Phx I've Got Gum In My Fingernails & Other Ewok Treasures

Ok, so I've resigned myself to the fact that my life is a beautiful jumble of hysteria and mayhem, all thanks to my wonderful, insaniac Ewok.

I know you don't all know what it's like having kids, but I just had the urge to share some of the highlights of life with Makay.

Hopefully someday, when I grow up, I'll be just like her.

 

May 25th, in the year of our Lord 2003.

Today seemed like any other day. I woke up with thirty-five pounds of ecstatic 5-year-old jumping on my sleep-deprived carcass screaming...

"MOMMY!!!! I dreamt that this dinosaur was my pet...and then...we went to the circus...and then...we ate pizza ice cream...and then...well...Mommy I'm hungry."

Rubbing the total lack of sleep from my eyes I stumbled over one-hundred-and-five miniature plastic bunnies lined neatly at the foot of my bed in the precise place where my feet, with the full weight of my body behind them planted this morning.

After screaming things like:

"MOTHER MONKEY, PUMPKIN EATIN', DISH STINKY!!!"

Because I didn't want to taint her ears with the profanity I wanted to spew across the room in tidal waves of sin, I made my way into the bathroom to find an entire roll of toilet paper floating in the toilet.

Apparently the toilet paper wanted to go swimming.

Anywho...after making sure I had no arterial bleeds on the soles of my feet we made our way upstairs for breakfast where I was informed by my daughter that she wanted cocoa crispies with butter. After explaining sugar coma and heart disease to her, she got an orange to start.

I'll spare you the rest of the breakfast details since it's nearly dinner time and I know you value your appetite, so I'll tell you the real highlight of my day.

GUM.

Three little letters...that's all the word has and yet this sinister substance wreaks havoc unlike any other chemical weapon known to man. A tiny piece, masticated for only a few seconds can produce screams and howls previously unrecorded in the annals of Shriekdom.

For five years...FIVE YEARS...I have fought this enemy. Believe me it is a WAR!!! And the enemy is EVERYWHERE!!!! Gumball machines strategically placed in stores, malls, banks, auto repair shops and even harmless looking ice cream stores (we won't go there) are there to taunt and tempt our dear children. Be not fooled, it is a deadly game and you WILL loose someday.

Today I lost my battle with gum. I fought nobly, no one can say I didn't try, that I ever flinched in fear. I fought bravely and I had some glorious victories. But that feels so long ago now...

Today five years of gum rules, of rescuing toys, hair, animals, windows, garbage disposals, bugs, birds, and carpet all fell before my eyes.

It happened almost in slow motion...one second she was chewing...the next in a acrobatic fling the gum somehow launched itself into the air. I watched in horror from across the room as it fell. I could almost hear its evil cackle as it landed neatly in her hair.

I crossed the room in about half a second but I was too late. By the time I got there she had rolled over and smashed that minty wad into her hair.

With a shriek of horror I tried to minimise future damage by telling my daugter not to move. This was a MISTAKE.

Instantaeously all sanity left the room as my daughter assumed I meant there was a gigantic bug snarled in her hair that was about to make its way into her ear and eat her brains out because she lost all composure and slipped from my grasp screaming in frantic circles:

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! MOMMMY!!! GET IT OFF!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

By the time I caught her, the gum had morphed from wad form to web-snarly-rats-nest-form.

Feeling doom seep into my soul I solemly admitted defeat and went to the kitchen for the ice and peanut butter.

Now I sit here, dazed, picking gum from my fingernails. An entire tray of melted ice has seeped into my jeans and the stench of frozen peanut-butter mixed with Icebreaker gum still lingers. It is everywhere...this...GUM. On my desk, on the keyboard, and yes...I just noticed a little ball of it in MY hair.

Sigh....I surrender to thee...oh GUM of evil. You win.

 

You know, sometimes I rethink this whole thing about wanting children in the not-too-screaming-distant future...

 

Oh, that smell of minty peanut butter.

*shudder*

(I have brothers, and had long hair as a child. My mother was not the patient saint that you are Wenchy, and many locks of my hair were sacrificed to that last offensive weapon against the evil gum: the SCISSORS. Oh, the horror!)

