It was a Dark and Stormy Knight--A fun fanfic parody of the Bulwer-Lytton things--

This is just fluffy fun. The Bulwer-Lytton contest is a competition to come up with the worst possible first lines for novels never written. It's named after the man who wrote a book starting with "It was a dark and stormy night." Well, this will be just a fun forum to write the worst possible first lines of fanfics never written.

There are no restrictions on word limit or genre as long as it is one sentence and is not violating TOS.

Brownie points will be given to those who then use someone else's sentence in a fanfic.

 

So, for the first entry...

Her hair was like huttspit, stringy and shiny in a kinda slimy way, but she more than made up for it with those eyes that were as green as a Dagobah swamp during the stinking summer months and he felt as strongly as if he'd been hit by a Super Star Destroyer that she would have to be his Padawan.

 

My turn!

once upon a time, in a land known as bespin, a little Jedi called Luke got his hand cut off. the end

 

LOL, a first sentence that was the entire story. Beautiful.

 

I had to do something in this....I hope thier appropriately horrid enough

Luke finds himself sighing, and wonders why he is always sighing; he ponders that eternal question of what makes a some singular event, or non-event as the case may be, worthy of a sigh, after all, since he does sigh so much, he should know the answer to such a question; yet he sighs again with the realization that he just does not know what makes for a worthy activity or inactivity to sigh to.

and..

Anakin turns his famous Han Solo smile towards his best friend Tahiri, who as is her custom, was not wearing shoes and as was also her custom, was spouting off one sentence after another, as one great big long run-on sentence, one with no apparent end in sight; one might ask if he was smiling at her lack of shoes, or maybe even the fact that she had not stopped talking since she got up, because this lack of ability to be silent is a character trait that all nine-year-old blondes seem to have, yet both of those guesses would be wrong, Anakin Solo was giving Tahiri the famous smile, which happened to be made famous by his father, the not-quite-late, great Han Solo, because Tahiri had been playing with some of the chemicals that Anakin oddly keeps in his room, and now, rather than the white-blonde of her normal hair color, her platinum tresses were the color of day-old green beans.

 

Ah! Ish started it so I didn't have to.

"I love you; I truly, deeply love you," Padmé sighed as she gazed deep into Anakin's eyes, and he reflected that this heaven was a lot like the heaven that he had always imagined, but was also way different too, mostly because it was kinda creepy having his grandma looking at him like that.

 

ophelia - that was hilarious!

 

The suns were coming up, even though he'd used every profanity known to the average Corellian spice-runner to shame them back into hibernation, and since it was hot enough to make the people who ran hell envious, he supposed he should get out of bed; after all, after the first couple of weeks, a shower came in handy on Tatooine.

 

As the majestic Star Destroyer Majestic slowly slid into a sliding orbit around Coruscant the sunlight coruscated off the planet's surface and from the mirrored surfaces of the Orbital Mirrors that were also in orbit, and Captain Maje Steek of the Majestic looked down from his bridge at the coruscating planet of Coruscant and dreamed of the day when all would call him Majesty for, in his own mind at least, he truly was a majestic figure as he stood on the Majestic's bridge.

 

Anakin would never forget her, not in a lifetime of years, even though the moment that they spent together was nothing more than a quick passing; he was left with only the memory of her eyes, liquid pools that betrayed her inner passions even more than a similarly colored cesspool betrayed the eating habits of the surrounding community.

 

"Why do I feel you'll be the death of me," Obi-wan wondered, ignoring the clear neon lettered warning from the force that he was spending way too much time with a highly unstable albeight tall shaggy haired psychopath that powerful women liked and would be betrayed by who would no doubt kill him, and not just with his insesant whining and complaining for the hard babysitting and training that he was putting into the 'should have been left burning alive- as a slave on a planet full of sandy desert idiot', but his pride make him not listen to the Moving Large voice of the force's last attempt to save it's minion before it said 'oh kriff it'.

 

Oh, these are beautifully hideous. They ought to be enshrined somewhere . . . and then welded into a lead-lined box with chains on it and buried deep, deep beneath the earth in an undisclosed location set about with disused nuclear reactor rods.

 

They should be immortalized in the "first sentence challenge."

 

or you should pick one entry a month or so, and set it up as a challenge...

 

I was planning on that.

 

terribly unoriginal, I know...

Big Momma's name being Pillimititump, and my Nal Hutta name being Pumparomparomp, my Huttese tongue couldn't make out anything better than Pimp, so I done started calling myself Pimp, and came to be known as Pimp...the Hutt.

 

Like ophelia's, aaaaaaaaaaagh! These are so awesome.

 

::Must . . . not . . . think . . . about . . . "Pimp the Hutt" . . .::

"If I had a cannon, I'd can it in the morning, I'd can it in the evening, all over this laaaaand . . ." sang the throngs of stormtroopers, all holding hands and swaying back and forth in their "DeathStock" T-shirts, especially ordered as Death-Star-promoting morale-boosters by the Emperor, while Vader, secretly resentful of the tie-dyed headband wrapped around his helmet, stalked among them, thinking that when he'd told the old coot, "I will do anything you ask," he should have been more specific.

 

Oh, gosh.

She was a dark and stormy Nait, but given the fact that her species was most widely-known for their eclectic impaling techniques, dark and stormy was the equivalent of a human optimist.

 

"The fresh overheated Bantha dung stank something fierce and that made Luke's job of shoveling it all the more painful."

Edit: Its not so easy to write badly...

 

Anakin Skywalker stood, the gentle Naboo breeze rippling his long waving hair as it gusted across, and created small waves upon, the surface of the gentle Naboo lake by which he stood gazing adoringly at the beautiful woman who was his angel and his wife and thought to himself how lucky he was to be married to her for she truly was an angel in the form of a perfect and beautifully adorable woman and he loved her so much.

 

I think I read a fic that started that way!

 

Obi-wan Kenobi, suffering from a terrible rash brought on by the heat and rough material of his Jedi robes, peeked out of the door of his dusty hut and saw Tatooine's twin suns hanging in the sky like two blood oranges.

Edit: I can't tell whether it's bad or doubling as humor fic?

 

Although Emperor Palpatine could work anywhere he wanted to, even at home in his bathtub with his long, pallid toes turning all wrinkly, he still preferred the office he'd had as Supreme Chancellor of the Republic, because of all the memories: lopping off the heads of random Jedi Masters; lying a lot to Senator What's-her-name, the one that got knocked up by that guy; getting Vader to turn into Vader; and especially the long pane of replaced glass behind his desk that he thought of as the Mace window.

 

Jacen drew a deep breath, centering himself in the Force-which was hard, since he was now God of the Force. And why did God need to center himself?

...

Okay, that just plain sucked...