padding. He curled his body instinctively, and ripples of distress ran over the softer parts of his belly armor. Kiu gently rested her hand on his back to reassure him, and he turned his head in her direction, acknowledging her sympathy.

    Alta nodded to the others, unclipping her lightsaber again, and they charged out into the corridor, ready to make their last effort to protect the Chapter House. But Kiu's idea was working. They could see a group of Batangans on their knees, bodies curled in pain. A few Jedi defenders were moving among them, taking their weapons while the rest finished off the droids.

    Alta felt her heart leap. There might be hope. She snatched the commlink from her pocket. "Ciello? Status report!" It was Sola who answered, however.

    "All levels report that the Batangans are falling back! Yanell says they've managed to get all the intruders on the second floor. They're not in any shape to fight back."

    "And our side?"

    "Ciello has a splitting headache, and Mistress Loo-zhie is ready to claw someone. We estimate five dead, and fifteen stunned and wounded at ground level. We lost three pilots." Alta was silent for a moment. Eight dead brothers or sisters. Kiu stirred beside her, restless, and the older woman silently prayed that one name, at least, would be missing from that list. "What report from Kulm?"

    "His prisoners are secured."

    Alta took a deep breath. "I'm coming back," she said. She turned and headed back to the Control room at a brisk jog, with Kiu shadowing her faithfully. "An excellent idea, Padawan. Your idea worked."

    Kiu brightened. Then a cloud passed over her delicate features. "For how long?" she asked. "Won't the garrison send reinforcements?"

    "Possibly," said Alta, "but at the very least we've been able to buy some time. Maybe we'll be able to-"

    Another sound, another high-pitched shriek with a low rumble underneath. There was another, louder rumble and the ground shook.

    "What--?" gasped Kiu.

    "Starfighters! We're under aerial attack!" Alta raced the last few feet to the door of the Control Room. She did not expect to see Sola laughing, the young, nameless Padawan jumping up and down, whooping for joy. Even Ciello was waving his arms in the air in celebration.

    "We're under attack!" snapped Alta. "We-"

    Sola grinned broadly and punched a control. Instantly a tinny, strangely mechanical voice filled the room, overlaid by a faint veil of static. "-to the Chapter House, repeat, do you read, over?"

    Alta looked blankly at them as Sola transmitted the reply. "Chapter House to Jedi Flight One. About time you showed up!"

    The elder sat down heavily, suddenly exhausted as she recognized the voice. The Jedi Council's new member, his voice distorted by the mask he usually wore. "We are going to take out some of the heavy armor here on the ground," he said. "The capital ships have all been neutralized, and we have an incoming priority flight with casualties, who need immediate access to the Healers."

    Alta found her voice. "Acknowledge, Master Plo Koon," she said. "If the airfield is clear, put them there. Master Healer An-Paj is away, but--"

    "He's coming back. He's in the shuttle with an emergency case. Are you-" There was a
  14. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Excellent. Alta may be too old but she's a spunky old Jedi!

    Great, the cavalry are here as is the sonics! Still have a long way to go to make it right again.

    Keep going. Hope your vacation was good, Renata.
  15. DarthIshtar Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    Spunky is definitely the word for that. Thank goodness for plo koon! I cheered when I read that. I, too, hope one name is off the casualty list.

    For anyone who's a total girlie-girl, check out this link, imagine it with sleeves, and you've got my wedding gown! http://www.edenbridals.com/popup_image_test.php?pID=363
  16. PadawanKitara Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 31, 2001
    star 5
    Wow Ishtar. Your dress is almost identical to my sister's. Mom made it and put a high neckline with an elbow length sleeve on it. It's a beautiful dress!

    AS for the post- Kiu saves the day!
  17. Jane Jinn Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 5
    I'm back! We had a lightning storm here on Monday afternoon which affected all the cables in our house; television, telephone, and internet. But now that some necessary equipment has been replaced, I can rejoin civilization. :)

    dianethx Yes, Alta's definitely a spunky old Jedi. And with the cavalry and the sonics here, there's not that much more to do.

    DarthIshtar I like Plo Koon. He doesn't get enough 'screen time' in fanfics -- everybody seems to prefer Mace Windu, and I can't understand why. Perhaps because he's human and Plo is not?