 

Simple solution: shave her head...

 

"Simple solution: shave her head..."

LOL!!!!! XD!!!!

I've had that happen to me in my early childhood, and I had it cut off. Or after tons of effort I pulled it out myself.

 

Wenchy...For once...I'm mostly...speechless. *clunks armor around your shoulders, and pats your head* I'm...sorry. I'm sorry it happened to you, and I'm sorry that I dread that the same very day is hurtling towards me this very minute.



It reminds me of the time I smeared Silly Putty all over the living room carpet, or stuck a whole container of "Ninja Turtle Slime" (remember? It came with a little glow-in-the-dark turtle) to the ceiling and we had to paint the ceiling to get rid of the stain. I was occasionally a bad kid...and I'm sure that karma is sitting there...in the corner over there -- the dark one -- staring at my back, giggling and cackling to itself, just waiting for the right time to strike back.

I am sorry. *clunk clunk clunk*...I mean...*pat pat pat*...

 

Thanks TK-4752 I've recoved from the initial shock, but I had nightmares about GUM last night...scary. Oh and the karma thing...its so true...it awaits you.

The day I dread most? The day when Karma decides to let me live the "dog got squirted by the black & white cat and now everything stinks" day.

IA: You are such a GUY! Sheesh! If I did that I'd have to teach her how to speak with an Irish accent and get her little kid combat boots. Too much work!

Mick: I can only imagine what awaits you...the children of Mick and Void will encite riots I am sure.

Kirana: I too had encounters with GUM and brothers....SHUDDER....bad combination.

 

I laugh, only because I know I will be dealing with these scenarios myself in the not-so-distant future...

**eyes crawling-mania boy as he holds up sippy cup in an offering - nay, heartfelt plea - to almighty milk, and with plaintive voice speaks the words which have been found most holy... eh eh, EH!**

My time is coming...

 

My Dark Queen:
I regret that I wasn't there to aid you in your war against your hated enemy but, alas, the geas you have set upon me to harry the evil Wells Fargo has absorbed me to the point of obsession.
Shall I relinquish my duties here and journey to your side? I have a really sharp sword that would cut right through that dastardly GUM. (Insert evil laugh here)

Wenchy, I laughed my !@# off reading that story. Kids are awesome!!! It's antics like that that make me remember what's important in life. And a little gum in the hair (or in the disposal/toys/animals/etc...)just gives perspective on the value of things in our lives. Seems to me, that you already have that point of view. I'll bet you're just an awesome mom.

 

Heya Queenie -

Actually, I think the salsa episode qualifies... It's right up there with the gum... Tee hee!!

 

kreleia: I remember the hallowed milk and "Eh, EH, EH!!!" days!

wardenx: Thank you my faithful servant, but I think this battle has already been lost and you should keep attending to the dastardly Wells Fargo.

 

It's not karma, it's the curse... You do remember the curse right?


I believe it goes something like this: "I only hope that one day you will have children who act just like you!"

Usually said after a particularly trying incident.

And people wonder why I don't even want kids anymore

 

May 28th, 2003

Today wisdom has again crept into my life for a brief moment. I discovered a new tool for keeping the kid in line and have added it to my top ten list of things to say to get the Ewok to 1.) stop screaming, 2.) listen, 3.) obey.

1.) If you don't stop it right now, you're not getting a story. I mean it young lady, I won't do Chewie's voice either! Last used on 05/28/03.

2.) One more time young lady and I'll make you clean your room! (This threat is usually followed by a very dramatic NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) Last used on 05/28/03.

3.) Makay WHITING!!!! If you ever half-way pop the hamster's eye out again I'm gonna make you eat broccoli! (This threat is followed by a very dramatic gag of disgust.) Last used on 05/25/03, and yes, she managed to make the hamster's eye half-way pop out by hugging him. I thought he was a gonner for sure, but he manage to pop it back in and doesn't appear to be dain bramaged. Do you know how much intracranial pressure it takes to make a living thing's eye nearly pop out? DAMN! The thing is lucky to be running in its wheel right now! I'll tell you the full story later. It was totally insane.

4.) STOP PICKING YOUR NOSE! Do you know what happens to little girls who pick their noses? Mynocks from HELL eat their fingers off. Last used this morning. I know this one is a bit brutal but I SWEAR this kid is a bugger gormet...it's DISGUSTING! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

5.) MAKAY WHITING! Your cousin is not a foot stool! I DON'T CARE IF SHE LIKES IT! GET YOUR FEET OFF HER HEAD! Her mother will not understand I PROMISE you! If I count to three and her head is still under your feet....ONE...TWOOO.... Last used on 05/26/03. Counting to three is one of my most powerful weapons. When I get to two she runs away screaming and if I ever do get to three she usually throws herself on the floor in hysterics screaming I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU COUNTED TO THREEEEEEEE!!! WAAAAA!!!

The rest of the top ten to follow tonight...gotta go get ready for clinical at the jail.

 

My Dark Queen truly does have a Dark Princess. LMAO Makay sounds like a wonderful little handful.

 

Ah yes... the salsa episode.

I'm in here blissfully checking my e-mail and listening to The Prince out in the front-room as he crawls around with his "noisy toys." Suddenly, it goes very quiet, and as we all know, quiet with toddlers = potentially very bad. I give it a few minutes, thinking that maybe he's just "working" on his diaper (ick). Next thing I know, he's got this high-pitched "ah ah ah!" kind of scream/cry going on. I go running in to find...

Salsa - Serrano's salsa, to be precise. Not terribly spicy, but not exactly mild either - all over him, all over the floor, and of course, in his mouth.

I grab his sippy-cup of milk and tell him to take a drink. That calms down the crying a bit, and I look around to see exactly how much salsa has been invaded. Most of it. The night before, Rob and I had left out four little take-out thingy cups of it, not thinking, and it had been sitting on the coffee table. Apparently, it was a red pretty new toy that smelled good to Jacob.

The next 24 hours did some serious work on the poor kid's insides. And you know what they say about when it burns going in...

Lesson learned: Keep salsa away from toddlers. Always.

 

LM*AO ) OH, you guys are killing me with the kiddie stories. Thanks. There's a great way to start the day.

 

I love it! I don't mean that I love your misfortune by any means, I do however love the fact that you are sharing this wealth of knowledge and experiance to our mothers to be.

Here is some more insight. Adults think they know so much because all our lives we hear these words... "When you grow up..." well it's time kids teach adults a thing or two.
Lessons Grown-ups Learn from Kids

Oh and for those with girls growing up here is an Application to Date My Daughter

oh and one last kid related goody for the moms.
The Evolution of Mom

Aren't kids great!

My sister has these and many other lessons to share. 2 kids, girl and a boy, with twins on the way.

 

For those of ye, with religious backgrounds, I bid ye good humour when raising thy child.... Thusly...

Laws of Forbidden Places
------------------------
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that
are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the
hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the
living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat,
but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the
wheat
and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown
provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of quiescently frozen
dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in
the living room. Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in
sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry
such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet
begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink.
But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you
eat in the living room.

Laws When at Table
------------------
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater
person
might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up
your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to
me.
Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the
table
are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.

Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork,
nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your
blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.

When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not
bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make
noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.

When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and
do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you,
do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.

Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table
between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say
again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.

And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it
upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though
the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to
make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.

Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor
slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that,
your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has
come to pass.

Laws Pertaining to Dessert
--------------------------
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean,
saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.

But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your
meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than
three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also
eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I
can see, then you shall have dessert.

But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still
you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes
uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.
And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork,
that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into
iniquity.
And I will know, and you shall have no dessert

 

I am vastly amused.

As I have no child of my own, I shall share a story of the child of my friend, which I was fortunate to have witnessed. (Thanks be to Choad, for I shall be writing thusly for the remainder of the day. )

I was visiting with a friend, whose son (Cole) was about 2 at the time. She was babysitting her niece (Miranda, aka Randi) as well, who is 8 months younger than the boy. We were chatting in the living room, listing to the young'uns audibly playing in the next room. An ominous silence fell.

Me: Cole, what are you doing?

Cole: (long pause) I'm fine. Randi's fine.

A worried exchange of glances in the living room, as his mother and I rise to see what has happened.