    PadawanKitara Yes, Kiu saves the day! Kind of makes you think of that rhyme that starts out "For want of a nail, the horse was lost ..." and so on, until the entire kingdom is lost because of one missing nail. Little things can have big consequences, and Kiu must be one of those little things -- in a good way, of course.

    I hope we haven't lost all our readers with our erratic schedule. Does anyone want us to post the date of the updates in the title so that you can see at a glance if something new is here or not?

    Anyway, here's a small, boring snippet.

    *****

    It was hard for Kiu to believe that it was all over so soon. The first Jedi reinforcements had arrived, and were rounding up the Batangans after their surrender. Mistress Corona had opened all the blast doors and the main control room, and, now that everything had calmed down, had even commanded Kiu to go find her master and make sure he was all right. Everything seemed so different from what it had been during the battle. The lights were back on full power, the ventilation system was pumping clean air, and the blast doors no longer shielded the chapter house from the approaching dawn. As she went down the corridor, Kiu almost bumped into one of the Jedi from the Temple who was checking the bodies in the hall to see if any were still alive.

    ?Do you know where the infirmary is?? the young Kel Dor knight asked as Kiu stepped back.

    ?Yes, it?s just ?- I?ll take you,? Kiu said, watching the Kel Dor heft a wounded Batangan over his shoulders, and deciding that it would be easier and faster to show him than to simply describe the way. After guiding him to the infirmary and handing him over to one of the medical staff, Kiu turned back to her original mission.

    On her way out, Kiu saw Healer Johakin marching towards her as he finished up a conversation on his comlink, and immediately wanted to run away. Her second thought was to adopt an intent expression on her face and pretend that she had an immediate errand which didn?t allow her time to speak to him, but it was too late. He put the comlink away, caught sight of her, and looked back again. ?Kiusan, did you dream that you were needed here? What a coincidence! There?s a shuttle coming in with a patient aboard, and I need somebody to take a hovergurney out to meet them.?

    Kiu frowned at the mention of dreams. ?No, actually, I?m looking for my master.?

    ?That?s not so important that it can?t wait five minutes,? Johakin announced, reaching out to a hovergurney that was parked against the wall and pushing it in her direction. ?They'll be landing on the road just out in front of the chapter house. The patient is apparently stable and there are two healers aboard, so I don?t need to take any of my staff away from the more important work here. Just run this out and give it to them ?- they?ll know what to do. You won't need a dream to be able to find them and it won't take very long at all.?

    Kiu opened her mouth to protest, but even as he?d been speaking, Healer Johakin had let go of the gurney and had started to walk past her on the other side of it. As soon as he was behind her, he picked up speed and disappeared into a room further down the corridor. Grinding her teeth, but knowing what Hachas would want her to do, Kiu took the gurney and maneuvered it to the nearest exit.
  18. PadawanKitara Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 31, 2001
    star 5
    Now that I think about it, we haven't heard from Hachas in much too long.
  19. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Kitara is right. Where is Hachas?

    Nice transition post. I would prefer a date on the update line but I see that you did it!

    Poor Kiu. Now they're going to know her as the 'vision' Padawan. Oh, dear! Good job. Keep going.
  20. DarthIshtar Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Mar 26, 2001
    star 9
    Do you have the feeling they're stalling by keeping her away? I've got a bad feeling about this.
  21. Tahi Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 8, 2002
    star 5
    Woohoo! I've caught up again. Wonderful posts!

    ?That sound was enough to wake the dead,? Mistress Corona murmured. She swallowed once, then appeared more alert. ?Status??

    ?Padawan here saved your life, nice Qui-Gon Jinn-type aerial somersault with downstrike. Otherwise, status unchanged.?
    LOL - that bit was terrific.

    I also loved the scene between An-Paj and An-Taec and the way he suddenly felt both proud of her and a little confused at the new aspect to her character. He'll be pleased for her though - because he was worried about her self image at the start. I love the way you worked things out so she would find her niche.

    Kiu's idea was brilliant - as you say "out of the mouths of babes." It reminded of Yoda and the Younglings.

    Marvellous fight scene with Arwen and Trett, too. And An-Taec arriving, a bit like Jan Ors, in the nick of time. Great stuff.