The children had somehow obtained a bottle of maple syrup, and proceeded to squeeze it onto the (luckily, not carpeted) floor. As we entered the room, the smaller one lay down in it and started ROLLING AROUND, effectively basting herself with syrup. The boy was already well-coated.

Bath time followed. Enforced napping was not far behind.

 

EDIT: I can't type for beans today...

 

oh man... now I'm crying too...

 

The scary thing is how many of those lines I remember hearing some variation of when I was a kid...

 

Here is another installment of my top ten weapons for use in the infamous battle between mother and child:

6.) GO TO TIME OUT RIGHT NOW YOUNG LADY! And don't you DARE sneak out of your room before I come get you! (The fit of terroized screaming that follows is quite amuzing because it usually has to be manufactured which leads to some pretty hilarious drama.) Last used 05/29/03. This is an oldie but a goodie. Kinda like a grenade.

7.) I AM SOOOOOOOO NOT KIDDING! If you do that (jump up and down on the VCR, pull the dog's hair, stick your hand in the toilet, various other sins) again, YOU WILL TAKE A NAP!!!! This is another most potent weapon. This typically triggers instantaneous silence and then the following comment made in a lowered, shocked, penitent voice: "Mommy, you wouldn't really do that would you?" Yes, my dear, I would.

8.) This next weapon requires considerable skill and should not be used by ametures. There are times in a mother's life when your kid does something so atrocious and hysterical that you simply must either laugh your head off or become really mad if you don't avail yourself of this particular weapon. It is to be used when your child does something that they MUST know is not ok, but in its own right is so damn funny you need an outlet too. For example:

Imagine that you have, in your exhausted state, fallen asleep for a few moments on the couch despite all your efforts to remain concious. Blissfully unaware of events transpiring around you for a few moments you slip into dream. Until that is a deadly silence blankets the room and you startle awake as if someone has thrown a cup of ice water on your bare skin. This is not a good thing.

You KNOW in your heart of hearts that your child has be NAUGHTY. And not just the typical naughty, we're talking down right kid-viciously naughty. You know the kind of naughty that mothers of all nations fear. The kind of naughty that leads to hours of cleanup when all you wanted was to sit down for a moment. The kind of naughty that stuns you in its brilliancy and horror.

On this particular day the silence screamed out at me and I awoke on the couch and sat up very quickly. Turning my mother radar to ULTRA-SENSITIVE I sit there for a moment trying to locate the deviant. I hear a muffled giggle coming from her room.... oh NO! This is gonna be bad...oh so very bad. I quietly and slowly inch my way to her room...the giggle increases in intensity...I reach for the door knob and turn it in that slow, quiet motherly way and open the door to reveal....

MY DAUGHTER, THE GOLDEN CHILD OF MY LIFE, THE ONE PERSON I LOVE DESPITE NUMEROUS ATTEMPTS UPON MY SANITY, SITTING IN WHAT COULD ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS SOME SORT OF GELLATIOUS MASS OF GREENISH-BROWN-PURPLE STUFF, FLINGING IT ARTISTICLY AROUND THE ROOM! [face_horror] It is on the walls, the ceiling, her bed, her toys, her carpet, her clothes, in her ears, and she has covered, nay, blanketed her door in the goop. It's ingredients are unknown to me and it surely must be toxic. I see a suspicious looking mass of dripping bottles beneath her bed and realize she has raided the fridge and cabinets while I slept.

Before she realizes that I have discovered her, she flings a particularly large glob of this concoction over her shoulder which, with a grand SPLOOOSH!, lands directly on my head and proceeds to slide down my neck and back in a most hideous manner. It is the precise consistency of the mucus on Jabba the Hutt's lips.

The horror and hilarity of the scene before me suck at my soul. There are but three choices available...I can get extremely angry and both of us will be miserable for the rest of the night, I can just laugh my rear off but then she'll think it is ok to do this, OR I can draw on my inner drama queen and pretend to CRY! Yes! That's it!

With a dramatic flop on the floor, and a quivering lower lip I whisper "Makay! How could you?" She jumps a foot in the air realizing she has been caught and looks at me with an utterly shocked face.

 

I love these Mommy-Wench updates.