  22. Jane Jinn Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 12, 2000
    star 5
    PadawanKitara Hachas ... yes ... his fate will be revealed later. Keep reading! ;)

    dianethx The 'vision' padawan -- I like that idea. I'm sure Kiu doesn't, though.

    DarthIshtar Stalling by keeping her away? Hmm. Interesting idea ... very interesting!

    Tahi Thank you for 'wonderful,' 'terrific,' and 'brilliant.' :) I'm glad you liked the scene between An-Paj and An-Taec -- I'm working hard at giving my characters more depth and believable relationships to other people. And I think I've been learning from you how to indicate that other people besides the 'main' characters are developing during the story, too, and also have important roles to play in the plot.

    Here's the next part; it's a bit longer.

    *****

    ?How much longer until we?re allowd to land?? Wiyella asked, glancing down at the sensor board.

    ?A few more minutes, perhaps?? An-Paj couldn?t take his eyes off the small blips which represented the ships in space around the planet of Sarawaksala, though there was scarcely anything left of the frenzied activity that there had been when their shuttle had first emerged into real space. Although they?d taken a hit while they?d been identifying themselves to Jedi Flight One, it had only weakened their shields and not caused any damage. An-Taec had been able to take them quickly away from the fighting to wait it out in relative safety.

    The battle between the Jedi and the blockade appeared to be over now. Some of the ships in the Batangan fleet had fled into hyperspace, some had been destroyed or crippled, and the rest of them now sat motionless in space, waiting to be either boarded or escorted planetside for a controlled landing.

    ?They?re probably just making sure that everything on the ground is safe,? An-Taec said. ?Is Knight Trett still all right??

    ?He?s stable for the moment, but the faster we can get him into surgery and then into a bacta tank, the better,? Wiyella reported.

    There was a long silence as they all stared at the sensor board, and then the comm beeped. ?Jedi Healer Transport, this is Jedi Flight One. You are cleared to approach Sarawaksala on a heading of one three five.?

    An-Taec leaned forward eagerly. ?Acknowledged, Jedi Flight One. Approaching Sarawaksala on a heading of one three five.?

    The Temple reinforcements had already landed, as An-Taec had indicated, and had set up a Ground Control force at the Chapter House. As the shuttle approached the planet, it was officially challenged, and a starfighter appeared quickly from starboard, but the permission to land came only a few seconds later. The starfighter escorted them through the atmosphere and into the skies above the Chapter House.

    ?Great Force,? said An-Taec, staring out of the viewscreen at the scene below. The sun was just coming up and there were long shadows, but everything was already plainly visible.

    ?What?? asked Wiyella.

    ?Look! The landing bay is full of Batangan ships ? and ground vehicles! It?s like an invasion!?

    There was no room for them to land in the bay, and they were guided instead to a free spot on the road in front of the Chapter House. As they settled in for a landing, An-Paj saw the starfighter cross the viewscreen and fly back up into the sky, but then his attention was caught by something else.

    ?It was an invasion,? he said softly, and they all turned to stare at what had once been the Rotunda and the main door of the Chapter House. It was all rubble now, a pile of stone and dust. For a moment, nobody said anything, and then Wiyella murmured, ?Let?s hope the infirmary is still intact.?

    ?There seems to be a welcoming committee, at least,? said An-Taec, indicating a young Jedi who had come around the side of the chapter house at a jog, pushing an empty hovergurney in their direction. ?I?ll open the ramp, and you can get your patient out, Paj.?

    They all left the cockpit and trooped into the main space of the shuttle. As An-Taec pushed the controls to open the door and lower the ramp, Arwen lifted her head and glance
  23. dianethx Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 1, 2002
    star 6
    Well, at least the invasion is over. Now, comes the messy clean-up. Hopefully, everything will be okay and Rendell will be fine. And the fallout from this will certainly be felt all the way back to Coruscant!

    BTW, where's Hachas?

    Great job as always. I want more...please!
  24. padawan lunetta Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 15, 1999
    star 6
    Ack, sorry I haven't responded before! I am loving how it is going now, calm...the invasions over, Trett's getting help... I can breathe! ;) Except, I know this question is persistent and whiny, but, Where's Hachas???

  25. PadawanKitara Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Dec 31, 2001
    star 5
    Poor Kiu- after everything she has just been thru it has to be upsetting to see ehr friend and the girls master in such bad shape
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